New profile...

Well, I just removed my bandages and my binder bra (I'm sure that isn't what its called but that's what it is -- a velcro-closing bra that holds me and my bandages tightly together). I put on one of my lounging cotton bras, the ones that I purchased and wore after my mastectomy and my reconstruction. They aren't the prettiest bras in the world but they are very comfortable because they have no wire in them at all.

I remember when I purchased these after my mastectomy. It was a challenge to find something to wear that was small enough to fit my back size and yet large enough in the cup size to hold my remaining breast. It was an impossible challenge actually so I just bought something that fit my back size and didn't worry much about the cup size.

After I had my reconstruction months later, I pulled these comfortable bras out again to wear. I couldn't wear regular bras because at my size almost all bras have underwire.  Underwire is a no-no after breast surgery. Because of the surgeries, there are areas of my chest/breast area that are numb and the wire in those bras could cause a lot of chafing and or wounding of the sensitive flesh. I would show you pictures of women who ended up with really bad sores after wearing underwire but... yuck. Its gross and I'm sure you get the idea.

These lounging bras have no support though -- that's what the underwire is for and without it, well, there goes the lift that my oversized boobies required. Needless to say, although I wore these bras for months for the comfort, they did NOTHING to make me look good in my clothes. I looked a little crazy (I'll admit it now) because I was lopsided in two ways -- one side was significantly larger than the other and also, one side was lifted higher than the other. Just not so sexy really.

So, like I said... I just pulled out one of these lounging bras since I just removed the binder bra to put on a tshirt and wow.... my profile is just significantly different. I was staring at myself sideways for about 10 minutes. Its amazing over here. I can look down and see my lap. (laughs) I haven't done that in years. The fact that this bra has no support doesn't matter because my boobies are actually perky and have their own lift. Wow.

So check it... I am comfortable. I have on a bra with no underwire. My breasts are lifted and sitting high on my chest. And most importantly, I am comfortable.

I have to get used to this new profile because it is just amazing to me that I look so... proportionate now. Amazing.

I won't say that I'm still completely sold on these new girls... but I will admit that they are putting in some good work right now. The next test will be to see how they look in cleavage showing outfits. :)

The day after surgery... feeling okay

Well, its been a day since my reduction surgery and I have to say that I'm feeling much better than I expected to. I don't even really need my percocet. Tylenol is working fine -- better actually because the percocet is giving me a headache and making me nauseous. (shrug)

I took off my bandages this morning (well, this afternoon actually) and took a look at my new breasts. I'll be honest. So far, I'm not really a fan.

I guess they look alright but they look mighty small to me. I think that I may be lucky to have a C/D cup now. That is a drastic difference from the H cup I had before. I wasn't prepared for this at all. So, again, I'm having a paradigm shift about my body. You would think I would be pretty accustomed to this roller coaster ride of change... but I am not.

I have realized something though. Pain is relative. The pain I'm feeling right now is nothing compared to the pain of the mastectomy. And that pain was really nothing compared to the pain of the reconstruction surgery. Its a little more painful that the implant/removal of my mediport. But generally speaking, I'm good. I'll be up and around in no time.

One thing I am struggling with is my mouth and throat. They gave me a breathing tube during surgery and my throat is killing me now. Along with the roof of my mouth. Can't quite understand why but eh... whatever.

All of this is small stuff. In the grand scheme of things. Two years ago, had I not done that self-exam and felt a lump, I would have been on a collision course with an early death. But that one act changed the trajectory of my life and now things are different.

As long as I keep reminding myself of that fact, all the other changes make sense.

Preparing for more surgery

I met with my plastic surgeon the other day. It was my 3 month follow-up appointment after my TRAM-flap procedure. All things considered -- 12 hours under anesthesia being operated on; 6 days in the ICU recuperating from the procedure; 6/7 weeks at home further recuperating; a loss of muscle strength in one arm; reduced energy; pain in my abdomen area following surgery -- I'm doing okay. My scars are healing well. My energy levels are slowly inching back up. My tummy doesn't feel as tight as it did before. (I used to feel like someone tightened me up so much that I couldn't stand up straight)

She was quite pleased with my progress. However, I take that with a grain of salt. (laughs)  I have learned that what the medical community sees as impressive is not always perfectly correlated to what the rest of the world sees as progress or improvement. Neither view is wrong, just different.

To my doctors and their staff... the fact that nothing is sticking out (hernia), I'm back at work, I didn't have to go back to the hospital for any complications... that means I'm doing well and progressing marvelously. Now, to the rest of the world who has no clue that I have been going through my own personal hell for the past 2 years... I look like a chick who might be a little lazy or a little overworked. I walk too slow, don't move so fast and refuse to lift anything that looks heavy. (laughs)

Its all about perspective.

I noticed that I am growing more comfortable with choosing whether or not to discuss my breast cancer status with people. I no longer feel as though I have Tourette's and can't control what comes out of my mouth. I went out last night to celebrate a friend's birthday. (had a blast too!) When I checked my coat and my bag, I got into a conversation with the guy working coat check and eventually shared with him that I was working on a blog and a book about breast cancer. Later that same evening, I ran into an acquaintance and when he inquired why he hadn't seen me in a few years... I simply said that I had been sick. Didn't go any further.

That would not have happened 6 months ago. (laughs) Thank God for growth and continued progress.

Back to the surgery... As I said, the surgeon was very pleased with my progress and wanted to start discussing the next step in the journey. (sigh) I am beginning to understand how some people get addicted/hooked on plastic surgery. It seems impossible to get everything you want done at one time. So, there is always another procedure waiting in the wings. At any rate, its time for me to start thinking about the next step to getting things back to "normal".

The next step for me is to have my natural breast reduced so that it matches the size of my reconstructed breast. Also, a little bit of additional contouring to my reconstructed breast so that it looks better. I'm going to have a little liposuction! (gasp) But its not what you think. (laughs) This will be some really small areas of fat removed around my reconstructed breast. Just to make things look prettier. (smile)

The beauty of this next step is that I won't be in the hospital for a week. The surgeon said that she can do it all in one day. (Sweet!) And that my recuperation will be about 2 weeks. (Even better!)  I definitely want it done and would like to have it done as soon as I can schedule it. But I have to coordinate with my manager (that sort of blows) and also keep in mind my travel schedule for the year. Right now, I'm aiming for early June but we'll see what works.

I am a bit scared but not overwhelmingly so because this procedure is far less dangerous, far less involved than the procedure I went through in November (TRAM flap). And afterwards... I will have CLEAVAGE and perky new boobies!

Fantastic!! My swagger will be at 1 million after its all said and done. (at least I hope so)

>>> Yay... cleavage!

healing well... time to start thinking about the next surgery

Saw the doctor today and I'm healing quite well. It is a good thing that my recuperation is coming along well and with no complications or infections. I am fortunate that I don't have keloid skin and generally speaking, my skin rebounds well from trauma. So, the scarring across my belly is looking very good and is already looking like it will fade nicely. The scars around my breast aren't healing quite as quickly but still seem to be doing alright. The skin around my breast is more traumatized though from the radiation treatment. I think that it will be some time before that area looks "normal" but that's okay.

The surgeon mentioned that I would need to come back in 2-3 months to check my healing again but also to start the planning for the next phase of my reconstruction. To be honest, while it seems that plastic surgery isn't quite as horrible as I'd imagined, it isn't a cakewalk. And I'm not that certain that I want to keep nitpicking for perfection. My plastic surgeon seems to really enjoy what she does. She gets rather excited when its time to discuss procedures and such. I am not so amused by the prospect.

Right now, my new breast is what I call a "Barbie boob"... its round and nipple-less much like a Barbie doll. It isn't (to me) shaped exactly as I envisioned. I am still swollen and tender in the area above the breast and in the area on the side of the breast. But, its tolerable and fine to me. My surgeon mentioned that if the swelling above the breast didn't go down, then she could go back and do a little liposuction to flatten that area.

Blink. Blank stare.

(more after the jump... click on the READ MORE link)

Really now? Um... I don't know about that. I have seen other breast cancer survivors after reconstruction and they have holes/indentations in their chest area where the fat shifted (or whatever). As you can guess... it is NOT a good look. So... I don't know about liposuctioning anything out of my chest. (That just sounds disgusting to me)

Another way that I was reminded today that I'm really not a huge fan of plastic surgery was when my surgeon was examining me and she noticed what I've been calling "my pinches"... areas on each of my hips where the end of the surgical incision was stitched up and caused a "pinched" area. It looks a lot like a hem that has had the thread pulled too tight. But to me, while its not perfect, its tolerable.

Oh no... not to my plastic surgeon. She wants to go in and smooth that out. (gas face) Are you counting? We're up to two procedures now -- the recontouring of my breast and the smoothing out of my pinches.  That's just a lot going on to me. I mean, I understand her perspective I think. She can fix it, all I have to do is say the word. But to me, the question is -- is this necessary? And I don't know that smoothing out my pinches is really necessary.

Keep in mind that the real reason for the next procedure should be to reduce and to lift my remaining breast. I KNOW that procedure will be a doozy. She's got a lot of tissue to manipulate and to remove. I'm not particularly looking forward to losing my girl but I can admit that right now I'm a little lopsided and crazy looking. One breast is sitting up so high that when I lay down, my chin rests on it. The other breast hangs so low... if I'm not careful it will roll completely off my chest and hang down my arm. (laughs) Okay, I'm exaggerating a little bit -- but not much. If you look closely... its a bit of a mish-mash over here.

But my fear and concern about more surgery has begun to cloud my vision and with all those areas that could use some refining, when I look into the mirror, I'm fine with the reflection I see. Really fine. I can't forget the week immediately following the surgery in the hospital. The pain... the pain was really bad. The morphin drip was my friend for a few days.  And I'm in no hurry to go through that again.

However, if she's able to do the nipple work at the same time... I may consider going back under the knife in about 6 months or so. Right now, the memory of the surgery is still fresh like my scars and the pain is still a big portion of my existence. But in 6 months, who knows? I'll probably be chomping at the bit to get back in the hospital to tighten everything up and make it all look nice.

I had a dream the other night that I went to the beach and had on a bikini. (laughs) So... more surgery just may be in my future.