might as well be elbows... these new breasts of mine

Someone posted this statement in a breast cancer forum I track. It made me laugh out loud although honestly, her post was more angst than humor. But the thought that her newly constructed breasts might as well be elbows just struck me as funny. She was discussing having her nipples done... and it made me laugh. Second time today, I've thought about the nipple reconstruction phase of this "re-build" after my mastectomy.

I suppose for those of you not so intimately involved with the whole mastectomy-reconstruction world... it may be a surprise to learn that nipples don't come with your new breast(s). (laughs) But... alas, they do not. Getting nipples is a wholly separate procedure and pretty detailed from what I understand. I keep giggling about it because my "barbie boob" has started to grow on me. No pun intended.

(you know how Barbie's boobs have no nipples, right? that's what I call my noobie -- new boobie)

I suppose it will seem even more "normal" when it looks less like a doll-part and more like a lady-part. But until then...


I'm starting to feel whole again. My sexy noobie is nothing like my other breast. But in its own way, its soooo very fabulous. I mean... dig it.. its all nice and perky. Reminds me of my young-tender days... when everything was all upright and perky 'round these parts. (laughs) My noobie is so fabulous that it really doesn't NEED a bra, though of course I do wear one. That other side...? whew lawd... we have to strap ol' girl down!
 
Its sort of nice you know. Feeling perky and young again.  And even though I'm not balanced, I'm cool with that. Or rather, I'm better about it.

At the onset of this journey, I really had no idea that it would ultimately be years before I was done with everything and back to whole again. Each step of the way, I've thought "okay, now that's over... I can get back to living again". Only to be hit with another something that needs to be done or considered in the future. I will admit that its tiresome and sort of scary. But at the same time... it is what it is.

One thing I have learned from dealing with all of this is that LIFE KEEPS GOING until it stops. As much as I would like it to be different, there really isn't a pause button. So, no matter what you're going through, dealing with or expecting to come around that corner... life still goes on. Everyday that your eyes open... that's life that needs to be lived.

Don't laugh but this is a difficult concept for me to embrace somedays. I need a break sometimes. A break from having breast cancer. A break from being single. A break from not being a mommy. A break from all these doggone bills. Just a break. But the truth is that... no such thing exists. So, you have to switch up your perspective. Look for the funny, the giggle.... I mean... what if instead of a breast I did have a third elbow jutting out of my chest? (laughs) How crazy would that be?

...and yes, if I had a third elbow jutting out of my chest... I would learn to rock that joint like it was THE sexiest thing ever seen in this world. Yes, I would! I am "that" girl...

I have laughed a lot over the past few days. Silly things, like crazy videos on the internet and crazier blog posts from various bloggers... and each time I've been grateful for the ability to laugh and to cry with joy. I have been stressed a lot lately, worried about what might happen in different situations. But I finally just gave it back to God to handle and decided that no matter what happens, I am blessed in this moment just to be alive. So many of my brothers and sisters with cancer did not make it. While I'm here I feel it is my privilege to be happy about it.

So, even though my noobie isn't exactly what I expected, I love it. I love the fact that I have it. I love the fact that it replaced the breast that was trying to kill me. I love the fact that if I didn't tell you there was a situation under my bra -- you wouldn't know it. I love my noobie... and I'm glad that it isn't an elbow. (laughs)

Some of the places I've found giggles this week:

http://www.ohellnawl.com/

http://youknowyoudeadazzwrong.blogspot.com/

http://missjia.com/

http://www.averagebro.com/2010/01/laugh-break-corey-holcomb.html

If you have some favorite funny sites on the web, please leave a comment with the link. I tell you, laughter is good for the body and the spirit. Keep the giggles coming folks...

healing well... time to start thinking about the next surgery

Saw the doctor today and I'm healing quite well. It is a good thing that my recuperation is coming along well and with no complications or infections. I am fortunate that I don't have keloid skin and generally speaking, my skin rebounds well from trauma. So, the scarring across my belly is looking very good and is already looking like it will fade nicely. The scars around my breast aren't healing quite as quickly but still seem to be doing alright. The skin around my breast is more traumatized though from the radiation treatment. I think that it will be some time before that area looks "normal" but that's okay.

The surgeon mentioned that I would need to come back in 2-3 months to check my healing again but also to start the planning for the next phase of my reconstruction. To be honest, while it seems that plastic surgery isn't quite as horrible as I'd imagined, it isn't a cakewalk. And I'm not that certain that I want to keep nitpicking for perfection. My plastic surgeon seems to really enjoy what she does. She gets rather excited when its time to discuss procedures and such. I am not so amused by the prospect.

Right now, my new breast is what I call a "Barbie boob"... its round and nipple-less much like a Barbie doll. It isn't (to me) shaped exactly as I envisioned. I am still swollen and tender in the area above the breast and in the area on the side of the breast. But, its tolerable and fine to me. My surgeon mentioned that if the swelling above the breast didn't go down, then she could go back and do a little liposuction to flatten that area.

Blink. Blank stare.

(more after the jump... click on the READ MORE link)

Really now? Um... I don't know about that. I have seen other breast cancer survivors after reconstruction and they have holes/indentations in their chest area where the fat shifted (or whatever). As you can guess... it is NOT a good look. So... I don't know about liposuctioning anything out of my chest. (That just sounds disgusting to me)

Another way that I was reminded today that I'm really not a huge fan of plastic surgery was when my surgeon was examining me and she noticed what I've been calling "my pinches"... areas on each of my hips where the end of the surgical incision was stitched up and caused a "pinched" area. It looks a lot like a hem that has had the thread pulled too tight. But to me, while its not perfect, its tolerable.

Oh no... not to my plastic surgeon. She wants to go in and smooth that out. (gas face) Are you counting? We're up to two procedures now -- the recontouring of my breast and the smoothing out of my pinches.  That's just a lot going on to me. I mean, I understand her perspective I think. She can fix it, all I have to do is say the word. But to me, the question is -- is this necessary? And I don't know that smoothing out my pinches is really necessary.

Keep in mind that the real reason for the next procedure should be to reduce and to lift my remaining breast. I KNOW that procedure will be a doozy. She's got a lot of tissue to manipulate and to remove. I'm not particularly looking forward to losing my girl but I can admit that right now I'm a little lopsided and crazy looking. One breast is sitting up so high that when I lay down, my chin rests on it. The other breast hangs so low... if I'm not careful it will roll completely off my chest and hang down my arm. (laughs) Okay, I'm exaggerating a little bit -- but not much. If you look closely... its a bit of a mish-mash over here.

But my fear and concern about more surgery has begun to cloud my vision and with all those areas that could use some refining, when I look into the mirror, I'm fine with the reflection I see. Really fine. I can't forget the week immediately following the surgery in the hospital. The pain... the pain was really bad. The morphin drip was my friend for a few days.  And I'm in no hurry to go through that again.

However, if she's able to do the nipple work at the same time... I may consider going back under the knife in about 6 months or so. Right now, the memory of the surgery is still fresh like my scars and the pain is still a big portion of my existence. But in 6 months, who knows? I'll probably be chomping at the bit to get back in the hospital to tighten everything up and make it all look nice.

I had a dream the other night that I went to the beach and had on a bikini. (laughs) So... more surgery just may be in my future.