The awkward hair conversation

Let me start with... I have to shout out one of my favorite breast cancer bloggers for the idea for this post. Chemo Babe had a very poignant comment on her facebook page yesterday and it made me think (as her posts very often do). As several of us survivors chimed in on the topic she posted, several mentioned awkward comments they have received about their hair. So of course, being a black woman, I laughed. And being a black woman who has sported uber-short hair for many, many years... I heartily laughed because I remembered so many really awkward conversations about my hair texture and my hair cut since my hair has grown back after chemo.

As you can see in this picture (at least I hope you can see this picture)... my hair after a fresh haircut is very, very short. I'd love to be able to tell you that I do this out of solidarity for my fellow cancer survivors. But honestly, I've worn my hair this short for over 10 years (over 14 years actually). I like the cut on me. I like the way my face looks with just a bit of hair around it.

But you and I both know (or we should know) that hair is a really big deal in the black community. We will put chemicals in it to color it, to change the texture, to loosen our natural kink into a flowing curl... We will buy hair (human or fake) to braid into our hair, to wear loose like a weave... We will spend hundreds, even thousands of dollars for hair installations (that's a very fancy name for hair weaves, I think) for wigs, for braids. We will tolerate unspeakable pain, and lose hours of our lives every week... in order to maintain our impeccably styled hair.

Black women and their hair is a very serious matter. Just ask Chris Rock. Now, that said... imagine the conversations I've had with well-intentioned strangers about "what do you have in your hair to make it curl that way, or lay flat that way?"

Sigh. (There's nothing special in my hair)

So you wonder... Do I feel like telling this strange person that my hair is this way because this is what I received in the chemo hair lottery when it grew back? Or do I say..."just shea butter, or clear gel or some other very true and innocuous response that doesn't really answer what I know they are asking?" Is this a teaching moment? Or am I tired and just want to be left alone?

Which way do I go?

Hair is a big deal in the black community. And the texture of your hair really matters to some people. And if you have short hair like mine, people often assume that you're militant, rebelling against the status quo, a member of the "natural hair" tribe... or something else. When the truth is that I was hair-lazy before cancer and though I promised myself that I would let it grow and grow after it came back after chemo I couldn't keep that promise to myself. I don't like the way that I look with long hair or even longer-yet-still-short hair. I just really like my pseudo-bald head. And if it helps me to connect with other cancer survivors, that is a great added benefit.

So, the awkward conversations about my fancy new hair will continue I'm sure. I will respond on a case by case basis, depending on my mood and how crazy the person inquiring about my hair appears to be. At this stage, I am protective about what I put on my hair and I don't plan to ever put another chemical in my hair. I am not natural because I am rejecting chemically processed hair by anyone. I am natural because in this state I feel that I am doing the best that I can do for my health. And that is the only thing that matters.

Being healthy... and being cute. :)

Hair chronicles: oh, my thin, thin hair

When people find out that they have cancer, usually one of the first thoughts they have (after wondering whether they are going to die from the disease) is... "will I lose my hair?"  I was no different. I wondered about hair loss and wondered whether or not I would feel differently about myself if I were bald. What makes all of that interesting is that I have worn my hair pretty short for quite some time now. I thought that losing my hair would not bother me. But it did.



(Nicole, December 2008)

This picture is of me after 4 months of chemotherapy. I am bald as a cue ball. (laughs) I called myself Uncle Fester because, well, that's who I thought I looked like the most during that time. My oncologist assured me that my hair would grow back and would probably return curly and nice. (I'm guessing that was supposed to be curly as opposed to its regular kinky state before chemo)

He was right. My hair did grow back curly. It grew back slowly but it did make a return. For awhile, I stuck with a promise that I made myself that I would not cut my hair if it came back after chemo took it away. And I didn't cut my hair for a long time, close to a year I think. And in that time, my hair grew about 2-3 inches.



(Nicole at a Blogalicious event, Feb 2010)

 Yup. That's it. I struggled and tried to work with the weird curliness that my hair presented post chemo. It was nice, I will admit that. I liked seeing the curls. However, I did not know how to do it. I haven't used a curling iron or a blow dryer in maybe 12 years. So, I had no idea what to do. I was afraid of doing too much to it, afraid that it would break off and I'd be back to bald again. I tried different types of products for naturally curly hair -- preferring to use products designed for african-american hair that wasn't chemically processed. For awhile, it was okay. And then one day I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that I simply did not recognize the girl that I saw.

My fear of not appreciating my new hair had left me wearing my hair in a style that didn't suit me nor make me feel sexy. So, I went to the barbershop and cut it all off. (shrug) My new (old) haircut felt right, and sexy. My swag jumped up to 100 and I was ready for the world.

Imagine my surprise recently when I realized that my hair was thinning. I had my hair cut recently and had it cut a lot lower than I normally wear it. At this length, I could easily see the patterns of my hair growth. I'm balding in a few spots. Right now, its noticeable but not horribly so. I don't think I'm scaring small children or anything yet but I'm not sure how I will handle this going forward. I don't have a problem wearing my hair short. It looks nice to me this way and ultimately, I just want to see myself when I look in a mirror and be able to smile at my reflection.


(Nic riding the subway, October 2010)



I like to look at myself and see a pretty face. And I don't like being distracted by strange hair issues and whatnot. But if my thinning hair doesn't reverse itself soon... I'm going to have to make some interesting choices.

You'll be seeing more posts from me as I set out to find ways to encourage hair growth. I'm not trying to grow long hair... I just don't want to have bald spots. So, things must change. I know that a lot of survivors struggle with dealing with their new hair. I'm no different in this regard. But I'm not sure whether my thinning is due to my Tamoxifen use or something else. Since its been nearly two years since my chemo ended, I don't think I can blame this effect on that. But, anything is possible I suppose.

In the meantime, if you spot me around town... yes, I'm likely to be the chick with the uber-short hair cut, looking stunning and easy going. At least, that is the goal. (smile)

Hair chronicles: A follow-up to my Miss Jessie's trial and what's going on with my hair now

So, a few months back I stepped out on a limb and purchased a whole bunch of Miss Jessie's products to help tame my post-chemo curlies. After some trial and error with the application - primarily trying to figure out how much wetness to product ration would produce the best looking curls, and how I could style my hair the fastest way possible, etc. - I fell into a good rhythm with the products.

I learned that I liked a few things:

  

*         I really like the lather-less shampoo and the conditioner.   They really make my hair feel extra soft and wonderful. Clean, but not squeaky clean. Didn't think I would like that but I really do.

*         Curly meringue is nice. Not too much hold or tackiness but a nice lightweight product. I like the smell of it too.

*         Curly pudding is very nice. I'm not sure how well it will work with my hair as it (if it) changes back to its original level of curly/kinkiness. It provides more curl definition and I like the smell of it as well.

*         The baby buttercreme was nice but nothing to write home about.

*         The rapid recovery treatment was EXCELLENT! Whoo... I can't say enough good things about it other than I really loved it.

That said... a few of the negatives:

*         Miss Jessie's is ridiculously priced. RE-DAYUM-DICULOUS! Ya hear me?? I know that the line just pushed out to Target and I am happy for the two young ladies in this step in their endeavor but on my "breast-cancer-is-my-beyotch-budget" I can't afford to look that cute. Just simply cannot do it. $58 bucks a pop for products is not working for me.

*         The curly meringue and the curly pudding are nice but (for me) they take entirely too long to dry. I knew I was getting in too deep when I purchased a hair dryer just so that I could speed up the styling process. I have this quirky thing about wanting to do my hair every day. I haven't been a part of the once a week, or once every two weeks tribe for many, many years. Honestly, I don't want to go back. I enjoy wetting and/or conditioning and/maybe shampooing my hair daily or at least every other day.

*         Miss Jessie's requires far more work, time and effort than I am willing to give. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my curlies and it was an interesting experiment. But Nic is a rock-and-roll sort of girl... I like my hair to be the quickest part of starting my day, not the longest. And I definitely do not like trying to do my hair at night and hoping that it looks presentable in the morning. I don't have time for do-overs if it doesn't.

*         I was disappointed to learn that Miss Jessie's has mineral oil in it. I'm sure that it's in there for production quality or something like that but you would think that if you were mortgaging your first child in order to keep your curly hair looking fly you could AT LEAST get a product that didn't have bad for you ingredients in the list. (shrug) Disappointing for real.

I am almost out of curly pudding and curly meringue. I have been out of baby buttercreme and rapid recovery treatment (I bought the small sample size of both). I have lots of shampoo and conditioner left. After trying so many items in the product line, I can say that I probably won't bother purchasing more. Maybe the shampoo and conditioner - but that's only if I can't find something else just as nice but more budget friendly. And assuming that I grow my hair out again.

Surprise!

About a month or so ago, I got totally fed up and chopped off all my hair. So I'm back to wearing my uber-low fade and pretty happy about it. (I was very tearful in the beginning but I've gotten used to the shortness of it) I've been using some ridiculously cheap Am-pro clear gel to help with styling my curlies. Less than $2 per jar. And honestly, I'm cool with the results. (shrug)  Guess I really am not a high-maintenance chick after all.

Love ya Miss Jessie's but you're out of my league.  The next step in the hair chronicles is to find a protein treatment that will help to strengthen and grow my hair. Part of the reason I cut my hair way down was because I was noticing some serious thinning in a few spots. People around me seemed to think I was seeing things but I thought I saw bald spots emerging and there was no way that I was going to sport cute curlies speckled with bald spots. Nope. I may be cheap but I'm still vain.

Will let you know how it goes with the protein treatment and what I decide to use. Meanwhile, I can check Miss Jessie's off my list and go purchase more clear gel.