A Comic with Cancer … Video

Mack Dryden is a comic, a motivational speaker and two-time cancer survivor. And real funny.

Summer Fun

This afternoon I have my PICC line dressing change at the clinic and then D and I are going to find a restaurant on the ever popular Whyte Avenue. We both enjoy the noisy cars and motorcycles and the pedestrian traffic that goes by. Could be there a while.

We’re taking the dog with us so it will have to be a restaurant that’s pokes out onto the sidewalk. We are having some really nice weather here and I don’t want to see any of it wasted. 

Yesterday I had a busy day and it showed itself today. I woke up this morning, had toast and coffee and back to bed for a snooze. I was out as soon as my head hit the pillow. Now I’m feeling really refreshed and looking forward to getting out and having some fun.

No Chemo Tomorrow

I just got back from having blood work and seeing the Onc. Unfortunately, I have no chemo tomorrow because my neutrophils are too low. They are at .6 and need to be at a minimum of 1.5 in order for me to have my Vinorelbine infusion. D and I have noticed I’m a bit more tired than usual … I guess that explains it.

My Onc said we are still going to go ahead and book a CT scan sometimes in the next couple of weeks. We’ll go over the results when I see him next on August 19th.

Pink Podiums for Breast Cancer Awareness

I was asked to do a shout-out to the Pink Podium Promise. As per their website …

AmpliVox Sound Systems supports the fight against breast cancer by donating pink podiums designed in breast cancer awareness pink with custom panels highlighting the hope for a cure, awareness, and giving.

NORTHBROOK, IL--(AmpliVox - December 29, 2009) - AmpliVox announced an unprecedented corporate campaign to support the cause for Breast Cancer Awareness. To raise the bar on “being heard”, AmpliVox is donating one pink podium to every breast cancer awareness related presentation or event. The Pink Podium Promise program will help to connect with new audiences and heighten the awareness and education on the importance of the early detection of breast cancer.

The Pink Podium is the Pinnacle Multimedia Hard Shell Plastic Podium, a virtually indestructible hard plastic lectern that can survive tough abuse indoors or outdoors. To request a Pink Podium, contact Nancy Gerstein, at 847-401-0384 or nancy@creativemarketingassociatesinc.com.

For more details click here.

Okay... so I'm not totally over wanting to have a baby

I actually believed that I had moved to a place of acceptance about not having children. When I started this breast cancer journey, I was told that the treatment could very likely leave me infertile. Because of the timing -- my cancer was found in an advanced stage and determined to be very aggressive -- I did not feel that there was time (or money) to invest in fertility treatments like egg harvesting. I opted to have my ovaries put to sleep so that the chemotherapy wouldn't ruin them entirely. The hope was that after I completed my therapy regimen, my ovaries would return to normal function and I could go on my way with having children.

I finished my chemotherapy treatment about a year and a half ago. Still no menstrual cycle over here. While a big part of me is rather happy about that, for all of the discomfort that your period may bring to your life... not having one means that your body is not releasing eggs to be fertilized either. In other words... fertility is still at zero for me.

In the time since I've finished chemo, I've dated a few guys and had some long talks with myself about the likelihood that I will never have babies. Before cancer I believed that I wouldn't have kids because I had not found Mr. Right. (shrug) Now it seems that even if I find him (or he finds me), kids of my own are not an option.

I thought I was okay with that. But I realized that I am not as okay as I thought. One of my oldest and dearest friends is expecting. Twins no less. I would be lying if I said I wasn't excited for my friend and his wife. I am beyond thrilled for them. They will be wonderful parents. But when I looked at some pictures of the nursery that they have prepared for their bundles of joy... I wept. I could not help but feel a twinge of envy. I had to ask myself how long I was prepared to feel saddened when someone I knew had a child. I had to ask myself hard questions like... would it even be fair to have a child knowing that cancer could very well come back in my life and could easily shorten the lifetime I have left? There are no easy answers because life just isn't promised to any of us. Anything can happen and life can be different in the twinkling of an eye.

I am just annoyed (yet again) that I feel grief over something because of breast cancer. At some point... this all just has to stop.

The Best PICC Line Cover Ever

Last Friday when I was getting my PICC line redressed at the clinic, I was wearing my latest PICC line cover. The nurse noticed it and said … I love it, love it, love it. She also said, that I should patent it. I kind of giggled at that. Attached the pic.

It’s taken me far too many tries to get this thing right but I’m really close now. I’ve tried all sorts of yarns and needle sizes. First off, I was making them way too big. Second, what I’ve found with most yarns is that the yarn doesn’t hold its shape at all… the cover stretches out and slips down in no time.

Finally I came upon Cascade yarn, which is used for making socks. It’s the best; a 98.3% cotton blend, and 1.7% elastic. And it holds its shape really well.

So here’s what I’ve found that works best for me … for my arm size which is 11.5 inch in circumference, I cast on 44 stitches using 12 inch circular needles, size 3.5mm (US 4). It should always be a snug fit but not too tight.

If anyone is interested, I would be more than willing to share the pattern or any of the wisdom I’ve garnered, just send me a quick email.

The Fight Continues

This has been a weekend filled with sad news on two fronts. There is a new cancer diagnosis in my family, my niece’s husband, a young man of 34 with two small children. My niece and nephew are in another city and I don’t know how I can help just yet.

And the loss of two fellow cancer bloggers, over this past week … Raden Galoh from OneBreastBouncing and Barry Fraser from An Explorer’s View of Life. Each has lost their brave long fight... I’ll truly miss you both …a lot. 

Sometimes it can be mentally hard to keep it all positive. To help me out, I like this well-done music video about a personal fight. Why? Because it moves me…and maybe you too.

How am I Doing?

I’m feeling really good today. I had a great sleep last night. I took two Benadryl just before bed and I think that helped me. Not sure if it relieves the symptoms of my allergies which allows me to sleep better or it acts as a sedative. Whatever it is … I’m thankful for it.

I find I’m still agitated and moody at times. I think that has a lot to do with the fear I am experiencing. Back in April, my Onc said my treatment options are very limited. In fact Vinorelbine which is what I’m on now is pretty well my last option for treatment. If this fails he is going to put me on compassion care. I’ll be honest, that is weighting very heavy on my mind. 

Thursday I see the Onc and with this being my third cycle on Vinorelbine, I’m pretty sure he is going to book a CT scan for me.

Pink Warrior Song

As taken off the YouTube site ...

(Yes! This is the song on the Komen 3 Day ads coast to coast!) Every 99 cent download is a donation to Komen for the Cure! Candy and her producer are donating ALL of their profits from purchase of "Pink Warrior" to Susan G. Komen for the Cure to help in their fight against breast cancer. Downloads can be found on iTunes, Napster, bgtn9-20, Walmart.com, BandBox....

For more, go to www.CandyCoburn.com!

And for the lyrics ... click here.

Shout Out To ~ Sweetest Thing Fundraiser in Support of Cedars CanSupport in Montreal

I received this email and thought I'd share it with you ...

Hi Daria!

Please find attached a press release detailing the Sweetest Thing Fundraiser in support of Cedars CanSupport in Montreal. This fundraiser will turn heads and take a big step to helping out those with cancer and their fight to get better and live better.

Both parts for this fundraiser will be held at the JUST FOR LAUGH'S MUSEUM in Montreal.

Saturday August 14th - The Benefit Show 7:30pm $35/ticket

Sunday August 15th - The Cancer Benefit Workshops 10am $10/ticket

90% of all money and proceeds raised will go to Cedars CanSupport.

Our goal is to raise $25,000 with these two events. Please join in and lend a helping hand.

**All media are invited to attend this event at our expense. If you are interested please reply to notify us so we can set aside a press pass for you.

Chrissy Guerard

Fundraiser Founder

The Sweetest Thing Fundraiser

514.246.9466

christynaguerard@gmail.com

christyna.guerard@corusent.com

FUNDRAISER WEBSITE: http://www.wix.com/misschrissy0509/TheSweetestThingFundraiser

FUNDRAISER NETWORKING GROUP: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=243243865352&ref=ts

CANSUPPORT: http://www.cedars.ca/cedars/en/cansupport/who_we_are

My panties are in a bunch

Okay, so you know the saying... "don't get your panties in a bunch"? It generally means don't get excited over small things. But in this case I think I'm justified over my excitement.

Breast cancer plays a wicked trick on your sex drive. While you're in treatment (chemotherapy, radiation), your body may be a little too fragile to really engage in sex. The head trip about dealing with your mortality and the difficulty of seeing the changes in your body can also reduce your libido. Add to that, after the treatments and surgeries end you could be pushed into menopause -- a time where your body naturally drifts into a lower sex drive -- and you could have a recipe for some bunched up dry panties.

(laughs)  I'm just saying.

I think I'm in a different category though because I can't say that my sex drive has diminished. In fact, it seems to heat up a little bit more every month. Which presents a challenge for me. I read somewhere that for breast cancer patients/survivors the old adage, use it or lose it really does apply. The drugs used to treat our cancer often affect our vaginas in several ways: the skin gets thinner, intercourse can become painful and our personal lubrication may diminish or dry up completely. Reading that information made me cringe. I like sex. Didn't always but I definitely do now. And I'd hate to lose the ability to engage in wonderful sex, complete with powerful orgasms just because I didn't have anyone to work it out with. But, right now, I don't.

So what's a girl to do? (laughs) Well, you know... (blushing)... you get to know yourself. I've become quite proficient at loving myself and I'm waiting for a delivery of some additional items to take that self-love to a different level.

All jokes aside, masturbation is a natural thing and the reality of being the single girl breast cancer survivor is that you still are a sexual being. I think that my regular doses of self-love are assisting me in reconnecting my new body to my old sense of sexiness and sensuality. Things are different, to be sure, but there's still a whole world to discover and explore over here.

So... my panties are definitely in a bunch. But its a good thing.

Benadryl … What a Relief

We just got back from a four-day trip to southern Alberta to visit family. Monday night I woke up at 2:00am with a splitting headache and was up for a few hours tossing and turning. Finally, I decided to get up and take half an Ativan pill, two Benadryl and I pulled out some earplugs. I slept like a baby for the next five hours. Lovely!

I think this chemo makes me extra allergy sensitive. So for the next couple of days, I took two Benadryl, morning, noon and nite. What a relief that was, my headaches were gone or nearly gone.

Benadryl really works for me … I feel as tho I’m doing a commercial.

Living Beyond Breast Cancer Annual Fall Conference

As per their website ...

Join Living Beyond Breast Cancer for our annual fall conference, News You Can Use: Breast Cancer Updates for Living Well, from 9:00 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. on Saturday, November 13, 2010, at the Loews Philadelphia Hotel. Travel grants and fee waivers are available. At this event, you will:

• Learn about cutting-edge treatments for early-stage and metastatic breast cancer
• Hear how to get involved in clinical research to better serve diverse communities
•  Understand how to enhance your quality of life using standard and complementary methods
• Find out how to minimize side effects
•  Get advice on how to cope with your emotional concerns
• Connect with speakers, exhibitors and other women and caregivers

During two plenary sessions and twelve workshops, get the information and support you need to live well before, during and after breast cancer treatment. You’ll also enjoy visiting with exhibitors, asking questions of health-care providers with expertise in breast cancer and connecting with women and families at a networking lunch and evening reception. 

For more information and to register ...click here.

I'm having Lunch with Lance Armstrong

Guess what? I'm having lunch in Edmonton with Tour de France champion and cancer survivor Lance Armstrong. He begins his first trip to Edmonton with a noon hour luncheon at the Shaw Conference Center on Wednesday, August 25. 

As per the LinkPink website ...

Lance will share his message of leadership, hope and inspiration, followed by a question and answer session. The voice of cycling, Phil Liggett will also be in attendance, serving as Master of Ceremonies for what promises to be a very special and inspirational event in support of the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation – Prairies/NWT Region.

I purchased my tickets today. For more information and how to purchase yours, click here.

I think I miss my fat belly

I'm still getting accustomed to my new boobies. I have been reminiscing and recollecting a lot about this journey the past couple of days. Realizing just how much I've been through, how much change I'm endured and how emotional this trip has been in its entirety. While I do like my new boobies and I am finding them to be quite satisfactory at this point, I do think about my body before breast cancer and I miss it.

Including my fat belly. I really miss that soft, squishy part of myself. When I opted for the TRAM-flap reconstruction, the largest selling point for me was that my breast would be constructed from my own tissue and I would not have to endure an implant. I know that many women opt for implants and are happy with their decisions. I think that its great that there are options for all of us to consider actually. For me, the thought of going from a natural H cup to any type of implant seemed just above and beyond what I could fathom for myself. I just didn't want any other foreign object in my body.

The fact that the TRAM-flap would also give me what amounted to a nice little tummy tuck was a bonus. I figured that it was a pretty good trade-off for the 12+ hour surgery and the 2-3 months recuperation time that I needed afterwards. I had hoped that the new breast and the flat tummy would propel me farther down the lane of recapturing my sexiness. It hasn't exactly done that though.

My tummy, while flatter, is not FLAT. And even all these months later, there is still a significant area that is numb. I have a belly button but I forget about it a lot because I can't feel it. (Although the numbness is making me consider getting it pierced actually.) I guess I didn't really think about what I would look like after the surgery. I assumed that I would be slim and trim with perky new boobies. When the truth is that while flatter, my tummy isn't flat and in order to get my body to look the way that I picture it in my head... I'm going to have to work out and eat better.

Gag. (laughs) I'm starting with yoga and running a couple of days a week. I'll tell you how it goes.

All in all, while I miss my belly a bit I am growing increasingly happy with my breasts. I can only hope that soon I will be happy with everything I see in the mirror and I won't keep having these "remember when" flashbacks.

Update on Vinorelbine Side Effects

After my Vinorelbine infusion on Friday, I had the regular side effects … a bit of nausea and the chills and a bit agitated. I also think this chemo makes me more sensitive to everything else too. It all just feels more intense. Voices are louder, lights are brighter, traffic is more annoying, and the TV commercials drive me crazy; they’re so loud. There isn’t much I can do but go into the basement where it’s cool and quiet. Last night before bed, D was in the bedroom digging for something in a plastic bag. His digging sounded so loud I had to throw a pillow over my head to muffle the sound. 

I’ve had a headache every day. Tylenol helps take the worst of it away but it lingers throughout the day. I woke up numerous times last night … again with a headache. 

I must say tho… after a few morning coffees and some breakfast, I’m thinking today is going to be a better day.

Shout Out To ~ Kids with Cancer Fundraiser

What: R.C.M.P. Musical Ride and Equestrian Extravaganza

Where: Amberlea Meadows, Edmonton, AB

When: July 23rd @ 7:00 pm. and July 24th @ 2:00 pm. 

Gates open 2 hours prior to each performance

Please bring your entire family to enjoy pony rides, make extravagant stick horses, purchase R.C.M.P. Musical Ride souvenirs, visit vendors, and much more, all the while enjoying the beautiful grounds of Amberlea Meadows!

Price of admission: $10.00 ($10.00 + $2.75 fees)

Tickets must be purchased in advance through Ticket Master. click here

100% of ALL proceeds will be gifted to Kids with Cancer

Seating is general ‘picnic-style’. Please bring your lawn chairs and blankets.

Click here for more information.

Chemo with a Twist

My BC friend A told me about an article in the Edmonton Journal article entitled, ‘Home Chemotherapy Eases Patients' Anxiety’ where you can have chemo at home. Here is an excerpt from the article …

In February 2009, Dr. Karen King, an oncologist at the Cross Cancer Institute, launched a one-year pilot project to test how patients did after getting chemotherapy treatment while they sat on their own couches or armchairs. Australia has an established program of home chemo and it's also offered in the United Kingdom and France. While there are no rigorous studies on such programs to statistically show patients live longer or do better, researchers have found patients typically want to stay home where they feel much more safe and comfortable.

I guess some of the advantages of having chemo at home include: avoiding some of the anxiety or gastric issues associated with going in for treatment, not having to worry about someone driving you back and forth to the appointment, not having to travel while you are experiencing the ill effects of the chemo and finally, just being home to hold the fort, to take care of children and other family duties.

I had my regular chemo infusion yesterday and I prefer to have it at a medical facility. Go in, get it done and go home. I am fortunate to be in a situation where that works best for me… however, I can certainly understand how under different circumstances I might see it differently.

You never know how folks think about your breast cancer

The other day I received a request from a former boyfriend for my cellphone number. I wasn't surprised to hear from him, since we have remained friends in the years that have passed since we dated. However, I was surprised to see a request for my phone number. Most people who know me well, know that I'm not the biggest telephone person these days. (something I'm sure would make my parents laugh considering how long I used to have the phone glued to the side of my head when I was a teenager)

So the request for my number immediately made me wonder what was going on in his life that he needed to actually speak to me and hear my voice. I was then surprised to receive a text message from him a short while later. This particular ex-boyfriend is rather eccentric. And I don't mean that in a "he's a weirdo" sort of way. But I mean that he has a very unique perspective on life and he finds the most abstract things funny or interesting... or whatever. So, receiving unusual notes and pictures from him is pretty normal. I expect for him to send me something I've never seen or heard of before... something I probably would not have noticed had it not been brought to my attention by him.

Imagine my surprise when I opened the text message and it was a picture of a woman lying on her back -- with her breasts exposed. She was a very pretty young woman with fairly large breasts. There was something vaguely familiar about her look. While I was trying to process why he sent me that picture, I realized that he had sent a message as well.

Subject line was: Reminds
Body of message in the text:  me of you. Hope you're not offended.

(laughs)  Seems that my ex came across this picture -- I didn't ask how -- and the woman in the picture reminded him of me. It would be odd except he and I have had a few conversations over the past couple of years about my breast cancer and how the treatment has affected me (physically and emotionally). I found myself staring at this young woman and I realized that she really did look a bit like me... skin color, hairstyle, and breast size. Well... she reminds me of who I used to be.

My reaction was complicated. I laughed (because only this guy would do something like this). I smiled. I thought that she was pretty. And then I sighed because I realized that I no longer looked like that. She had an innocence in her face (yes, while she was laying there half-naked) that I don't think I have anymore.  And she also had breasts that were significantly larger than what I have now. It made me remember (in a different way) how much I have changed because of the breast cancer.

As I looked at the picture, I realized that I was a little envious of the way she looked. Her breasts were perfect, although large. And they were obviously hers and not fakes because they had a "flow" to them (that's the best way I can describe it). As you age and grow, your breasts lose some of that little girl/young woman perkiness and they soften such that they sort of flow a bit on your body. They give you a softness that I often find missing from women with artificial breasts.

When I did look that way, I didn't appreciate the way that I looked. I had a complaint and a worry about everything. I never thought much about how it may have appeared to someone else... I worried that I wasn't pretty enough most of the time. (tragic waste of time and energy I know now) It was sort of empowering to know that at one time I was so lovely and someone remembered me that way.

I replied by text that it was a good laugh and I remembered when I did look that way. And I thanked him for even thinking of me after all of these years. He then called to hear my voice and to find out how I was really feeling... after all this time with treatment and surgeries and ... stuff.  That made me feel good too because even after all this time, I like to know that people still think about me from time to time.

You never know how your stuff will affect someone else. And something like breast cancer affects you so deeply and changes who you are and who you think you are and who you can be... that when someone takes a moment to remind you that you were (and therefore still are) a beautiful person... its simply a touching moment.

(the picture above is an edited version of the picture he sent me... )

Shout Out To ~ Empowerment Rally hosted by Cancer Treatment Centers of America

I received this email from Deanna and I want to share her news about the upcoming online discussion from Chicago …

Hello Daria,

I follow your blog, and wanted to reach out on behalf of the Cancer Treatment Centers of America (CTCA). Next Friday, July 23, we’ll be hosting an online Empowerment Rally featuring a diverse group of five cancer survivors/advocates participating in a roundtable discussion on patient empowerment. The Rally is a platform for the voice of these five survivors to discuss what mattered most in their cancer care, choosing the best treatment facility and sources of empowerment during their cancer journey. One participant is a Hodgkin’s lymphoma survivor, three participants are breast cancer survivors, and the final participant is a brain cancer survivor. All participants received treatment at different cancer centers across the United States, bringing unique cancer care perspectives and experiences to the table.

We hope you can view our live stream of the event (and/or participate by posting questions for our moderator) by visiting www.livestream.com/cancercenter. I’ve listed key details below including date, time, RSVP information, participant social networking information, and more information about the new CTCA Patient Empowered Care model.

Questions explored might include: What does it mean to be an empowered patient? What made these survivors feel empowered throughout their journeys? How did they choose the treatment that was right/best for them? What helped them feel informed and more in control during their journey? How were they involved in their treatment decisions?

We are happy to coordinate interviews with any of the participating survivors. See below for details, and please share with any friends and family that might be interested. The more the merrier!

Best regards,

Deanna

Empowerment Rally Details

What:

Empowerment Rally hosted by Cancer Treatment Centers of America (CTCA)

When:

Friday, July 23, 2010

3:30-4:30 p.m. (Eastern Time) / 2:30-3:30 p.m. (Central Time)

Tune in to a live stream of event:

The Rally will be streamed live online at www.livestream.com/cancercenter

Mark it on your calendar, share it with your friends and family, and log-on to participate!

RSVP:

To Deanna Every (devery@vaultcommunications.com or 610-455-2748)

Or, via Facebook at our event page:

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=138057396219308&ref=mf

Participants:

Joe Bacal – Hodgkin’s lymphoma survivor

Facebook: www.facebook.com/controlamidchaos
Twitter: @cntrlamidchaos and @joebacal

Lani Horn – breast cancer survivor
Website: http://www.chemobabe.com
Facebook Page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/ChemoBabe/210968797226
Facebook Profile: http://www.facebook.com/lani.horn
Twitter: @chemo_babe

Mel Majoros – breast cancer survivor
Blog: http://www.thecancerwarrior.blogspot.com/
Podcast: http://www.empoweradio.com/home/shows/cancer-warrior/367-The-Cancer-Warrior.html
Facebook Profile: http://www.facebook.com/melmajoros
Twitter: @melmajoros

Jody Schoger – breast cancer survivor
Blog: http://womenwcancer.blogspot.com/
Facebook Profile: http://www.facebook.com/jodyschoger
Twitter: @jodyms

Matt Zachary – brain cancer survivor
Website: http://i2y.com
Facebook Page: http://www.facebook.com/stupidcancer
Facebook Profile: http://www.facebook.com/matthewzachary
Twitter: @stupidcancer

The BC Support Coffee Group

Yesterday, the 5 of the 6 gals had our bi-weekly get-together. As usual, we had a few good laughs. What is really fun about our group is that our memories are terrible and our attention span is very poor so it seems our conversations go in six different directions… all at the same time. Sometimes we have to reel each other in to help stay on topic. Here are a couple of yesterday’s funny tangents.

C said she’s not happy because she can’t travel until mid September because she had a medication change and travel insurance is through the roof unless six months goes by. A said, well those couple of months will go by before you know it. J said, you can’t go anywhere until we have our summer garden party. Well when’s that? We have to organize it first. Ok, let’s organize it. Well we can’t have it until my sister leaves visiting from England. Great, when’s that? I can’t remember but I’ll check my organizer. J looks in her purse and says … oh no, I forgot it on the kitchen table … we all just cracked up.

And then we started talking how we can’t remember where we put stuff around the house. A said she is afraid to rearrange the cupboards because she won’t remember where she put things. It’s best if the stuff stays where it’s at because if she moves it … it’s lost. Well speaking of lost …. C says, you know I put those darn … you know … those breast things… they’re somewhere and do you think I can find them? That did it … we all just roared over that one.

Tooting my Own Horn

My blog was mentioned in an article entitled, “Cancer Survivors Discover the Power of Blogging” in the latest edition of National Cancer Institute bulletin. To read the article, go to http://www.cancer.gov/ncicancerbulletin/071310/page7.

Here is a bit of information about the National Cancer Institute bulletin as taken from their website...

The NCI Cancer Bulletin is a biweekly online newsletter designed to provide useful, timely information about cancer research to the cancer community. The newsletter is published approximately 24 times per year by the National Cancer Institute (NCI), with day-to-day operational oversight conducted by federal and contract staff in the NCI Office of Communications and Education.

To subscribe to the bulletin, follow this link http://www.cancer.gov/cbsubscribe.aspx.

My Cancer Diagnosis Shook Me to the Core

What I want people to know is that being told you have cancer; shakes you to the core. It’s such a kick in the teeth emotionally. It’s the wake-up call no one wants …. You are going to die and probably sooner than you’d hoped. No longer could I take life for granted. 

So how else did this affect me? … well, it forced me to reflect on who I am and what I have been doing with my life. I ended up spending a lot of time looking back through the years, how I came to be where I am now. I felt proud and happy of my accomplishments, disappointed and sad at some poor choices and decisions. And … I grieve for the future that won’t be.

A few things I know for sure … the future I do have is all of a sudden a bit clearer. I know what I want to do. I still have a few things I want to accomplish and I especially know I want to live the rest of my life as calm and stress free as possible. I figure that much of the drama in life can be avoided and avoid it I do. I do it by downsizing and simplifying my life, by spending time with people who support my healing and by being more kind to myself. I just put more trust in myself and started following my heart. Wow what a concept!

Cancer is a life altering experience that forced me to question everything in my life. After nearly two years, I think I’ve regained some of the power I had given away to the universe. I have become more trusting of myself and for those reasons I think I am a stronger person.

Lingerie shopping... taking back my femininity and my someday

For a weekend where I really didn't do much... it turned out to be somewhat eventful. I felt really happy on Friday when I left work. I was planning to meet a couple of friends for drinks, and hopeful that I would see another friend later in the evening. I had been pondering and wondering whether or not I was ready to be fitted for a new bra.

I decided that I was ready. The swelling has gone down significantly on my breasts from the surgery and I thought that purchasing something really nice -- while getting fitted properly -- would kick off my weekend in a great way.

I scooted out of work with enough time to stop by this uber-chic European lingerie store downtown. I've been there before (years ago) but I've never ever purchased anything there. In the past, it was primarily because they didn't carry my size. (The sales lady told me that once when I walked in with sort of a sneer on her face... ahhh... don't you just love being snubbed when you want to spend your money?) But also because the prices are ... well devastatingly outrageous.

This isn't the run of the mill Victoria's Secret shop that you find at every mall across the nation. This store... is "special" (she says with a whisper of awe and a lilt of glee). I won't put the name on this post because I have NO plans to direct any traffic their way. But its still a really nice store.

You know how some people are fascinated by the store windows in New York during the Christmas holidays? This store's window fascinates me the same way. I've always been a tall girl. And for a good portion of my adult life, I've been a pretty thick girl (not fat...not that there's anything wrong with that). So, I'm accustomed to seeing things sometimes that I know are not or have not been designed with someone like me in mind. I'm pretty cool with that I suppose. I've always had a secret wish to either be much taller -- so I can completely stand out of the crowd -- or to be much smaller, so that I can be instantly thought of as sweet and petite. (There's a level of feminism that petite women seem to have locked down, that is rarely shown or thought of when you're a larger and/or taller woman)

But like I said, this store FASCINATES me with its window display. The lingerie in the window is always so very beautiful and colorful. It looks ephemeral... like its as light as an angel's feather. The lingerie never looks trashy or cheap or hooker-ish. It always gives me the sighs... and I look at the window and think... "if I can get something from there I will FEEL like a lady and it will probably radiate outwardly and guys will treat me more like a girl and less like one of the guys".

Yes. That long azz sentence runs through my mind whenever I see the window of this store. Right now, I'm closing my eyes and envisioning the beautiful pink and white lacy set that was in the window the other day. (sigh) So, like I was saying. On Friday afterwork, I felt that because I was in the mindset of reclaiming and celebrating my dreams I should go to this store and feel like a lady for a little while. I walked in and looked around briefly and asked to be fitted. I explained to the ladies that I was a breast cancer survivor and I had no idea what size my new breasts were. Interestingly enough I was not wearing a bra when I walked in their shop -- something that seemed quite distasteful to those two little ladies. (laugh) Whatever.

I went into the dressing room and the older lady came in with her measuring tape. I will give her credit. She did not gasp when I slid my dress straps down. Her face did not reflect any shock or surprise. I figured out later on that she was uncomfortable with my nipple-less noobie. (noobie = new boobie) First of all, my complaints and concerns that my boobies were small were wrong. I am a respectable F cup (that's a DDD in the US). So, that made me feel a bit better. Secondly, (and I knew this part) there are some gorgeous items for ladies my size. (smile)

My sales assistant brought me two or three very nice but quite non-fancy bras to start with. She chose them because they were smooth and could be worn under all types of outfits without showing. I tried them on and they were definitely prettier than the lounging bras I've been wearing while I'm healing...but they weren't "pretty pretty" like the display items. I liked them but not enough to purchase.

I asked her to bring me something "pretty pretty" preferably an exotic color or something with embroidered flowers... I wanted something that when I closed my eyes to remember what I had on under my clothes... I would smile. I want that secret "my lingerie ROCKS" smile to be a permanent fixture on my face.

She brought me the prettiest lavender lace bra that I've ever seen. It is simply gorgeous. Almost too pretty to wear actually. And I asked for matching panties -- though I suspected that they didn't have them in my size. I was wrong. She found something that worked. It is so pretty. I purchased the lavender set and also a beautiful black lacy bra -- I think every woman should have one black bra that is so lacy and frilly that she snickers every time she thinks of it and her lover can't wait to catch a glimpse of it when she is dressing or undressing. I think that should be an adult rite of passage. Anyhoo...

I get to the register, heady with cherubs and hummingbirds dancing around my head... (like I'm in a cartoon or something) and I realized that I was overspending but I didn't dare stop myself. This was more than just buying some bras and panties to get through the day or the week. This was another step for me to becoming more girly and lady-like. I was not going to refuse myself the opportunity to feel great.

So I handed my card and made my purchase. Did I mention that this place was tres snooty? When the receipt printed, there were TWO places to sign. One, the regular signature to approve the purchase. And the other was a signature line stating that you read the return policy and agreed to it.

*blink blink* Whatever...

I was soooo heady and happy that I laughed to myself and signed... twice. (shrug) And I jetted off to the other side of town for happy hour. Now, my evening did not go as planned but it was still good. I was happy with my investment and in a good frame of mind. I showed my new purchases to a couple of female friends at the bar and they sort of made me question my purchase. They thought my items were pretty until they saw the pricetag and then they were shocked that anyone would spend that much on underwear. Especially if you could get something equally as pretty a lot cheaper.

Their thoughts and comments stuck with me for the rest of the night and I started to wonder if I just had FOOL written on my forehead. And then I remembered an email (that has circulated for many years) and I remembered that my purchase wasn't about being appropriate but it was a chance for me to appreciate myself.

The reality for me right now is that no one will probably see me in these beautiful lacy garments anytime soon. But I know that when I do choose to wear them, I will be as pretty on the inside of my clothes as I hope I appear on the outside. I know that now when people look at me they don't see a breast cancer survivor. They just see a woman, walking down the street or riding the subway. I don't even wear my breast cancer pins anymore. I am simply... Nicole again. But on the inside, I am truly different -- even with two boobs again and I feel that I have to really honor that feminine spirit within. Truly bow down and respect what it means to be a lady, what it means to be a girl, what it means to be feminine. I know men don't usually think this... but its hard being a girl today. It is extra hard being a breast cancer survivor girl trying to reclaim her "sexy swagger" while sporting one nipple-less noobie. Its a tall order and whew... sometimes I just am not up to the challenge. But I realized when my sales assistant kept clucking about hiding my scar within the cup of my bra... that I am DAMN PROUD of my scar. No, its not pretty but so what. Like I told her, never mind that scar what matters is that I'm here. And if that scar wasn't there... I would not be here.

My first instinct was to take my tissue-paper wrapped lingerie and bury it in the back of my lingerie drawer. Pull it out every now and then to fondle and appreciate it but really never wear it. But... I decided that I'm going to wear it one day this week. Because life is too short to hold out for someday... today is someday. Below is the email that I thought of immediately after having regrets about spending so much on three little items. I hope that it sticks with you and reminds you... today is your someday.

[A forwarded email...]


My brother-in-law opened the bottom drawer of my sister's bureau and lifted out a tissue-wrapped package. "This," he said, "is not a slip. This is lingerie." He discarded the tissue and handed me the slip.

It was exquisite; silk, handmade and trimmed with a cobweb of lace. The price tag with an astronomical figure on it was still attached. "Jan bought this the first time we went to New York, at least 8 or 9 years ago. She never wore it. She was saving it for a special occasion. Well, I guess this is the occasion." He took the slip from me and put it on the bed with the other clothes we were taking to the mortician. His hands lingered on the soft material for a moment, then he slammed the drawer shut and turned to me. "Don't ever save anything for a special occasion. Every day you're alive is a special occasion."

I remembered those words through the funeral and the days that followed when I helped him and my niece attend to all the sad chores that follow an unexpected death. I thought about them on the plane returning to California from the Midwestern town where my sister's family lives. I thought about all the things that she hadn't seen or heard or done. I thought about the things that she had done without realizing that they were special.

I'm still thinking about his words, and they've changed my life. I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting on the deck and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time in committee meetings. Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experience to savor, not endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.

I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event-such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, the first camellia blossom. I wear my good blazer to the market if I feel like it. My theory is, if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries without wincing. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties; clerks in hardware stores and tellers in banks have noses that function as well as my party-going friends. "Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now. I'm not sure what my sister would have done had she known that she wouldn't be here for the tomorrow we all take for granted. I think she would have called family members and a few close friends. She might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think she would have gone out for a Chinese dinner, her favorite food. I'm guessing-I'll never know.
It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew that my hours were limited. Angry because I put off seeing good friends whom I was going to get in touch with-someday. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write-one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and daughter often enough how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives.


And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special. Every day, every minute, every breath truly is...a gift.

Shout Out To Cleaning For A Reason

As taken off their website ...

Fighting cancer is difficult enough, living with it is even tougher…that’s where the Cleaning For A Reason Foundation steps in. Cleaning For A Reason is the only national non-profit in the country providing FREE, professional housecleaning services for women undergoing cancer treatment. The Foundation, organized as a Texas Non-Profit Corporation, is raising money to provide more help for more women everywhere.

The Foundation was officially formed in May 2006 as a Texas non-profit corporation. The only criteria for a woman to be accepted into the program is verification of treatment for cancer. The Foundation extends this help to all women undergoing cancer treatment.

Cancer patients are encouraged to visit www.cleaningforareason.org and fill out the online request form for services under the “cancer patient” link. 50 applications are accepted Monday through Friday at 12 noon Central Time. Not all areas are serviced. Partner locations are located under the "locations" link on the website.

‘Lost in Transition’ Life after Cancer Video

I found this video on my blogger friend Holly’s blog, OJO from NOHO.

The video is 17 minutes long and is a...

A short film/video by the Institute of Medicine about the problems that come up after cancer patients successfully end treatment and look into follow up.

Chemo Yesterday

My chemo cycle is two weeks on and one week off but because of Canada Day, my last treatment was two weeks ago. The break left me feeling pretty good … I dare say almost normal. So when D and I pulled up to the clinic it was like ugg, here we go again. I quickly snapped myself out of that “woe is me” feeling when I thought of how limited my options really are. I figured that I better be happy while I’m still able to receive treatment.

As usual, things went really well. My dose of Vinorelbine gives minor side effects … a tiny bit of nausea and some dizziness. I liken it to having a stiff drink but not in a good way. I ended the day feeling pretty good and fell asleep shortly after my head hit the pillow.

I woke up a couple of times during the nite feeling hot and sweaty. I think the house is a little on the warm side from the weather we are having. 

Woke up this morning feeling a bit slow but overall really good after coffee.

So, how were you told?

Recently I came across an article in the Los Angeles Times entitled … How doctors deliver the news: It's Cancer. That inspired me to share my experience with you all on how I was told.

As I waited for the results of my first biopsy, I’ll be honest; I didn’t really think I had cancer. I thought it would turn out to be a cyst or something like that. Boy was I wrong.

I was in the bedroom; I remember the phone ringing and hearing my family doctor’s voice at the other end. I knew right away this was serious because I’ve never had a doctor call me at home. I think she said something like … “There is no easy way to say this … you have breast cancer.” I started shaking. I think she also asked something like, Are you ok? … and I replied yes. As she spoke I tried hard to remember the details of the conversation but honestly, I could only remember that someone was going to call me later with more details. I remember breaking down after hanging up the phone.

With my first reoccurrence, I was mentally more prepared and ready to receive the news. Once again a phone call came. I don’t remember much about it.

With my second reoccurrence, the one I’m dealing with now, I was at work. I remember checking my phone message and listening to my doctor’s voice. She asked me to call her back immediately. When I called her back, I was ready to hear that the cancer had come back but there was nothing preparing me for when she said the cancer had spread to my liver, lungs and bones. I am now metastatic.

Once again, she asked if I was ok and especially if I was ok to drive home. I said my office was only minutes away from home and I would be fine.

Good to go for Chemo

This morning I went in for blood work for tomorrow’s chemo and boy oh boy, the lab was really lined up. So for something to do, I eavesdropped on other people’s conversations. I guess I wasn’t the only one because once the conversation turned to the high cost of parking around here; quite a few people piped up and shared their opinions. It was all kind of funny.

After my lab work was done I headed over to see my new Onc. His nurse called me into the exam room and said, “Dr. S was in for me,” as my regular Onc is on Mat leave, “and she also said that my regular Onc was in for a visit and she asked how I was doing.” Wow, I thought that was pretty nice, her wanting to know how I was doing, I really think she is the best Onc in town.

Once the nurse and I were done talking about how the last couple of weeks had gone … my Onc came in and asked if I had any lumps or bumps that needed checking. I said, nope, they’re all inside me. He did a quick physical exam and said I was good to go for chemo tomorrow.

Celebrating the return of dreams...

I received an email with this title: Celebrating the return of dreams. And it struck a note with me that sort of summed up how I’ve been feeling the past few days. The email was from the YSC (Young Survival Coalition: http://www.youngsurvival.org/) and it was about their upcoming bicycle ride fundraiser. Just for the record, I’m NOT going to ride 220 miles in the Tour de Pink. LOL… not gonna happen.

 

But I liked the spirit of the story that opened the email and it made me pause and think. The author of the story was a young woman when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was married and had small kids but still the news of having breast cancer hit her hard and she was really shaken. She mentioned how she lived day by day during the time of her treatment. She never really looked to the future too far because it was difficult enough to get from one day to the next. I really identified with that feeling.

 

I started looking for cars a few weeks ago because it’s time for me to have a car now. Travelling by public transportation is simply too limiting, too time consuming and becoming too inconvenient and too expensive for me to continue. I am fortunate that I can afford to buy a car. The other day, I also accepted that I was allowing myself to feel strangled by my medical bills. The stack of paper in my room is simply outrageous. Bills, bills, bills… everywhere. I gathered them all up and looked at my savings and said… enough! I withdrew a hefty chunk of change from my savings – it hurt my heart to do it – but I realized that unless I got that monkey off my back, I was going to continue to feel bogged down and stifled.

 

Getting through the process of writing down all the bills that I owed and making the money available so that they could be paid was difficult. I wanted to cry on Friday night when I got home because I was so angry. But I had made an innocent comment a few days before and it was continuing to resonate with me. “I need little luxuries in life to keep my wheels balanced.”

 

Once I did the hard part and I knew when the money would be available, I could breathe a little easier. I realized that I was extremely blessed to be able to access enough money to wipe out those bills. And even though they are bills that I never expected, they were mine and they were for a good reason. My life. I’m worth a few thousand dollars. I really am. Writing those checks the other day, freed me in a major way.

 

I went car shopping on Monday (window shopping) and found the car that I want. It is NOT one of the cars I had on my list. It is a car that I’ve wanted for a long time, I just didn’t think I could afford it.  In fact, two years ago when I was diagnosed, I didn’t think I would ever be in a position to get it. I looked at it, looked at the sticker price, I sat in it… and then I resolved that I could afford it and that I would get it. Not that day, but soon enough. I have a few things to do first but then, with lots of good luck, good fortune and blessings on my side, I will have my dream car.

 

Since the day I went car shopping… I realized that a lot of dreams have popped back into my head. Like renovating my bedroom. Writing a book proposal and submitting it to a few agents. Finally purchasing my first full length fur coat. And so forth. They are things that probably won’t matter or make sense to anyone besides me, but I am looking forward to hitting each and every one very soon.

 

When I read the headline of the YSC article, it clicked. I am finally in a space where I too am celebrating the return of my dreams. When I decided that I wanted to buy the Mercedes Benz instead of the cheaper Pontiac or even a little hooptie car, I realized that I was giving myself permission to stop living on hold. To stop holding my breath waiting for the next “cancer” issue to fall out of the sky. I am moving from survival mode… to simply SURVIVOR.

 

New Cancer Magazine

I received this email from the Alberta Cancer Foundation and I thought I'd share it with you ...

Leap Magazine is online

We're extremely proud to announce the debut of Leap magazine, an Alberta Cancer Foundation publication. Leap magazine is designed to ensure that as we learn more, you do, too. We hope you enjoy our first edition and will continue to find Leap a rich source of up-to-date, credible information on how you can be part of Alberta's cancer-free movement.

Why Leap? Because 16,000 Albertans will be newly diagnosed with cancer this year. For them, one step at a time just isn't fast enough. At the Alberta Cancer Foundation, we make just one promise to donors -- progress. With your help, we believe we can progress in leaps and bounds.

Click here to go to the Leap magazine website.

A Disturbing Dream

All my life I’ve been a very vivid dreamer and to be honest, I haven’t liked it because a lot of my dreams tend to be more disturbing than dreamy.

Last night I had one of those unsettling dreams. I was at one of my old jobs with an old boss. She came up to me and said … I’ve been doing some reading about your disease. She said, did you know you have a 100% chance of dying from it?” Just great! I really needed to hear that!

So is the prospect of dying on my mind? Yes, but I try not to dwell on it…. and doing that is difficult.

An Inspiring Cancer Video

Watch three-time Iditarod champion Lance Mackey talk about his dogs, his disease and his passion.

My Neuropathy is Easing Up

D asked me today how my neuropathy was doing. “I think its ok’, I said. My fingers are pretty good. I’m knitting up a storm which means my fingers aren’t terribly sensitive and I have pretty good coordination. When I was on both Xeloda and Taxotere and I definitely had the dropsy’s and some serious sensitivity issues. And it was getting worse all the time. I’ve either adjusted for it or it’s just gotten that little bit better to make it ok enough for me. I’m thinking it’s the latter.

My feet are doing pretty good too. I don’t have the greatest feeling in my feet but they too have improved; so much so that I’m confident enough to wear sandals when going out. They still feel like they have a coat of wax on them and I know that feeling will never go away.

Last year I was so clumsy with my feet, I was afraid I’d fall by not wearing solid footwear so I wore shoes and runners the whole summer.

One thing I haven’t experienced in a long time is waking up to that tingling sensation in my hands and feet. That waking up regularly to the feeling of my hands or feet falling asleep. I don’t miss that weirdness one little bit.

Tho things seemed to have improved considerably, I still need to examine my feet and hands because I know the lack of proper feeling in them can bring. There is definitely the potential for me to miss getting wounded or something.

I need a good cover story

I've been wearing these lymphedema bandages for a few weeks now. And I've gotten used to the way that they look. Sort of. They aren't sexy and they do not go very well with my wardrobe... but it doesn't bother me as much because my arm is really going down pretty well. I can see progress and it is making me happy.

My issue is that people I see on the street are amazed at the bandages. I am stopped constantly and asked.. "what happened to your arm?".

Sigh.

I suppose that it is startling to see a gorgeous lady (that would be me) strolling down the street like nothing is wrong with her arm bandaged up to the shoulder. A bit strange to see I'm sure. But it is my reality right now. Here's what's strange about the constant questions though... I simply don't feel like taking advantage of the obvious "teaching" moment.

Normally -- rather, for the past two years, I've taken every opportunity given to me (and forced more than a few) to educate people about breast cancer.  I have had what I call... "breast cancer Tourette's" for the longest time. Just could not help myself from responding to anything that opened the door for me to discuss my journey with breast cancer. But I don't feel like sharing all that right now with every stranger I see.

It is strange for me. I can see the genuine concern in their eyes... but it feels like a chore to say...

oh, I have lymphedema (which just means that my arm is swollen) because I had a mastectomy about a year ago... by the way I am a breast cancer survivor.... yes, at my age. no i don't have kids... yes, its a shame. okay bye.

Who DOES that on the street with strangers? Well, not ya girl. At least not for the past couple of weeks. (shrug) But you know... I have decided that I need a good cover story. Like, I was attacked by werewolves in the dark or something. And I need to practice it every day so that it rolls off my tongue easily.

Because I really will be wearing this sleeve of bandages for another 2 weeks I think. I just don't know what story to tell...

Ideas?

(as you can see, my arm is getting smaller... yay!)

Elizabeth Edwards Discusses her Cancer with Larry King

Dozy Me

Yesterday I was so dozy I can’t even tell ya. Friends of ours stopped by in the afternoon for a short Canada Day visit and I was so lethargic and out of it. I just couldn’t focus or think of much to say. During conversations, I just sat there like a lump on a log. It was late afternoon before my mind came back to me and I started to do a couple of things. Sheesh … sometimes I wonder if this cancer deal hasn’t gone to my brain too.

Anyways, today is a new day and I’m feeling much better. I had breakfast, did some knitting and then it was off to the clinic to have my weekly PICC line redressing. While at the clinic, I had a nice chat with the nurse and a gentleman with skin cancer who was waiting to get his chemo infusion.

After that D and I headed off to the grocery store for the big haul. We ran everything down to nothing and I’m glad to say the fridge and cupboards are once again all stocked up.

I am so glad to have my old self back.

Happy Canada Day!