A Real Sweet Cancer Video

Taken from the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation website:

Elmwood School has a proud tradition of supporting and participating in the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation CIBC Run for the Cure.

A Hairy Moment

Today I shaved my legs for the first time since August 2008. Tho not having to shave was nice for a while, having my hair back is great. This along with my eye brows and lashes coming in ... my face is now starting to look more normal.

Next on my list is nose hair... yupper, to help stop up my perpetually runny nose. And ... having some hair on my head just adds to my healthier new look. Now I don’t stand out so much. So yay for me!

A Good Day

This morning I was at the cancer clinic to hook up with the knitting group. What a great group of ladies. Last week I mentioned that I had many bloggers suggest I try a neti pot for my sinus issues. I never purchased one because I was a bit apprehensive about the whole thing. Well one of the ladies was listening because she bought a NeilMed Sinus Rinse kit for me to try out. Thank you very much. I’ll let you know how it all works out later.

I came home for a quick pit stop and then I was off to the Second Cup coffee group. We chatted for three hours ... wow. We sure covered a lot of ground.

... this was a good and busy day.

Cancer Around The World

Here is a 7 and a half minute video about cancer in different parts of the world.

Feeling sexy with all my scars hanging out...

Okay, by now you should know what the deal is. Nicole is on a mission to recapture her swagger, to pull the sexy back into her life. Breast cancer survivor or not, I’m still a sassy single girl and I want to feel that way every time I wake up and every time I walk through a door. You want to know why?


Because I love being a girl.

I’ve cried and stumbled through most of this journey. I’ve been sad and feeling low for the better part of the last year and a half. And while that sort of disposition is contrary to my natural effervescence, it is perfectly understandable. Dealing with cancer is hard. Its heavy and it takes a huge emotional toll on you – if you let it. (Which I did) But, I’m moving on past that. Its time.

I have decided that even though I am not perfectly pleased with my body as it is that’s no reason to dim my own shine. Most of us aren’t happy with our looks. We want longer hair or shorter hair. Straighter hair or curlier hair. A smaller nose or bigger boobs. Some of us want hips and others want to give away the hips they have. (shrug) It is… what it is. At some point you have to accept yourself, flaws and all… and just damn what you think other people will think of your shortcomings.

Before breast cancer, I liked feeling like a sexy girl. I didn’t go too far out of my conservative comfort zone to find that sexiness to be sure. But I did my own thing, in my own way. I learned to own my own space in the world.

And then I lost it. Probably somewhere in the hallways of George Washington University Hospital. (laughs) I’ve been dressing like a schlump for the longest time now. Wearing ill-fitting clothes because I didn’t want to shop for new things and my old things didn’t quite fit right anymore. But when you dress well, you feel better about yourself. And I NEED to feel good. (My cuteness cannot be confined to just my face…)

So, today I wore a sassy dress to work that shows a LOT of cleavage. And… well, my cleavage is crooked. And it’s a little misshapen. And its got a darkened area of skin (hyper-pigmentation from my radiation treatment) And its got a crazy scar going around my new breast.

AND… I TRULY DON’T GIVE A CARE!

(sigh) That felt good to release that into the air. I don’t care that someone sees my scars today. I don’t care that someone in my office may feel uncomfortable with my putting it all out there for them to see and acknowledge. I don’t really care about any of that. For me, that’s a huge leap forward. I’ve been terrified, scared to death, that showing my scars was going to be embarrassing for me and for whomever came into contact with me. I’ve been wearing anything and everything that covers my entire chest area because I didn’t think I should bare my imperfection to the world.

But you know what? I’m forcing myself to get over it. Life is just too short for me to continue to put these crazy restrictions on myself. Last summer I met the nicest guy. And the sweetest (yet strange) thing he said to me was that he wanted to lick my scar. He was talking about the tiny scar on my chest where my port was implanted. He had no idea that (at the time) I had a huge sideways scar on the left side of my body where my boobie was removed. He just saw a girl at a party and threw it out there. I think about that comment a lot.

Life is short. I’m tired of feeling afraid. I’m tired of not feeling comfortable in my own skin, in my own space. Breast cancer has taken a lot from me…I refuse to give up anything else to this disease.


Sorry. Today is MY day. And I feel pretty doggone good too.

More New Hair

The other day I was cleaning my glasses in the bathroom and decided to take a closer look at my face. In the past I’ve avoided doing this because my face always looked so abused... puffed up with dark lines. I definitely look older when on Taxotere. Anyways, when I looked closely ... I noticed that I sprouted new eye lashes. Woohoo! There is only about ten of them on both upper lids but hey, I’m happy. Now I need to buy some mascara. I’m hoping Revlon will offer me their Remarkable Definition and Massive Volume the commercials always promise. Oh well, I can only dream.

As far as my eyebrows go ... some hairs have always stuck around but now I’m noticing a few new ones there too... of course, not just where they should be. I may have to pluck some out once they get fuller and longer. I seem to be sprouting all over the place. Soon I’ll need to start shaving my legs. 

As far as the hair on my head goes, it’s coming in pretty good but a bit wiry ... not the soft and curly stuff. Well I won’t complain ... too much.

With hair sprouting everywhere ... it really does feel like Spring around here.

The Living Well Group

First thing this morning, I checked my emails and it’s a good thing I did because my buddy C from my Second Cup coffee group was wondering if I had registered for the ‘Living Well’ group at the Cancer Center. It’s going on this morning at 10:30... I thought it was next week and quickly got on the phone and registered.

This new group is for cancer patients interested in learning more about living well. It’s based on something called positive psychology ... trying to make normal life more fulfilling.

I look forward to this group as I do with any of the groups I join ... I can’t say enough about how much I value them. I’m always learning new coping skills. And of course there are always the people ... some familiar faces and new ones too. I enjoy the social interaction and listening to the stories of what other cancer folk are going thru.

Each week we will have some take home exercises to practice what we’ve learned. I’ll keep you posted.

Oncologist Appointment

Just got back from seeing the Onc and everything seems to be in good order. I keep telling her how happy I am with Xeloda as compared to the Taxotere I was on. She really is happy with how well I’m doing with the Xeloda. But she still goes through the list of obvious side effects ... mouth sores, diarrhea and cracks in my hands and feet. I said I am not experiencing any mouth sores, no diarrhea and also ...no skin cracks because I am ever so careful with moisturizing. She asked me take my socks off to make sure and she actually pointed out one spot at the base of my big toe that looked very dry. I’m glad she had a look.

Anyways, my Onc reminded me that she will be going on maternity leave starting next week. She gave me the name of the Dr that will be taking over and booked my next app and tests.

I stopped by the pharmacy to pick up my next round of Xeloda. Not much more to report than that.

Have I mentioned lately that hot flashes are evil?

Well... I think they are evil. Every doggone night I look forward to interrupted sleep (assuming my eyes actually think about closing without a sleep aid)... waking up drenched in sweat is not my idea of sexy nor fun. But it is my night-time reality.

Last night I took two advil pm pills so that I could sleep. [I finished my prescription of ambien a couple of weeks ago and am now relying on over-the-counter sleep aids to get me through the night.] Two hours later, I was still wide awake and wanting to be asleep, so I popped two more.

Yeah.  I know what you're thinking. "She's really not too bright, huh?" (laughs)

So no... I wasn't too surprised when I had difficulty waking up Sunday morning. I woke up really late and was very groggy. But I knew that having that much sleep aid in my system would leave me groggy and since I really didn't have anything critical to do, I was okay with it. However, as the day ended and I began to mentally prepare for the work week, I realized that I couldn't (or shouldn't) take anymore sleep aids because I couldn't afford to oversleep and be late for work. .

I decided to take a chance that my body would relax appropriately and allow me to sleep at a decent hour. Of course, I did not add in the factor of the night sweats... and now I'm screwed.

Currently it is the middle of the night -- around 2:30 a.m. -- I have to wake up early (really really early) because I move slowly and it takes me forever to get ready for work now. Its too late to hope for sleep. What little rest I could have had has been interrupted several times with night sweats. I've changed my pajamas -- slipping out of the satin red pjs and into a ratty old cotton t-shirt -- and I wish I could turn back time so I could get some sleep.

I just had to let you know ... in case you forgot or weren't paying attention -- HOT FLASHES & NIGHT SWEATS have to be the devil's product. What's really crazy is that the heat isn't even consistent. You can be going along just fine, feeling comfortable and relaxed and then wooosh! Sweat is pooling on your back, your face is dripping and your hair is becoming saturated. Since I now keep a standing fan going in my bedroom all the time... I get up and adjust the fan's output and get back in the bed. A few moments later... I'm cold. I've got wet, cold clothes sticking to me... and the breeze from the fan is making me shiver.

At that point... I do the unthinkable.. and turn on my electric blanket. (laughs)  Ten minutes later... I'm yanking it off and turning my body so that the fan is hitting me dead center.

These stupid shenanigans happen all night long. (laughs)

If I take my sleeping pill at an appropriate time, I'm good. Unfortunately over-the-counter medication isn't as precise as prescriptions... and sometimes it takes hours before they kick in.

Every night is an adventure.

Did I pick the right time to take my pills? Is the fan up high enough? Is the blanket on low enough? And so on.

Tonight, I didn't make the right decision. Which means that tomorrow will be a very long day at work. I don't know if I will sleep at all tonight.

I see Starbucks in my future...

Major Shopping

It’s been about a year and half since we went to our big mall ... West Edmonton Mall. It is so big ... we generally avoid it because it is just too much territory to cover. Yesterday tho, we felt like a challenge. We knew it was going to be busy because the traffic was just crazy on the way there and then finding a parking spot was a whole deal all in itself... everyone was circling around like vultures looking for a parking spot. Our strategy was to watch for someone leaving and then follow them to their car ... it worked. 

We finally got in and boy was it busy, wall to wall people. Our first stop was to catch the seal performance at the water park. Then we walked around for about an hour. It wasn`t long before the thought of coffee crossed my mind and I scoped out a Second Cup. It has a stand-up bar with bar chairs; a nice break ... and then off we went. It didn`t take long before I noticed the bottoms of my feet felt like they were burning up... a side effect of Xeloda. I’m not sure what brought it on... all the walking that I did it or the fact that I was a bit over dressed ... way too warm.

I pushed it a little bit more and we ended up at Sears where D scooped up a couple of tops. Wow what a winter sale ... 60% off and a further 10% scratch card at the till. At this point my feet were really smoking hot so we stopped for a burger at the food court and then headed home.

Preparing for more surgery

I met with my plastic surgeon the other day. It was my 3 month follow-up appointment after my TRAM-flap procedure. All things considered -- 12 hours under anesthesia being operated on; 6 days in the ICU recuperating from the procedure; 6/7 weeks at home further recuperating; a loss of muscle strength in one arm; reduced energy; pain in my abdomen area following surgery -- I'm doing okay. My scars are healing well. My energy levels are slowly inching back up. My tummy doesn't feel as tight as it did before. (I used to feel like someone tightened me up so much that I couldn't stand up straight)

She was quite pleased with my progress. However, I take that with a grain of salt. (laughs)  I have learned that what the medical community sees as impressive is not always perfectly correlated to what the rest of the world sees as progress or improvement. Neither view is wrong, just different.

To my doctors and their staff... the fact that nothing is sticking out (hernia), I'm back at work, I didn't have to go back to the hospital for any complications... that means I'm doing well and progressing marvelously. Now, to the rest of the world who has no clue that I have been going through my own personal hell for the past 2 years... I look like a chick who might be a little lazy or a little overworked. I walk too slow, don't move so fast and refuse to lift anything that looks heavy. (laughs)

Its all about perspective.

I noticed that I am growing more comfortable with choosing whether or not to discuss my breast cancer status with people. I no longer feel as though I have Tourette's and can't control what comes out of my mouth. I went out last night to celebrate a friend's birthday. (had a blast too!) When I checked my coat and my bag, I got into a conversation with the guy working coat check and eventually shared with him that I was working on a blog and a book about breast cancer. Later that same evening, I ran into an acquaintance and when he inquired why he hadn't seen me in a few years... I simply said that I had been sick. Didn't go any further.

That would not have happened 6 months ago. (laughs) Thank God for growth and continued progress.

Back to the surgery... As I said, the surgeon was very pleased with my progress and wanted to start discussing the next step in the journey. (sigh) I am beginning to understand how some people get addicted/hooked on plastic surgery. It seems impossible to get everything you want done at one time. So, there is always another procedure waiting in the wings. At any rate, its time for me to start thinking about the next step to getting things back to "normal".

The next step for me is to have my natural breast reduced so that it matches the size of my reconstructed breast. Also, a little bit of additional contouring to my reconstructed breast so that it looks better. I'm going to have a little liposuction! (gasp) But its not what you think. (laughs) This will be some really small areas of fat removed around my reconstructed breast. Just to make things look prettier. (smile)

The beauty of this next step is that I won't be in the hospital for a week. The surgeon said that she can do it all in one day. (Sweet!) And that my recuperation will be about 2 weeks. (Even better!)  I definitely want it done and would like to have it done as soon as I can schedule it. But I have to coordinate with my manager (that sort of blows) and also keep in mind my travel schedule for the year. Right now, I'm aiming for early June but we'll see what works.

I am a bit scared but not overwhelmingly so because this procedure is far less dangerous, far less involved than the procedure I went through in November (TRAM flap). And afterwards... I will have CLEAVAGE and perky new boobies!

Fantastic!! My swagger will be at 1 million after its all said and done. (at least I hope so)

>>> Yay... cleavage!

Looking Back One Year

I went back in my blog ... one year to see how I was feeling for 1 week. I remember feeling pretty down in the dumps as the Taxotere side effects were really rough. And the steroids just added to it. As I read my posts ... my first reaction was ... hey, I think I wrote pretty clearly. That surprises me because my brain was under such a chemo fog ... I wasn’t sure what I would find when I re-read some of my stuff. 

As I read the posts, I remember feeling quite ill, moody and hopeless. I remember having terrible sleeps filled with nightmares and the days were filled with aches and pain and miserable feelings. The focus back then was to get through the day and then through the night ... and not much more. I remember feeling this was a one way experience ... I’d get worse and worse and then die. 

Never did I think I would go onto a new chemotherapy that would give me back some quality of life. I feel so much better now. 

My goal today in writing about my experience last year is to show that there is always hope.... things do change for the better.

The Knitting Group

I’m just back from the knitting group. The ladies here are knitting up a storm and creating some great looking scarves and shawls. There are some pretty cool patterns out there too, but I’m sticking with knitting a simple scarf.

It’s slow going for me because knitting is tough on my finger tips... and I don’t want them to crack either. So instead of going full bore, I chat a lot. I spoke with one lady who would like to connect with others with head and neck cancer. The surgery that these folks often have is out in the open for all to see. So I’m going to email her some of the oral cancer blogs I follow and see what groups are available here in Edmonton. I think it is so important to connect and help others.

Wearing the mask...

My survivor story was published today on Voices of Survivors. "My Voice" by Nicole McLean

It is an interesting story. I just re-read it and even though I wrote it, the rawness of it still surprised me a bit. Even if you're not a breast cancer survivor, I hope that you can relate to my issue of wearing the mask to hide your true feelings in life.

At any rate... thank you so much for supporting me on this journey. It keeps me going and gives me more strength than you can ever imagine.

~Nic

PS. The other day I participated in a panel presentation for Blogalicious DC (Blogalicious). The event was "Creating our Conversations" and I had an absolute ball. This blogging stuff TOTALLY ROCKS! The blogosphere is amazing. I have never felt so intune and joyous in a community that I didn't create. Its fabulous. But... I wanted to share a story that one of the bloggers in the audience (my confession: Her blog is my blog's shero) wrote about the event. http://www.nbcwashington.com/blogs/niteside/Nicole-McLean-Blogs.html

Also, there is a video recap of the event here: Blogalicious DC Meetup

It has been a very good week for a sassy, sexy (sometimes weepy) breast cancer survivor and her Fabulous Boobies. :)

Special Report on Cancer

From the Stand Up to Cancer website ...

On January 28, CBS Evening News Anchor Katie Couric - who is also one of SU2C's co-founders - reported on cancer research and treatment in a segment entitled Where America Stands: Cancer.

Here is the 7 minute video.

Shout Out to - Laughing For Cancer

Alright Edmonton ... clear your schedule for Sunday, February 28 from 5:00 pm onward for the Laughing for Cancer live auction and comedy show. Graham Neil from CTV will be hosting the event with comedians from Edmonton and all across Canada. 

About Laughing for Cancer.... Audrew Grose, a local comedian started this benefit after losing his father-in-law in 2002. Laughing with Cancer is $175,000 short of their goal of raising one million dollars.

D and I went to the very first Laughing for Cancer event and laughed our faces off. It was so funny having local comics poke fun of all the thing going on here. We will give our support this year once again.

inching towards 100

I was asked to contribute a survivor story to a website dedicated to cancer survivors. http://voicesofsurvivors.org/  I can't remember how I connected with Lynn, the guy who started the site and the correlating non-profit -- but I think it was through some other breast cancer survivors on facebook. I have to say, social media is proving to be a fascinating and very helpful way to connect with other survivors and supporters. It is amazing.

I digress. Lynn asked me to contribute a story for the the site focused on what being a survivor means to me. Normally, I write with little planning. I write my blog based on how I'm feeling on a particular day or based upon something I've found in my internet travels. I accepted the opportunity not realizing that it would be particularly difficult to articulate what it means to me to be a breast cancer survivor.

I've been in particularly low spirits lately about my cancer journey and each time I tried to construct an article, it became a dirge of woe and tears. I know that it is just my mood at the moment and not entirely how I feel, so I waited until I was in a better place to write about being a survivor. I have to say, what I came up with surprised me.

I wrote about "wearing the mask" of being a confident and strong breast cancer survivor. We all wear masks in our lives to get along with others, to fit in, and to just keep things moving in a forward direction. What the mask represents, reflects and hides differs from person to person. I have had a lot of people ask me how I've gotten through this with grace, or how does it feel to be an inspiration to others. (laughs) All of that... that grace, that inspiration, that courage... that's the mask.

Writing for "Voices of Survivors" helps me to inch ever closer to my goal of submitting 100 posts/articles this year. I've declared 2010 my year of being like Lil' Wayne. (laughs) One random day I found myself watching one of those shows on a music channel (can't remember whether it was MTV or VH1) about celebrities. Lil Wayne was the subject and for some reason I was drawn into it. I think it was because I don't really know much about him or his music. I could probably name two of his songs, so I wouldn't be considered a fan, but the show about him was very interesting. I was stopped in my tracks when they explained that his popularity shot up after he appeared on 100 different song collaborations in one year.

That is BANANAS. His work ethic is crazy -- in a good way. And while I am not one of his biggest fans, I admire his tenacity and his drive and decided that if it was good enough for Weezy, its good enough for Nic. I'm putting my stamp everywhere I can this year... already I have contributed to a few blogs, and offered background information for a local playwright who is working on a play about breast cancer. Later today, I will be participating in a blogging forum for women of color... and more things will be coming.

Hair Coming In Slowly

Yesterday I headed off to the grocery store to get some coffee. On the way back, the family next door were just pulling out of their driveway and I stopped to chat. It was a gorgeous sunny day to be out and about. R said ... “You have a few tuffs of hair showing from under your hat.” I whipped off my Beatles cap to show her... the same style cap that Ringo Starr used to wear way back when. I was so proud to show off my new found locks... especially since the Onc said hair won’t grow back under Xeloda.

My hair is coming in a bit greyer than before ... and it’s not a full head of hair either. But what the heck ... its hair and I’m not complaining.

More Motivated Me

One of the things I’ve noticed about myself recently is that I’m more motivated to do stuff ... namely housework. When I was on Taxotere I couldn’t care less if there was an inch of dust on the furniture and the laundry was piled to the roof. To be honest, I didn’t care much about anything ... never mind housework.

But more recently, I’ve been interested in the shape my house is in. I actually feel like doing some house work instead of relying on D to do it. I think, having D do the housework has been a good experience for both of us. One of the good things that came out of him doing housework is that he purchased a squeeze mop for washing floors. I used get on all fours and do it the old fashioned way but not anymore. This weekend, I grabbed the bucket and mop and tried it out ...wow so much easier.

Anyways, yesterday I said to D ... “I’m so impressed with myself for doing so much this weekend or is it that I’m more impressed that I want to do these things”. “That you want to do these things.” he replied.

Will he hold your purse?

I've never reposted an article from another website... but this one just struck such a chord with me... that I had to. And since I'm still feeling the love from Valentine's day... its appropriate.  Here's to all the men who hold the hands (and the purses) of the women who fight breast cancer.

All my single ladies... find a guy like this. :) 

-----------------

Will he hold your purse?

http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/magazine/articles/2009/10/04/will_he_hold_your_purse/


As a breast cancer doctor, I’ve learned how to spot a devoted husband -- a skill I try to share with my single and searching girlfriends.

By Robin Schoenthaler
October 4, 2009


“Everything I know about marriage I learned in my cancer clinic.” I’ve been known to say this to my friends, maybe more than once, maybe even causing some of them to grind their teeth and grumble about Robin and Her Infernal Life Lessons.

I can’t help myself. I’ve worked as a breast cancer doctor for 20 years, I’ve watched thousands of couples cope with every conceivable (and sometimes unimaginable) kind of crisis, and I’ve seen all kinds of marriages, including those that rise like a beacon out of the scorched-earth terror that is a cancer clinic.

It’s a privilege to witness these couples, but the downside is I find myself muttering under my breath when my single female friends show me their ads for online dating. “Must like long walks on beach at sunset, cats,” they write, or “French food, kayaking, travel.” Or a perennial favorite: “Looking for fishing buddy; must be good with bait.” These ads make me want to climb onto my cancer doctor soapbox and proclaim, “Finding friends with fine fishing poles may be great in the short term. But what you really want to look for is somebody who will hold your purse in the cancer clinic.”

It’s one of the biggest take-home lessons from my years as an oncologist: When you’re a single woman picturing the guy of your dreams, what matters a heck of lot more than how he handles a kayak is how he handles things when you’re sick. And one shining example of this is how a guy deals with your purse.

I became acquainted with what I’ve come to call great “purse partners” at a cancer clinic in Waltham. Every day these husbands drove their wives in for their radiation treatments, and every day these couples sat side by side in the waiting room, without much fuss and without much chitchat. Each wife, when her name was called, would stand, take a breath, and hand her purse over to her husband. Then she’d disappear into the recesses of the radiation room, leaving behind a stony-faced man holding what was typically a white vinyl pocketbook. On his lap. The guy -- usually retired from the trades, a grandfather a dozen times over, a Sox fan since date of conception -- sat there silently with that purse. He didn’t read, he didn’t talk, he just sat there with the knowledge that 20 feet away technologists were preparing to program an unimaginably complicated X-ray machine and aim it at the mother of his kids.

I’d walk by and catch him staring into space, holding hard onto the pocketbook, his big gnarled knuckles clamped around the clasp, and think, “What a prince.”

I’ve worked at cancer clinics all around Boston since then, and I’ve seen purse partners from every walk of life, every age and stage. Of course, not every great guy accompanies his wife to her oncology appointment every day -- some husbands are home holding down the fort, or out earning a paycheck and paying the health insurance premiums -- but I continue to have a soft spot for the pocketbook guy. Men like him make me want to rewrite dating ads from scratch.

WANTED: A partner for richer or poorer and for better or worse and absolutely, positively in sickness and in health. A partner for fishing and French food and beach walks and kayak trips, but also for phone calls from physicians with biopsy results. A guy who knows that while much of marriage is a 50-50 give-and-take, sometimes it’s more like 80-20, and that’s OK, even when the 80-20 phase goes on and on. A man who truly doesn’t care what somebody’s breast looks like after cancer surgery, or at least will never reveal that he’s given it a moment’s thought. A guy who’s got some comfort level with secretions and knows the value of a cool, damp washcloth. A partner who knows to remove the computer mouse from a woman’s hand when she types phrases like “breast cancer death sentence” in a Google search. And, most of all, a partner who will sit in a cancer clinic waiting room and hold hard onto the purse on his lap.



Robin Schoenthaler is a radiation oncologist at the MGH Department of Radiation Oncology at Emerson Hospital in Concord. Send comments to coupling@globe.com. Story ideas Send yours to coupling@globe.com. Please note: We do not respond to ideas we will not pursue.







© Copyright 2010 The New York Times Company

The Treadmill

We finally did it ... we bought a treadmill. Something we’d been talking about for the last year. Of course the unit came in million pieces ... some assembly required. Thank goodness for friends because B and D came by to help put it together. Tho the guys did a great job putting the treadmill together ... the key tab that goes with the treadmill was missing so we will have to call the 1 800 number to get one ordered in. 

Thanks to B and D for the lovely chocolates and Valentine sprinkles.

Its Valentine's Day...

I've been surfing the breast cancer boards a lot lately and a recent thread about being single and dealing with the aftermath of breast cancer really touched my spirit.

Today is Valentine's day. And while it isn't a big deal for a lot of people... there are some of us for whom Valentine's Day is the ultimate in excitement and joy. A holiday dedicated to the joy of love, being love and showing love -- fabulous! I don't understand why people don't like or appreciate the opportunity to show love... but eh. Some do and that's their right, I guess... so we're going to go with that. But for the record, that is NOT Nicole. I love Valentine's day. Always have. Used to look forward to those days at school when you made your little mailbox for your desk and then you got a little sappy valentine card from every kid in your class. Even the ones you didn't like. I lived for those moments. I used to drive my mom crazy to make sure I had the best valentine's cards to give away.

I've always been a sucker for love.

I still have the card that my high school boyfriend gave me for Valentine's day when we were dating. (that was a long, LONG time ago!) He was a sweet guy and I haven't looked at that card in many years, but tonight it popped into my mind while I thought about Valentine's day, being alone and dealing with breast cancer.

Breast cancer most often strikes women in their later years. Usually, a woman dealing with breast cancer has been married for some time and has had her children.  She typically has a support system around her.  However, this isn't always the case. We know that breast cancer can affect younger women who may not have reached these milestones in life. It also strikes older women who may have lost their spouse due to death or divorce and whose children are grown and no longer home. These women at both ends of the age spectrum face the daunting task of handling a debilitating disease alone. That in and of itself, is difficult.

Dealing with cancer can be very isolating for the patient/survivor.  You feel that people who have not gone through what you're dealing with may be unable to understand the depth of your emotions and your concerns. So, you may keep your real thoughts to yourself. You don't want to scare people unnecessarily with your "stuff".

When it strikes a woman who doesn't have a spouse or a partner, it can be a particularly lonely burden to deal with. Think about it. You're dealing with life or death issues, you're dealing with the loss of your self-image, you're dealing with the loss of a part of your body that is also a part of your sexuality. You lose who you are and the person you become after your treatment is typically different from the woman you were before. (This doesn't happen for every breast cancer patient/survivor but some of us do struggle with body image issues) Its hard.

After dealing with all of that, some well-intentioned person says to you... "you should be happy to be alive". Or even worse, you may think those words about yourself. Just lucky to be alive.  I know I've said many times that I was just happy to be alive when someone inquired about my health. But the truth of the matter is that while I am happy to be alive... it really isn't a fair thing to say to someone or to feel about yourself.

Too limiting, right? So because I have a chronic illness the best I should hope for is to simply exist? To only survive? Is that what you wish for yourself? I certainly hope not. That can't be all there is to life. That cannot be the reason why you struggle and pray and cry and hold on to the hope that one day all of this will be behind you. More than survival, I want to live. And live WELL. Superbly well in fact. I want to be loved and to love someone in return -- real, deep and fulfilling love. I want that. And from what I've read lately, there are a lot of other people dealing with this illness who have the same fears and concerns and desires that I do.

Its a shame that breast cancer makes you feel like less than a woman sometimes.

Valentine's day is here. I don't have a valentine. That makes me a little sad. But I have hope for the future.  A year ago, I was bald, pale and weak from chemotherapy and mastectomy surgery. I was afraid because I started my radiation treatment in February and I had no idea what to expect. And I was alone. My relationship was crumbling apart and I didn't know what to do to make it better. I tried to be strong and keep a brave face so that the people in my life didn't worry any more than necessary... but I was a crumbling mess last year.

This year, I'm much stronger, much happier... though still alone.  After reading some of the posts that my pink ribbon sisters have shared... I realize that there are a lot of women who will be spending a lonely Valentine's day this year. And while I know that a lot of people don't particularly care of Valentine's day... I think that showing love -- either to yourself, or to someone you know and care about -- is a small gesture that may have immeasurable rewards.

Somewhere there is a woman (or a man) weak from cancer treatment, tired, scared and feeling alone and unlovable. To that person... I say...

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!  You are beautiful and wonderful and the world is a better place because you're here.  Hold on... it will be better soon enough. I promise.

Inspiring Video by Gabrielle Bouliane

This is an amazing performance by poet, Gabrielle Bouliane who was diagnosed with stage four cancer.

Attention: Course Language

This was her last public performance, recorded December 5, 2009, at the Austin Poetry Slam. She passed away January 29, 2010.

No Knitting Group Today

This morning, I went to the cancer clinic in the mall to meet the Knitting Group. The receptionist said ... remember ... it’s canceled for today. Last week the ladies reminded us at least three times but chemo brain here forgot.

So what to do ... I wandered around the mall for a while and even stopped in a couple of shops to look at what is in vogue these days. I notice hats and caps continue to be big ... that’s music to my ears. I figure if more people are wearing lids ... I won’t stick out too much.

After stopping for a coffee, I decided to drive over to a local park. It’s down in the river valley in middle of the city but you wouldn’t believe that because it is so quiet. Temperature is -17C (1F) ... so it’s a bit too chilly for a walk. Even so ... I saw one jogger, one cross country skier and one guy skating on the frozen man-made lake. I parked the car for a short time just to take in the serenity.

I then took a spin downtown on the main-drag to do a bit of site seeing ... the downtown is ever changing ... new buildings and reno’s going on everywhere. It was kind of fun just driving around for no reason at all.

Why its important to do your breast self-exams

I write openly about my experience with breast cancer. I do that for a number of reasons. It helps me to breathe easier -- getting it all out as opposed to suffering in silence. It helps my friends and family members to understand what I am going through and allows them to be kept abreast of my treatment without feeling like they are burdening me with questions. And I do it for you. The person out there who reads these compelling mini-stories and sits there wondering... "what if that were me?"

Well... what if it were you sitting at home, thinking about your life and wondering how did this happen to me? What would you do? How would you feel? I know there are no easy answers to these questions. And I don't mean to be rude... but breast cancer is a beast. Sticking your head in the sand, pretending that it couldn't happen to you, won't happen to someone you love... doesn't change the beast's mentality. Cancer is a destroyer. It is an invader that creeps into your body by convincing some cells to outlive their natural lives. Those mutated cells cluster together and form a tumor. That tumor disrupts the functions of your body wherever they form. Cancer can form anywhere... but I am going to focus on breast cancer because that is my journey.

I could post graphic images of women with one or no breasts. I could post images of women who -- because of where they live in the world -- are unable to be treated for breast cancer and who have tumors that have grown so wildly out of control that they are literally coming through their breast tissue. I could show you images of x-rays of breast cancer tumors. But I won't do that. I've posted pictures with other posts but today... I'm just using my words to convey to you that it is important... very, very important that you know your body and examine your own breasts every month.

It takes just a few moments. You can do it when you're in the shower or when you're lying in your bed. Simply take your fingers and rub them across your breasts using a circular motion. You're trying to feel what's in there. It should feel soft and you may feel a few lumps. Don't let that freak you out. Our breasts are made of a variety of tissues that have different functions and feel differently. What you should do if you're just starting this self-exam process is check your breasts at different times of the month. Check them enough that you know what feels normal and what doesn't. Use your fingers like your eyes... to "see" what is going on inside your body.

After you've done this for a few months, you'll know what normal is like for your breasts. Try not to examine your breasts too closely to your menstrual cycle. Our bodies change during our cycle and you may feel things at that time that aren't there at other times in the month. But, at least once, check them then... so you can know what it feels like at that time.

I know that a lot of women, especially young women, don't consider that breast cancer is a possibility. But I am here to tell you that it can happen. Its not likely to happen but the possibility does exist. Know your body and if you are concerned, see your doctor as soon as possible.

Sears Coffee Group

Yesterday I had coffee with the Sears group. There were just four of us ... our fifth is in the hospital with unrelated cancer stuff and our sixth has a cold.

Two of the ladies brought pictures of family and friends to show. Would you believe we had them in three different formats ... first we had the standard 5X7” pictures, then a small photo book which was custom created and we had a portable digital picture frame. I thought the photo book was just beautiful … filled with different size snapshots of grandchildren. The portable digital frame was very cool too. It had a 3.5” display and carried up to 45 pictures. Oh my … is the world ever changing.

While looking at the pictures ... we were also checking in on how everyone was doing. Everyone  appears to be keeping busy doing one thing or another. Poor health or not, there are things to be done.

As we were leaving, one lady said ... even tho sometimes it takes a bit of effort to get here... I am so glad I do because I always walk out feeling so rejuvenated. I’d have to say the same ... these meetings do something for the soul.

New Look of My Blog

For awhile now ... I’ve wanted to clean up the look of my blog. And now Google Blogger has come along with a new feature to help me out. I’ve added a few tabs ... namely ... my bucket list and second is my diagnosis and treatment history.

The bucket list is something I have thought about a lot since I was first diagnosed in 2000 but had never put on paper. Then in 2008 when I was diagnosed with my Stage 4 cancer, I didn’t think I would have a future. Then I switched to Xeloda this all changed. Xeloda is a much more manageable chemotherapy and easier on my body. So much so, I’m feeling stronger and more hopeful. While I am feeling this good, I thought I’d throw down some thoughts as to what I’d still like to do ... set some goals ... track some accomplishments ... all to be a bit of a motivator.

As far as having the diagnosis and treatment tab ... I wanted to have that information available to me at a glance.

The new tabs are up now. Pls check them out and let me know what you think.

hot flashes while snowed in

 I have been snowed in at my home for the past few days. The mid-atlantic was hit with a blizzard that dumped 2 feet of snow on us. Snow is so beautiful when its falling. But a pain once its on the ground. Right now, we are being hit with our second big snowstorm this year. Might see another 12 inches on top of the 24 or so we already have.

I spend a lot of time at home so it doesn't bother me as much as others to be stuck in the house. However, one thing that is really irking me badly... are these doggone hot flashes.

How is it that there is so much snow and coldness outside and I can't regulate my body temperature so that I can sleep through the night without taking pills? I have flashes during the day but they are nothing like the flashes that come at night. It is so frustrating that its laughable.

This picture of this lady laying down in the snow made me laugh because I feel her. I want to run outside and dive face first into a snowdrift and just cool off. I've never been so hot for so long in my whole life. Its utterly amazing.

Another 4 years of this? Geez... breast cancer is a pain in my behind. (laughs) But once again... I am  happy in the little things like, being here to experience hot flashes in the midst of a snow storm.

Sore Itchy Eyes

Yesterday I went to see my GP seeking relief from my dry itchy eyes. For the past month I`ve been using eye drops to help but I believe the real issue is the skin surrounding my eyes. At my last visit with my Onc a couple of weeks ago, I asked her if the itchiness could be the chemo seeping out my eyes ... I’ve heard that can happen. She said this wasn’t likely with Xeloda and referred me to my GP.

Just a bit of history ... all my life I’ve struggled with patches of dry scaly skin and two of those patchy areas are the corners of my eyes. Some years are better than others tho last year I didn’t have any symptoms. This year, it’s come on strong. I always wake up with puffy reddish itchy eyes.

After the exam, my Doc refilled a prescription for a mild cortisone cream. This stuff has worked great in the past. I`ll let you all know how this turns out.

How to Help out Haiti in Boston

The mainstream media no longer seems to be showcasing the devastation that is going on in Haiti, but that doesn't mean that the issue has been resolved. Actually far from it, and there are still ways you can help impact the lives of the Haitian Community right here in Boston.

From February 8th -21st several Boston area locations along with FUNTOSALUD International will be collecting donations to help Haiti rebuild. The locations are as follows:

• Super Stop & Shop, 779 MacGrath Highway, Somerville, MA
• Haitian Coalition of Somerville, 268C Rear Powder House Blvd, #17C
• Centro Latino, 267 Broadway, Chelsea, MA 02150

Some of the items they are collecting include:

• First Aid Supplies
• NEW underwear
• Shoes (particularly for children)
• Baby supplies (bottles, diapers, etc)
• Batteries
• Flashlights
• Tents
• New Bed Sheets
• New Towels
• School supplies (Notebooks, pencils, book-bags, etc.)
• Personal Hygiene items

Of course you can still make monetary donations or even volunteer directly for the 2010 Border Health/Mission DR/Haiti from April 17-30, 2010. For more information on how to directly volunteer, email volunteer@funtosaludintl.org.

Related Posts: Quilting for a Cause, Disasters, Crises, and Donating Blood, Earthquake in China

Photo Courtesy of: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXCH7_K_AOrvwI-CnV8XJm8jp-TlrOUG8wpkil_UZ2zZ4bSnTp14r2mOinq3cZXJQFTrIu2t-_l9FWXOrOzwt_hA0PstvUAdrp_UgPAtY5_mvKVrnaF7qgFM8IoVp7ZSq8JEldfdmXtJIX/s660/haiti+needs+our+help.jpg

This and That

Just got back from lunch with Audrey from Stage 3! Who, me? She is doing real good and looking even better. She is no longer under treatment and is back at work fulltime. It was nice to catch up on what she’s been up to.

This weekend we watched the Super Bowl. What a great game and the half time show was the best. The Who sure know how put on a performance.

Here is the YouTube video...

Inspiring Cancer Video

Here is a fun and inspiring three minute cancer video by Stand Up To Cancer.

Shoutout To - Spirit Jump

As per the website ...

Join us for Cards For Cancer Day! On or about Saturday April 10th, 2010 Spirit Jump and the team leaders around the world will bring bags of cards to their local cancer centers to be given to those battling cancer. Cards can be collected by asking family members, friends, neighbors, schools, youth groups or just about anyway you can think of getting them. Cards can be handmade or store bought and should have a positive message to help JUMP the SPIRIT of someone who is battling cancer.

To learn more and to sign up visit www.cards4cancer.wordpress.com 

They need volunteers from all over the world to help out.

The Knitting Group

I met with the knitting group at the Cross. Today, I tend to talk more and knit less because my fingers are sensitive and the constant contact with the yarn dries my finger tips out. But for me ... the interaction is more fulfilling than crafting. 

Many of the gals are just learning to knit and some are seasoned vets. One lady is a talented writer. She brought with her some poetry she had written and shared it with the group. I asked if she considered publishing a book and she said it was very difficult for an unknown writer to get published. That is too bad because she seems very good.

We often talk about our cancer experiences ... today I spoke with a young gal who had gone back to work. She struggles with her thoughts and feelings. The idea of always wondering if it ... the cancer, will come back, weighs heavily on her mind. She also wonders why she is still so tired, why the memory is still so bad, is every ache and pain a concern ... will she ever be free of the fear of its return.

Dry Feet

Yesterday I had lunch with an old friend. We used to work together so there wasn’t a shortage of conversation. 

K follows my blog and asked me how I resolved the dryness problem with my feet. She said this has been a really bad year for her with regards to dry and cracking feet. Well, I said it actually takes a bit of time and effort. What I did was ... for a week solid ... some intense moisturizing. I took gauze or those cotton make-up remover pads or even panty liners ... yes you heard me right, panty liners ... and put a dollop of Udder Cream on them and taped them to my feet with medical tape. I would do it once every morning and kept it on for 24 hours. It felt weird but worth it for my feet to soften up. 

Just applying lots of cream or lotion is not enough; these areas need to be covered up so that the moisturizer has a chance to work its way in.

surviving 5 years after breast cancer...

I had a conversation with my auntie the other day. She is also a breast cancer survivor and we were discussing our different ailments and complaints (laughs) when she told me that she had reached her milestone mark. Five years cancer free.

That milestone is one that survivors hold their breath and hope for. The thought is that if you make it five years beyond your diagnosis, you are less likely to face a recuurrence. But, you also have to take into consideration what stage of cancer you were diagnosed with because that has a bearing on the survival rate as well.

All things are relative. If you were diagnosed with stage 0 or stage 1 breast cancer... there is a 100% 5 year survival rate. Stage 2 has a 86% 5 year survival rate. Stage 3 (that's me) has a 57% 5 year survival rate and stage 4 has a 20% 5 year survival rate. Even with that understanding, we all know that anything can happen and just because you have breast cancer doesn't mean that you will die because of breast cancer. You could get hit by a bus crossing the street. Or something else equally unfortunate. You could die of embarrassment... (laughs) Who knows?

There are no guarantees, no absolutes. I am grateful that my auntie was diagnosed early, treated promptly and is here to hold my hand while I walk this path behind her. She made it. My other auntie died of breast cancer years ago. So, like I said... there are no guarantees, no absolutes. My oncologist  told me some months ago that I had a 30% chance of breast cancer recurrence. (living with 30) And I'm surprised that I had forgotten that actually until just now. At the time, I felt that I could live with 30. And I guess I can. But I also feel like I need to do whatever I can do to get that number down to like 10% or less.

Deep in my heart... way down deep... I fear that I may struggle with this disease again. And honestly, I don't know what I am going to do if that happens. But I do know that those things that I can control I will work on, and leave all the rest up to God to take care of. One of my breast cancer sheroes is a 16 year survivor. I am trying to see numbers like that.

I Miss Work

Yesterday I received a letter from the insurance company that my disability was extended past the two year mark. Tho the letter brought good news ... I burst into tears. At the bottom of the letter was a familiar name ... cc’d to someone I worked with in HR. I was flooded with thoughts of how much I enjoyed my work and the people I worked with. I am missed the interaction, the challenges, the opportunities ... I miss feeling like I am contributing to something meaningful. 

Last week I had coffee with the Sears group and I mentioned to the ladies that I no longer had that urge to go back to work ... that I had filled my life with other things now. I guess that was BS. I do miss work... I miss it a lot.

Well after shedding a few tears I said to myself ... remember, you are very fortunate to have disability insurance. I needed to remind myself how many people with cancer are also in a financial bind. After giving myself that short lecture ... my moodiness is over.

Thoughts about breast cancer and finances

The economy is in bad shape. We've been in a recession for quite some time now. Unemployment is high, businesses are struggling, small businesses are closing... and people are filing for bankruptcy. The country has been discussing health care for some time now. President Obama made it an important part of his campaign to address the outrageous health insurance disparities in the country.

Last summer I blogged a bit about how a health crisis can (and does) send many people into dire financial straits and in some cases bankruptcy. (lets-talk-about-cancer-and-money.html)  Its a scary thing. The changes to your lifestyle -- beyond the cost of your medical treatment -- can quickly escalate the line items in your budget. Organic food, natural cosmetics, specialized clothing and treatments that aren't covered or are beyond the scope of your insurance can quickly take an already tight budget over the edge. Since many of us are but a paycheck (or less) away from serious financial disaster, it is time for a reality check.

I have not been the best financial manager of my money in the past. However, after dealing with breast cancer for the past year and a half and realizing that its really up to me (and me alone) to handle everything that is coming my way, I am taking things a lot more seriously. It is really difficult balancing work-life issues with a chronic illness. It is even more challenging to navigate the financial strain that being sick can place on your life.  Even though I am at a crossroad right now between going all out and following my dreams and remaining under the self-imposed pressure of doing the "right" thing... I am clear that the balancing act is possible.

When I was in the hospital for my surgery, I had a very memorable conversation with one of my nurses. She was a breast cancer survivor and a really sweet lady. A single parent of five kids, she worked the late night shift at the hospital. During one of my really down moments, she shared her story with me and helped me to see that despite the concerns that I was having at that moment, I was going to be okay. I told her that I was worried about the choice I had made in procedures and was wondering whether it would have been better to have implants. She had gotten implants and one of her implants was leaking and needed to be replaced. However, because she was the sole source of income for her family, she could not afford to take the time off from work to take care of her implant. She was monitoring it closely but she just was not in a position to stop and have things fixed.

How crazy is it that a health care worker cannot afford to really care for her own health? I thought about her for weeks following my surgery (and she still crosses my mind from time to time) because being sick is about so much more than health insurance to cover the costs of procedures and prescriptions... it is also about reduced money (assuming that you have and are eligible for disability payments), finding the strength (or the assistance) with your household duties while you recuperate and more. This lady probably had decent health insurance but it was the weeks off from work recuperating that were making her put her health on a back burner. Who would take care of her five kids while she lay in bed for weeks recuperating? Who would help her take care of her bills while her income was reduced?

I was, and still am, floored by how much this disease can take from you. How much it can alter your entire life story... in a moment. I don't have an answer to finding the balance between taking care of yourself and respecting your obligations... but I am searching.

In the meantime, I am preparing myself and tightening my belts and figuring out which dreams to follow first. And how I can afford to do so.

Fluid Around The Lungs

My January 25 CT scan showed an increase of fluid around my lungs. I was a bit surprised because during the month of December I was feeling so good. I was coughing very little and didn’t have any real signs of shortness of breath. Well recently things have changed. I have been coughing a bit more and have been experiencing some shortness of breath ... like when I come up from the basement after putting laundry in, I need to sit and rest a short while.

Last night I was hoping to get a good night’s sleep so I took some Benadryl before going to bed. What I find with Benadryl is that it settles my cough down and allows me to breathe easier therefore allowing me to fall asleep faster. Well it worked, I fell asleep real easy but I ended up waking myself with a wheezing sound coming from my lungs ... almost a whistling sound. I shifted my position a couple of times ... which stopped that annoying noise. Sounds coming from my lungs is common for me ... I often experience a crackling or wheezing sounds when I lay down to sleep but last night it was loud enough to wake me up.

Anyways, I’m sure hoping that fluid starts going down.

Lance Armstrong Is Coming To Edmonton

Just wanted to let you all know that Lance Armstrong is coming to Edmonton ... ok its months away but I’m excited. He and the LiveStrong Foundation will be working with the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation to help raise funds for the awareness of breast cancer.

He will be in Edmonton for two day on August 25th - 26th. I hope to get a glimpse of him when he comes.

Another thing I’d like to mention about Lance’s organization is that they put together a quarterly magazine called Armstrong Quarterly. I’ve signed up for the free on-line version. It’s very cool and informative.

I'm a bit of a fan ...

things i wish i had thought about/planned for before 40

My birthday is coming. Its not for a few months so you have time to prepare your good wishes. But as I've been planning my celebrations (yes, multiple... I LOVE my birthday), I've also been thinking a lot about my life and what's in store for me.

I've always been smart but not necessarily quick. Meaning, repetition is really my friend. I have to hear/see/do something a lot of times before it really sinks in. I would call that slow... (laughs) but, its not really that. I just don't believe everything at first blush. Experience has been my biggest teacher and though I've fallen on my butt more than a few times, I still do dumb things because sometimes I just feel like it. But this post isn't about that. Well, not entirely.

I will be 41 on my next birthday. Shhh.... you won't hear me say that again. If you ask, I'm going to be 28, again. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Oohhh... got off track... okay.

At this point, of course, I can look back and see a lot of life that I've lived and a lot of mistakes I have made. Those are good things. I can also look back and see where I didn't quite do some of the things I probably should have, or didn't pay attention to things that ended up being important. And while I know that hindsight is 20/20... I thought I'd do a little countdown of the

Top Ten Things I wish I had thought about or planned for before I turned 40.

1. I wish I had really given thought to the fact that fertility is for a limited time. Real basic concept, right? Though I knew this logically, I didn't think about it in a serious way until it was late. The years that I should have been thinking about having kids, I was really trying hard NOT to have kids. No regrets -- and no pictures either. :)
2. I wish that I had focused more on my desire to be a writer. I LOVE writing. Absolutely, positively... few things bring me more joy than just tapping away on my keyboard or jotting something down in my journal. Unfortunately, my freshman year of college I was DEEPLY DISTURBED by the expected salaries of writers and journalists and chose to focus my skills in other areas. That was a bad move on my part. My soul is the soul of an artist and I absolutely detest working in corporate environments. Follow your joy...
3. I wish that I had found a way to become more athletic. Weird right? I'm not competitive but I think I would have gained a lot by doing some team sports and also by learning to incorporate physical activity into my life on a regular basis. Though I can't see myself as a credible addition to anyone's sports team, I could have been a lovely dancer. Dancing made me very happy.
4. I wish that I had really understood how much courage it took for _____ to ask me to marry him. (You know I won't mention any names...) I wasn't ready for what I thought marriage was, but the fact that he considered me is an honor that I think about all the time. I hate that when we ended, I don't think he really knew how much he meant or how much it meant to me that he wanted me to be his wife.
5. I wish that I knew that I could trust my parents with my secrets. Something happened to me when I was a kid that I never told anyone until I was 35. Holding that secret for all that time changed who I was deep down on the inside. And when it finally came out, it changed everything all over again. Secrets = sickness. Let it go.
6. I wish that I was comfortable being the pretty one. I was the awkward kid for so long that when I finally emerged as the pretty girl, I couldn't see her. Do you know how many opportunities I passed up because I didn't believe that I looked good enough to even try? Ugh. I AM beautiful.
7. I wish that I had not flunked out of college. Yes -- I am admitting one of my biggest failures. I flunked out of the University of Maryland because I was overwhelmed, scared and not prepared for that level of work. I am glad that I eventually went back to school (and ended up choosing a different college that was a better fit) but I wish that I had found a way to make it through UMCP.
8. I wish that I had never messed up my credit when I was in college. WOW... this is a big one. I want to blame my bad financial habits on those predatory credit card companies who used to stage all around the student union. While they played a part in my misery, it wasn't all their fault. Had I had sound understanding of basic budgetary concepts, I probably would not have fallen behind the 8-ball in my 20's. (Note to self: when you're paying credit card bills for meals, clothing and entertainment costs for your trifling boyfriend YEARS after that sucka is gone... you need a new plan) Stay on top of your credit, live beneath your means and save, save, save.
9. I wish that I truly realized how fragile good health is. One of my favorite lines from my favorite movie (Its a wonderful life) is ... "youth is wasted on the young...". When you're young and healthy, you think that it will always be that way and that it is that way for everyone. Neither is true. Breast cancer has changed my paradigm forever. Stay healthy, eat well, get enough sleep, drink lots of water. And not a lot of alcohol. (laughs) And do your monthly breast self-exams. Its important.
10. I wish that I stopped making excuses for why I couldn't move overseas, or to another state, or quit a job I hated... or anything that I wanted to do and decided it wasn't the right thing to do. Who cares? Being single and child-free has to have some benefit, right? I should be living in a small house in Africa RIGHT NOW... looking at my passport with stamps and visas from a million places. Instead, my passport is clean and I'm sitting at home. Whatever it is you're hesitating to do... make a plan, and make it happen. Go!

I could go on... but really, there's no reason to. Though I wish I had thought these things through and done things a little different, I am cool with my life. Even the breast cancer portion of the program.

Finally, the training wheels are coming OFF this ride. :)