God answers prayers and questions...

I was sitting around feeling sorry for myself a few months ago. I was honestly wondering whether I could go on.  It was one of those periods where I felt really low, really along and I wondered where I took a wrong path and ended up on the wrong path. While I was preparing for a new blog post, I start wandering around "Blogger" and looking at other people's blogs. I guess I was hoping for a little inspiration. Interestingly enough... I only read two blogs and it was just enough to shake me up and wake me up.

You never know how your life gives someone else's life meaning. Even if its someone you don't even know. When I was preparing to do my taxes a few weeks ago, I whispered a wish to God that I would be so blessed one day that I could put down as my occupation... "philanthropist". I don't live the life that I dreamed about as a kid. I live a very good life, to be sure but this isn't the life that I dreamed of when I was a little girl. But I've always felt that being a philanthropist has to be a life that is just joyous beyond measure. To be blessed enough to give is to be mighty blessed indeed.

I whispered my wish and then promptly forgot about it. A few weeks later a friend came to me with the idea of starting a non-profit. Now, it wasn't the first time that someone had come to me with the idea or the request but it was the first time that it felt right to say yes. My friend and I promptly started educating ourselves about how to start a non-profit. We talked to friends, we have read books, done research on the internet... and while the task is daunting, I am totally plugged in. For once in a very long time... I feel purposeful when I wake up every day.

We have a long way to go but I am so very excited. I only hope that my philanthropic efforts will be well received in the world. It is a blessing to be a blessing.

Why I keep on blogging

Lately, I've been wondering a few things about this blog. Where is it going? Will it always be a hobby? Should I consider really making and effort to find ways to earn income from this? Is anybody truly paying attention? And if so, who are they? Am I meeting their needs? Am I meeting my own? Do I still have a relevant voice now that I'm not in active treatment? And finally... if I stopped doing it, then what?

I don't have answers to all those questions. But I have been really thinking about why I continue to blog about breast cancer. I'm done with chemotherapy. I hope to never EVER have to have radiation therapy again. I've lost and regained my breast. And they tell me that there isn't any more cancer in my body. So... why do I keep blogging about breast cancer? Is it healthy for me to keep talking about it? And (very important to me) is this blog keeping me from connecting with cute and available men because they don't want to deal with the "cancer girl"?

why I continue to blog about breast cancer

Because this will always be a part of my life. I can try to stuff it away in the back corners of my mind and pretend it didn't happen. I can acknowledge it once a year for a race for a cure or something. But neither of those options are good for Nicole emotionally. I'm a different kind of girl. I have to express myself or things get all bottled up inside and I start to go a little haywire. Its not a good look, trust me.

I imagine as time goes on and I become farther and farther removed from this time, it may not loom as largely in my heart. But even then, I think I will still blog about and talk about my experience with breast cancer. Awhile back I blogged (/home-from-gala-and-i-miss-cleavage-) that I went to a cancer gala and one of the honorees (a breast cancer patient) said that she had been blessed to have cancer and that she had gained so much from having cancer. At the time, I thought it was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard anyone say. I have heard similar remarks from other breast cancer survivors and patients since then... and each time I thought that I must be crazy because I can't see cancer as any sort of a blessing.

But thinking about this blog, planning my future with it, realizing how many doors have opened for me and how many more will open for me... because of these words and this experience has led me to believe that in a very twisted way... breast cancer has been a blessing in my life too. Don't misunderstand me, this has been a horrible experience in so many ways. But there have been a lot of shining moments that would not have happened if Fred and Ted and Jim hadn't shown up on film. http://greenhillgoldman.blogspot.com/2008/08/so-theres-more-to-catch-up-on.html