Knitting Group

I signed up for a knitting group through the cancer clinic. It’s a drop in group so no pressure to be there or complete a particular project. You can even bring your own projects from home. The facilitators wanted something causal. Previously, they noticed that the knitters were so busy knitting and not talking or socializing with each other. With a more casual atmosphere, there should be more time to yak ....and boy’o boy did we yak.

It’s interesting to see how these groups bring people from all backgrounds and professions to one commonality ... cancer.

Btw, I started a funky scarf.

Are you in it to end it?

Are you in it to end it?

These words are part of the new ad campaign for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. I received a flyer in the mail yesterday encouraging me to sign up for the 2-day Walk for Breast Cancer.

Prior to my diagnosis of breast cancer, I promised myself that one year I would actually take up the challenge. Every year the 2-day walk takes place in Washington, DC during my birthday weekend. I wanted to walk in honor of  my Aunt Vinnie-Lee who died from breast cancer and I wanted to walk in honor of my Aunt Alice who is a survivor.  I figured that it wouldn't be robbery for me to dedicate a few months of my life to preparing for this challenge and raising money that could do some good in this fight against this disease.

...and then I found out that I had breast cancer and now I don't know. Wouldn't you think that I would have the opposite reaction? That I would be bursting at the seams to do something like this to show my solidarity and support? I'm weird. I know. (laughs)

The 2-day walk is set up so that you can walk the entire 39.3 miles (broken up into 26.2 the first day, and 13.1 on the second day) or you can choose to walk the equivalent of a marathon (26.2 miles) split between the two days. If you've never moved your body that far... let me tell you that it is an amazing experience.  I've trained for a marathon in the past and well... that's some real work.

26.2 miles is a long stretch of road. It is more than a physical challenge, it is a mental one as well. I'm not sure that I am physically up for it (though I am intrigued by the notion and the goal) and I'm really not sure that I am mentally and emotionally ready for it. But... so many women and men lose a portion of their lives, their bodies and themselves because of this disease (including myself). And so I wonder can I do more?

Can I do more?

Right now, writing about my experiences with breast cancer gives me something to focus on and also gives me a voice. I hope that I am helping others with this transparency into my feelings. I believe that I am. But, is it enough and can I do more?

I am planning to host a fundraising event later in the year. I want to help other sisters like myself -- the same way that my pink ribbon sisters before me reached out to help me. I plan to be a strong link in the chain... doing what I can to help another sister on this rocky path.

I don't think this is my year to walk 39 miles. But I will do something. Will you do something?

Out and About

Last night D and I went out with a few girlfriends, mine not his... the other husbands were busy. As we drove up to this new bar downtown, I said to D, let’s see if we can get lucky with a parking spot right in front ... well sure enough, one guy was just getting into his car to leave ... yippee, we did get lucky.

This particular bar was new in town and was offering a real good deal on hors d'oeuvres ... the wings were great. The bar was packed and it was nice to get out and experience a bit of the night life again.

August was the last time we were together and it was good to see the girls again. They all look so good. Two of them are long-time breast cancer survivors and are doing real well.

Still quite cold here. Thank goodness for our remote car starter; it sure came in handy at home time.

Getting in Some Exercise

Yesterday D and I went to the mall. The weather here is 10 degrees below normal... around the -20C (-4F) mark during the day. So the mall is the place to go to be Molly and Wally mall walker and get some exercise. We walked a good while and then stopped for coffee and cinnamon buns ... did some people watching... and finally off to our nice warm home.

I received an email that my Second Cup friend C was in the hospital ... stint issues ... so last night I went and visited her. She looks great, feels well and could be out any day. I’m sure hoping that happens sooner than later. Have I told you lately ... cancer sucks!

That body-image issue is a monster

I was recently chatting on facebook with a friend about her recent experience with a Korean spa. I only learned about Korean spas recently (within the last year or so) and they sound like a fabulous experience. Cheaper than a regular spa and typically less fancy... Korean spas seem to specialize in getting right to it, and getting you clean and detoxed.

I like that thought.

It seems as though they have techniques for scrubbing away all the dirt and dead skin that you weren't even aware that you had, leaving you feeling marvelous and tingly and just... well, clean. When I first heard about the experience, I considered it and then promptly forgot. So my conversation with my friend reminded me that I wanted to give it a try... some day.

My initial hesitation was that my skin is different now. Chemotherapy and radiation have done a number on my beautiful carmel skin. It is dry in ways that it never used to be and its more fragile. I have heard that the ladies at the Korean spa can be a little rough (and they don't always speak good English) so while I was interested, I was also hesitant. The last thing I want to do is overdo it and end up in a bad place. (remember the tragedy with my last pedicure? (read here)

But during our chat, I realized that I had a whole other issue that I had not truly considered. Dismal body-image. At the Korean spas, nudity is normal. The spa is segregated by gender and people walk around totally nude. It seems to be a non-issue there but the thought freaked me out.

Prior to my mastectomy, I would have hesitated (I'm a bit shy) but I probably could have convinced myself to go on through with it. Now? Oh hell no. I definitely would not have gone immediately following my mastectomy when I had one breast. But now? With my newly reconstructed "Barbie-boob"? Um... that's still a negative.

As those emotions washed over me during our brief chat, I grew sad and also angry with myself. Just how long will I be afraid of these scars? How long will it matter that when I open my robe in the bathroom... the reflection that I see is truly ME?

Now, in the grand scheme of things... I know that I should not be concerned with what any of the technicians at the spa or other patrons may think if they were faced with my naked body. However, my heart literally fell into my shoes at the thought of walking around naked the way that I am.

How long will my self-esteem be so closely connected to the image that I see in the mirror? Or the reflection that I imagine on the face of whomever I choose to share this body with? Its sad really. I know better and yet... I cannot help how I feel.

One of my goals for this year is to regain my sexiness, my swagger. To learn to look at this body, fully naked, and not cringe or cry or get sad. I hope that it won't be a long time before I change that habit.

Hair chronicles: Getting started with Miss Jessie's

Sigh. Me and my hair. (laughs) What a journey it has been so far.

As a little girl, I did not like my hair. I did not enjoy those long Saturday sessions with my mother and the hot comb. Burnt ears and tears is truly not a way to enjoy the weekend. Luckily for me, the 80's came along and brought with it the miracle of the jheri curl.  I rocked that slimy style throughout high school and into college. And there, I really realized that my hair was not the same as the hair my white roommate had.

Years of soul searching and trying to figure out why I couldn't wash my hair everyday like my roommate, or why my hair would shrivel up at the thought of water... basically sent me to the new addiction of the hair salon.

I became enslaved to the salon. I had to have my hair done all the time. And I could not do it myself. It was too complicated, too intricate... more than I could handle. So, even though I hated it... I trekked to the beauty salon. And when I didn't feel like it was right, I found another one. And another one. And another one. Until I realized that I was losing a lot of my life sitting in salon chairs and spending money that could have done other things... I started to get angry but there wasn't a way out of the trap.

But there was.

One tragic trip to a new hair salon caused me to have the knee-jerk reaction of going to the barbershop and cutting off all of my hair. I went natural and had the BC (big chop) without even realizing there were terms for that. (laughs)

I experimented with rocking a short fro, a low ceaser, braids... anything that didn't require going to the hair salon on a regular basis. Eventually, I found my groove and the ceaser fade was it for me. I rocked that "baldie" for 12 years and loved it. Going to the barbershop was FREEDOM. I didn't have to make an appointment. It rarely cost me more than $20. I would be in and out in less than 30 minutes -- an hour if it was busy. It was fabulous. Getting my hair done no longer had to tie up my whole day. Glorious freedom and sexiness too. Loved it!

So, now that I'm growing my hair out after chemotherapy took it all out... I am at a loss about what to do. I have brand new hair. It is not the same hair that I had going into chemotherapy. The texture is different, the color is slightly different and its very soft and fragile. I've been listening to my natural hair friends and have learned quite a bit. I kept hearing a buzz about Miss Jessie's products for naturally curly hair and I finally decided to take the expensive plunge and order some products. http://www.missjessies.com/

One trip through the website (be sure to watch the videos) convinced me that this may be what I've been looking for. Something that will tame and control these curls and give me some of my sexy back.

Of course, after I placed my order I learned that Miss Jessie's now contains ingredients that I may not want to put on my hair -- mineral oil, petroleum, and parabens (known links to cancer) -- but I've decided to give it a try anyway. My oncologist told me last year that I could not dye my hair or put chemicals in my hair. So, I'm definitely searching for ways to manage my curly hair without falling back on old habits of feeling forced to straighten my hair.

If I'm going to embrace a new me, embracing my curly locks has to be a part of that.  2010 will be the year of "redefining my sexy".

I'm going to give the products a try and I will let you know how it all works out. (They were having a fabulous sale at the end of the year, so I got a lot of products to try)

Itchy Eyes

One thing I’ve noticed since quitting Taxotere is that my eyes don’t water any more. They now feel puffy and itchy from the Xeloda. My nose is still a Kleenex hog tho. I had a full nose with Taxotere but this is different, it’s now runny as opposed to being full of mucus.

So last night I was rubbing my eyes quite a bit and decided to take some Benadryl before bed and it really took the itch out. Some nights I have trouble sleeping and I’m kinda thinkin’ it’s all got to do with my allergies. For a test, I’m going to change my Tide and Bounce to something else but for now Benadryl is my best buddy.

Yesterday at the clinic the nurse noted that I lost 1 kilo (2.2lbs) since my last weigh-in a month ago. I think I`ve got rid of some more body fluid. I`m happy with the weight loss, although I`m still up from when I started this whole deal a year and half ago.