Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Back To The Chiropractor
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
The Living Well Cancer Support Group
Monday, March 29, 2010
Lunch With A Friend
Sunday, March 28, 2010
My Sister Asked If I was Feeling Normal
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Lots of Socializing
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A poem about a breast cancer survivor
Someone shared the following poem with me. I’ve never met the artist who wrote it, but I thought it was really beautiful so I asked him if I could share it on my blog. I hope that you like it as much as I did.
~Nicole
--------------------------
Joyful Eyesight
I’ve never seen anything so beautiful
I’ve never seen anything so beautiful
I’m repeating this statement like Negro spirituals in fields
Because hope lies in the harmony
Trying to restore the harmony
She once knew
When she sang strong songs that seem off key
Maybe off balanced by the extra weight on her chest
She’s off balance
Almost fainted when she found the lump
Doctor conducted an examination
The orchestra was a tragedy
Like Brahms wrote that CT scan
Like Schubert wrote the biopsy results
Doctor offers encouraging quotes
Half empty, half full
Like whole notes and half notes
Tell me how she will feel whole
If her chest is half empty
Self worth half full
She drinks sunshine to replenish her spirit
Feeds herself scripture
Prays and stays faithful
She’s a fighter
Determined to win and not let this claim her
Modeling strength, will, and determination
I’ve never seen anything so beautiful
I’ve never seen anything so beautiful
I repeat this statement like fight songs
As she marches from concern to my arms
Like Selma to Montgomery
Feels beat, out of gas, tears falling, fear hounding her
She won’t be turned back
From believing she’ll overcome this
She takes my breath away
I can’t speak how amazing she truly is
She rubs her hands down my cheek to my throat
Finds a lump
Fingers like a surgeon’s scalpel dance along my chest
Removes my confusion
So I speak how she lives
Past the pain
I want my voice to be as powerful as you
So that when I’m on stage
You’re fighting your stage
I’m radiating eloquence
You’re going through radiation
This stage is my therapy
You’re going through chemotherapy
I’ve lost my patience with people rooted in ignorance
You’ve lost your hair
I’ve never seen anything so beautiful
Some consider it a shame
I consider it a symbol
The first http://greenhillgoldman.blogspot.coms were from Libya
In awe of your resilient stature
I know you’re a warrior
Resolve on your face like war paint
Smile like a battle cry
I’m inspired by the will to survive in your eyes
I hold you in my arms
It’s like holding dawn
Your bald head sets against my chest
Like an evening horizon
I’ve never seen anything so beautiful
Ruling style and fashion like Caesar
D&G glasses, earrings, and a Caesar
My kisses are penance
Your laugh is my redeemer
I hang close so I can catch you if you falter
I’m just a dreamer
Recognize the glory in your makeup
Temp fade and MAC makeup
An Augusta Savage sculpture
Well crafted work of Art
I’ve never seen anything so beautiful
© 2010 Chris “Dasan Ahanu” Massenburg
Just a reminder: Feel and squeeze on your boobies!
Today is as good a day as any other to give yourself a BSE (breast self-exam). It only takes a few moments and is pretty painless. You have my permission to feel yourself up. (laughs)
Jokes aside… please do incorporate regular self-exams into your life. You can do them in the shower, while you’re in the bed, wherever you feel comfortable. I never thought that when Dr. Casamayou was encouraging her students at Mount Vernon College to self-examine their breasts, she was giving me the ammunition that would save my life one day. But she did. And now I am passing that ammunition to you.
Check your boobies! Do it today.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Life after breast cancer treatment
It is dificult to know which woman is going to emerge in different situations. They have different emotional baggage and face life with differing motives. One feels weak and scared more often than not. The other wants to be superwoman and do everything she ever thought was possible.
Figuring out how to work with these two women is becoming a full-time job. Life continues to present me with opportunities that I probably would never have received had I not gone through this challenge. So a part of me is really excited and grateful for the twists and turns in the journey. But another part of me is still fighting deep-rooted anger and deep sadness that it took all of this -- stage 3 cancer diagnosis, chemotherapy, mastectomy, radiation, reconstruction -- in order for me to wake up to the possibility of a life of fulfilled dreams.
Can I hate and love something at the same time? Breast cancer ruined my body, stole my relationship, put me in debt, scared my friends and family and continues to offer physical challengs that make me want to cry some days. But breast cancer forced me to write, forced me to step out of my fear of rejection and continues to make me scream that I am here! I am here! I am here!
I still look at other survivors and wonder how they seem to manage living life so well. This disease continues to ravage my spirit (though not as often as in the past) and I keep thinking and wondering what the future holds. My appointment with my oncologist was rescheduled for early April. So, I still don't know what my my current prognosis is. I feel fine -- relatively speaking. But that is so deceptive because I felt fine before I ever found out that I had breast cancer.
Sigh.
I don't know. I suppose that I am still a work in progress.
The Sears Group
The itch has been scratched
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Hair Today
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
The Living Well Group
Monday, March 22, 2010
March Is Kidney Cancer Awareness Month
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Personal Reflection
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Emotional ups and downs -- but SPRING is coming
Cancer sucks.
That is what the shirt I'm wearing at this moment says and I wore it on purpose this morning because I learned about two people this week who are terminal with their cancer. It never stops breaking my heart. And it always makes me stop for a moment and just wonder... will that pain happen to the people in my life that I love one day? I don't know. I can't read the future any better than anyone else. I have an appointment with my oncologist next week. I have been looking forward to this appointment for a couple of months but in the past 24 hours, my mood around it has shifted into a little bit of fear.
I think that's how it is with cancer. You don't know when something will come along and remind you just how vulnerable you are... until it hits you. I've been cruising around these past few days and weeks... focusing on the future, trying to find new friends to hang with, trying to reconnect with old friends... not really thinking much about breast cancer. Well, thinking about breast cancer in a different way. My mind has been focused on how to live beyond breast cancer... and now I'm a little shook because in the blink of an eye it can be about how to die with breast cancer.
That's extreme but its possible. Two people tangentially connected to me are facing those issues right now. I'm preparing to go out in a couple of hours to hang with some good friends, eat some great food and have lots of fun. It should be an amazing night. But knowing that I'm going to see Dr. Siegel next week, and knowing that at least two more people will be lost to the world because of breast cancer... really makes me just a smidge afraid.
Life is about how you react to the situations and challenges that you are presented with. My life (at this moment) is about letting the world know that sexy and breast cancer DOES go together... and trying to leave a faint mark on the world that will remain after I'm gone.
Alright! Enough of the sappy stuff. It is a beautiful day in the DC metro area. Spring has SPRUNG... and I plan to twist, and flirt and laugh... all night long.
Smooches! (The Tidal Basin during the blossoming of the cherry trees is my ABSOLUTE-CAN'T-GET-NO-BETTER-I-LOVE-ALL-OF-THIS-TOURISTY-STUFF spot in the world. This is a stock photo, can't wait to get out there next week and take my own pictures)
Daffodil Days In Edmonton
Bonnie Doon Mall
March 27, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
Camrose Farmers Market
March 27, 9 a.m. - 2 p.m.
Canadian Tire West
March 27, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
Canterbury Manor
March 25, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
Capilano Wal-Mart/Capilano
March 26, 4 a.m. - 8:30 p.m.
March 27, 9 a.m. - 3:30 p.m.
Clairview Wal-Mart
March 27, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
College Plaza
March 25, 10 a.m. - 2 p.m.
Commerce Place
March 24-25, 8 a.m. - 4 p.m.
Cross Cancer Institute
March 24, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
Grey Nuns Hospital
March 26, 9 a.m. - 3 p.m.
Londonderry Mall
March 26, 11 a.m. - 8 p.m.
March 27, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
Misercordia Hospital
March 25, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
NAIT
March 22, 9:30 a.m. - 4:30 p.m.
March 24, 9:30 a.m. - 4:30 p.m.
South Edmonton Common Wal-Mart
March 27, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
Southgate Mall
March 27, 9:30 a.m. - 4 p.m.
Strathcona Farmers Market
March 27, 7:30 a.m. - 3 p.m.
University Hospital
March 25, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
University of Alberta Hub Mall
March 23, 10 a.m. - 3:00 p.m.
West End Wal-Mart
March 27, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.
Friday, March 19, 2010
My Friday Knitting Group
In uncertainty I am certain we have only one story.
A child may ask, “What is the world’s story about?” And a grown man or woman may wonder, “What way will the world go? How does it end and , while we’re at it, what’s the story about?”
I believe that there is one story in the world, and only one, that has frightened and inspired us, so that we live in a Pearl White serial of continuing thought and wonder. Humans are caught – in their lives, in their thoughts, in their hungers and ambitions, in their avarice and cruelty, and in their kindness and generosity too – in a net of good and evil. I think this is the only story we have and that it occurs on all levels of feeling and intelligence. Virtue and vice were warp and woof of our first consciousness, and they will be the fabric of our last, and this despite any changes we may impose on field and river and mountain, on economy and mangers.
There is no other story. A man, after he has brushed off the dust and chips of his life, will have left only the hard, clean questions: Was it good or was it evil? Have I done well – or ill?
Herodotus, in the Persian War, tells a story of how Croesus, the richest and most favored king of his time, asked Solon the Athenian a leading question. He would not have asked it if he had not been worried about the answer. “Who” he asked, “is the luckiest person in the world” He must have been eaten with doubt and hungry for reassurance. Solon told him of three lucky people in old times. And Croesus more than likely did not listen, so anxious was he about himself. And when Solon did not mention him, Croesus was forced to say, “Do you not consider me lucky?”
Solon did not hesitate in his answer. “How can I tell?” he said. “You aren’t dead yet.”
And this answer must have haunted Croesus dismally as his lucky disappeared, and his wealth and his kingdom. And as he was being burned on a tall fire, he may have thought of it and perhaps wished he had not asked or not been answered.
And in our time, when a man dies – if he has had wealth and influence and power and all the vestments that arouse envy, and after the living take stock of the dead man’s property and his eminence and works and monuments – the question is still there: Was his life good or was it evil? – which is another way of putting Coresus’s question. Envies are gone, and the measuring stick is: “Was he loved or was he hated? Is his death felt as a loss or does a kind of joy come of it?”
I remember clearly the deaths of three men. One was the richest man of the century, who, having clawed his way to wealth through the souls and bodies of men, spent many years trying to buy back the love he had forfeited and by that process performed great service to the world and, perhaps, had much more than balanced the evils of his rise. I was on a ship when he died. The news was posted on the bulletin board, and nearly everyone received the news with pleasure. Several said, “Thank God that son of a bitch is dead.”
Then there was a man, smart as Satan, who, lacking some perception of human dignity and knowing all too well every aspect of human weakness and wickedness, used his special knowledge to warp men, to buy men to bribe and threaten and seduce until he found himself in a position of great power. He clothed his motives in the names of virtue, and I have wondered whether he ever knew that no gift will ever buy back a man’s love when you have removed his self-love. A bribed man can only hate his briber. When this man died the nation rang with praise and, just beneath, with gladness that he was dead.
There was a third man, who perhaps made many errors in performance but whose effective life was devoted to making men brave and dignified and good in a time when they were poor and frightened and when ugly forced were loose in the world to utilize their fears. This man was hated by the few. When he died the people burst into tears in the streets and their minds wailed, “What can we do now? How can we go on without him?”
In uncertainty I am certain that underneath their topmost layers of frailty men want to be good and want to be loved. Indeed, most of their vices are attempted short cuts to love. When a man comes to die, no matter what his talents and influence and genius, if he dies unloved his life must be a failure to him and his dying a cold horror. It seems to me that if you or I must choose between two courses of thought or action, we should remember our dying and try so to live that our death brings no pleasure to the world.
We have only one story. All novels, all poetry, are built in the neverending contest in ourselves of good and evil. And it occurs to me that evil must constantly respawn, while good, while virtue, is immortal. Vice has always a new fresh young face, while virtue is venerable as nothing else in the world is.
-Chapter 34, East of Eden 1952 by Nobel Prize winner John Steinbeck.
Last night, at a very small gathering, I had the honor of meeting Dr. Joseph Murray, a brilliant man, 91 years young, recipient of the 1990 Nobel Prize in Medicine, Harvard Medical Professor Emeritus, author, pioneer, optimist and Steinbeck's Third Man.
Among the many things Dr. Murray said a few stuck with me. The first, his suggestion to read Steinbeck's Chapter 34 from East of Eden, copied above. The second, a quote: "The reason why this moment is so precious, is because it will never happen again."
Dr. Murray also expressed his enthusiasm to address a small living room sized gathering, as far different from the usual lecture theatre engagements. The wide range of the audience’s age from 22 years old to seniors added to depth of the anecdotes and lessons shared. Dr. Murray stressed the three ingredients he felt were necessary to achieve significant breakthroughs (in medicine) namely, “curiosity, imagination and perseverance.” He also mentioned a few factors to avoid such as “self-importance and obstinacy.”
I believe Dr. Murray suggested Steinbeck's "What is the world’s story about?" to point out that all we are is the sum of our choices. Every second we choose. At the end of our day, and even our life, these singular choices tell the story of our life.
Meeting Dr. Murray was an extreme privilege and something I hope I live long enough to always remember. Ultimately, his message to me was: We have only one story and we are the authors.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
25th AIDS Walk in Boston-June 6th, 2010
They are once again looking for talented, dedicated and hard working individuals to fill the following volunteer positions:
- Pre-Event Office Support
- Course Marshals
- Crowd Control
- Finish Area Volunteers
- Registration Volunteers
- Run Volunteers
- Walk Check Point Volunteers
- Post Event Office Support
- Special Skill Areas: Truck/Van Drivers and Photographers
For more information about volunteering at AIDS Walk Boston contact Sarah MacPherson at (617) 437-1573 or smacpherson@aac.org
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Still thinking about sex after breast cancer
My New Spring Look
Happy renovating!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
My Living Well Homework
Monday, March 15, 2010
Blood Work and Oncologist Visit
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Is there hope of a sex life after breast cancer?
(I'm blaming my outburst on the wine I had been drinking)
It wasn't my intention to tell the twitter world that I wanted to get laid. (laughs) But... I did. And I've been thinking about that ever since my outburst. Its not a crime to want to experience sexual intimacy. Its a natural progression in life. So, I have to ask... why does all of this seem just so doggone hard? I mean, I know part of it has to do with worrying about the big "reveal" prior to the act. But I don't think that's all of it.
Here's the thing: I am a single woman. Before breast cancer, I was vibrant and energetic and enjoyed a full sex life. Well, its almost two years after my diagnosis and while I've been through the hell fighting this disease... I'm getting back to "me". And "me" includes enjoying an active love life.
I want that part of my life back too. (please and thank you!)
Getting to the place where I feel good in my skin has taken some time. I have moments when I'm not really feeling that great or that pretty... but they come fewer and farther between now. I'm so grateful for that. But there's always another challenge and the current challenge is... Will there be a resurrection of my sex life after cancer?
Sigh. I surely hope so.
I have confirmed that men do still find me attractive. I am assured that at least a few of those guys probably would consider having sex with me. However getting from the mental thoughts of... "I would really like to get nekkid with him"... to the actual..."ohmygawd... we're about to do it"... seems to be the equivalent of getting from Maryland to the moon.
And I don't have a rocket in my backyard.
From a clinical perspective, I can reassure my pink ribbon sisters behind me on the path... yes, your sex drive will come back. Depending on where you are in your journey, it may even be higher than you remember. From an emotional perspective, its good to remember that you're still a girl -- and to feel it, way down deep, down there too.
But I'm older and wiser in ways that I wasn't before breast cancer. And between that hesitation in my head and the thought of getting that close to another person and risking rejection... whew. We're back at looking at maps to get to the moon.
I WANT to get sexual again. Just not sure how to do it. Do I just jump right out there, pick a cute boy and roll with it? Literally? Or do I try to slow my hormonal lust down and find a good man to have a long-term and solid relationship with? Do it the "good girl" way?
Shooooooot!! I have NOT been a good girl all my life. Sorry to disappoint some of you. But its true. What I have been is relatively quiet and discrete about my actions. Those who know... KNOW. Those who don't... can only guess. I never confirm nor deny. I just smile and nod and keep it moving.
So, where does that leave me now? I'm a sexy, juicy girl... with a lot of lust in my heart. (Gawsh, I know some folks are probably wondering why I'm going there today) I'm trying not to be too crass but the truth is that I spend a lot of time with myself trying not to explode all over the place.
Hmmm... that didn't come out right. What I mean is...
What I mean is, I want to get back to having a normal sex life. Judging from what I've read about other pink ribbon sisters, establishing a new normal is par for the course and it does get better. Actually, I want an abnormal sex life, honestly. I want more sex than I know what to do with. (laughs) And I want it now.
In the meantime, I'll keep working on the "good girl" plan. Its safer, I think.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Lymphedema Explained Video
Friday, March 12, 2010
Shout Out To - Kids With Cancer
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Hair chronicles: returning to the "old" me
I’ve been stressed out about my hair for the past few months. When it started growing back, I was happy about it. As it continued to grow, I was still sort of thrilled about it. Although, I was pretty confused about how to care for it and style it. So, I started experimenting with different products and such. And it was growing pretty well. That was good.
For some reason though, I got it in my head that I needed a haircut. A shaping or something. I didn’t like what I was seeing in the mirror every day. I liked the hair itself, but I didn’t like my overall look anymore. Spring is coming and I needed something with some oomph.
Long story short, I cut my hair last night. I went to the barbershop and sat in my regular chair and got a haircut. It has been a year and a half since the last time I sat in that chair. I was happy to see my barber and we chatted a bit about nothing per usual but it was good. It was the same rhythm from before cancer. That was what I wanted. Some of that old rhythm in my life.
He started those clippers and I sat there stoic-faced trying not to be shocked as the little curlies fell on the floor. But it was really hard not to cry. I don’t know why. My haircut is really nice. Very sharp. Suits me just fine. But cutting my hair was really not the move.
I am really unhappy. Not with his work but it is slowly dawning on me that I am not that girl anymore. Every time I try to push myself back into the old me mold, I realize that I don’t fit there anymore.
I made a promise to myself that I would let my hair grow. And then I cut it. For no real reason other than I wanted to feel cute and sassy again. But I am realizing that like India Arie sang… I am not my hair. Hair doesn’t define me – but I mean that in the sense that I don’t have to wear a certain style any longer to feel or express my beauty. I don’t have to go back to the old me and the old definition of what makes Nic beautiful. I can be a very pretty and beautiful Nic with long curly hair too.
Sigh. Just wish I had this revelation before I went to the barbershop last night. (smile)
Oh well, back to the beginning. We start from here growing more hair.