wet blisters, peeling skin...

Radiation treatment is definitely interesting. On Friday, I had a small coin size area of naked skin under my arm. By this morning, the area of raw skin had quadrupled in size. What I currently have is what is called "wet blisters". As opposed to "dry flakes"... my radiated (burned) skin is bubbling up and basically disintegrating away from my body. Its GROSS! With a capital G. For once I am glad that I have lost a lot of feeling under my arm, and in the breast area. I know that it should hurt but it doesn't hurt very much. Well, it doesn't hurt in the way that I think it should hurt.

What I'm feeling right now is more of a dull ache that is throughout my body. In that specific area, my skin and muscles are tender to the touch -- much like a bad sunburn. It is most uncomfortable when I lay down to rest and/or sleep (which is actually quite often). But the pain isn't so sharp that tylenol can't take the edge off and allow me to be more comfortable.

I'd take a picture but it is extremely disgusting looking... so I don't think I should share that with you. It is difficult to apply the creams that I've been given to my skin because of the tenderness and the rawness of the wound. I was alarmed this morning to find that so much fluid had expressed through the wound through the night. It had leaked through the bandage and into my nightshirt. However, when the doctor looked at it today -- she told me that it was quite normal.

Normal.

I don't think that after all this is over I will ever think of normal in the same way again. Everything that is absolutely the antithesis of what I think normal is -- is being labeled as normal now. Its mind-bending actually. But, its okay.

Oh, I lost the last little fingernail that was holding on today. While waiting for the radiation nurse to look at my wounds, I was fumbling with my purse and my chart and pop! off it went. I actually laughed out loud. It threw her off for a moment and she started to move quickly to find me bandage. I just didn't need it. But luckily, it took a long time for this nail to fall off, long enough that the nail underneath has grown almost to the end of my finger. My nails are looking much better (to me)... however, I don't think they look as good to other people. The look on my friend's face Friday night when I showed my hands to her, reminded me that where I see progress others may not. And that's okay too.

My hair is still growing in nicely and its still really straight. I was told by someone (can't remember who at the moment) that in a year or so it may return to its previous state. Kinky and wavy as opposed to straight. My gray patch returned and I am actually quite happy to see it.

I also noticed today some burned skin on my neck. And I realized that it is more radiated skin that will likely slough off in the near future. I'm hoping that it won't blister and peel like the skin around my breast/and under my arm because it doesn't appear to be as burned as the other skin. Of course, I know nothing... (haha) and eventually everything I think I know turns out to be untrue. So... we will see.

I felt pretty bad this weekend. I had a grand time on Friday night and my spirits were definitely lifted from spending time with friends. However, Saturday and Sunday were complete busts. I could barely walk or stand for long. My sleep was fitful and I was achy all over. I think that the accumulation of radiation runs me down more than I expect by the end of the week. That's a guess.

At any rate, last week was really emotional. I'm hoping that this week will be more peaceful and that I will get some much needed rest.

I was feeling philosophical earlier this evening... reflecting on my life and the relationships that I've had over the years. I was going to write something about living above regrets and finding peace and solace with the choices I've made. But now, I'm not thinking that any of that needs to be articulated (in detail) tonight. Basically, I'm pretty tired. I've already taken my tylenol pm and am waiting for it to kick in. Tomorrow will be a long day... chemo for a couple of hours and then radiation. So, I imagine that tomorrow evening... I won't be very chatty.

I'm planning to post a new picture of myself soon. (as soon as I take one, haha) I don't look like Uncle Fester anymore.

...some of my cuteness has returned.

I Love Pasta

A few things I learned at our Intro to Pasta Making class at Dave’s Fresh Pasta:

• Pasta dough needs proper kneading and resting, just like bread dough.
• Sweet potato is tasty as a ravioli filling (though when isn’t it?).
• I would never have thought about lemon pasta, but it is delicious (as I’m sure it is served, as Dave suggests, with chicken or fish).
• Fresh pasta only takes a few minutes to cook and can be frozen until ready to use.
• Dave’s Fresh Pasta is amazing!

Earth Hour in Boston - 2009

Boston seems consumed by the NCAA basketball tournament. However, maybe you should give your poor adrenaline-flooded heart a rest this Saturday from 8:30 PM to 9:30 PM by turning off your TV, and all electricity. It's called Earth Hour, and it's a worldwide event where people turn it all off in recognition of [essentially] global warming and our impact as humans on the Earth.

Individuals can choose to participate simply by making the choice to turn it all off. You still can have fun without electricity - My cousins and I used to regularly play "hide and seek in the dark," which was oh so thrilling (and bruise-inducing - who put that stepstool there?). You could also pull out some cards, board games, or light a few candles and get cozy with a special friend. ;-)

Cities can also elect to participate. This year, Boston has signed up, joining the list of over 1,000 cities in 80 countries. Us New Englanders are officially part of this! The Hancock tower will be dimming its lights, as will the Zakem bridge, Prudential Center, and other local landmarks.

Some restaurants are also celebrating with beeswax candles setting the mood - The Achilles Project in the up and coming Fort Point district (aka the area between South Station and the Boston Convention Center) is leading the way with a special menu between 8:30 and 9:30 PM.

Last year Chicago turned it off, and prevented the same amount of CO2 from being created that 104 acres of trees would have consumed. One hour CAN make a big difference.

So. I'll see you in the dark!

Related Posts: Earth Hour in Boston 2008; What is preventing you from being green?; Shopping Thriftily (and greenly)
The photo is of me! I'm in front of my candle-heavy birthday cake.

SIS Marathon Social

April is when the infamous Boston marathon will be going down. Why not start cheering these champion runner's prior to the Boston marathon? Come on down and support Sport in Society's Marathon Team by coming to the Pour House for an evening of music, competitions, and fun.


There will be a raffle, with such awesome prizes as: Signed NE Revolution Jerseys, Personal Training Sessions at Train Boston, Personal Massage Gift Certificates, Signed Boston Bruins Items, Private parties at local bars...


Details:
March 31, 2009 from 6 pm – 9 pm
The Pour House
$20 Suggested Donation

*free giveaways and free food*


Sport in Society will utilize the power and appeal of sport to create a just world by eliminating discrimination, hate and violence, while creating lasting solutions, and promoting healthy development and social responsibility.


Related Posts: Spirit of Service is Hiding Something, Boston’s Run to Remember 2008, Team In Training: One Way to Make a Difference

all of this is scary and unsettling...

I tend to write my blog posts late at night... when the hot flashes are making me miserable and I have been mentally reviewing my day before sleep.

If someone had told me a year ago that this would be my journey, I don't think I would have believed that I would make it through to the end. Unlike a lot of other women, I do not consider myself a "strong black woman". That's not to say that I think I'm weak or spineless... (though I don't think that weakness is a sin) but that I don't like to shoulder the baggage that I see in the phrase "strong black woman".

I think its a set-up. I think its a way for us to remain the burden carriers (and pack-mules) for the world. I believe that it started as an affirmation that reflected the truth that although we endured many things for many generations, we have managed to survive because we bend but don't break. However, I think that it has become overused, stretched and twisted so much that it no longer affirms us, but shackles us to these unbelievable caricatures of what femininity, black culture and just life in general are supposed to be.

I am sometimes strong. But I'm also very fragile. I can stand my ground, but sometimes I sway. Basically, I'm human - like every other woman on the planet. Ever notice how women of other cultures are described? The terms usually convey a softness and a vulnerability that isn't ascribed to sisters. I know that I am vulnerable and soft. Sometimes I'm thin-skinned and too sensitive. I cry at the drop of dime when I'm stressed out and I hate feeling like a failure.

But when you tell people that, or they see you in those moments... its as though you're becoming something other than what you are. They become confused and disturbed and then try to remind you that...

You're a STRONG BLACK WOMAN... why are you crying? why are you sad? why are you tired? why are you cranky? why do you shout? why are you bitter? why are you angry? seemingly at the world?

Because I am a woman. Period. And sometimes I cry.

Since my diagnosis, I have learned of more than a couple of women who have also been diagnosed with breast cancer or other types of cancer. And for all of them, I weep and I pray. I whisper your names when you come to mind because I want the Lord to know that my heart weeps with yours as you struggle to find your way through this wilderness.

I will tell you like other women told me... you will come through this. And you are more than entitled to weep, to shout, to laugh, to scream, to do whatever your heart tells you to do to keep you going. But what's amazing... is that you didn't have to get cancer to do that.

Don't let anyone bully you into accepting a banner of "super-woman" unless you want to wear it. I shrugged mine off years ago when depression put its foot on my neck. And I've refused to put that cape on again. But that's me. It may not be you.

Today has been a day where the absence of my breast has been deeply felt. My skin is so doggone tender and sore that I find myself unconsciously holding my arm across that area when I lay down. And when I'm walking around the house, I find myself cupping the area with my hand. It sort of eases some of the pain and the heat that is concentrated there. The doctor looked at my peeling skin today and said it was normal. She said that my skin was holding up extremely well actually. That normally by this part of the treatment, many patients find their skin in the entire area bubbling and blistering. Instead of one quarter-sized area like me.

I cannot imagine how painful and scary that is. I am freaked out by my progress right now and I am wondering how much worse it will become before it returns to normal. The nurse gave me some sort of gel to put on my skin and some bandages to cover the blistering area and the area on my chest that is the most tender. When I change the bandages and apply more gel -- it feels great for about 3 minutes and then it is more tolerable for about 1 hour. After that... back to throbbing, hot pain.

sigh...


I just watched a really wack movie... "diary of a tired black man". It is supposed to be the black male version of waiting to exhale. It was some foolishness to me but then, I'm not a tired black man. I watched it because I've been hearing about it for awhile and I want to host a discussion event around it. I mention the movie because the filmmaker asked the question "what is a strong black woman"? And even though I watched in my bedroom alone, I had to restrain myself from talking to my television screen.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING. She's a myth like superman.


This is my "stuff" and it might not be yours but it really makes me cringe to hear someone say those words about me. Maybe I'm taking it too literally. And maybe its just fine. But it bothers me.

If a man or woman says "Nicole, you're a strong woman" or "I couldn't be as strong as you"... they are taking something very powerful from me as they are giving me something they think is more powerful.

My vulnerability.

Being vulnerable, being human... is beautiful. And it is feminine. I don't want the mythology of what a black woman "should be" to take away from who and what I am as a black woman. I'm a young black woman with cancer. And even though the paperwork says that I am cancer-free -- I will be fighting this battle for the rest of my life. That's heavy enough. I don't need the extra weight of being super-woman on top of that.

Look, the truth is... I am tired and scared. And if I could give up on these treatments and be fine, I probably would. I'm scared everyday and most of the night (haha) and if I could do anything to make this different, I would. But I can't. Several really smart doctors told me that those tumors would eventually kill me and make my life miserable if I did not take care of them. I decided that I wasn't quite ready to die and that when it did happen, I definitely didn't want it to be painful and long-lasting so I decided to go through the treatments that would save my life.

And while I've complained, whined and cried every step of the way -- I did what I had to do. Nothing more. Nothing spectacular. Nothing that any of you would not do if faced with the same or similar news.



I'm really sad about the relationship that ended this week. That person meant a great deal to me and its going to be tough getting used to the absence. More vulnerability. (shrug) But what can you do? You can't force someone to cope with something that is too much for them, or that they choose not to deal with. I can't say that I've been the best company or the best friend these past few months... my focus has been on myself. And while I have been told repeatedly by doctors, nurses, friends and family that its okay to focus on me -- it is still difficult to accept that someone you loved couldn't handle that when it came down to the day to day "stuff" of dealing with a friend with cancer. I suspect it will be hard to accept for some time.


For everyone who has gathered some strength (and some giggles I hope) from my postings... believe me when I tell you that your story will do the same for someone else. I don't intend to diminish what I've been through and what I have left to go through. Not at all. This is tough stuff. Its ugly and harsh and my heart has been broken so deeply that I believe it will be a long recovery in that area. But I'm sure that I will recover and I'm sure I will be okay. Its just going to take some time to get used to the new me and my new normal.



One night, many months from now... I'll have two breasts (perky ones too), a flatter tummy, longer hair, clear shiny nails, no prickly feeling in my hands and feet... no hot flashes... and I'll look back and probably think that this season wasn't that bad. Time puts a veneer on things that seems to take away some of the sting and pain that was felt in the moment. Right now, I know it is hard but not impossible. Its tough but I can handle it. Its just where my life is right now.

...and I hope that eventually I can truly make peace with all of this. Right now, I waver between feeling cursed and feeling blessed. And I haven't pushed beyond that yet. Maybe one day I will.

I have to tell you, I'm very grateful for my radiation "buddy" Irene. Most of you who know me personally, know that whatever I'm feeling or thinking shows up on my face. I don't play poker for that reason. (ha ha!) Irene has only known me during this last portion of the journey... but she knows when I need a hug and never fails to give me just the right amount of touch to make feel better. My family is not very demonstrative with hugs and such. And typically, neither am I. But sometimes my heart gets so very heavy and its all I can do to just hold the tears behind my eyeballs... and like clockwork Irene comes around with a hug that reminds me that I am here. I am human. And I'm not alone. I'm really not alone.

complaining is so useless...

I'm sitting here thinking of the pain and the frustration... and while I know that its appropriate for me to be upset sometimes... it really is just useless.

Life is short. It really is. Even though my birthday is coming up, I feel like 25 was a few weeks ago. So what, I've got a little cancer. I had 38 healthy years before I ever even knew. Some kids get cancer when they are barely toddlers. And their parents and family have to watch them deal with these harsh treatments while hoping that it stretches out their little lives... just a little longer.

All that to say... as bad as this is... as overwhelmed as I get from time to time... it could be worse. So, I have to stay present in the moment and acknowledge that its okay. I'm going to be okay. And that's all any of us can ask for at any given moment of crisis.

And don't forget about finding your soul mate

Clearly CNN had been reading John's post from yesterday because they had their own little addition to the benefits of volunteering: finding your soul mate.

Now, I don't want to get down into the analysis of why this may or may not be true--I didn't cover that in Bio 101 and I didn't take any psychology courses, but who knows, maybe there's something to it. What do you think?

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/03/24/find.love.while.volunteering/index.html?eref=ib_topstories

i'm so *(^%@# tired of breast cancer treatments

I'm ranting today because dammit I am T-I-R-E-D! Damn. So sick of breast cancer treatments and all their wack side effects. (sigh)

You know how a charred hot dog looks after its been left on the grill just a little too long? That black puffy skin that blisters and shows yucky pink hot dog meat underneath? (yeah, I will admit that sometimes a good charred "dog" tastes great! but that's not the point)

The radiated skin is really dark... almost black under my arm. Today when I went to treatment, I noticed that some of the skin is blistering/peeling away. And there's this big pink spot of skin underneath. Its so gross. The first thing I thought of was a charred hot dog. (I'd laugh but I'm really sort of pissed off)

If you remember, I was all excited because this was supposed to be my last day of radiation treatment. Well... its not. That doctor (the one I don't like so much) and her team (the ones who sort of annoy me with their arrogance)... all failed to tell me that after radiation ends, there are still more treatments to go. They call them "booster" shots. Basically, I still have radiation treatments but in a much smaller area.

sigh. damn!

Tomorrow is the day I meet with the doctor. I see her once a week. And I'm really going to have to bring up the fact that people keep assuming that I know things that I JUST DON'T KNOW.

If someone says to you... "oh, you have only 10 more treatments"... doesn't that make you think that the 10th treatment is the LAST treatment? Who thinks to ask... well, is the 10th treatment the last treatment -- when that's just what was said?

sigh.

I have 8 more treatments. I don't know if that's all... or there's more. But I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired. And I'm pissy as hell right now.

Chemotherapy was hard as hell. HARD. And the side effects were painful, annoying, aggravating and just bad.

The mastectomy was difficult. It took me weeks to be able to just look at my chest without crying or feeling disfigured.

Radiation has been so draining. I'm tired. But I was managing. Well sort of. But wow. Peeling skin?

I can tell you when the skin peeled/popped... it was last night. While I was trying to sleep. I felt my nightshirt twisting under my arm but I thought nothing of it actually. Just felt that it was a bad night. Who knew that my skin was falling away?

I'm so tired of all this. I know that a lot of folks think that I'm "strong" or handling things well... but I'm not. I'm weak and I'm tired. I'm just tired.

Gotta get some drinks this weekend.


(Shout out to Tiffy for her encouraging words the other day... you're fantastic for sharing)

Get out of the House, Learn New Skills, Help Others and Your Resume

Jobless? Volunteer for Opportunities

Today, Good Morning America ran a story for the jobless - suggesting that volunteering can put you back on track to gainful employment.

"Everyone knows you're not job hunting effectively if you flood job boards with resumes and then hope the phone rings. Carve out time daily to find good leads, send out resumes to follow up, and make new contacts. That leaves time to devote to volunteering, which offers great benefits to advance your career."

When You Volunteer You:

Gain a new skill or enhance an existing one while minimizing a gap in unemployment. The change to get out of the house and feel good about giving your time and talent. Introductions to new people who may help in your search A positive experience to share when a prospective employer asks, "What have you been doing with your time?"

Ideally, to reap the maximum benefit from your volunteer time, your efforts should be aligned with your career goals. For example, an out-of-work graphic designer can offer to create a logo, invitations and all print and online materials for the 25th anniversary fundraiser at a church, or that same person can volunteer for an organization that brings arts programs to needy schools.Those contributions help a worthy cause and add value to a resume that's in keeping with the type of position the candidate wants to pursue.

Position Value to an Employer:

It's up to you to position your volunteer work in a way that's perceived as valuable by prospective employers. Do so in business terms that translate in any work place.

Tap New Connections:

Don't be shy about looking at the board of directors or the list of supporters at the organization. If you can point to the value you've brought to that group, there's nothing wrong with making a cold call or sending an e-mail saying, "I've been volunteering here ... this is my contribution ... and I'd very much appreciate the chance to spend a few minutes talking to you about my work in this field."

That doesn't work if you've been there for three days; it's only applicable once you've shown a sustained commitment.

Talk to other volunteers to find out what kind of work they do. Even if they're out of work, they likely have a spouse, friend, neighbor, former colleague or someone who they could introduce you to if there's a potential connection.

Volunteer Overload?

In some organizations, there's a catch-22. Finally, highly qualified people want to volunteer, but the charity doesn't have the people and resources in place to handle the overflow of volunteer requests.

If this is true at your desired place of service, your best move is to approach the organization with an idea of how and where you can help, as opposed to waiting for the group to assess your interests.

Don't limit yourself to the big names. While there's instant recognition and prestige, you can also contribute to smaller groups where you can truly have ownership of projects and cut through red tape to make things happen.

To find an opportunity, VolunteerMatch.org is a national database of organizations looking for volunteers. You can also approach any group of your choice in your area.

Externships Are Also an Option

Volunteering is associated with nonprofits, interning is connected to students, and externing is a combination that's focused on professionals in the corporate world.

Tory Johnson is the Workplace Contributor on ABC's "Good Morning America" and the CEO of Women For Hire. Visit her Web site at www.womenforhire.com and follow her on Twitter.com/ToryJohnson."

Article: Copyright © 2009 ABC News Internet Ventures. Picture: Copyright http://www.move.org.sg/ebook.gif

well... not feeling so good today

I've been upset and crying since last night. Hard times can really show you who is in your corner and able to stand strong with you. My doctors told me that I should expect to lose some friends along the way because dealing with cancer is difficult and stressful. I thought I had prepared myself for it -- you lose friends all the time as you go through life -- but some friends still surprise you. The ones you think won't stand with you, do... and the ones you think will stand by you forever, sometimes don't.

I'm feeling bad physically too. My energy is low and my skin is really painful now. I was given some medicated cream to put on my skin but its not helping. In fact, it hurts to even touch my skin in that radiated area. I don't know what to do for the pain - besides take tylenol. I can't put anything on it, like a cold/cool compress but I've got to figure something out. The pain is starting to really get to me. I think it will get worse over the next few weeks, after radiation ends, before it gets better.

But... all in all, like every other day... I'm happy to be here and I'm looking forward to the future.

I got another heartbreak the other day but I haven't really had a chance to fully digest it. I learned that I have a large fibroid in my womb. (shaking my head) My mom had them and they are common among black women but I had hoped to be saved from having them. I am fortunate that I don't have pains and/or heavy menstrual cycles like some women but its just one more way that I feel that having children just isn't likely to happen for me. I'm starting to feel ... broken. Broken heart, broken body... my spirit is still holding on but its getting stretched and feels a little fragile right now.

On a lighter note... my hair is coming in nicely (although its bone straight). I almost look the way I looked before I was sick. Almost. I made a promise to myself before my chemotherapy started that if I had to lose my hair, when it grew back I would just let it grow. I haven't had long hair or even short hair (haha) in a long time. I cannot even imagine what I look like with hair but we'll find out eventually. And... my fingernails are coming in. My fingertips are still really tender but its good to look down and not see black/purple nails.

(oops!) I just realized that my cousin called me this weekend and I forgot to call her back. Tanisha!!! Girl, I'm gonna call you tomorrow. I'm writing it down, right now.

dang. (sigh) My memory is totally jacked. They call it cancer-brain or chemo-brain -- and its crazy. I'm sure those of you who have asked me to do things, or respond to messages have been frustrated by my slowness. I sincerely apologize but I promise you -- I really forget things all the time. Sometimes just a few moments after I've had a thought or someone has told me something. Its just GONE. Completely.

So... that's my day. Gonna bury myself in some scriptures and get my prayers and praise on. :)

Holla.

Intro to Pasta Making Class this Tuesday

If you’re like me, the closest you’ve come to making fresh pasta is boiling the tortellini you buy at the supermarket. Despite my experience in the kitchen, stuffed pasta has always seemed intimidating and something best left to the professionals, but this doesn’t have to be the case.

If you’re looking for a new culinary adventure or just to hang out with fellow foodies while supporting a good cause, join us this Tuesday, March 24th from 6:30-9:00pm at Dave’s Fresh Pasta in Davis Square for Intro to Pasta Making: A pasta creating class benefiting the Italian Home for Children. The Italian Home for Children is a residential and day treatment facility for emotionally disturbed children of all races, nationalities and religions.

Tickets are $50 and include a pasta making class with Dave himself, after which you can taste your fresh pasta creations paired with samples of Dave’s wines.

So come cook, eat, and drink with us and hurry, there are only two tickets left!

What is hindering your ability to be Green

I am sure I have mentioned by now that I watch a lot of TV. In any case my latest obsession is watching the green channel. Most of the shows that I watch show you ways you can become more green. The irony isn't lost on me either that I would actually be more green if I didn't watch all the TV I did and read a book instead.

So although I try to be as green as possible sometimes there are instances on these shows that I a end up saying. "I can't do that". For Example one episode featured a home that was being made of straw! I can just imagine going to the City officials asking for a permit, stating I would like to redo my house into straw. I can guarantee I would be denied!

Another episode on a different show said I shouldn't buy clothes that have cotton (not organic) or polyester in it. Sure no problem! Wait a second, it costs what? In this economy who can afford these clothes? Not me. I might as well buy as well buy couture for those prices.

Furthermore, I was at my friend house for the first time and they were giving us a tour of their home. Seems logical, right? Then when we got to the bathroom and they said they have a policy just like in Meet the Fockers, to only flush when they go #2. While I appreciate the water it's saving, it's REALLY gross to see someone else's urine! I would worry about the cleanliness of the whole thing. Perhaps the answer is to get a dual flush toilet, but what if you rent and that is not an option? Then you are left with the choice to flush or not to flush.

My examples may not be something most people can do but that's the point. Where some of us see limitations others see opportunities. I like to think of myself as an opportunist but sometimes even I have my limits. Do you have anything that is hindering your ability to be green, or is it just me?

Related Posts: Composting in an Apartment, The Gift that Keeps on Giving... Solar Power

Picture courtesy of: http://bumperstickers.cafepress.com/item/anti-green-hilarious-bumper-stickers/288141806

4 more radiation treatments

Today I was told that I have four more radiation treatments and then I'm done. Although I could not tell in the beginning that anything was happening... I can definitely tell now.

My skin is really dark in the radiated area. It is tender, like a sunburn. When I get home from treatment, I feel woozy and nauseous for hours. By the end of the night, I have a terrible headache, my chest is sore and I am a bit cranky. So, I'm glad to know that this crap is almost over.

A few more weeks and I'll be back to work. Back to my life, sort of. I will have to take a few "cancer breaks"... to finish my chemo and to get my reconstruction. So, its not as though everything will be the same as before. But it won't be like the past 6 months of treatment and surgery and recuperation and radiation. I can go to dinner, and maybe go on dates again. That would be nice. Hang out with my friends occasionally... that would be nice too. You know, just get back to living without cancer being the primary focus of my whole day.

I had written an entire post about losing friendships and how hard it was... but then my computer acted funky and it all was lost. It was good too... lol. But now, I don't feel like trying to remember all that I wrote. So, maybe it wasn't supposed to be seen.

Although I feel icky right now (radiation side effects)... I feel like a huge weight has been moved off my shoulders. I've gotten through just about everything that I was told I needed to do to be rid of my breast cancer. I still have to get through my herceptin chemo -- to help ensure that it won't come back. And then my reconstruction... and that's it.

Hmph. It feels rather anti-climatic after all the tears and fears and sickness and treatments. Like I want to have a party but I don't really feel (in this moment) like I've done anything. And I know that I have but the feeling hasn't caught up with the moment.

Right now... I want to whisk away to a tropical island and just kick back and relax. But, I can't just yet. I still have a few more doctor visits and treatments and stuff to do first. Maybe by the end of the year, I can take a week or two off and just not think about cancer for awhile.

Boys & Girls Clubs of Boston’s YSPN Program

On Friday April 3, the Boys & Girls Clubs of Boston will hold their first annual YSPN Spring Event hosted by Mayor Thomas M. Menino at Boston’s historic Parkman House.

The event, sponsored by WHDH-TV, will feature dinner, drinks and music. All proceeds will benefit Boys & Girls Clubs of Boston’s YSPN program and its continued efforts to develop stable, healthy relationships with the city’s most at-risk youth.

Boys & Girls Clubs of Boston’s YSPN Program
Date: Friday April 3, 2009
Time: 6:00 p.m.
Ticket price: $100
Location: The Parkman House, 33 Beacon Street
MBTA: Green Line, Park Street

Photos and information pulled from: http://www.bgcb.org

feeling really humbled and blessed

Today started off slowly. I got up late and moving slow. I had a hard time just getting it together.

I spent about 20 minutes last night just staring at myself in the mirror. Naked from the waist up, I just looked at my body. Tried to take in all the details. The white x's and dashes on my skin (left there by the radiation techs) along with some blue lines drawn as well. I stared at the difference in my skin color between the radiated area and the rest of my chest. I have an approximately 5 inch square area of my skin and portion of my underarm that is probably 10 shades darker than the rest of me. I looked at how my breasts looked drastically different from each other now. I just stared.

I didn't cry or smile. I didn't think any thoughts. I just looked. And after I put on my medicated cream and the aquaphor lotion and got into bed, I thought about the journey of my cancer treatment.

I went to sleep late, and I tossed and turned. I had crazy dreams; most of which I don't remember. All that stuck with me when I opened my eyes this morning was that I was losing my teeth (in my dream). I remember running my tongue across my teeth for several minutes... just making sure that they were still there (smile). And they were.

So... I woke up late, feeling weird, very tired and a bit out of sorts. But today was radiation day -- just like every day -- and I couldn't stay in bed. I am not quite sure why but radiation treatment makes me tired. The radiation therapist told me that fatigue was normal because the radiation is killing a lot of cells and my body extends a lot of energy making up the difference. (shrug) I will take her at her word. All I know is that everyday gets a little more difficult to walk and move. And it takes just a little more effort to get up and stay up.

I watched Oprah today. Montell Williams was her main guest. He talked about his MS and how his life has changed because of it. There were clips of other celebrities talking about their various illnesses and the devastation they felt at their diagnosis. I could totally relate. But they also spoke about how they moved beyond their diseases emotionally and walked into a different space. And that inspired me to think more about how cancer has changed my life.

I'm moving into a new phase of my illness and that is transitioning back to "normal" life. But... it is a new normal and I will have to be a new Nic. I've been fighting that thought for a long time. I was just getting to where I really appreciated the old Nic. She was a really great girl -- a little self-focused but generally a good person. I don't know who the new Nic is. At least not yet. But for the past 2 hours all I can think about is how good God is and has been to me.

For so long I was mad that God planted these cancerous cells in my body. He knew what I didn't...that one day they would live beyond their lifetimes and form tumors in my body that would threaten my life. He knew that. And yet... he planted in me some really big dreams (some of which have come true and many more that have not).

He gave me life more abundantly... down to the cellular level.

What is cancer? Basically, it is a genetic mutation where some cells don't die when they are supposed to. Because they don't die, they end up collecting in your body in places where they don't belong. Ultimately creating problems for the cells and organs that do belong.

This post may not make any sense but I am feeling grateful to be here. They say that God doesn't put on you more than you can bear. And I promise you there have been so many nights that I cried myself to sleep feeling like I couldn't take one more minute of having cancer. But, the next minute came and I was still here so that shows you how much I know. I have super-big dreams... and tonight I'm feeling that if I can make it through this then I can make those dreams come true too.

God gave me a reminder that I really can do anything... even survive breast cancer. I'm feeling humbled by that thought and blessed.

finding my way to me again...

I've been slacking on my arm exercises. No excuses, I've just been rather lazy I guess. That doesn't feel quite right to say... its not exactly how I've been feeling. But, I'll leave it there. Maybe the shame of feeling lazy will move me to move that arm more and get it back to its full use again.

I've been thinking a lot lately. Even more than usual. My thoughts aren't as focused on my cancer but more about my life in general and what I plan to do now with myself. I am scared. Life is passing every moment, whether I'm doing something great or something frivolous. Am I doing the right things? Loving the right people? Am I pressing myself hard in the right ways and giving myself the proper slack in others? Just questions swirling around.

I feel very alone. And its an odd feeling knowing that millions of people around the world are dealing with the same feelings, the same fears, the same ghostly illness. But even knowing that there are lots of people suffering like me, doesn't make me feel less alone.

Everybody's cancer is different. My mother and I say this to one another about once a week or so. Usually in the middle of discussing some person we know who is or had dealt with cancer. Its maddening and its saddening. One of my mother's friends is losing her mother to cancer. She's up in age and they have told her that her cancer isn't treatable. She's too fragile to handle chemotherapy or surgery. So, while I fret and complain about the side effects of my treatment, she is coming to grips with the end of her life. Now, I do not know this lady and I have no idea how she feels about any of this. She may be cool and relaxed for all I know. But the story has been on my mind all evening.

That could have been me.

The wife of a friend of my boyfriend passed away from breast cancer recently. Again, that could have been me. And so on, and so forth... that's how my thoughts have been. When I see or hear a story about someone's deep suffering from cancer I can't help but think -- that could have been me.

So... now I sit and ponder -- what now Nicole? I'm working on a list of things to accomplish and I'm going to put it on a timeline. Breaking down the goals to steps that I can take in a normal fashion, in a reasonable amount of time.

It could have been me will have to define another reality. I need to feel hopeful again.

I'm back to reading that silly "crazy sexy cancer" book. (laugh) It has proven to have a few good ideas in it but not an abundance. At least not for me. I've gotten about halfway through it -- and of course, being the writer that I am I've already wondered if I could write a better book. Maybe better isn't the right word but different somehow. She's still a bit too perky for my personal taste and a bit too "gung ho" about changing the world. However, I think that she may have been farther removed from her feelings than I am. I don't know. I'm not up for starting a movement or even joining one just yet. All of this is still very raw for me.

For example, I received a wonderful and sweet note from a good friend asking me to consider creating a team to walk in the Komen Race for the Cure in DC this June. I thought about it, asked my group if they were interested and then signed up for a team. I was a bit energetic and excited about the idea earlier in the day. But as the day went on, and I thought more about it, I wondered whether or not I was emotionally ready to be involved with the "machine" of fighting cancer.

This is still a very personal experience. I know I share a lot of my deep feelings here with everyone but honestly, it still feels very private too. Hard to explain the dichotomy but as public as I am being about my feelings, its also very tender in my heart. I think that raising funds for breast cancer research is a worthwhile endeavor. And I know that I will have to dig deep some days in order to get through this... but I think, in the end, it will be worth it.

I'm going to push through this feeling. But I'd be lying if I didn't say that its overwhelming and somewhat frightening at the same time. It really is. (sigh) But so what? I guess I'll get past this too.

----------

My radiation doctor gave me some sort of prescription cream to use on my radiated breast area but I can't figure out why. (laugh) The symptoms that it says it treats, I don't see. But I'm going to use it anyway. Along with these lotions I've purchased at her office's suggestion as well. The therapist told me that my breast looked "dry" the other day. I would have been offended but I wasn't quite sure what she meant by it. To me, dry means ashy. And I wasn't ashy. I guess I'm not using my lotions frequently enough. I don't know... but if I don't use all of the lotions/creams on my boobie, they are quite moisturizing so I'm sure I'll put it to good use.

I find myself soaking in epsom salts a couple of times a week. My body aches a lot. I walk rather slowly (which is another reason why I'm laughing at my ambition to walk a 5k in June and a 10-miler in October...) but I'm not going to worry about it too much. I'm just going to work my way up to it. Three miles isn't that far (at least it wasn't to me a year ago). Considering that I get winded walking up and down the stairs, I've got my work cut out for me.

I still run into that wall of expectation. That's where I expect to be able to do something and then my body reminds me that I'm not quite there yet. Its also where I expect people to be able to look at me and see "cancer girl"... and they don't. I suspect that I will run into both of these expectations for a long time. Sometimes cancer feels like the scarlet letter but I suppose that its really not. I should be happy that I no longer look sickly but in some ways I'm not. At least when I looked sickly, I didn't feel the need to explain myself. Now, I feel like I have to live up to the expectation that I'm a normal, healthy girl -- even though I don't feel like it. And I don't know what's worse -- that I don't feel like living up to other people's expectations or that I even think I have to.

Gap's Give and Get

If you are going to be spicing up your wardrobe for spring (its coming soon, I promise!) at the Gap, Banana Republic or Old Navy this weekend, why not take advantage of a discount - who doesn't love saving money? And the best part is, while you get 30% off your purchase, the Gap will donate 5% to a charity! A win, win situation if you ask me. Here's a link to the Give and Get site and here's a link to The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society coupon. Happy Shopping!

its 3am and i'm wide awake...

Today was supposed to be a good day. And for the most part, I guess it was. It was beautiful outside, I only had to go to radiation and then to get my eyebrows waxed. I was really looking forward to getting my brows done. It was a step toward getting back to normal. I know, just a little thing... but that's what I needed today. A little step forward.

I won't go into details but the trip wasn't great. I wanted to treat my mom just to say thanks (again) for putting up with the daily trips to the hospital and just all that. Suffice it to say... we walked out of the salon displeased with our brows. (shrug) It happens. But since I had hyped myself up about the experience, leaving disappointed just didn't help my spirits.

I got home and ended up talking to a dear friend who is going through some hard times -- which made me even more annoyed. I felt badly for what she was going through and I was so sad that she had to go through it. I felt like I had let her down because I had not been around much these past few months. I talked to a good friend from high school and was disappointed that I couldn't visit with him and his family because I had plans (I wanted to see the kids!).

But, after thinking about my day... I think that it was, in fact, a good day. Because, it was NORMAL. And I'm so desperate to feel normal again... I almost forgot that normal means sometimes you're happy, sometimes you're sad, sometimes you're salty and sometimes you're mad. I have been ALL of that in just one day. :)




I just went to one of my favorite breast cancer websites and got a dose of reality. I was reading through the forums and came across a conversation thread about reconstruction surgery. My reconstruction has been on my mind a lot these past few days since I know that I will be ending my radiation treatment in a few weeks. Once I was told that I was at the halfway mark, I started getting excited and thinking about returning to my life. Going back to work, getting in some travel here and there... planning for the future. And after I daydreamed for a few days, I remembered that I have more surgery in my future. I freaked out a little bit.

Just reading through some of the messages about what can be expected from the reconstruction surgery... made me remember why I was so excited at the notion of having both the mastectomy and the reconstruction at the same time. I'm worried about a lot of things... more time off from work, the possibilities of complications or problems with surgery, the follow up surgeries that I may need. I am now wondering if having a replacement breast is worth it.

I just don't know.

I do know that right now, not having a left breast doesn't feel wrong necessarily it just doesn't feel like me. I feel somewhat non-sexual without my breast. But I don't think its as much the loss of the breast as it is the constant exposure to medical personnel. Sharing your body with someone is special, almost sacred really. You don't do it often (usually) and you choose who you share it with. Unless you're sick... then you show it all the time to all sorts of people you don't know. I've spent the better part of the past 8 months showing my body to so many people that I've become numb. The constant exposure has stripped away some of my sacred mystery.

Today in radiation, I laid on the table and pulled the gown down over my nub, like I do every day. There are three technicians in the room usually... one person adjusting machines and two others writing on me and lining me up. (its weird) So, while the guy is drawing his lines and dashes around my nub/breast and one girl is scribbling on my side, I notice that she adjusts my gown to cover my right breast. And the thought passed my mind... why bother? Its like... I'm supposed to be sexual on my right side and non-sexual on my left (where my breast was). How does that work?

Either all of me is sexual or none of me is sexual. And the constant poking, picturing, writing, gawking at where my breast used to be has removed any of the "magic" I once felt about myself. I'm not explaining this well but it just is crazy to me. All of it. How do I get back to feeling sexy? How do I get back to feeling like this is "my" body and not a science experiment?

Getting my eyebrows done was supposed to be a first step on that journey. Buying a wig is supposed to be the next step. Still not sure about that one. I keep looking but nothing makes me happy and I hate how I look in the wigs that I've tried. Again... not quite Nicole. I want a new breast especially since I can't have the old one back. But I'm wondering if another surgery is worth the risk and will it give "me" back to myself?

A few months ago, I was thinking about the reconstruction and reading the stories of women who chose not to have reconstruction. And at the time, I could not understand how they felt or how they managed to be comfortable in their skin with one breast. Now, I'm so unsure.

Right now, I rarely wear the breastform for my left side. I just walk around (with my bad self, lol) with one big ol' boob on the right. Since I don't really go too many places, it doesn't matter to me if folks at the hospital realize that I only have one breast. They've seen worse. But today was the first time I had a moment of embarrassment because I didn't have the form on. And while that is a strange feeling, when I thought about it later on, it gave me a moment of hope because it meant that some of the old Nicole was still there. The vain part -- and I like that part a lot. :)

I'm going to happy hour tomorrow (well, today) and I'll be wearing my breastform. Its bad enough that I'm not wearing a wig to cover up my peach fuzz... and that I've got a big ol' bald spot in the middle of my right eyebrow... I won't drag everybody further down by looking lopsided in my clothes as well. (I am still quite vain...lol)

But that reconstruction is a major commitment and it looks like the recovery period won't be quite as easy as the recovery from my mastectomy. That free tummy tuck comes at a price. I just have to get prepared to pay it. The question for me is... can I do this too?

Alright... going to take my ambien now so I can sleep a little. And maybe some tylenol for this headache. Have a good one.

i've reached the halfway point in radiation treatment

Well, I'm almost done with my radiation therapy. I'm halfway through... and I don't like it any more today than I did on the first day. I have been (sort of) doing my arm exercises, so my range of motion is much better than it was the first day. Its still not what it used to be and definitely not as free-moving as my right arm. But, its coming along. I can raise my arm up over my head and I can reach over my head. but I really need to be more diligent about my exercises.

I decided not to do the physical therapy. It seemed like overkill. I hope that I don't regret that decision. I read so much information about what to expect after the mastectomy and most women seemed to be okay in short order. I figured that I could do what anybody else could do if I put my mind to it. Plus, I really wasn't looking forward to going to see another medical professional.


I'm still having flashes of momentary mental confusion about what I've been through. Like... I'll be walking toward the kitchen and I'll just start shaking my head in utter disbelief. I have cancer. Or had cancer. That's another thing... how do you come to grips with laying on a bed and having cancer and waking up later and you don't have cancer? I'm still struggling with the concept that after four months of chemotherapy and a mastectomy -- now, I DON'T have cancer.

I've been going through hell for 5-6 months and just like that... I don't have cancer. I guess its not just like that when I think about it but it feels just odd. I've been sporting my f*@k cancer t-shirt around the house lately. I almost feel bold enough to wear it in public. I'm still just that angry.

I don't know when that anger will ease up but I imagine that it will soon enough. Tonight is a rough night emotionally. I'm pissed off today -- been pissed all week to tell the truth. I hate feeling this way but I just think that cancer is so "not fair". Not fair to me, not fair to anyone who gets it or the people who love them. Its not fair. The price is so high. But I guess the payoff is something good. A changed perspective about life. Or, if life ends... and end to pain and misery. It still seems like a really high price to pay. We all have our crosses to bear, right?

I'm just glad I'm not as mad and sad as I was months ago. I've definitely come a long way in my outlook. I just feel like I have a ways to go to get back to being just cheery again.


My hot flashes are still coming on strong everyday. A few during the day... most at night. The night sweats are still around too. Making me miserable. My "fabulous boobie" (that's the one that had to be sacrificed for my life)... looks awful. Not in a sickly way but in a generally not pleasing to the eye sort of way. The breast is really dark and the skin is thickening. I don't know if its scar tissue (as my radiation doctor says) or if its the affects of the radiation -- probably both. I have these low-grade pains all the time. But... that's to be expected as well.

I have been feeling rather weak this past week -- sort of like I'm coming down with a cold or the flu or something. Learned yesterday that the fatigue is a cumulative side effect of the radiation. But since I'm only halfway through the treatment, I'm guessing that I'm going to have to push back my estimated return to work date. Sista is really tired right now. And I'm not quite ready for that full work day. If I had to go to work today, I'd need a nap by lunch.

My mother has been laughing at me this week because I'm walking with a little hitch in my stride. (haha) But I'm achy all the way into my bones (which PISSES me off). I thought I was done with this part of the ride. lol... My fingers (joints/knuckles) really ache late at night. I'm popping tylenol about twice a day now to help with the pain.

Sigh... but what am I gonna do? I have to go through it to get to the other side. I'm just looking forward to the future, ya know?

Some of my tulips are fading away... leaning waaaaay over to the side. :) And I feel like them a little bit. But a good number of them are still standing strong and giving me beauty to look at. And I feel just a little bit like them too.

My hair is really starting to show up... got a couple of bald spots but its coming in. So is the hair on the other parts of my body. I'm not quite ready to shave my legs yet but soon... I won't be able to fake it much longer. But that's a good thing. A return to a little bit of normal.

The radiation therapist told me that I have to use aquaphor or udderly smooth lotion on my fabulous boobie. But I'm wondering why I can't use shea or cocoa butter. (shrug) I don't know but I'm not questioning it. I'll use those later after they tell me that I'm all clear for take off.

Since the chemotherapy, I am very sensitive about what I use on my skin. My skin looks kind of dry and flaky. I'm not used to that. But I will nurse this skin back to smooth, even toned health very soon. Just need to get through this part of the journey. Hmm... what else? Oh... I GAINED weight this week. Can you believe that? After 6 months of losing weight, this week I gained 2 pounds. My mom and I think that either I'm constipated or retaining water (hahaha) because I don't eat that much. But I was rather greedy for a few days over the weekend last week, so maybe the tide is turning.

I'm still 30 pounds down overall so I am not going to sweat 2 pounds. I can't even focus on those two pounds if I wanted to because my focus is on getting through these next few weeks. And then getting through the next 8 months of herceptin treatments. And somewhere along the way -- the reconstruction of my new fabulous boobie.

(shaking my head)

I still find all of this overwhelming and difficult to fully absorb. And I hate that I feel like I'm not "getting it"... but I really don't understand how or why. I wonder if I will always question this period in my life. At any rate... that's how I'm feeling today.

Its March... I started on this journey in July and I won't be done with my active treatment until November (when I finish my herceptin). Then I have 5 years of something else (can't recall the name, starts with a T). It just goes on and on...

One of my "friends" at radiation treatment said to me the first or second week -- that cancer is now considered a "chronic" illness. That was supposed to make me happy. She was trying to lift my spirits because I looked rather sad that day. I worked hard to eek out a smile for her.

This lovely lady is probably 20 years older than I am -- so our perspectives are a little different. She thinks that dealing with a chronic illness is ok. I think that it is difficult to wrap my head around being healthy one day and chronically ill the next. Chronic means that forever and ever this will be part of my life. I'm just having a difficult time accepting that.

Sickness is supposed to go away -- eventually. You get over a cold or the flu. You get over a broken arm or leg. I'm supposed to get over this. But, even when they tell me that I'm cancer-free -- its still a burden that I will have to carry for the rest of my life. How do I make peace with that?

That's where my head is tonight... trying to make peace out of this. I am now going to go have some cake and ice cream. I am still awake and I don't feel like taking a sleeping pill tonight.

Thanks for listening (again)
~Nic

Spirit of Service is Hiding Something

OK, so your time has freed up a bit because things are slow at work and your getting a little nervous that your job might not be there tomorrow.

Experts say the leading cause of depression and anxiety during this recession is lack of meaning. People who's schedules were jam packed now have free time and are contemplating (while procrastinating and worrying) how they should spend it. We have an answer that is both meaningful and productive...

Volunteer, serve on boards, network, make friends, get off the couch, go out for a drink after work, try a new restaurant.... you see where I'm going with this.

Come tonight to Spirit of Service from 6-9pm at M.J. O'Connor's by the Park Plaza Hotel.

Mingle with others like yourself looking to volunteer, eat, drink, and visit the tables of over 30 nonprofit organizations. Stop in or stay the whole 3 hours; bring your resume or leave it at home; wear your dancing shoes, a suit, your workout clothes --- just come!

All of the organization you see in the picture above (along with some others that will be floating around) will have volunteering opportunities in the Boston area. Some will also be looking for people to serve on their board. I'm sure at least one of these organizations will inspire you.

feeling like spring...

We got walloped with snow Sunday night/Monday morning. It was so pretty coming down and looked amazing blanketing everything in white and silence. But even though winter is still showing its face... I'm feeling like spring over here.

Spring is my FAVORITE season of the year. Partially because I was born in the spring, but also because I just love seeing everything come alive after the hibernation period of winter.

I feel like I've been hibernating all winter myself. And now... I'm feeling like springtime over here. Like... in just a few more days or weeks... I'll be all brand new and shiny again.

My hair has started to sprout and my nails are trying to do their thing too. My energy is a little higher and I generally just feel pretty good.

I have noticed a few differences lately -- like I've been eating like a pig these past couple of days and I'm a little crabby -- but I'm wondering if its my pms making a return (which contrary to how it sounds would be good news actually). We'll see in awhile if that's what's going on.


Well... let me warn ya now... my birthday is coming up. And its a BIGGIE. So... by the time April rolls around you can expect me to be really rather obnoxious about it. If birthday celebrations aren't your thing, I'm going to give you time to turn away now. :)

The birthdate is May 1st.

That's about all for now... I don't feel like complaining about all the aches and pains. I've got some really pretty tulips to look at... spring is on its way!!

Yippee!

~Nic

I want to spend money

I'm extraordinarily lucky for numerous reasons. I'm safe, happy, and healthy for starters. And to put the icing on the cake, I'm employed doing a job that I actually enjoy.

Every morning on my way to work at this job that I enjoy, I listen to news stories about the economic woes. People are unemployed, and even if they have jobs, they aren't spending money. What can I do to help? Well spend money, clearly. I'm not exactly rolling in dough, and I was raised by very frugal parents. But my boyfriend and I do go out to eat once or twice a week, we're going on a 12 day vacation, we're doing our part.

But I decided I wanted more. It was time for me to make a big purchase - my very first TV. After all, I'd be helping the economy, and prices are pretty danged good right now...

I'm not a martyr with no screens in the house. I'm currently using the TV my boyfriend bought with his snow shoveling money when he was 12 years old. It's 19 inches - not too shabby! - but it is 15 years old. Prior to that, I was using my grandmother's old 17 inch TV, even after it was flooded in 8 inches of water (the sound is a little fuzzy now). My DVD player is one of the first ones that ever came out, and came free courtesy of my dad's previous job. I also have a 3 year old laptop (with a line down its display), my work laptop, an iPhone, and a Wii from Craig's List.

But man oh man, I wanted a flat screen LCD TV, at least 32 inches, 1080p, and a decent contrast ratio.

But I couldn't find one anywhere, at least in my price range. It's been a month. Target hasn't gotten a shipment of TVs since before the Superbowl. BestBuy only has humongo TVs in stock way out of my price range Kmart didn't have any nice ones. Circuit City's going out of business "bargains" were nothing of the sort. Walmart (yes I even tried there) was way out of stock.

I wanted to spend ~$800, and can't find anyone to sell me a decent flat screen TV that hasn't gotten terrible reviews! There's three possibilities:

1. People are continuing to spend money they don't have, this time on TVs.
2. The economy's not actually that bad, at least in the Boston area.
3. The economy's so bad that TV manufacturers stopped making and shipping TVs, and/or retailers have stopped ordering stock for their shelves.

I tend to think it's #3, but likely it's a combination of all three factors.

For now, I'm just sitting on the $800 bucks. I'd rather have the TV, esp. since my ING DIRECT savings account is just getting 1.35% interest right now. I could go online to get it... but I tend to think I'll put in the order and it won't be fulfilled!

Perhaps instead of sitting on the $800, I should invest it in one of these TV companies. What do you think?

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This communication is for general informational purposes only and is not intended to constitute investing advice or a recommended course of action.