Thanksgiving Eve 2011...

OMG... I feel awful. I feel sick. I am weak and a little wobbly. And more than anything... I am only slightly upset about it. Its Thanksgiving. Well, the night before Thanksgiving and I am reflecting as I reposition my heating pad on my back, and try to pretend that the smell of Ben Gay isn't giving me a headache. I feel bad because my menstrual cycle showed up yesterday. And... I'm more than annoyed that it came back less than a month after it left.

What is this? Two months in a row? Again with this madness? *deep sigh*  I know some of y'all are pretty young and haven't hit a stage in your life where you no longer have a cycle but while I cried and was upset when I had my ovaries put to sleep three years ago when I started chemotherapy... *looking around sheepishly*  I LOVED not having a cycle for two years.  Freaking loved it.

Man!! You don't realize how much of a pain in the behind all of this cramping and back ache and bloating and PMS is... until you don't have it. *sigh* Oh well... I still love being a girl.

This post was supposed to be about what I am thankful for this year... and I suppose that as nutty and crazy as it seems, especially since I feel so freaking awful, I am thankful for my menses. Because it is normal for a woman my age to have them. Normal. That's what I am now. I am normal. Post breast cancer, regular ol' broke chick normal. I go on bad dates. I eat great food. I laugh a lot. I have a crush on a cute boy. I send texts. I write in my journal -- well, not exactly my journal, but I write down my thoughts. I look for a job, like everybody else in the unemployed world. I drink when I'm out with my friends -- or when I'm just feeling like a little something at home. I watch the Food Network. I am normal.

Isn't that just a blessing? Three years ago, I was fighting to be brave. I was "Weeping Wanda" who cried pretty much all day long. Now, I laugh more than I cry. I tell myself corny knock-knock jokes and fall out laughing as though Bernie Mac was giving me a personal comedy show. I worry about wearing the right shoes, or the right dress... which earrings to wear... all of that silly stuff that just fills up your day. I do that now. I don't have to go to the hospital every few days. I could go on and on.. Granted, normal is different now but it is mundane, just like every one else's life.

I think that finding normal has made me the happiest that I've been in three years. And for that... I am thankful and grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I am grateful and thankful for your presence and your support. You rock!!

~Nicole

My auntie who is also my sister, will be okay

This past weekend was Thanksgiving and I had a wonderful time visiting with my family members who came up for the holiday. One of the guests was my auntie who is also a breast cancer survivor. She was diagnosed with breast cancer 5 years ago, and just as she passed her 5 year mark... she was diagnosed with a recurrence in her other breast.

Her cancer was not advanced as mine -- either occurrence -- and she has not had a mastectomy like I have. But we are now sisters (pink ribbon sisters) as well as auntie and niece. Breast cancer has joined us together in a way that nothing else ever could. We talked about different parts of our journey after dinner on Thursday as we sat around the table (just the girls) talking while the guys watched football. At one point, my mom commented that she hoped to never go through what we've been through. And we both replied... we hope that you don't have to either.

Its not that you can't get through breast cancer... you can. Millions of us do every day. But you lose a bit (ok, a lot) along the way and you're not the same at the end. Which I suppose is the point... but its still unsettling. And the real truth is that not everyone makes it. That's where the fear lies.

It was the first time I've seen her since I heard about her recurrence and it was a relief to see her smile and laugh and be happy. Even as she prepares to start her radiation therapy in the next few days. She was in great spirits and told me that her recurrence was found so early that she won't have to undergo chemotherapy this time. Just radiation treatment.

I was happy to see her, happy to hear her prognosis and just happy all around to spend time with her. But this morning, as I hugged her goodbye... I felt a small twinge in my heart. It never gets easier... It may disappear for awhile -- where you don't think about it every moment of every day -- but whenever I learn that someone has been diagnosed with breast cancer, I shed a tear. Every time.

My auntie will be fine. I am quite confident of that. But, just as I was afraid before I started my treatment, I am concerned for her. Radiation is tough. It tires your body immensely, the burns on your skin are more than unpleasant and its tedious. Every day, for weeks on end... its like a job. And its not a job that you can quit because you don't like it -- well, you could but how risky is that? How smart is that?

Talking to my auntie reminded me of all that I went through over the past two years. Just as I thought I had turned a corner and wasn't emotional about this journey any longer... the reality of all that happened hit me this afternoon like a ton of bricks on my head. The fear, the anger, the confusion... all of it... came rushing back like a strong wind. My prayer for her is that the journey will be easy for her this time, and that they get all of the cancer that is there. My prayer for myself is that I remember that God brought me this far... and I'm going to be okay. My prayer for all of my pink ribbon sisters and brothers (and their families and friends) is that we find a cure for this disease... and soon.

Thanksgiving 2010 -- Finally, grateful for the journey...

Two years ago, I spent Thanksgiving with my parents (just the three of us). Thanksgiving was two months into my four month long chemotherapy treatment. I was too tired, too weak and immune-system compromised to be around my extended family. It was a tough time, but my spirits were relatively high. (Thanksgiving 2008)

So much has changed in two years. I am no longer bald -- well, not chemo bald. I am sporting an uber-short cut but its purely by choice and I'm loving it. I am no longer the constantly weepy, taste-challenged woman who could not accept that breast cancer had showed up in my body. I am in remission, on tamoxifen and looking forward to shifting gears again in my life in order to pursue joy and happiness in a million ways.

Here's the thing though... I have finally reached the point (I believe) where I am truly grateful for this journey with breast cancer. The past two years have shown me my vulnerabilities in a way that I really never thought about. And taught me that I am so much stronger than I ever, EVER imagined. I know that I won't live forever, that my health (like everyone else's) is fragile. I know that life can and will change in a moment... and the only thing you can do is roll with the punches and keep fighting. I know that the only failure is giving up. And even if you lose, as long as you keep swinging you're always a winner.

I am grateful. Immensely, deeply and forever grateful. God gave me a burden that I simply never thought I would be able to handle -- if it happened to a loved one. The thought of it happening to me was merely unthinkable. And yet, two years later... I stand here proud of myself... because I made it. I survived. I am happy. I am blessed. I am fortunate. I am alive.

So, this Thanksgiving I thank God for showing me what He knew that I was made of... and for blessing me to get through it, be changed by it but not defeated.

Happy Thanksgiving!