My things have been returned...

A few weeks ago I wrote about my frustration and disappointment that my purse and my shoes were "lost" in the back of a cab. You can read the story here:    http://greenhillgoldman.blogspot.com/2011/10/on-faith-blood-and-being-completely.html

Well, this is a praise report. I have had all of my things returned. Every single thing. My purse was returned in its entirety and my shoes. While I still do not know why the cab driver chose to leave me stranded on a cold, rainy night I am truly grateful that my prayers were answered and he turned in my things. My faith in people has been restored.

While I was at the Taxicab Commission's office to pick up my items, I had a brief conversation with the lady who held my items for me. She offered a theory as to why the cab driver left me. She told me that some of the drivers are afraid of patrons who need to stop at an ATM or who are going a long distance. She told me that many of the drivers believe that if a patron needs to stop, they will run and not pay. Or they may be setting them up to be robbed. Though she did not mention race in her explanation but I still feel that race played a part in this situation.

I've had my things for over a week now and it took me some time to gather my thoughts about this situation and come to a place of peace and not anger. I suppose I should not presume that just because I was well dressed and coming from a place as fancy as the Kennedy center, that someone could not look at me and see a criminal. I sort of understand that. But I find it hard to imagine that if I were a different race heading across the bridge into Northern Virginia and had made the same request to go to an ATM to get cash so that I could pay the driver... I really doubt that I would have been left on that cold corner. But since I am not a different race and I don't live in Northern Virginia, I can only accept that for whatever reason... that cab driver did not want to take a chance on me. I suppose that he didn't realize that as a single woman traveling alone at night... I too was taking a chance on him.

Look, I know that we live in a world where people will try to take advantage of you. I know that probably better than many people do. I struggled with whether to deal with this gentleman directly. While at the office, the lady gave me a copy of the form that the driver completed when he turned in my things. The form had his real name and his full home address. She gave it to me when I mentioned that I asked him to stop so that I would have enough money to pay him and when she realized that he wasn't paid she offered me his address so that (if I chose to) I could send him money to pay him.

*slow blink*  

I smiled sweetly, folded the paper and put it in my purse. My immediate thoughts were far from sending him a thank you note and some cash to cover the few blocks that he drove me before leaving me stranded and helpless late at night on a DC street corner. But after thinking about it for some time, and praying about it daily... I have decided that what I can do is to call it even.

I thank him for returning my things. He did not have to do that. But that is as far as I can go. I am a work in progress, I will admit that. Perhaps I should send him a few dollars and a note to say thank you for the effort of returning my things. I'm still not there yet. When I recall how I felt that night, and how sick and anxious I was that following week... and how I had to change my travel plans because my identification was now missing... there is still anger there. I'm just not completely there yet.

If more punishment is due him or to me, karma will have to take care of that. At this point, I simply wish him peace and blessings and some understanding that not every person is a criminal trying to take advantage of him.

Returned:  One vintage purse given to me by my mother.
Returned: All contents of said purse, including makeup, cellphone charger and ear buds.
Returned: One fabulous pair of Betsey Johnson shoes.
Restored: My faith that people do have some compassion for other people.

I am blessed. And I am thrilled that I have my things back. God remains a wonder to me.

Therapy is a beautiful tool

Well... after my post yesterday I still had a full on anxiety/panic attack anyway. For about an hour, I was heaving and writhing on the floor... crying, shaking and twitching. Looking and feeling a mess. Wondering where the "off" switch was on my life. It was a lot going on. It was scary and difficult to control. It was hard to convince myself that I wasn't going to die in that moment and that no matter what I was dealing with or going through, that I was going to be okay.

Have you ever had a really ugly cry? I mean, snot everywhere, tears that just jump off your face... its like that but ranked up like 10x. I am emotional, and I cry easily so tears don't scare me much. But when my mind continues to unravel and I feel like there is no bottom, no way out of the madness... and my body reacts harshly to those those thoughts... that's when I become afraid. That's when I'm in full on panic mode.

After I was under control a bit, I called my therapist and asked to be squeezed in to her calendar. I knew that if I didn't see her as soon as possible, the likelihood of another panic attack was high. And there was no telling where it may happen -- the subway, the office, on the street, who knew? I then got dressed and left to go to my dr. appointment that I already had scheduled for the day. I'll discuss that in a separate post.

I like my therapist. I really do. And its because I truly value her service to my life. I know that a lot of people don't believe in therapy, or think that it isn't a necessity to their life but I know that I've been helped by my therapist so I always encourage others to give it a try when their life warrants it. I haven't seen my therapist since before I started my chemotherapy in 2008. We sat down and caught up and then tried to figure out what was bothering me... so much that I was having nightmares and panic attacks. She found it really amazing that I had not had a panic attack at all during my treatment period. For all that I have been through, a moment where the world crashes around your head doesn't seem too far fetched. But honestly, I never imagined that I would have another panic attack in my life.

After discussing all the details of the past two years, my fears and my concerns... we stumbled on what was giving me grief. Turns out, it wasn't me that I was panicking over. It was my dad. This Friday marks the second anniversary of the day he almost died from a brain aneurysm. I had not realized just how scared I was by the idea of his death. And those emotions were lost in the shuffle of my own stuff because of breast cancer.

The interesting thing about therapy for me is that its like having a good conversation with an old friend. It never feels like what I see on television -- some strange person grilling me about my life, my childhood, etc. It always feels like a talk with someone who knows me really well and wants to help me see what I'm missing. Generally speaking, I am in tune with myself emotionally. That doesn't mean that I always understand what I'm doing or what I'm feeling but I do acknowledge those feelings and allow them to come. As long as I do that, I will stay balanced and okay.

I have a lot of things on my mind -- like everyone else -- and I have to make some decisions and changes soon. But at least now I know that the likelihood of me having another panic attack is low. That is a good thing.

Anxiety/panic attacks and breast cancer

There is a train of thought among breast cancer survivors that stress could be a principle reason why someone gets breast cancer. I don't believe that there are any studies that can connect stress directly to breast cancer -- but that doesn't stop the conversation from going on among survivors. We all know that stress can cause havoc in our lives and that it is detrimental to our health. But, the nature of the world that we live in leavese many of us  feeling like you simply have to deal with it. Stress is a part of life -- for all of us.

Similar to stress is anxiety. The worry about something that may happen in the future or that has happened in the past. However, anxiety is usually based upon our imagined fears moreso than something that has actually happened. It is the eternal... "what if" question(s) that pushes us into a bad mental and physical space.

I mentioned recently that I was sick all last week. And after having a low-key but fun weekend, I thought I was ready to return to work and get back into the swing of things. But... instead, this morning as I was preparing for work... I started falling down the rabbit hole directly into an anxiety attack. I haven't had one of these in years. Until just now. (which is why I'm writing at the moment... writing calms me and brings me peace and I needed to bring myself down... before I got too far out of control)

During an anxiety attack, or a panic attack, the person literally feels as though some impending danger is rising against them -- possibly to the point of death. The escalating tension can push you so far that you start to hyper-ventilate, shake, cry... and so forth. Your body will react to the anxiety if you don't find a way to calm yourself down.

It is embarrassing to write these words. Knowing that thousands of people will read about one of my deepest shames doesn't make me happy this morning. However, in order to deal with anxiety, you have to know how to recognize when you've been triggered and you have to be able to find a way to calm yourself. Otherwise, you can end up in a really bad space. Considering how fragile I am in general, I would guess that my anxiety could easily land me back in the hospital. I'm in no hurry to sit in the emergency room, or have an ambulance come and take me away this morning. So I'm writing. I'm purging. I'm telling you what I'm going through... so hopefully I will push past this and be able to get back to a good place.

Over the weekend, I had an outrageous nightmare. It woke me out of my sleep -- which was really surprising because I was very comfortable not thinking about much when I went to bed. My nightmare was ridiculous but it scared me deeply. Caused me to get out of bed, move to another room and pull out a book to read. I couldn't close my eyes again. That nightmare stuck with me and I realized last night that my fear of it recurring kept me from falling asleep.

Those are classic signs of a problem. I haven't talked to my therapist yet. I actually haven't seen her since shortly after my diagnosis in 2008. Without talking to her (or anyone) I'm going to guess that I am probably dealing with issues of post-traumatic stress and anxiety. Writing will help me in moments like this -- when I need to do something quickly to move me from that scary place to a calm space. But it won't fully fix the problem. So, I'm going to have to do something and fast.

My breathing rate has calmed down, and my heart has stopped racing. So I will resume getting ready. I hope that none of you will think that I'm losing it because I shared this. But if I have to bear the strange looks and hushed giggles of people who think I'm losing it after all that I've been through, rather than continue to have moments of anxiety that feel so real that I think my life may be ending... I'll take the ridicule.

And give myself a chance to push beyond this next step of healing.

~Nic

PS. Have I said lately how much I truly HATE cancer? Well, I do. (sigh)

Just when you start to feel strong... you slide backwards

In talking about myself so much through this blog, I've discovered that my ability to overlook and downplay what I'm really feeling and going through is pretty high. I am amazed at just how frequently I talk myself out of believing what I'm experiencing and feeling.

Example: I fell down maybe a month ago. Never went to the doctor, didn't think it was a big hit to my body. Decided to rest and take it easy and just let my body heal itself. Today, I find myself wondering why its taking me so long to get my "umph" back since the surgery. Now, I've talked myself out of going to the doctor, out of believing that the bruises were the indicators of anything serious, and simply have blamed myself for being clumsy and being a brat for even considering worrying about this. Of all things that I can worry about, this is pretty low. (That's what I have been telling myself) And yes, my friends have been encouraging me to go and get it checked out but I have not been able to do that yet.

How silly is that? I have more doctors than the average person should ever know and yet I am hesitating going to the doctor to be checked out?

Sigh. I bother myself with these silly shenanigans. I tell you, I can't believe how much of a baby I've been about all of this. Why Nicole? What are you worried about really?

And then I spent a little time on the breastcancer.org message boards and remembered -- by reading other women's messages about their experiences with breast cancer treatment -- that I've been through a lot. And no matter how much I try to believe, accept or convince myself that its behind me, that I'm back to normal... I've been through a lot. And the real truth that I've been unwilling to face is that I'm still scared.

Life is difficult and unpredictable. Having breast cancer only highlights that unpredictability. I believe that I'm dealing with an anxiety issue. Now that I know what it is, I can deal with it. But first, I have to actually walk out the door and back into my life.

Making decisions in your breast cancer treatment when you’re terrified

I am TERRIFIED. Absolutely, positively…crazy-girl-on-the-horror-flick SCARED. And I’m scared of making the wrong decision. I have been weighing, contemplating, analyzing, crying, praying and meditating about what I should do next in my treatment plan for breast cancer.

I am holding on to the mantra that my general surgeon gave me last week: “You are the boss.” Doesn’t always feel like I’m the boss, like I’m in charge – but ultimately I am. And if you’re struggling with cancer – or any other huge life-changing issue – you are as well.

It is tough being in charge. You have to trust your instincts and get as much knowledge as you can, as quickly as possible. You have to be resilient and persistent and you have to just have FAITH.

I am resilient and persistent and I do have faith but I also have a lot of fear. Here are the steps I’m taking to move beyond the fear and into the solace of making the right decisions for me.

Steps that move me forward:

• Pray and meditate – this one is obvious and cannot go without saying. I pray everyday. Feels like all day long – I am constantly “shouting out” to Jesus to help me, to strengthen me… to hold me. When I start to feel like the anxiety is choking me that the fear is taking over – I ask others to pray for me. That usually helps a lot.

• Review the situation – this is also basic and easy but I’ve found that when I stop for a moment and really ask myself “what are you making a decision about?”…I usually find that the decision that needs to be made is not the same thing that I’m worried about.

• Remind myself that I can only do what I can do and no more – this one is harder because I feel compelled to do all that I can do, all that I need to, and all that I feel that others expect me to do. That’s a lot of stuff to do – and many days I fail miserably because I’m more focused on what I think other people expect me to do, than what I can do.

• Research the options – sometimes I procrastinate on making a decision by doing extra research. Google is my friend. And very often the more that I research a situation and the options, the better I feel about my instincts about the situation. The more I learn, the more I know.

• Set a deadline to make a decision – sometimes the deadline is inherent in the decision itself. Other times, I have to set an arbitrary deadline just so that I’m not spinning and spinning and spinning. (this is where I am right now)

• Pray and release my decision to the universe – at the end of the day, the person affected by my decision is Nicole. There will always be another way that something could have been done but when I accept that I make the best decisions I know how to make with the information that I have at my disposal…it is okay.

• Walk away – after the decision is made walk away from the thoughts of it. Walk into the steps you need to take to get it done. In the end, all things will work out in your favor. That’s just the way that it goes.



Just writing all of this down has helped me tremendously. I have been struggling and struggling and I’m absolutely worn out. My world around me is chaotic which only tells me that I’ve really been struggling for sometime now. The truth is no one can promise me anything on this journey. None of my doctors can tell me with 100% certainty that any procedure I opt to have – or not have – will be the thing that saves my life, extends my life or makes my life better. In every step I take, there is a possibility of failure, of death or something in-between. Getting to a point where that possibility still feels like the very best thing I can do for myself is a very long journey.

But I am surely getting there. Starting today…I am making decisions that are best for me. Because I am the boss.