Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Back To The Chiropractor

Back in December I enlisted the help of a chiropractor to help me get moving. Taxotere had left me too fatigued to do much of anything and so I had become stiff and sore. Back then he helped stretch out some of my leg and shoulder muscles. After Christmas, I was feeling so good I decided to continue on my own. My legs have continued to improve but my shoulders are still weak ... especially my right side where I have lymphedema. My arm has become quite swollen, sore and achy. I sort of equate the achiness to a toothache. It’s always there and makes a person real grumpy. 

So today I stopped in to see the doc. He looked at my lymphedema arm and pointed out some bruising on my elbow. The bruising is caused by the swelling. It didn’t take him long to find the tightness which was actually causing a clicking sound in my elbow. He did some stretching and massaging and gave me some information on applying the kinesthetic tape to my shoulder to help strengthen my rotary cuff. I already use this tape on my lymphedema hand. We also reviewed what exercises I need to be doing to strengthen the muscles in my shoulders.

Get this .. I’ve even decided to cut back on my computer time ... that is a biggy.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Living Well Cancer Support Group

This morning I was at the Living Well group. Our homework assignment last week was to do something fun or enjoyable that we wouldn’t normally do and secondly we were to do something philanthropic. 

What I did for myself was to apply for a travel subsidy to attend a cancer conference in the US. What I did for others is, I signed up to do some volunteer work. Because both of these events are to happen in the future ... I can’t really comment too much about my personal experience right now.

The lesson to be learned here is that when we do something fun for us, the good feelings are rather short lived however; if you give of ourselves to others ... the feel good feeling lasts longer because we are using your personal strengths to help others. 

Our assignment this week is to think about someone whom we are grateful for, yet we haven’t ever properly thanked them. The task itself is to write a letter expressing our gratitude to whom we are grateful. We are to read the letter to the person, either in person or over the phone and then give them the letter if we like. 

This assignment is actually on my bucket list ...

Monday, March 29, 2010

Lunch With A Friend

Audrey from Stage 3! Who, me? and I had a really nice lunch together today. I’m glad to say she is doing real well and so full of life. We chatted up storm.

I think some of her enthusiasm rubbed off on me because I feel so energized after our luncheon.

What to do with my extra energy ... hmmm?

Sunday, March 28, 2010

My Sister Asked If I was Feeling Normal

I was on talking long distance the phone with my sister and she asked if I was feeling normal. I said nope and rattled off that my lymphedema arm is achy and swollen; my feet are still retaining a small amount of fluid and I have mild neuropathy in my feet and hands. 

The biggest issue with the neuropathy is that I often have the dropsy’s. Using anything small …like nail clippers, they just fly out of my hands for no reason at all. The dog has learned to keep her distance in the kitchen. 

Mentally I’m nowhere near normal. My focus and concentration are poor. I can be very emotional for no reason at all and my memory is atrocious. 

So Sis, am I feeling normal? … no, I’m not there yet.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Lots of Socializing

Wow, what a full day. This morning I had a great time at the knitting group. One of the gals knitted a chemo cap to show as a sample. She is going to make copies of the pattern for all at our next meeting. Another said she’d whip up a flower to put on the side of it to help jazz it up. We’re going to knit up a few different patterns and see which one we like best.

After the knitting group was done ... some of the gals went out for lunch at the food court and I joined them. We chatted about this and that. Three ladies really connected as they each had 16 year old daughters as an only child. Kawinkydink or what?

After a while, I zipped out to meet the Second Cup gals. Four of us met which is great because we only started with two. As usual, we talked about all sorts of stuff, everything from our treatments to Skype.

After all that yakking ... I’m tired ... maybe a snooze is in order to rest my jaw.

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A poem about a breast cancer survivor

Someone shared the following poem with me. I’ve never met the artist who wrote it, but I thought it was really beautiful so I asked him if I could share it on my blog. I hope that you like it as much as I did.

 

~Nicole

--------------------------

 

Joyful Eyesight

I’ve never seen anything so beautiful
I’ve never seen anything so beautiful
I’m repeating this statement like Negro spirituals in fields
Because hope lies in the harmony
Trying to restore the harmony
She once knew
When she sang strong songs that seem off key
Maybe off balanced by the extra weight on her chest
She’s off balance
Almost fainted when she found the lump

Doctor conducted an examination
The orchestra was a tragedy
Like Brahms wrote that CT scan
Like Schubert wrote the biopsy results
Doctor offers encouraging quotes
Half empty, half full
Like whole notes and half notes
Tell me how she will feel whole
If her chest is half empty
Self worth half full
She drinks sunshine to replenish her spirit
Feeds herself scripture
Prays and stays faithful

She’s a fighter
Determined to win and not let this claim her
Modeling strength, will, and determination
I’ve never seen anything so beautiful

I’ve never seen anything so beautiful
I repeat this statement like fight songs
As she marches from concern to my arms
Like Selma to Montgomery
Feels beat, out of gas, tears falling, fear hounding her
She won’t be turned back
From believing she’ll overcome this

She takes my breath away
I can’t speak how amazing she truly is
She rubs her hands down my cheek to my throat
Finds a lump
Fingers like a surgeon’s scalpel dance along my chest
Removes my confusion
So I speak how she lives
Past the pain

I want my voice to be as powerful as you
So that when I’m on stage
You’re fighting your stage
I’m radiating eloquence
You’re going through radiation
This stage is my therapy
You’re going through chemotherapy
I’ve lost my patience with people rooted in ignorance
You’ve lost your hair
I’ve never seen anything so beautiful

Some consider it a shame
I consider it a symbol
The first http://greenhillgoldman.blogspot.coms were from Libya
In awe of your resilient stature
I know you’re a warrior
Resolve on your face like war paint
Smile like a battle cry
I’m inspired by the will to survive in your eyes

I hold you in my arms
It’s like holding dawn
Your bald head sets against my chest
Like an evening horizon
I’ve never seen anything so beautiful

Ruling style and fashion like Caesar
D&G glasses, earrings, and a Caesar
My kisses are penance
Your laugh is my redeemer
I hang close so I can catch you if you falter
I’m just a dreamer
Recognize the glory in your makeup
Temp fade and MAC makeup
An Augusta Savage sculpture
Well crafted work of Art
I’ve never seen anything so beautiful

© 2010 Chris “Dasan Ahanu” Massenburg

 

 

Just a reminder: Feel and squeeze on your boobies!

Today is as good a day as any other to give yourself a BSE (breast self-exam). It only takes a few moments and is pretty painless. You have my permission to feel yourself up. (laughs)

 

Jokes aside… please do incorporate regular self-exams into your life. You can do them in the shower, while you’re in the bed, wherever you feel comfortable. I never thought that when Dr. Casamayou was encouraging her students at Mount Vernon College to self-examine their breasts, she was giving me the ammunition that would save my life one day. But she did. And now I am passing that ammunition to you.

 

Check your boobies! Do it today.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Life after breast cancer treatment

I've been discussing a lot of the intimate details about my life after my breast cancer treatment ended. The truth is that while I'm different -- I have health issues and concerns that I didn't have 2 years ago -- I'm also very much the same. Sometimes its difficult to merge the two women that I feel I am.

It is dificult to know which woman is going to emerge in different situations. They have different emotional baggage and face life with differing motives. One feels weak and scared more often than not. The other wants to be superwoman and do everything she ever thought was possible.

Figuring out how to work with these two women is becoming a full-time job. Life continues to present me with opportunities that I probably would never have received had I not gone through this challenge. So a part of me is really excited and grateful for the twists and turns in the journey. But another part of me is still fighting deep-rooted anger and deep sadness that it took all of this -- stage 3 cancer diagnosis, chemotherapy, mastectomy, radiation, reconstruction -- in order for me to wake up to the possibility of a life of fulfilled dreams.

Can I hate and love something at the same time? Breast cancer ruined my body, stole my relationship, put me in debt, scared my friends and family and continues to offer physical challengs that make me want to cry some days. But breast cancer forced me to write, forced me to step out of my fear of rejection and continues to make me scream that I am here! I am here! I am here!

I still look at other survivors and wonder how they seem to manage living life so well. This disease continues to ravage my spirit (though not as often as in the past) and I keep thinking and wondering what the future holds. My appointment with my oncologist was rescheduled for early April. So, I still don't know what my my current prognosis is. I feel fine -- relatively speaking. But that is so deceptive because I felt fine before I ever found out that I had breast cancer.

Sigh.

I don't know. I suppose that I am still a work in progress.

The Sears Group

Yesterday on the way to the Sears coffee group, I thought I’d stop at the Cross Cancer Institute and pick up a daffodil pin for each of the gals. The pins are really soft and pretty. I snapped a pic, check em out...

Four of the six ladies came for coffee. Most everyone in the group is doing well except for S who just got out of the hospital ... thinking of you S and hoping you join us soon. We all miss you.

After a couple of good cups of coffee and a few good laughs ... we gave each other a nice hug and off we went.

The itch has been scratched

Let me start by saying that I am truly OVER-SHARING here. I know it. Social media has caught me in its clutches and I’ve become “that girl” who types about every move she makes for someone to see. Twitter, Facebook, Form Spring, Four Square and this blog… have become my extended selves. But it’s not a good look because I’m starting to let the instruments handle me instead of me handling them. All that to say, this will likely be my first and last time posting a message of this kind.



I blame Tamoxifen – and my hormones



That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. I’m blaming the medication that I take for the crazy road trip that my hormones have been on for the past few months. Considering that I will be on it for quite some time – another four years – I’m going to have to figure out other ways of handling the disturbances as they come up. By disturbances I mean, absolutely utterly ridiculous you’ve-got-to-be-freaking-kidding-me spells of extreme LUST. I was going to use the “h” word but I think it may be bad language so, we’ll call it lust.



For those who don’t know – maybe you’ve been snoozing under a rock or something – breast cancer killed my sex life. Notice that I didn’t say it killed my sex drive. Now, in all fairness, chemotherapy definitely did play a number on my sex drive. But that’s to be expected. My body was traumatized by all of the drugs I was being given so sex became a distant memory. Didn’t help that immediately following chemotherapy I had a mastectomy which required months of healing… which was followed up with months of radiation therapy. So, I can safely say that for at least 8 months, sex was not on my mind.



However, as my body continued to heal those urges came back. And they came back STRONGLY! I tried to downplay them for a long time because I wasn’t in a relationship any longer and I didn’t feel comfortable showing my new body to a new person. I had a really hard time looking at my chest for many months, I wasn’t ready to reveal that part of myself to someone else. So, more months of no sex. And then one day last summer, I scratched the itch. My mood lightened, I was happier and I honestly think that I may have started to glow (just a little bit).



Notice I said last summer. It is the following spring and that was the last time I scratched that itch. I returned to my life as a survivor. Getting back into the swing of a “normal” life – hanging with friends, going to dinner, going to parties, etc. – but I did not focus on this one aspect of my life. I focused on the emotional part of being lonely and wanting to be in a relationship. But I just sort of ignored my body’s calling for sexual intimacy. I just didn’t want to face that part of my existence. I don’t really know why.



Well, spring is here and this is my favorite season of the year. I love how it feels like the world is coming alive. I love how it makes me feel inside. I’m a spring baby and I love coming alive in my season. When I started feeling those familiar urgings, I knew I was going to have to pay attention to them but I still wasn’t ready to. I did a lot of things to distract myself. I watched movies (you know, the naked kind), I had long talks with myself, I flirted A LOT, and was intimate with myself but that was it.



While I understand (and appreciate) that some people practice celibacy in their lives for various reasons… Nic is not that girl. I like having a healthy sexual appetite and I like sex. A lot.



There. I said it. And I’m not taking it back.



I’m telling you all of this because last night, I scratched the heck out of my itch. I mean… I scratched and scratched and scratched that doggone itch. I think I scratched for about 4 or 5 hours. It was SERIOUS. My partner took a nap in the middle but he woke up and got back to work, scratching my itch. And it was a very good scratch. I am pleased. (I’m tired as heck today but eh… so what?)



Until yesterday afternoon, I wasn’t going to scratch the itch at all. I had decided that it was just better and more appropriate that I continue to ignore all of the signals that my body was giving me and just focus on finding a good, solid relationship. But then, I did something that I realized later on I didn’t want to do. I agreed to go on a date with this guy I met. I met him months ago, but we didn’t really connect. And when I ran into him yesterday, he just looked scrumptious. But I know he’s not that fine. And he’s a little corny. And he seems like a train wreck in the making really… but when he asked me on a date, I said yes immediately.



My judgment was compromised



I don’t know about the rest of you, but when one part of my life is out of balance… everything starts to shift a bit. Because I wouldn’t take ownership of my problem – I needed to have sexual relations – other parts of my life started to shift. I started noticing certain things about myself but I played it off and blamed other things. But when I was in the middle of a conversation with someone I should not have been talking to, and definitely should not have been sharing what I was sharing with that person – I realized that I had started to drift over to the dark side. I was holding on to my standards by the tips of my fingers and they were sliding off slowly. I actually articulated that I knew what I was saying was probably wrong but I could not keep it together enough not to say it. When you can acknowledge that you’re dead-azz wrong and still keep doing the wrong thing, you’ve got to make a change and quickly. After I accepted the date with the guy I had already thrown back in the pond… I realized that I needed my itch scratched. I could not afford to keep playing “nice girl” looking for a boyfriend. I needed to get back in the zone of “pimpin’ ain’t easy” and quick.



(I thought that girl died off years ago… but no. She’s still around.) I got past my insecurities about my body. I got past my insecurities that he wouldn’t want me. I got past my insecurities about “we’re not a couple” and I got down with the get-down. Repeatedly.



(shrug) It is what it is.



I’ve been following a conversation on a breast cancer message board for months. The topic is about dating after reconstruction and each time someone chimes in, I realize that I’m watching myself through other people. All of these women – smart, funny, strong, beautiful women of various ages and ethnicities – are afraid that they may never have sex again. May never be intimate with a man again. Feeling like they are less than gorgeous, less than wonderful and all because of breast cancer. These women have the same fears that I do, the same hormonal issues that I do, the same desires that I do but many of them are so afraid of rejection that they are not putting themselves out there. That makes me sad. It actually made me mad because I realized that until I put the ball in motion (pun not intended) the game would not move forward.



I apologize to everyone who witnessed my facebook craziness last night. Everything that I do does not belong on social media that way. However, I am not apologetic about scratching my itch with someone I trust. If I had not done that, I might have ended up scratching with someone I didn’t know just because he was cute or something lame like that.



I am officially a cougar now. J  And I think I like it.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Hair Today

Today I thought I’d do a hair update. For most of last year I was Q-ball bald on Taxotere. But when I switched to Xeloda in October... my hair started coming back in. It’s not a full head of hair yet but I’m so happy ....I’ll take whatever I get.

Now when I’m out, the locks sticking out from under my cap make me look a bit more normal.

I’m heading to the mall this afternoon to find some nice light summer caps because now that I’ve have some hair, my head heats up real quick with my winter caps.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The Living Well Group

I just got back from the Living Well Group. Last week’s assignment was to look at some of our character strengths and try and use them in a new way. One gal in the group she did a kind act and upon reflection ... she felt the rest of the day went very smoothly. It’s like her kind act set the mood for the day.

This week’s assignment is two part ... firstly, we are supposed to do something that is fun and enjoyable. Secondly, we are to do something philanthropic ... it doesn’t matter what we do, only that it is something that shows good will to others. One rule tho... it is important that you spend about the same amount of time doing both parts.

Next week we will compare and contrast these experiences.

Monday, March 22, 2010

March Is Kidney Cancer Awareness Month

Here is a three and half minute inspiring video by Tony Clark who talks about how he is living a full productive life with kidney cancer. Tony is the Chair of Kidney Cancer Canada.



Sunday, March 21, 2010

Personal Reflection

I’ve been feeling so good lately ... can hardly believe it. Yesterday I went out for a drive, just to get out of the house. I had all four windows down a bit with the tunes turned up ... what a great feeling. The weather has been so lovely here lately too.

I’ve been doing a bit more reflecting these days. It’s kind of hard to imagine my body is sick with stage four cancer. Right now it’s not getting worse or better but it’s still there. Part of me wants to think, I’m back to normal but ... I’m not. I’m always thinking of that next scan and what it could show. What is the cancer in my liver doing to me today? The weird part is that I don’t feel it, so I don’t know. On the other hand I’m so fortunate not to be having any major side effects from the cancer or chemo... like no pain. I wake up thinking ... ok how do I feel today? ... any changes? Then I go about doing things and then all of a sudden I stop and think ... I have cancer ... can’t be true. It just doesn’t seem to be something I can totally wrap my head around ... even after all these years.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Emotional ups and downs -- but SPRING is coming

This has been an interesting week. Like many other breast cancer survivors... the news of someone else's battle with cancer can send me soaring or can plummet my feelings into the abyss.  Depending upon whether they are triumphantly coming out of treatment with a great prognosis or are facing end of life issues when their cancer has been determined to be terminal.  Even when the news is about a friend of a friend of a friend, I'm still very emotional.

Cancer sucks.

That is what the shirt I'm wearing at this moment says and I wore it on purpose this morning because I learned about two people this week who are terminal with their cancer. It never stops breaking my heart. And it always makes me stop for a moment and just wonder... will that pain happen to the people in my life that I love one day? I don't know. I can't read the future any better than anyone else. I have an appointment with my oncologist next week. I have been looking forward to this appointment for a couple of months but in the past 24 hours, my mood around it has shifted into a little bit of fear.

I think that's how it is with cancer. You don't know when something will come along and remind you just how vulnerable you are... until it hits you. I've been cruising around these past few days and weeks... focusing on the future, trying to find new friends to hang with, trying to reconnect with old friends... not really thinking much about breast cancer. Well, thinking about breast cancer in a different way. My mind has been focused on how to live beyond breast cancer... and now I'm a little shook because in the blink of an eye it can be about how to die with breast cancer.

That's extreme but its possible. Two people tangentially connected to me are facing those issues right now. I'm preparing to go out in a couple of hours to hang with some good friends, eat some great food and have lots of fun. It should be an amazing night. But knowing that I'm going to see Dr. Siegel next week, and knowing that at least two more people will be lost to the world because of breast cancer... really makes me just a smidge afraid.

Life is about how you react to the situations and challenges that you are presented with. My life (at this moment) is about letting the world know that sexy and breast cancer DOES go together... and trying to leave a faint mark on the world that will remain after I'm gone.

Alright! Enough of the sappy stuff. It is a beautiful day in the DC metro area. Spring has SPRUNG... and I plan to twist, and flirt and laugh... all night long.

Smooches! (The Tidal Basin during the blossoming of the cherry trees is my ABSOLUTE-CAN'T-GET-NO-BETTER-I-LOVE-ALL-OF-THIS-TOURISTY-STUFF spot in the world. This is a stock photo, can't wait to get out there next week and take my own pictures)

Daffodil Days In Edmonton

As shown on the Canadian Cancer Society website …

March 22 – 27

Every spring, Canadian Cancer Society volunteers in Alberta and the Northwest Territories are busy delivering and selling bright, yellow daffodils to help raise money in support of the fight against cancer. The daffodil is the Canadian Cancer Society's symbol of hope. The bright, cheerful blooms are sold every year and provide a kick-off for our National Cancer Awareness Month in April.

Join us at Daffodil Mountain March 24-25 at Commerce Place (10125-102 Street), or visit one of our street sales locations:

Location and Date:

Bonnie Doon Mall
March 27, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.

Camrose Farmers Market
March 27, 9 a.m. - 2 p.m.

Canadian Tire West
March 27, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.

Canterbury Manor
March 25, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.

Capilano Wal-Mart/Capilano
March 26, 4 a.m. - 8:30 p.m.
March 27, 9 a.m. - 3:30 p.m.

Clairview Wal-Mart
March 27, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.

College Plaza
March 25, 10 a.m. - 2 p.m.

Commerce Place
March 24-25, 8 a.m. - 4 p.m.

Cross Cancer Institute
March 24, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.

Grey Nuns Hospital
March 26, 9 a.m. - 3 p.m.

Londonderry Mall
March 26, 11 a.m. - 8 p.m.
March 27, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.

Misercordia Hospital
March 25, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.

NAIT
March 22, 9:30 a.m. - 4:30 p.m.
March 24, 9:30 a.m. - 4:30 p.m.

South Edmonton Common Wal-Mart
March 27, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.

Southgate Mall
March 27, 9:30 a.m. - 4 p.m.

Strathcona Farmers Market
March 27, 7:30 a.m. - 3 p.m.

University Hospital
March 25, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.

University of Alberta Hub Mall
March 23, 10 a.m. - 3:00 p.m.

West End Wal-Mart
March 27, 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.

Friday, March 19, 2010

My Friday Knitting Group

I usually walk in to find that most everyone has their knitting out and chatting up a storm. Once everyone’s here, we’re asked to circle up and share what’s happened in the past week and if there anything needing to be talked about.

Once that is done ... we can talk freely amongst ourselves and we sure do that ... everything from Farmville on Facebook to lymphedema to raising teenagers. 

One topic that keeps coming up is the idea of forming a knitting group to knit chemo caps for cancer patients. We’re just looking at different patterns right now and deciding what type of yarn would be best. We’d also like to knit or crochet flowers to the caps, just to make them that little bit prettier... especially for the men folk ... hehe!

I hope it comes together not just for the cancer patients who’ll use these caps but because it’ll be such a great healing process for us all... knitting together for a good cause.

In uncertainty I am certain we have only one story.


A child may ask, “What is the world’s story about?” And a grown man or woman may wonder, “What way will the world go? How does it end and , while we’re at it, what’s the story about?”



I believe that there is one story in the world, and only one, that has frightened and inspired us, so that we live in a Pearl White serial of continuing thought and wonder. Humans are caught – in their lives, in their thoughts, in their hungers and ambitions, in their avarice and cruelty, and in their kindness and generosity too – in a net of good and evil. I think this is the only story we have and that it occurs on all levels of feeling and intelligence. Virtue and vice were warp and woof of our first consciousness, and they will be the fabric of our last, and this despite any changes we may impose on field and river and mountain, on economy and mangers.



There is no other story. A man, after he has brushed off the dust and chips of his life, will have left only the hard, clean questions: Was it good or was it evil? Have I done well – or ill?



Herodotus, in the Persian War, tells a story of how Croesus, the richest and most favored king of his time, asked Solon the Athenian a leading question. He would not have asked it if he had not been worried about the answer. “Who” he asked, “is the luckiest person in the world” He must have been eaten with doubt and hungry for reassurance. Solon told him of three lucky people in old times. And Croesus more than likely did not listen, so anxious was he about himself. And when Solon did not mention him, Croesus was forced to say, “Do you not consider me lucky?”



Solon did not hesitate in his answer. “How can I tell?” he said. “You aren’t dead yet.”



And this answer must have haunted Croesus dismally as his lucky disappeared, and his wealth and his kingdom. And as he was being burned on a tall fire, he may have thought of it and perhaps wished he had not asked or not been answered.



And in our time, when a man dies – if he has had wealth and influence and power and all the vestments that arouse envy, and after the living take stock of the dead man’s property and his eminence and works and monuments – the question is still there: Was his life good or was it evil? – which is another way of putting Coresus’s question. Envies are gone, and the measuring stick is: “Was he loved or was he hated? Is his death felt as a loss or does a kind of joy come of it?”



I remember clearly the deaths of three men. One was the richest man of the century, who, having clawed his way to wealth through the souls and bodies of men, spent many years trying to buy back the love he had forfeited and by that process performed great service to the world and, perhaps, had much more than balanced the evils of his rise. I was on a ship when he died. The news was posted on the bulletin board, and nearly everyone received the news with pleasure. Several said, “Thank God that son of a bitch is dead.”



Then there was a man, smart as Satan, who, lacking some perception of human dignity and knowing all too well every aspect of human weakness and wickedness, used his special knowledge to warp men, to buy men to bribe and threaten and seduce until he found himself in a position of great power. He clothed his motives in the names of virtue, and I have wondered whether he ever knew that no gift will ever buy back a man’s love when you have removed his self-love. A bribed man can only hate his briber. When this man died the nation rang with praise and, just beneath, with gladness that he was dead.



There was a third man, who perhaps made many errors in performance but whose effective life was devoted to making men brave and dignified and good in a time when they were poor and frightened and when ugly forced were loose in the world to utilize their fears. This man was hated by the few. When he died the people burst into tears in the streets and their minds wailed, “What can we do now? How can we go on without him?”



In uncertainty I am certain that underneath their topmost layers of frailty men want to be good and want to be loved. Indeed, most of their vices are attempted short cuts to love. When a man comes to die, no matter what his talents and influence and genius, if he dies unloved his life must be a failure to him and his dying a cold horror. It seems to me that if you or I must choose between two courses of thought or action, we should remember our dying and try so to live that our death brings no pleasure to the world.



We have only one story. All novels, all poetry, are built in the neverending contest in ourselves of good and evil. And it occurs to me that evil must constantly respawn, while good, while virtue, is immortal. Vice has always a new fresh young face, while virtue is venerable as nothing else in the world is.



-Chapter 34, East of Eden 1952 by Nobel Prize winner John Steinbeck.


Last night, at a very small gathering, I had the honor of meeting Dr. Joseph Murray, a brilliant man, 91 years young, recipient of the 1990 Nobel Prize in Medicine, Harvard Medical Professor Emeritus, author, pioneer, optimist and Steinbeck's Third Man.


Among the many things Dr. Murray said a few stuck with me. The first, his suggestion to read Steinbeck's Chapter 34 from East of Eden, copied above. The second, a quote: "The reason why this moment is so precious, is because it will never happen again."


Dr. Murray also expressed his enthusiasm to address a small living room sized gathering, as far different from the usual lecture theatre engagements. The wide range of the audience’s age from 22 years old to seniors added to depth of the anecdotes and lessons shared. Dr. Murray stressed the three ingredients he felt were necessary to achieve significant breakthroughs (in medicine) namely, “curiosity, imagination and perseverance.” He also mentioned a few factors to avoid such as “self-importance and obstinacy.”


I believe Dr. Murray suggested Steinbeck's "What is the world’s story about?" to point out that all we are is the sum of our choices. Every second we choose. At the end of our day, and even our life, these singular choices tell the story of our life.


Meeting Dr. Murray was an extreme privilege and something I hope I live long enough to always remember. Ultimately, his message to me was: We have only one story and we are the authors.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

25th AIDS Walk in Boston-June 6th, 2010

Now that the weather is getting warmer it's time to get out and stretch the legs. What better way then supporting the AIDS Walk Boston! Each year, AIDS Action Committee relies on hundreds of volunteers to help us serve the 15,000+ attendees that participate in the Walk and the Larry Kessler 5K Run.

They are once again looking for talented, dedicated and hard working individuals to fill the following volunteer positions:

  • Pre-Event Office Support
  • Course Marshals
  • Crowd Control
  • Finish Area Volunteers
  • Registration Volunteers
  • Run Volunteers
  • Walk Check Point Volunteers
  • Post Event Office Support
  • Special Skill Areas: Truck/Van Drivers and Photographers
Register as a Volunteer for AIDS Walk Boston 2010 and learn more about each of the necessary AIDS Walk Boston volunteer positions.

For more information about volunteering at AIDS Walk Boston contact Sarah MacPherson at (617) 437-1573 or smacpherson@aac.org

A Cheeky Colorectal Cancer PSA


Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Still thinking about sex after breast cancer

Still thinking about sex after breast cancer


Well, I seemed to have stirred the embers with this topic. Though only a few people were brave enough to post a comment directly to my blog, I have received quite a bit of mail on this topic. So, I’m not the only lusty chick out here wondering where did the love go and when will it return? (Laughs) I am happy to hear that.

And for all those luscious guys who have made kind offers of assistance -- (head nod) – yeah, I’m considering that. (Laughs) Expect an email or a text message soon. Soon!

But seriously, this is a touchy topic and it’s slightly embarrassing for me to discuss. I’m not the girl to talk a lot about sex. I become embarrassed and I blush and it just gets real weird/goofy/uncomfortable feeling for me. I suppose that means that I have some latent issues surrounding sexual intimacy that I might need to work on but in the meantime…

The question about sexual intimacy after breast cancer is a real one and I’ll keep diving into the topic until I figure out a resolution. The issue is bigger than me. There are millions of women right now living with the after-math of breast cancer. I’d venture a guess that many (if not most) of them would like to have or resume a healthy sex life at some point.

Once again, reading the breast cancer message boards has prodded me to understanding just how big breast cancer is and how pervasive the fear surrounding it can be. I read a few posts recently that reminded me that it’s not just the fear about sharing your new body with someone; it’s also about navigating different erogenous areas and making shifts and changes to “how” you make love with your new body.

Those of us with newly reconstructed boobies have to cope with the notion that the new boobies don’t have the old boobie’s feeling capabilities. The new boobies may not have nipples and for some of us that is a DRASTIC change from life before breast cancer.

(I am flushed and beet red right now… but I am determined to keep tackling this topic with honesty and openness)

Before breast cancer, my fairly large and luscious boobies were also super-sensitive and contributed to the enjoyment I experienced during intimate moments. Now, I’m down to just one lady in that game and pretty soon, even she will be adjusted and I don’t know how that will affect her ability to contribute to the feathery, tickly-ness that I am used to feeling in my tummy when…  you know, this is too much information for the blog. Suffice it to say, I’m gonna MISS that girl something serious. She definitely played her part well. (Laughs)

Anyway, I was reading another pink ribbon sister’s discussion of a recent evening with friends and how she felt different with her new boobies even though men seemed to react to her the same way they always have. Something she said in her remarks stood out for me because I had not considered it before. She said that her new breasts weren’t sexual to her anymore. She lost that erogenous zone when she lost her nipples.

I had not considered that even with a lumpectomy (which is a partial removal of the affected breast – just the tumor and its margins are removed from the breast) the likelihood that you will lose one erogenous zone still exists.

Wow, talk about unfair. Not only are you trying to balance the way your body looks after treatment and surgeries, but on top of that your erogenous zone ceases to exist? Seriously? Ugh what a nightmare!

I guess I could spin it and decide that now my excitement could be figuring out new erogenous zones – again, this is assuming that I can find a boyfriend and have sex again (laughs). But in all seriousness, these are conversations that I really think should take place in the beginning of your treatment. The compartmentalization of what breast cancer means to your life is not the best way to handle this from a patient’s emotional point of view. This thing is like being in a horrible car accident. One day your life is totally normal and then bam! Into a brick wall and everything is totally different. No warning, no preparation… just oh! Here’s your new life, good as new, right? Wrong. Wrong, wrong!

Sigh.

It’s frustrating and annoying to realize that the issues of feminine sexuality, sexual arousal and well, sexual satisfaction are pushed to the back-burner when it comes to treatment. I wonder whether men are treated the same way when it comes to prostate cancer.

We’ve got to find a new way to deal with this. Because d*mmit… I want my sex life back and I want it to be as good as or better than before. Actually, I’m putting my order in for far better than before. Something wonderful has to come from this crazy breast cancer journey, right? Why can’t it be an exquisite sex life? (A girl can dream and hope right?)

I’ve read a bunch of very clinical (read: boring and dry) pamphlets about your sex drive and breast cancer. And they did nothing to provide ideas or suggestions about how to cope with your changing body image, your changed sexual abilities and what sort of head-trip that could send you on. If I am not my hair (thanks India Arie!) then my sex is more than my va-jay-jay and my beauty is more than my skin and my curves (though I like both of those and want them to return to their full glory asap). My breasts weren’t just window dressing on a cute frame. They were an active part of my life and my sensuality.

What I’m saying is that I am a little bit upset. I am happy to be alive. But the life that I seem to have been given isn’t the life that I put in the hands of my medical team in 2008. What they gave me back just isn’t the same and I’m frustrated with searching for ME again. They gave me back a life that says… SURVIVOR. This is fine except I gave them a life that said FREE!

Survivor seems so pared down and almost pale in comparison. I suppose I have to change that. (Ding!) I guess that’s what “My Fabulous Boobies” really is all about. Changing the perception of being a breast cancer survivor.

*singing*

I am not my hair

I am not this skin

I am not your expectations, no!

Hey!

I am not my hair

I am not this skin

I am the soul that lives within.


My New Spring Look

I’m sure you’ve noticed ... I changed the look of my blog. I’ve wanted three columns for a very long time and now I have it ... and I changed it all myself ... well with Blogger’s help of course. I’ve been tinkering with the Blogger Draft Tools off and on for a few months now. 

Now Blogger in Draft has come up with some new tools to manipulate the look of your blog. You just move and add graphic objects to get it looking the way you want. There are plenty of templates to choose from and you can preview any changes to the look of your blog before publishing. Easy breezy.

Here’s the link to the official Blogger in Draft.

Here’s the one minute demo video ... 

Happy renovating!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

My Living Well Homework

Just got back from the Living Well cancer support group. Our assignment last week was to record three good things that went well during the last week and then think about why these good things happened. The lesson here is ....if you open yourself up to the world and take some risk, good things do happen.

This week’s assignment is to look at your own virtues and character strengths. We were given a list of 24 good qualities to possess. We are to consider what we think would be our top five strengths or ... our signature strengths. We are then supposed to try and think of a new way to use one of these strengths during the week. For example, if kindness is one of your strengths ... try and find a new way to be kind during the week.

This is gonna be interesting ...

Monday, March 15, 2010

Blood Work and Oncologist Visit

I just got back from seeing the Onc. My blood work all looks normal ... liver and kidneys are functioning fine. The liver is always a concern because I have tumours on it and the kidneys are a concern because Xeloda is extra hard on them. I really haven’t any of the major side effects from Xeloda... that’s great because it makes my visit short and sweet.

Today is the last time I will see my regular Onc for a year as she is going on mat leave at the end of this month. My new Onc has his clinics on Thursdays, so that will change up my schedule a bit.

Nothing more to say other than it’s a sunny spring like day and I’m feeling really good.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Is there hope of a sex life after breast cancer?

One of my pink ribbon sisters brought up this topic on twitter the other night and because I was in the midst of a hot flash (of a different kind)... I jumped right in with both feet and said I HOPE SO!

(I'm blaming my outburst on the wine I had been drinking)

It wasn't my intention to tell the twitter world that I wanted to get laid. (laughs) But... I did. And I've been thinking about that ever since my outburst. Its not a crime to want to experience sexual intimacy. Its a natural progression in life. So, I have to ask... why does all of this seem just so doggone hard? I mean, I know part of it has to do with worrying about the big "reveal" prior to the act. But I don't think that's all of it.

Here's the thing: I am a single woman. Before breast cancer, I was vibrant and energetic and enjoyed a full sex life. Well, its almost two years after my diagnosis and while I've been through the hell fighting this disease... I'm getting back to "me". And "me" includes enjoying an active love life.

I want that part of my life back too. (please and thank you!)

Getting to the place where I feel good in my skin has taken some time. I have moments when I'm not really feeling that great or that pretty... but they come fewer and farther between now. I'm so grateful for that. But there's always another challenge and the current challenge is... Will there be a resurrection of my sex life after cancer?

Sigh. I surely hope so.

I have confirmed that men do still find me attractive. I am assured that at least a few of those guys probably would consider having sex with me. However getting from the mental thoughts of... "I would really like to get nekkid with him"... to the actual..."ohmygawd... we're about to do it"... seems to be the equivalent of getting from Maryland to the moon.

And I don't have a rocket in my backyard.

From a clinical perspective, I can reassure my pink ribbon sisters behind me on the path... yes, your sex drive will come back. Depending on where you are in your journey, it may even be higher than you remember. From an emotional perspective, its good to remember that you're still a girl -- and to feel it, way down deep, down there too.

But I'm older and wiser in ways that I wasn't before breast cancer. And between that hesitation in my head and the thought of getting that close to another person and risking rejection... whew. We're back at looking at maps to get to the moon.

I WANT to get sexual again. Just not sure how to do it. Do I just jump right out there, pick a cute boy and roll with it? Literally? Or do I try to slow my hormonal lust down and find a good man to have a long-term and solid relationship with? Do it the "good girl" way?

Shooooooot!! I have NOT been a good girl all my life. Sorry to disappoint some of you. But its true. What I have been is relatively quiet and discrete about my actions. Those who know... KNOW. Those who don't... can only guess. I never confirm nor deny. I just smile and nod and keep it moving.

So, where does that leave me now? I'm a sexy, juicy girl... with a lot of lust in my heart. (Gawsh, I know some folks are probably wondering why I'm going there today) I'm trying not to be too crass but the truth is that I spend a lot of time with myself trying not to explode all over the place.

Hmmm... that didn't come out right. What I mean is...

What I mean is, I want to get back to having a normal sex life. Judging from what I've read about other pink ribbon sisters, establishing a new normal is par for the course and it does get better. Actually, I want an abnormal sex life, honestly. I want more sex than I know what to do with. (laughs) And I want it now.

In the meantime, I'll keep  working on the "good girl" plan. Its safer, I think.

A Powerful Video - The Dash



Saturday, March 13, 2010

Lymphedema Explained Video

My silly lymphedema arm is so sore and achy today... and I have no one to blame but myself. I am not doing the required stretching exercises as I should be. 

I found this YouTube video that offers me the motivation I need. It has arm exercises toward the end.


Friday, March 12, 2010

Shout Out To - Kids With Cancer

As taken from their website ...

The Kids with Cancer Society, a registered not for profit Edmonton based charity (88640 1397 RR0001), was established in 1979 to provide peer support to children with cancer and their families.

Kids With Cancer is putting on its Fifth Annual Beaded Journey Gala Thursday March 18th 2010 at the Hotel Fairmont MacDonald. The Beaded Journey Gala is hosted by our Mayor Stephen Mandel. To purchase tickets please contact the Kids with Cancer Society office at 780-496-2459 or email katies@kidswithcancer.ca.

A bit about the beaded journey from their site …

When children are diagnosed with cancer they receive a piece of leather twine and beads that spell out their first name. As they go through their treatment, a colourful bead is added to mark each facet of their journey including: surgeries, diagnostic procedures, scans, blood transfusions, and special events.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Hair chronicles: returning to the "old" me

I’ve been stressed out about my hair for the past few months. When it started growing back, I was happy about it. As it continued to grow, I was still sort of thrilled about it. Although, I was pretty confused about how to care for it and style it. So, I started experimenting with different products and such. And it was growing pretty well. That was good.

 

For some reason though, I got it in my head that I needed a haircut. A shaping or something. I didn’t like what I was seeing in the mirror every day. I liked the hair itself, but I didn’t like my overall look anymore. Spring is coming and I needed something with some oomph.

 

Long story short, I cut my hair last night. I went to the barbershop and sat in my regular chair and got a haircut. It has been a year and a half since the last time I sat in that chair. I was happy to see my barber and we chatted a bit about nothing per usual but it was good. It was the same rhythm from before cancer. That was what I wanted. Some of that old rhythm in my life.

 

He started those clippers and I sat there stoic-faced trying not to be shocked as the little curlies fell on the floor. But it was really hard not to cry. I don’t know why. My haircut is really nice. Very sharp. Suits me just fine. But cutting my hair was really not the move.

 

I am really unhappy. Not with his work but it is slowly dawning on me that I am not that girl anymore. Every time I try to push myself back into the old me mold, I realize that I don’t fit there anymore.

 

I made a promise to myself that I would let my hair grow. And then I cut it. For no real reason other than I wanted to feel cute and sassy again. But I am realizing that like India Arie sang… I am not my hair. Hair doesn’t define me – but I mean that in the sense that I don’t have to wear a certain style any longer to feel or express my beauty. I don’t have to go back to the old me and the old definition of what makes Nic beautiful. I can be a very pretty and beautiful Nic with long curly hair too.

 

Sigh. Just wish I had this revelation before I went to the barbershop last night. (smile)

 

Oh well, back to the beginning. We start from here growing more hair.

March Is Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month

Colorectal cancer, also called colon cancer or large bowel cancer. These include cancerous growths in the colon, rectum and appendix. 

As taken from the Canadian Press... 

… the Colorectal Cancer Association of Canada, in conjunction with government partners, has been taking a "giant colon" on the road to cities across Ontario to educate people about the disease and to promote the need for screening.

Visitors enter a Giant Colon Exhibit designed to raise awareness for colon cancer checks in Toronto on Thursday March 4, 2010.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

One Caring Gal... Renee

When I first started blogging in August of 2008, I was furiously searching the web to find other people blogging with metastatic breast cancer. I found Renee from Circling My Head, who not only had metastatic breast cancer; she had been on Taxotere too. Wow two things in common. I was so happy to find her. Someone who was going through what I was going through.

After eight treatments, the Taxotere was really beating me up ....with no end in sight. I asked Renee how many treatments she had. She replied 22 or 24 ... she couldn’t quite remember. I said to myself ... if she could do that many ... so could I. Honestly, she is the reason I got through my 20 treatments at all.

She left me so many inspiring comments on my blog ... often using the most colourful adjectives to describe cancer and its effects. Some days she helped by making me smile, others she helped me cry it all out. She always knew what to say. She gave me encouragement, just that little bit I needed to get through that day or that particular part of my cycle.

I’m very sorry to say, my good friend Renee lost her battle this week ...