Survey time... it should take you less than 1 minute. Who doesn't have 1 minute to spare?
Thanks for taking the time to answer a few questions about OYFP’s Speaker Series.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Opinions Please!
A Night at the Aquarium
If you're like me, the last time you visited the New England Aquarium you were young enough to be carried around on your dad's shoulders. Maybe he joked about leaving you there to be raised by penguins. Maybe you didn't find it particularly amusing and started crying hysterically. Maybe your dad didn't make that mistake again.Point being, it's probably been awhile since you visited the New England Aquarium.
Most of us simply don't have a reason to. It's like walking the Freedom Trail or going on a Duck Tour. It's such a touristy thing to do, a local has no place doing it.
As luck would have it, this Saturday, May 2, you do have a reason to go to the aquarium: The United Way Young Leaders organization, in partnership with OYFP, is hosting their annual gala event -- Cocktails and Starfish.
I've never been, but it looks like a pretty snazzy event, and with an open bar, plus a chance to win Patriots, Red Sox, AND U2 tickets, you can rest assured it will be a night to remember. Not to mention, Young Leaders is a fantastic organization with a strong social mission of helping local students develop important business skills to improve their futures.
Maybe it's time you re-think the aquarium and conquer your debilitating fear of aquatic life that resulted from your last visit in 1985.
More details here (about the gala event, not a personal childhood trauma):
http://oyfp.org/BOS/events/view/174/
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
connecting helps my healing...
In 2007, I decided that my closest girlfriends and I needed and deserved a girlfriends getaway weekend. I have three best girlfriends and they are the loves of my life. My life has been changed for the better because of them. Two of them live in Atlanta, one lives here in DC. I rarely see any of them. (laughs) My girl who lives here has a high-profile job that keeps her ultra busy and constantly on the move. We have a relationship that may appear to others as a little strange. We don't talk everyday, we don't see each other too often (maybe once a year and that's a big MAYBE) but the love never changes. As soon as the phone rings (or the email shows up), we connect as though we spoke 10 minutes before. I have a deep and abiding love and trust for these women.
So, when I decided in 2007 that we HAD to make time, just 3 days for each other naturally I had no idea what 2008 would have in store for me. We were still discussing where to go and when to go when I found out that I had cancer. And those plans fell by the wayside as my focus (our focus) shifted to more pressing matters like chemotherapy, and mastectomy surgery and so on.
I have called each of these sisters at different points of this journey to cry, to laugh, to connect... to feel whole again. And each of them without fail, stepped right up and embraced me over the phone or through an email and made sure that I knew just how deeply I was loved. They are the kind of friends that "I" need. They never doubt that I love them. Even during the darkest days, when I couldn't or wouldn't return phone calls -- because my heart was breaking, or I just didn't feel up to -- they kept calling. They kept reaching inside my tiny circle to hold my hand (virtually). They made me laugh and smile -- without even knowing that I may have been crying for hours -- which happened a lot then.
I'm telling you about my loves because like I said... I don't see them often and don't talk to them all the time. So, in the meantime, I've found facebook and twitter. And it has been AMAZING. Nothing could replace these women in my life but today it dawned on me that just connecting with people over facebook and twitter has helped my spirit immensely.
I know that a lot of people in the world are not familiar with twitter and facebook, although just about EVERYBODY in my world is. Celebrities are flocking to twitter because it offers them a direct line to connect with their fans, removing the filter of the paparazzi, the media, and staff. They get to be real people with real people. It has been fantastic. For the past two days, I've been chit-chatting (and eavesdropping on conversations) with people I may never meet in my life. Fantasia, DJ Dnice, Ray J, Toccarra, Plug One (from De La Soul), Shaq, The Fat Boys, DJ Jazzy Jeff, Idris Elba, Solange, Ice Tea, Spindarella, Gabrielle Union, Estelle, Tyrese, Kelly Rowland... you get the drift. There are more but I can't remember them all. What's funny is that I'm not really that big on celebrity watching, etc. I rarely read celebrity blogs or magazines and I seldom watch celebrity-focused television shows. But chatting (or eavesdropping) on celebrities on twitter has changed my perspective on things.
Why? Because I realized that they are just human beings like me. They have good days and bad, they have likes and dislikes... it just happens that their lives are exposed to many more people because of their professions. I knew that but it hit home for me today when I was twittering with all the folks I follow and who follow me and I realized I was reading and responding to people based upon what they shared about themselves and not who they were. Most of the people I follow and who follow me are strangers. But they are some of the most loving and helpful people I've met online in many years.
Have a problem? Send out a tweet. That tweet gets re-tweeted seconds later. And within a few moments hundreds or maybe thousands of people have been made aware of your question and someone usually responds immediately. It has been incredible to see bread cast upon the twitter waters and bring back whole loaves within moments. Twitter allows you to follow what is happening with other folks so you can see a question/comment go out and the responses flow back in real time. I love it.
Facebook is similar yet different and just as amazing for me. With facebook, I'm connected to people I know or have met along the way. And people I don't want to talk to, I don't have to. Facebook shares more of who you are -- pictures, links, connections to other friends and family members -- so there is more incentive to be protective of your privacy. I've enjoyed facebook immensely because it has allowed me to have brief spurts of spontaneous conversation with people I know or to NOT have those conversations if I don't feel like it.
I'm not much of a phone talker. When I do talk on the phone, I may be on there for hours but I can honestly go for weeks without talking on the phone to anyone. And not feel badly about it. (laughs) I prefer email. Strange but true.
My birthday is in a couple of days and I am celebrating a milestone. My girlfriends have been on my mind because since we didn't have our girlfriend weekend last year, we are meeting in Miami to celebrate my birthday and how far I've come on this cancer journey. I leave next Thursday and will return on Sunday. I cannot wait. Thinking about the upcoming trip, my birthday celebration and just life in general... made me realize that connecting with other people is very important to my spirit and my healing.
There are a lot of people and businesses on both Twitter and Facebook for business/marketing related reasons. And to me, that's fine. It goes with the territory of being in a capitalist society. (which I don't mind at all) But the amazing sense of comraderie and openness to simple communicating is fascinating and heartwarming to me.
When I return to work on Friday I won't be able to play with my friends during the day. I hope that the fact that I will be back among the "living" will offset any loss I feel from that disconnect with my virtual playmates.
All of this to say...
Today I realized that it is important (to my health, my sanity and my emotional balance) for me to connect with others and to share/receive from other people. I may be a loner at times but I require the "touch" of others to make everything seem balanced. Right now, I am focused on HEALING in all ways. Protecting my body and my spirit from toxic things and people. Twitter and facebook -- despite what you may hear or think -- have been helpful tools on this journey of healing discovery.
Thank you for sharing yourselves with me. You are helping me to become whole and healthy again.
So, when I decided in 2007 that we HAD to make time, just 3 days for each other naturally I had no idea what 2008 would have in store for me. We were still discussing where to go and when to go when I found out that I had cancer. And those plans fell by the wayside as my focus (our focus) shifted to more pressing matters like chemotherapy, and mastectomy surgery and so on.
I have called each of these sisters at different points of this journey to cry, to laugh, to connect... to feel whole again. And each of them without fail, stepped right up and embraced me over the phone or through an email and made sure that I knew just how deeply I was loved. They are the kind of friends that "I" need. They never doubt that I love them. Even during the darkest days, when I couldn't or wouldn't return phone calls -- because my heart was breaking, or I just didn't feel up to -- they kept calling. They kept reaching inside my tiny circle to hold my hand (virtually). They made me laugh and smile -- without even knowing that I may have been crying for hours -- which happened a lot then.
I'm telling you about my loves because like I said... I don't see them often and don't talk to them all the time. So, in the meantime, I've found facebook and twitter. And it has been AMAZING. Nothing could replace these women in my life but today it dawned on me that just connecting with people over facebook and twitter has helped my spirit immensely.
I know that a lot of people in the world are not familiar with twitter and facebook, although just about EVERYBODY in my world is. Celebrities are flocking to twitter because it offers them a direct line to connect with their fans, removing the filter of the paparazzi, the media, and staff. They get to be real people with real people. It has been fantastic. For the past two days, I've been chit-chatting (and eavesdropping on conversations) with people I may never meet in my life. Fantasia, DJ Dnice, Ray J, Toccarra, Plug One (from De La Soul), Shaq, The Fat Boys, DJ Jazzy Jeff, Idris Elba, Solange, Ice Tea, Spindarella, Gabrielle Union, Estelle, Tyrese, Kelly Rowland... you get the drift. There are more but I can't remember them all. What's funny is that I'm not really that big on celebrity watching, etc. I rarely read celebrity blogs or magazines and I seldom watch celebrity-focused television shows. But chatting (or eavesdropping) on celebrities on twitter has changed my perspective on things.
Why? Because I realized that they are just human beings like me. They have good days and bad, they have likes and dislikes... it just happens that their lives are exposed to many more people because of their professions. I knew that but it hit home for me today when I was twittering with all the folks I follow and who follow me and I realized I was reading and responding to people based upon what they shared about themselves and not who they were. Most of the people I follow and who follow me are strangers. But they are some of the most loving and helpful people I've met online in many years.
Have a problem? Send out a tweet. That tweet gets re-tweeted seconds later. And within a few moments hundreds or maybe thousands of people have been made aware of your question and someone usually responds immediately. It has been incredible to see bread cast upon the twitter waters and bring back whole loaves within moments. Twitter allows you to follow what is happening with other folks so you can see a question/comment go out and the responses flow back in real time. I love it.
Facebook is similar yet different and just as amazing for me. With facebook, I'm connected to people I know or have met along the way. And people I don't want to talk to, I don't have to. Facebook shares more of who you are -- pictures, links, connections to other friends and family members -- so there is more incentive to be protective of your privacy. I've enjoyed facebook immensely because it has allowed me to have brief spurts of spontaneous conversation with people I know or to NOT have those conversations if I don't feel like it.
I'm not much of a phone talker. When I do talk on the phone, I may be on there for hours but I can honestly go for weeks without talking on the phone to anyone. And not feel badly about it. (laughs) I prefer email. Strange but true.
My birthday is in a couple of days and I am celebrating a milestone. My girlfriends have been on my mind because since we didn't have our girlfriend weekend last year, we are meeting in Miami to celebrate my birthday and how far I've come on this cancer journey. I leave next Thursday and will return on Sunday. I cannot wait. Thinking about the upcoming trip, my birthday celebration and just life in general... made me realize that connecting with other people is very important to my spirit and my healing.
There are a lot of people and businesses on both Twitter and Facebook for business/marketing related reasons. And to me, that's fine. It goes with the territory of being in a capitalist society. (which I don't mind at all) But the amazing sense of comraderie and openness to simple communicating is fascinating and heartwarming to me.
When I return to work on Friday I won't be able to play with my friends during the day. I hope that the fact that I will be back among the "living" will offset any loss I feel from that disconnect with my virtual playmates.
All of this to say...
Today I realized that it is important (to my health, my sanity and my emotional balance) for me to connect with others and to share/receive from other people. I may be a loner at times but I require the "touch" of others to make everything seem balanced. Right now, I am focused on HEALING in all ways. Protecting my body and my spirit from toxic things and people. Twitter and facebook -- despite what you may hear or think -- have been helpful tools on this journey of healing discovery.
Thank you for sharing yourselves with me. You are helping me to become whole and healthy again.
Be a Best Buddy
Ever heard of Best Buddies? There’s a good chance that you have heard of this noteworthy nonprofit. Since its founding in 1989 by Anthony Kennedy Shriver, Best Buddies has grown into an international organization. There are more than 1,400 college, high school and middle school campuses across the globe dedicated to enhancing the lives of people with intellectual disabilities by providing opportunities for one-to-one friendships. Plus, there’s also Best Buddies Jobs, which provides people with intellectual disabilities with integrated employment opportunities.
Best Buddies provides a lot of ways to become involved. An easy way to find out how you can get started is by attending the Best Buddies Open House on May 7th. Stop by the Best Buddies office to learn about the organization’s mission over refreshments, and donate to support the office’s very own team for the Audi Best Buddies Challenge: Hyannis Port. Two employees at Best Buddies Massachusetts, Jessica and Cara, will be cycling 100 miles in the challenge and have pledged to raise $20,000 for Best Buddies’ cause, so please support their effort.
For more information on Best Buddies, please go to www.bestbuddiesma.org.
For more information on the Audi Best Buddies Challenge, please go to www.bestbuddieschallenge.org.
Open House Details
When – Thursday, May 7th from 5:30 to 8:00
Where – Best Buddies Massachusetts Office
45 Bromfield Street, 3rd Floor, Boston
Suggested donation of $15 per person or $25 for two people to support the Audi Best Buddies Challenge team.
Please RSVP to carolynostrom@bestbuddies.org
Best Buddies provides a lot of ways to become involved. An easy way to find out how you can get started is by attending the Best Buddies Open House on May 7th. Stop by the Best Buddies office to learn about the organization’s mission over refreshments, and donate to support the office’s very own team for the Audi Best Buddies Challenge: Hyannis Port. Two employees at Best Buddies Massachusetts, Jessica and Cara, will be cycling 100 miles in the challenge and have pledged to raise $20,000 for Best Buddies’ cause, so please support their effort.
For more information on Best Buddies, please go to www.bestbuddiesma.org.
For more information on the Audi Best Buddies Challenge, please go to www.bestbuddieschallenge.org.
Open House Details
When – Thursday, May 7th from 5:30 to 8:00
Where – Best Buddies Massachusetts Office
45 Bromfield Street, 3rd Floor, Boston
Suggested donation of $15 per person or $25 for two people to support the Audi Best Buddies Challenge team.
Please RSVP to carolynostrom@bestbuddies.org
Saturday, April 25, 2009
home from the gala... and i miss cleavage and v-neck tops
The cancer gala was very nice. It was also a little boring. Not drastically so. I didn't yawn, or even fidget much. But, it was a bit dry. The food was... eh. Not stupendous but okay. The room was FABULOUS. The event was at the Ritz Carlton and it was well coordinated but it just wasn't "fun".
sigh.
My oncologist (the ever so wonderful Dr. Siegel) was one of the speakers for the evening and it was great seeing him at the podium. I didn't get the opportunity to speak to him -- I didn't feel up to navigating all the tables to find him -- but it was reassuring that he was there. Other than my mother, the only person I recognized in the room was Mayor-for-life Marion Barry. And he was sitting several tables from us as well. Not that I know him to strike up a conversation with him.
Let me go back to the beginning of the evening.
My hot flashes must be triggered by stress because I could barely put my makeup on and get dressed in a timely fashion because I was sweating like an overexerted athlete. There is a special frustration when you take 15 minutes to carefully put on your makeup, only to watch it disintegrate into nothingness because of relentless hot flashes. I had to leave the bathroom several times to go into my bedroom and stand (in my underwear) in front of my fan trying to cool off.
It was not amusing.
My dress, while nice was just a shade more "ordinary"... um conservative?... okay boring... than I would have worn prior to cancer. It was a perfectly fine "little black dress" but it wasn't sexy (not to me) and it wasn't fabulous and I didn't feel sexy or fabulous in it. The extra large rectangle of burned/discolored skin presents real challenges for me to dress around. Adding to the dilemma is the issue that one breast does not make cleavage. And many many outfits are designed to show off very feminine and alluring cleavage.
The dress was a sleeveless black dress with a sheer-ish fabric covering my chest area. The top had just a sprinkle of crystals to give it some shine and a drape in the back to provide just a hint of sexy. It stopped just at my knee, and it had a little "flow" to it at the bottom. It wasn't a bad dress at all... in fact, it would be the perfect "work dinner" dress because it covered everything. It just wasn't the kind of dress you wore with an extra bounce in your step because you KNOW you look amazing.
I didn't look amazing. I didn't feel amazing. And the reason why I cried in the dressing room on Friday was because there were dresses that I really thought were gorgeous but I knew I would be too uncomfortable to wear in my current state.
Tonight was one of the first times in my life that I noticed other women's cleavage and/or dress designs to the degree that I did. Normally, I notice just the dress and sometimes the woman in the dress. Tonight, every woman I saw, I found myself looking at more closely trying to "see" if she also was a breast cancer survivor. I looked for scars, lopsidedness, radiation scars. I couldn't tell. (laughs) And I suppose that it was for the best.
I never longed for cleavage before my mastectomy. With larger breasts, I never had to. I did have to learn to embrace those curves and appreciate the beauty in their very obvious femininity. And I did learn to love my breasts, and my cleavage. I am having a more difficult time than I imagined learning to love my new body. I imagine that after my reconstruction, I will have another learning curve to accepting the new breasts as well.
But tonight, my emotions were in overdrive. I felt like an imposter - pretending to be comfortable in my skin and confident about who I am. When I felt nothing like that at all.
All of this is pretty shallow but not truly so because it affected the way I felt tonight. I didn't feel "pretty". I looked fine but not "Nic-fine"... if that makes any sense at all. When I walked out of the house tonight I simply wasn't feeling fully myself. I felt like a pretender and that feeling dogged my mood all night.
So, I'm sitting with my mom and we only know each other. The other people at our table seemed to be just as uncomfortable as we were and they weren't very chatty or personable either (at first - they warmed up by the end of dinner). We are sitting in a vast ballroom of strangers, unable to mix and mingle because we arrived just at the beginning of dinner. That didn't help. The program was long and rather tedious, I felt "un-sexy" and a bit uncomfortable... and the food wasn't great.
I will say this though, my appreciation for the cancer center increased exponentially tonight. These folks do great work for a lot of people and their hearts are truly into their work. Its a beautiful thing. I am grateful that I had the chance to go to the gala tonight. Normally, a formal event gives me reason to reflect on my life and how lucky I am. But tonight's reflection brought tears to my eyes and a stab of fear into my heart. One of the evening's award recipients was a phenomenal sister who is going through her second bout of cancer. She had breast cancer in 2002 and it returned last year with a vengence. Her smile during her acceptance speech was absolutely electric. By the time she got up to speak, I learned that I was sitting at the table with several friends of hers and her neice and nephew. I was the only cancer patient at my table.
Her family and friends adored her. She received several standing ovations and based on what was shared about her life, I could see why. She was a very accomplished woman and by all accounts, a very warm and generous spirit. She was truly inspirational. And yet, looking at her small frame, and her shiny bald head made me sad in ways that I can't express. Her current reality is my nightmare. For all of her accomplishments, she could not stop cancer from returning to ravage her body. She spoke about how blessed she was to even have cancer, how much she gained because of cancer -- the people she had met, the awards she received and the outpouring of love from the people in her life. I understood her words but I honestly thought to myself that I would give all of it back (in my own life) if it would keep cancer from returning to my body.
By the end of her speech, close to the end of the evening... I was beyond ready to go. I no longer felt like the event was fun and a light-hearted way to spend a Saturday evening. I felt exposed and vulnerable. I felt afraid and angry. I wanted to go home. Now that I'm home and revisiting how I felt throughout the evening, I'm realizing I had less of a good time than I realized at the time.
I have so much work to do to get back to a level place emotionally. I didn't have a horrible time tonight, not at all. But as I review the evening and try to be honest with myself... my dissatisfaction had a lot to do with how I felt about myself, moreso than how the event itself went.
My next "event" is on Saturday; my birthday brunch. I realize now that I have to do whatever it takes to be sure that I FEEL fabulous, so that I can fully be in the moment and not in my head. It should be better because I will be surrounded by people I love and who love me. Instead of sitting in a vast room of strangers, feeling too timid to speak up, and too bored to have a great time.
My 40th birthday is Friday, May 1st. If you get a chance, send me an email saying "happy birthday". Right now, I'm not planning to go out on Friday. I may go to work, but that's about it. And even that is up in the air. (smile)
sigh.
My oncologist (the ever so wonderful Dr. Siegel) was one of the speakers for the evening and it was great seeing him at the podium. I didn't get the opportunity to speak to him -- I didn't feel up to navigating all the tables to find him -- but it was reassuring that he was there. Other than my mother, the only person I recognized in the room was Mayor-for-life Marion Barry. And he was sitting several tables from us as well. Not that I know him to strike up a conversation with him.
Let me go back to the beginning of the evening.
My hot flashes must be triggered by stress because I could barely put my makeup on and get dressed in a timely fashion because I was sweating like an overexerted athlete. There is a special frustration when you take 15 minutes to carefully put on your makeup, only to watch it disintegrate into nothingness because of relentless hot flashes. I had to leave the bathroom several times to go into my bedroom and stand (in my underwear) in front of my fan trying to cool off.
It was not amusing.
My dress, while nice was just a shade more "ordinary"... um conservative?... okay boring... than I would have worn prior to cancer. It was a perfectly fine "little black dress" but it wasn't sexy (not to me) and it wasn't fabulous and I didn't feel sexy or fabulous in it. The extra large rectangle of burned/discolored skin presents real challenges for me to dress around. Adding to the dilemma is the issue that one breast does not make cleavage. And many many outfits are designed to show off very feminine and alluring cleavage.
The dress was a sleeveless black dress with a sheer-ish fabric covering my chest area. The top had just a sprinkle of crystals to give it some shine and a drape in the back to provide just a hint of sexy. It stopped just at my knee, and it had a little "flow" to it at the bottom. It wasn't a bad dress at all... in fact, it would be the perfect "work dinner" dress because it covered everything. It just wasn't the kind of dress you wore with an extra bounce in your step because you KNOW you look amazing.
I didn't look amazing. I didn't feel amazing. And the reason why I cried in the dressing room on Friday was because there were dresses that I really thought were gorgeous but I knew I would be too uncomfortable to wear in my current state.
Tonight was one of the first times in my life that I noticed other women's cleavage and/or dress designs to the degree that I did. Normally, I notice just the dress and sometimes the woman in the dress. Tonight, every woman I saw, I found myself looking at more closely trying to "see" if she also was a breast cancer survivor. I looked for scars, lopsidedness, radiation scars. I couldn't tell. (laughs) And I suppose that it was for the best.
I never longed for cleavage before my mastectomy. With larger breasts, I never had to. I did have to learn to embrace those curves and appreciate the beauty in their very obvious femininity. And I did learn to love my breasts, and my cleavage. I am having a more difficult time than I imagined learning to love my new body. I imagine that after my reconstruction, I will have another learning curve to accepting the new breasts as well.
But tonight, my emotions were in overdrive. I felt like an imposter - pretending to be comfortable in my skin and confident about who I am. When I felt nothing like that at all.
All of this is pretty shallow but not truly so because it affected the way I felt tonight. I didn't feel "pretty". I looked fine but not "Nic-fine"... if that makes any sense at all. When I walked out of the house tonight I simply wasn't feeling fully myself. I felt like a pretender and that feeling dogged my mood all night.
So, I'm sitting with my mom and we only know each other. The other people at our table seemed to be just as uncomfortable as we were and they weren't very chatty or personable either (at first - they warmed up by the end of dinner). We are sitting in a vast ballroom of strangers, unable to mix and mingle because we arrived just at the beginning of dinner. That didn't help. The program was long and rather tedious, I felt "un-sexy" and a bit uncomfortable... and the food wasn't great.
I will say this though, my appreciation for the cancer center increased exponentially tonight. These folks do great work for a lot of people and their hearts are truly into their work. Its a beautiful thing. I am grateful that I had the chance to go to the gala tonight. Normally, a formal event gives me reason to reflect on my life and how lucky I am. But tonight's reflection brought tears to my eyes and a stab of fear into my heart. One of the evening's award recipients was a phenomenal sister who is going through her second bout of cancer. She had breast cancer in 2002 and it returned last year with a vengence. Her smile during her acceptance speech was absolutely electric. By the time she got up to speak, I learned that I was sitting at the table with several friends of hers and her neice and nephew. I was the only cancer patient at my table.
Her family and friends adored her. She received several standing ovations and based on what was shared about her life, I could see why. She was a very accomplished woman and by all accounts, a very warm and generous spirit. She was truly inspirational. And yet, looking at her small frame, and her shiny bald head made me sad in ways that I can't express. Her current reality is my nightmare. For all of her accomplishments, she could not stop cancer from returning to ravage her body. She spoke about how blessed she was to even have cancer, how much she gained because of cancer -- the people she had met, the awards she received and the outpouring of love from the people in her life. I understood her words but I honestly thought to myself that I would give all of it back (in my own life) if it would keep cancer from returning to my body.
By the end of her speech, close to the end of the evening... I was beyond ready to go. I no longer felt like the event was fun and a light-hearted way to spend a Saturday evening. I felt exposed and vulnerable. I felt afraid and angry. I wanted to go home. Now that I'm home and revisiting how I felt throughout the evening, I'm realizing I had less of a good time than I realized at the time.
I have so much work to do to get back to a level place emotionally. I didn't have a horrible time tonight, not at all. But as I review the evening and try to be honest with myself... my dissatisfaction had a lot to do with how I felt about myself, moreso than how the event itself went.
My next "event" is on Saturday; my birthday brunch. I realize now that I have to do whatever it takes to be sure that I FEEL fabulous, so that I can fully be in the moment and not in my head. It should be better because I will be surrounded by people I love and who love me. Instead of sitting in a vast room of strangers, feeling too timid to speak up, and too bored to have a great time.
My 40th birthday is Friday, May 1st. If you get a chance, send me an email saying "happy birthday". Right now, I'm not planning to go out on Friday. I may go to work, but that's about it. And even that is up in the air. (smile)
cancer, cancer... everywhere
Last night was like most other nights recently. I had a difficult time falling asleep and endured repeated hot flashes that bathed me in moisture all night long. After the weird effects from the ambien earlier this week, I've resigned myself to just dealing with the drama at night without those pills.
I fell asleep around 5:30 am and awoke to my cellphone alerting me to new emails at 9:00 am. Usually I ignore the phone and just go back to sleep, but this morning something told me that I needed to see what was going on. And I'm really glad that I did.
I had received an email from an e-friend (smile) who shared some bad news about cancer touching her life. Her pain was so raw and although I've never met this sista in person, I wanted to go to her side and just hug her.
Since my diagnosis, I can't get away from cancer. For a long time, I thought that "getting away" was the goal. I wanted to move to a life where I didn't think about cancer anymore. But I'm coming to accept that it won't be possible to get away and even if it were possible, I'm not sure that I should.
Cancer is one of those illnesses that is always portrayed as a big scary monster. Television characters and movies use the word "cancer" as the ultimate threat. The fear of dying from cancer, the fear of living through cancer treatments... and so forth, just hangs out in the air like a blanket. Smothering us at its own will.
Even when you're not living in fear of the disease striking you personally, if it strikes someone close to you or someone that you recognize (like a neighbor or a celebrity)... it just hits a negative chord. Either we have become spoiled because of our track record with irradicating diseases or our ignorance about the disease is driving us mad. Maybe its both.
I'm supposed to be getting dressed right now to go to the cancer gala this evening. But I can't stop thinking about my friend's new family situation and the path ahead for them. I just read another breast cancer survivor's blog about healing after breast cancer. Her perspective was that healing is a process and you really don't start "healing" in a whole body-mind sort of way until after you've gotten through your treatment. I really agree with her.
I want to be able to tell everyone that now that my mastectomy is over, the harshest chemotherapy is past and my radiation treatment has finished... that NOW I'm healed and ready for the world. But the truth is that I cannot foresee the day when I don't have a thought or a tear about cancer. I may look okay and feel better but I know that this battle hasn't been won and it isn't over.
My doctor (the fabulous Dr. Robert Siegel) has been very careful not to say that I'm cured of breast cancer. Even though he is very optimistic about my future and has been very excited about the way that I've handled all of the treatment so far I am longing for the day when I hear that I'm in remission. But I'm wondering whether that word will just then become another label that I'm forced to wear without realizing the full weight of it until its too late.
My advice to my friend was that she allow herself room to grieve and be sad about this news. I am a true believer that we self-impose stress on ourselves trying to be brave and strong all the time. We are strong, but sometimes the best way to show our strength and to use our strength is to be vulnerable. Don't wallow in your weakness but accept those soft spots that we all have as part of the entire package of you.
Getting the diagnosis that you have (or someone you love has) cancer feels like the worst day of your life. And if my story is indication of other stories... you will remember nuances of that day for a very long time. But, I have to tell you, diagnosis is only the beginning. The road is hard and it is long -- if you're fortunate, very long. But you learn about yourself, your ability to love, your ability to be resilient, to be giving, to be... human. Willingly walking into the fire of cancer treatment is no easy decision and there will be many moments of doubt and fear. But you CAN get through this.
I tell myself everyday... usually after I've shed a few tears about something... that this is not THE END.
And to my friend, I am sending up prayers, sending healing thoughts and peace... but mostly I am waiting with open arms and ears for those moments when she will just need to talk/vent/cry/shout/whatever.
I will be here for you on those days. I am here for you now sis. We will all walk through this time together.
~Nicole
I fell asleep around 5:30 am and awoke to my cellphone alerting me to new emails at 9:00 am. Usually I ignore the phone and just go back to sleep, but this morning something told me that I needed to see what was going on. And I'm really glad that I did.
I had received an email from an e-friend (smile) who shared some bad news about cancer touching her life. Her pain was so raw and although I've never met this sista in person, I wanted to go to her side and just hug her.
Since my diagnosis, I can't get away from cancer. For a long time, I thought that "getting away" was the goal. I wanted to move to a life where I didn't think about cancer anymore. But I'm coming to accept that it won't be possible to get away and even if it were possible, I'm not sure that I should.
Cancer is one of those illnesses that is always portrayed as a big scary monster. Television characters and movies use the word "cancer" as the ultimate threat. The fear of dying from cancer, the fear of living through cancer treatments... and so forth, just hangs out in the air like a blanket. Smothering us at its own will.
Even when you're not living in fear of the disease striking you personally, if it strikes someone close to you or someone that you recognize (like a neighbor or a celebrity)... it just hits a negative chord. Either we have become spoiled because of our track record with irradicating diseases or our ignorance about the disease is driving us mad. Maybe its both.
I'm supposed to be getting dressed right now to go to the cancer gala this evening. But I can't stop thinking about my friend's new family situation and the path ahead for them. I just read another breast cancer survivor's blog about healing after breast cancer. Her perspective was that healing is a process and you really don't start "healing" in a whole body-mind sort of way until after you've gotten through your treatment. I really agree with her.
I want to be able to tell everyone that now that my mastectomy is over, the harshest chemotherapy is past and my radiation treatment has finished... that NOW I'm healed and ready for the world. But the truth is that I cannot foresee the day when I don't have a thought or a tear about cancer. I may look okay and feel better but I know that this battle hasn't been won and it isn't over.
My doctor (the fabulous Dr. Robert Siegel) has been very careful not to say that I'm cured of breast cancer. Even though he is very optimistic about my future and has been very excited about the way that I've handled all of the treatment so far I am longing for the day when I hear that I'm in remission. But I'm wondering whether that word will just then become another label that I'm forced to wear without realizing the full weight of it until its too late.
My advice to my friend was that she allow herself room to grieve and be sad about this news. I am a true believer that we self-impose stress on ourselves trying to be brave and strong all the time. We are strong, but sometimes the best way to show our strength and to use our strength is to be vulnerable. Don't wallow in your weakness but accept those soft spots that we all have as part of the entire package of you.
Getting the diagnosis that you have (or someone you love has) cancer feels like the worst day of your life. And if my story is indication of other stories... you will remember nuances of that day for a very long time. But, I have to tell you, diagnosis is only the beginning. The road is hard and it is long -- if you're fortunate, very long. But you learn about yourself, your ability to love, your ability to be resilient, to be giving, to be... human. Willingly walking into the fire of cancer treatment is no easy decision and there will be many moments of doubt and fear. But you CAN get through this.
I tell myself everyday... usually after I've shed a few tears about something... that this is not THE END.
And to my friend, I am sending up prayers, sending healing thoughts and peace... but mostly I am waiting with open arms and ears for those moments when she will just need to talk/vent/cry/shout/whatever.
I will be here for you on those days. I am here for you now sis. We will all walk through this time together.
~Nicole
Friday, April 24, 2009
While it's nice-try volunteering outside
Ah the weather I have been waiting for all week long is finally here. Sun glorious sun, open-toed shoes, warm weather, ahhhhhh. From what I here this weekend is going to be even warmer! Nothing to do this weekend? Sure you can just lay there and soak up the rays, but why not be active and help a great cause at the same time? OYFP is teaming up with Boston Cares for their annual event Dash for a Differnence. Think Amazing Race-volunteer style.
Teams of two-five will participate in brief volunteer tasks at community agencies, with a healthy dose of fun and informative quests in between. All teams will be invited to celebrate the day’s successes with snacks and beer at their final stop – the Samuel Adams Celebration of Service in downtown Boston
If you still have Questions you can always contact Rachel Ratner, rratner@bostoncares.org or 617.422.0910 x203
The Details
Date: Saturday, April 25th
Time: 9 am - 2 pm
Location: Various Boston Neighborhoods
Partner: Boston Cares
Picture of: Dash for Difference logo
Thursday, April 23, 2009
i still have a sleeping problem and i have a new silicone boobie...
Well... the ambien was a mess! I got a higher dosage than before and that stuff is crazy. I took the ambien late on Tuesday night and spent all day Wednesday in serious pain. I was nauseous and headachy... my stomach was so tender that I couldn't eat. In fact I threw up many times before I even had a chance to eat. It was not pretty. I had to go to the hospital to get an echocardiogram and I nearly cried through the whole process.
I made myself go alone. Not because my mother wouldn't take me but because I'm trying to force myself/stretch myself into some independence. As soon as I left the house I wanted to call my mother to come and get me. But I knew that I HAD to get this test, I couldn't delay it again so I took some deep breaths and just trudged through it. And I made it but it was really hard.
Those of you who know me... know that I do not have a poker face. Everything I'm thinking and feeling shows up on my grill. The poor technician who did my echo was quite worried about me. I was an emotional wreck. I talked to my doctor before I left the building and he told me that it was probably the ambien that was making me feel so horrible and that if it didn't get better in a day he would switch me to something else.
Um. Yeah. Nicole will not be taking anymore of those pills. I don't know what I'm going to do about sleep -- tylenol pm just isn't working but neither is this ambien. Oh well. We'll figure something out.
Today's excitement is that ... my new silicone prosthesis arrived today. WOW! It feels like jello in my hand, haha! I ordered the largest size they had because my foam prosthesis is significantly smaller than my breast and it looks really crazy to me. I am not balanced. But, this sucker is HUGE. (laughs) Huge being relative because I don't think its still quite the size of my natural breast but it is much closer and the weight is more accurate. The foam prosthesis feels sort of like a shoulder pad so when I have it on, I don't feel it really. But according to the information that is out there -- not wearing a prosthesis that is close to the size of your natural breast (or not wearing one at all) can cause problems with your posture and your shoulders.
I can tell by looking at myself, and checking myself at various points in the day, that its true. I favor my left side a bit more now. I hold my arm constantly at an angle across my body -- sort of an unconscious attempt to protect myself I think. They call it a "napolean reflex". (laughs) So if you see me and I'm holding my arm -- just kindly (and gently) push my hand down to my side. I try to remember to do that during the day when I realize that I'm holding it up. Its bizarre really. But, not uncommon it seems.
I can't wait until I have my reconstruction surgery and am really feeling whole again. I haven't been fitted for a prosthesis yet -- simply because I haven't made the time to find a store that specializes in these products and made an appointment. I honestly don't want to. But I will because I know I need to. In the meantime, I needed to get something to wear (at the minimum) that was waterproof and swimmable. Because I will spend some time in the ocean.
I just re-read (quickly) what I wrote here and it sounds like I'm chastising myself about wearing my prosthesis. I don't mean to be so hard on myself. Or appear that way. If I weren't going to the beach, wearing the foam prosthesis (shoulder pad, lol) would be acceptable for a while longer because I'm only a short time out of radiation. I don't imagine that I'll wear this silicone one too often at first -- because it really does feel heavy. But I will work up to wearing it comfortably.
I tell you. I don't know how some women get breast implants and double or triple their natural size - or go even larger than that. Its CRAZY! Breasts are heavy. Sheesh. Any way... what other goodies did I get? Oh! I also got a medic-alert bracelet. (laughs) Who woulda thunk that I would ever need one of those? Because I had a radical mastectomy and had some lymph nodes removed, I am at an increased risk of getting lymphodema. Because of that risk, I can no longer have my blood pressure taken on my left arm, or have injections on my left arm. It dawned on me that I might want to wear something that (just in case) would alert medical personnel that I do have a medical issue that they have to be aware of. Its not the "prettiest" bracelet I've ever seen but hopefully it will never ever have to be used.
At any rate... I talked to my HR disability person and she said that I am tentatively scheduled to come back to work on May 1 -- my birthday. But... even though they are expecting me at that time, I still can't actually walk on the premises until I have my doctor RELEASE me to return to work. Ugh. More paperwork. (shrug) But I can definitely tell that I'm ready to go back because I was talking that poor lady to death this afternoon. (laughs) I did apologize for my exuberance though.
My swimsuits are on their way and I also received today the "pockets" that I need to sew into them to hold the prosthesis. I have to chuckle at all of this preparation because its just not my style to work this hard. I'm learning to go with the flow more and more... and I'm working on not comparing myself today to myself 6 months ago. All in all, today was a good day -- even though I didn't go shopping for a dress today. But the plan is to head out tomorrow and hopefully find something at the first place I stop. Haha! Like that's even reasonable.
Today was good because I ate food and didn't vomit. My headache has practically gone away and I've crossed more things off my to-do list. I've had a few moments of sadness, thinking about dating and the future but after a few tears and a little bit of worrying... I pushed on. Whether or not I meet the right guy doesn't matter as much as learning to love this new stage of my life. As much as I'm worried about what dating might be like in the future, I know that its only going to be as good as I am. I'm finding my way back to peace through meditation and prayer and reading scriptures at night. Right now I'm planning to forestall dating until 2010 but we will see what happens. (and yes, I do have a reason for that...)
I made myself go alone. Not because my mother wouldn't take me but because I'm trying to force myself/stretch myself into some independence. As soon as I left the house I wanted to call my mother to come and get me. But I knew that I HAD to get this test, I couldn't delay it again so I took some deep breaths and just trudged through it. And I made it but it was really hard.
Those of you who know me... know that I do not have a poker face. Everything I'm thinking and feeling shows up on my grill. The poor technician who did my echo was quite worried about me. I was an emotional wreck. I talked to my doctor before I left the building and he told me that it was probably the ambien that was making me feel so horrible and that if it didn't get better in a day he would switch me to something else.
Um. Yeah. Nicole will not be taking anymore of those pills. I don't know what I'm going to do about sleep -- tylenol pm just isn't working but neither is this ambien. Oh well. We'll figure something out.
Today's excitement is that ... my new silicone prosthesis arrived today. WOW! It feels like jello in my hand, haha! I ordered the largest size they had because my foam prosthesis is significantly smaller than my breast and it looks really crazy to me. I am not balanced. But, this sucker is HUGE. (laughs) Huge being relative because I don't think its still quite the size of my natural breast but it is much closer and the weight is more accurate. The foam prosthesis feels sort of like a shoulder pad so when I have it on, I don't feel it really. But according to the information that is out there -- not wearing a prosthesis that is close to the size of your natural breast (or not wearing one at all) can cause problems with your posture and your shoulders.
I can tell by looking at myself, and checking myself at various points in the day, that its true. I favor my left side a bit more now. I hold my arm constantly at an angle across my body -- sort of an unconscious attempt to protect myself I think. They call it a "napolean reflex". (laughs) So if you see me and I'm holding my arm -- just kindly (and gently) push my hand down to my side. I try to remember to do that during the day when I realize that I'm holding it up. Its bizarre really. But, not uncommon it seems.
I can't wait until I have my reconstruction surgery and am really feeling whole again. I haven't been fitted for a prosthesis yet -- simply because I haven't made the time to find a store that specializes in these products and made an appointment. I honestly don't want to. But I will because I know I need to. In the meantime, I needed to get something to wear (at the minimum) that was waterproof and swimmable. Because I will spend some time in the ocean.
I just re-read (quickly) what I wrote here and it sounds like I'm chastising myself about wearing my prosthesis. I don't mean to be so hard on myself. Or appear that way. If I weren't going to the beach, wearing the foam prosthesis (shoulder pad, lol) would be acceptable for a while longer because I'm only a short time out of radiation. I don't imagine that I'll wear this silicone one too often at first -- because it really does feel heavy. But I will work up to wearing it comfortably.
I tell you. I don't know how some women get breast implants and double or triple their natural size - or go even larger than that. Its CRAZY! Breasts are heavy. Sheesh. Any way... what other goodies did I get? Oh! I also got a medic-alert bracelet. (laughs) Who woulda thunk that I would ever need one of those? Because I had a radical mastectomy and had some lymph nodes removed, I am at an increased risk of getting lymphodema. Because of that risk, I can no longer have my blood pressure taken on my left arm, or have injections on my left arm. It dawned on me that I might want to wear something that (just in case) would alert medical personnel that I do have a medical issue that they have to be aware of. Its not the "prettiest" bracelet I've ever seen but hopefully it will never ever have to be used.
At any rate... I talked to my HR disability person and she said that I am tentatively scheduled to come back to work on May 1 -- my birthday. But... even though they are expecting me at that time, I still can't actually walk on the premises until I have my doctor RELEASE me to return to work. Ugh. More paperwork. (shrug) But I can definitely tell that I'm ready to go back because I was talking that poor lady to death this afternoon. (laughs) I did apologize for my exuberance though.
My swimsuits are on their way and I also received today the "pockets" that I need to sew into them to hold the prosthesis. I have to chuckle at all of this preparation because its just not my style to work this hard. I'm learning to go with the flow more and more... and I'm working on not comparing myself today to myself 6 months ago. All in all, today was a good day -- even though I didn't go shopping for a dress today. But the plan is to head out tomorrow and hopefully find something at the first place I stop. Haha! Like that's even reasonable.
Today was good because I ate food and didn't vomit. My headache has practically gone away and I've crossed more things off my to-do list. I've had a few moments of sadness, thinking about dating and the future but after a few tears and a little bit of worrying... I pushed on. Whether or not I meet the right guy doesn't matter as much as learning to love this new stage of my life. As much as I'm worried about what dating might be like in the future, I know that its only going to be as good as I am. I'm finding my way back to peace through meditation and prayer and reading scriptures at night. Right now I'm planning to forestall dating until 2010 but we will see what happens. (and yes, I do have a reason for that...)
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
i'm going to a ball, my birthday is coming... and i'm still emotional
It just dawned on me that my birthday is coming right up. Its in less than 10 days -- eek -- and I don't have a thing to wear. Hmmm... not sure what I'm going to do. I decided to switch up my celebration a bit from my normal happy hour, or reserved table at the club. My energy is just not what it used to be and I did not want to put myself in a situation where I ended up leaving my own party too soon. (laughs) So, I opted to have a brunch. I like to eat and I figured that having a brunch would allow my friends (married and single, with and without kids) to celebrate with me without the stress of going to the club. Plus, it seemed more adult to have a brunch. (laughs) I am looking forward to the day and I hope that the rain clouds stay away.
So... I still haven't solved the swimsuit dilemma and now I have two additional shopping emergencies to work out. (sigh) First, is deciding what to wear to the brunch. You would not believe the mental hoops I've been putting myself through trying to decide whether to wear a dress, a skirt, jeans or a suit. For weeks, I was determined to find the prettiest and most feminine dress. I wanted to feel like a lady. But then one day, I actually stopped and looked (well, stared actually) at the radiation scar/burn... and it dawned on me that I wasn't really up to showing that to anyone. Its not horrible, in fact its much better than it was just a week ago... but its not pretty either. I'm rather self-conscious about how I look these days so, I didn't want to wear anything that might disturb my peace of mind on that day.
So my next thought was to wear some nice trousers with a crisp white shirt. But then, I got all discombobulated thinking about choices. Throw in the dilemma about what shoes and what purse to carry... and then I just shut down for a few days. Shopping before my cancer treatment wasn't always fun but if I had the money to spend, then I could always find something to look nice in. Now... jeez. I have to consider so many things that I didn't think of before. My body is different now, and its not just because I only have one breast but its also because my skin is burned and black, my breast forms are not the same size as my natural breast so I worry about looking lopsided. And I worry about my burns peeking out for the world to see.
(sigh)
Its just overly dramatic in my mind. And I'm tired of over-thinking everything. So... I moved from thinking about trousers and a shirt to wearing a suit and a feminine blouse. And I think that's where I'm going to stay. (laughs) For now. So... let's throw another twist into my shopping dilemma....
I'M GOING TO A BALL this weekend.
ha! Can you believe that? I received a call from the hospital inviting me and a guest to go to the cancer gala this Saturday night. I accepted because the folks at my cancer center have become super important to me. Super-duper important. I can't state it enough actually. I love those folks like I love my family/friends. This event is a fundraiser for the cancer center and the tickets are $500 per person. (ouch!) But luckily, I am able to attend as a guest of the cancer center and bring a guest. I asked my mother to go with me. I asked her to go at first because I was so excited and I thought that she would enjoy a "glam" night out. Plus, she's been so good at being by my side every step of the way -- especially since my boyfriend became to busy and then eventually became my ex-boyfriend. She didn't miss a beat in helping me out everyday, making sure I made it to every appointment, filled my prescriptions, had adequate rest and good nutritional habits. She has been my #1 supporter.
But... the downside -- which didn't hit me until a day or so later -- was that I don't have a doggone thing to wear. The event is this Saturday and I don't have a dress or even shoes for the grand event. I suppose that I will figure something out. But its just another twist on the shopping drama.
Let's add it up, shall we? I still need at least 1 swim suit and a cover up, related sun accessories; I need a fancy dress w/shoes and finally... a birthday outfit as well. For a sister on a limited budget and low energy... this is a tall order. But I'm up for the challenge, or I'm going to miss out on some fun activities. And I don't want to miss out on another thing in this life. Not another thing.
I had a great weekend. Had dinner with some girlfriends, celebrating another birthday and then we followed up with drinks and giggles at a martini lounge. It was fun. I enjoyed lots of champagne (early toasts to myself for just making it through the past few months) and even danced a little bit. I wasn't totally the "old" Nic but I certainly was very much the "new" Nicole. And I enjoyed myself immensely. I think I stayed out too long and drank too much wine but it was a really good time. I spent Saturday in bed... my joints were aching something terribly and I was just tired. But I sort of expected that. I walked a lot on Friday -- got turned around before I made it to the restaurant -- and then I was dancing and drinking like I didn't have a care. I figured it would come down on me later and it did. Sunday, my parents and I went to National Harbor and had dinner together. It was another really good time.
My parents are really wonderful people and they make me laugh all the time. All the time. I always threaten them that I'm going to put some hidden cameras in the house and tape a reality show about them. (laughs) But they are wonderful parents and good people. I feel so blessed to have them in my life. I relish the time we spend together, especially the happy laughing times. Life for all of us has been so stressful and scary over the past year. And I feel a lot of guilt about having cancer, having to rely on them so much, even for not being married yet and not having kids. Yep. I know its irrational, but its what I feel.
I went to chemotherapy today - a day early - for my herceptin treatment. I was not scheduled to see my oncologist today, but I got lucky (laughs) and had a chance to see him for a few moments. Dr. Siegel is just wonderful. He and the nurses at the cancer center have been my sunshine through all of this craziness. I know that they have stressful and demanding jobs. And it would not be unreasonable if they were curt or rude on occasion but they haven't been. Dr. Siegel always has a smile and a joke for me; or some flattery. (laughs) He's very human. And the nurses are too. They have made some mistakes (the nurses) but nothing that wasn't fixable. The reason I went to chemotherapy a day early was because one of the nurses made an error. She ordered herceptin from the pharmacy but it was a mistake. The herceptin has to be used within 24 hours of preparation or it is trashed. So, the nurse called me and asked me sweetly if I would come in a day early for my treatment. No muss, no fuss.
When I'm in the cancer center, I watch the other patients -- I just love watching people no matter where I am -- and some of the patients are just cruel and harsh to the staff. And it makes for an uncomfortable setting for everyone involved. I try my best to remain calm and not get stressed out while I'm getting treatment. Making other people feel bad just because I may feel bad will not resolve a bad situation. So, I think that the nurses treat me a little special because I am not a "problem" patient. And it has made for a good ray of sunshine during an otherwise gloomy time.
There is a gentleman in the cancer center -- I don't know his name -- but he just started his chemo about 2 months ago. I'm not sure what type of cancer he has, but he's in an advanced stage of cancer. He is a trip. (in a good way) Very lively personality but seeing him today made my heart twinge. He's really frail and thin, much thinner than he was when I saw him last. He walks very gingerly, as though his feet are just in pain. And he is completely bald now. I noticed dark spots on his head and on one arm... and I remembered that I had those same spots when I was bald as well. At the time, I thought that it was just the way that my scalp looked without hair but I realized today that it must be from the chemotherapy.
He was happy today and cheerful as usual but I felt so sad watching him. I know that he is probably giving his all everyday to kick cancer butt, and judging by his cheerful demeanor he probably recognizes that this is just one step on his journey. But I wanted to cry when I saw him. I'm not done with my treatment, not by a long shot. But I don't have the "look" anymore. My pain is manageable and I can return to my life for the most part. I pray that my friend will soon return to his life as well.
Whenever I see a cancer patient, I feel overwhelmed with sadness. Cancer is hard and its mean. And the treatment of it is hard and mean as well. You lose some of your essence going through the process of treatment and you may lose people that mean a lot to you. You can't get back the days you lose because you're sleeping, or in the hospital, or in too much pain to move. You can't get back the time you spend in waiting rooms, or hooked up to IV's. You can't get back the hours you may spend in the emergency room, or at the cancer center receiving infusions... or what feels like millions of tests and vials of blood that is taken from you.
You can't get any of that back. And the worry about how the treatment is affecting your body, and whether the cancer will come back... you have to learn how to live with that constant nagging in your head but not allow it to consume your heart and mind. Its a constant juggle. So when I see cancer patients, I get teary sometimes and I get sad everytime. Because I know that there is another soul who has been set on a rough path and I wish that they didn't have to suffer that way. I wish that I didn't have to either.
I am still in the process of learning how to balance having cancer (or as my friend would say... HAD cancer) with moving forward with life. In one moment, I can be happy and carefree and excited about something silly like my birthday... and then 10 minutes later I may have tears running down my face because I look back in my mind and realize that I have been through hell and its not quite over yet.
My mental state is a circus actually. I am trying to prepare to return to work. I am trying to figure out what clothes to wear and all that. I'm also thinking about my trip to Miami for my birthday celebration and considering my plans for the future. Going back to school, buying a new vehicle and preparing myself to buy a home of my own. Just trying to put everything on the right schedule. It can be done, it just needs to be planned out.
I've got to go, my ambien is kicking right in. And it is difficult to focus on ending this well.
Have a good day everyone. I have to go back to the hospital for an echo-cardiogram. They have to make sure that my heart hasn't been damaged.
i'll finish this tomorrow.
So... I still haven't solved the swimsuit dilemma and now I have two additional shopping emergencies to work out. (sigh) First, is deciding what to wear to the brunch. You would not believe the mental hoops I've been putting myself through trying to decide whether to wear a dress, a skirt, jeans or a suit. For weeks, I was determined to find the prettiest and most feminine dress. I wanted to feel like a lady. But then one day, I actually stopped and looked (well, stared actually) at the radiation scar/burn... and it dawned on me that I wasn't really up to showing that to anyone. Its not horrible, in fact its much better than it was just a week ago... but its not pretty either. I'm rather self-conscious about how I look these days so, I didn't want to wear anything that might disturb my peace of mind on that day.
So my next thought was to wear some nice trousers with a crisp white shirt. But then, I got all discombobulated thinking about choices. Throw in the dilemma about what shoes and what purse to carry... and then I just shut down for a few days. Shopping before my cancer treatment wasn't always fun but if I had the money to spend, then I could always find something to look nice in. Now... jeez. I have to consider so many things that I didn't think of before. My body is different now, and its not just because I only have one breast but its also because my skin is burned and black, my breast forms are not the same size as my natural breast so I worry about looking lopsided. And I worry about my burns peeking out for the world to see.
(sigh)
Its just overly dramatic in my mind. And I'm tired of over-thinking everything. So... I moved from thinking about trousers and a shirt to wearing a suit and a feminine blouse. And I think that's where I'm going to stay. (laughs) For now. So... let's throw another twist into my shopping dilemma....
I'M GOING TO A BALL this weekend.
ha! Can you believe that? I received a call from the hospital inviting me and a guest to go to the cancer gala this Saturday night. I accepted because the folks at my cancer center have become super important to me. Super-duper important. I can't state it enough actually. I love those folks like I love my family/friends. This event is a fundraiser for the cancer center and the tickets are $500 per person. (ouch!) But luckily, I am able to attend as a guest of the cancer center and bring a guest. I asked my mother to go with me. I asked her to go at first because I was so excited and I thought that she would enjoy a "glam" night out. Plus, she's been so good at being by my side every step of the way -- especially since my boyfriend became to busy and then eventually became my ex-boyfriend. She didn't miss a beat in helping me out everyday, making sure I made it to every appointment, filled my prescriptions, had adequate rest and good nutritional habits. She has been my #1 supporter.
But... the downside -- which didn't hit me until a day or so later -- was that I don't have a doggone thing to wear. The event is this Saturday and I don't have a dress or even shoes for the grand event. I suppose that I will figure something out. But its just another twist on the shopping drama.
Let's add it up, shall we? I still need at least 1 swim suit and a cover up, related sun accessories; I need a fancy dress w/shoes and finally... a birthday outfit as well. For a sister on a limited budget and low energy... this is a tall order. But I'm up for the challenge, or I'm going to miss out on some fun activities. And I don't want to miss out on another thing in this life. Not another thing.
I had a great weekend. Had dinner with some girlfriends, celebrating another birthday and then we followed up with drinks and giggles at a martini lounge. It was fun. I enjoyed lots of champagne (early toasts to myself for just making it through the past few months) and even danced a little bit. I wasn't totally the "old" Nic but I certainly was very much the "new" Nicole. And I enjoyed myself immensely. I think I stayed out too long and drank too much wine but it was a really good time. I spent Saturday in bed... my joints were aching something terribly and I was just tired. But I sort of expected that. I walked a lot on Friday -- got turned around before I made it to the restaurant -- and then I was dancing and drinking like I didn't have a care. I figured it would come down on me later and it did. Sunday, my parents and I went to National Harbor and had dinner together. It was another really good time.
My parents are really wonderful people and they make me laugh all the time. All the time. I always threaten them that I'm going to put some hidden cameras in the house and tape a reality show about them. (laughs) But they are wonderful parents and good people. I feel so blessed to have them in my life. I relish the time we spend together, especially the happy laughing times. Life for all of us has been so stressful and scary over the past year. And I feel a lot of guilt about having cancer, having to rely on them so much, even for not being married yet and not having kids. Yep. I know its irrational, but its what I feel.
I went to chemotherapy today - a day early - for my herceptin treatment. I was not scheduled to see my oncologist today, but I got lucky (laughs) and had a chance to see him for a few moments. Dr. Siegel is just wonderful. He and the nurses at the cancer center have been my sunshine through all of this craziness. I know that they have stressful and demanding jobs. And it would not be unreasonable if they were curt or rude on occasion but they haven't been. Dr. Siegel always has a smile and a joke for me; or some flattery. (laughs) He's very human. And the nurses are too. They have made some mistakes (the nurses) but nothing that wasn't fixable. The reason I went to chemotherapy a day early was because one of the nurses made an error. She ordered herceptin from the pharmacy but it was a mistake. The herceptin has to be used within 24 hours of preparation or it is trashed. So, the nurse called me and asked me sweetly if I would come in a day early for my treatment. No muss, no fuss.
When I'm in the cancer center, I watch the other patients -- I just love watching people no matter where I am -- and some of the patients are just cruel and harsh to the staff. And it makes for an uncomfortable setting for everyone involved. I try my best to remain calm and not get stressed out while I'm getting treatment. Making other people feel bad just because I may feel bad will not resolve a bad situation. So, I think that the nurses treat me a little special because I am not a "problem" patient. And it has made for a good ray of sunshine during an otherwise gloomy time.
There is a gentleman in the cancer center -- I don't know his name -- but he just started his chemo about 2 months ago. I'm not sure what type of cancer he has, but he's in an advanced stage of cancer. He is a trip. (in a good way) Very lively personality but seeing him today made my heart twinge. He's really frail and thin, much thinner than he was when I saw him last. He walks very gingerly, as though his feet are just in pain. And he is completely bald now. I noticed dark spots on his head and on one arm... and I remembered that I had those same spots when I was bald as well. At the time, I thought that it was just the way that my scalp looked without hair but I realized today that it must be from the chemotherapy.
He was happy today and cheerful as usual but I felt so sad watching him. I know that he is probably giving his all everyday to kick cancer butt, and judging by his cheerful demeanor he probably recognizes that this is just one step on his journey. But I wanted to cry when I saw him. I'm not done with my treatment, not by a long shot. But I don't have the "look" anymore. My pain is manageable and I can return to my life for the most part. I pray that my friend will soon return to his life as well.
Whenever I see a cancer patient, I feel overwhelmed with sadness. Cancer is hard and its mean. And the treatment of it is hard and mean as well. You lose some of your essence going through the process of treatment and you may lose people that mean a lot to you. You can't get back the days you lose because you're sleeping, or in the hospital, or in too much pain to move. You can't get back the time you spend in waiting rooms, or hooked up to IV's. You can't get back the hours you may spend in the emergency room, or at the cancer center receiving infusions... or what feels like millions of tests and vials of blood that is taken from you.
You can't get any of that back. And the worry about how the treatment is affecting your body, and whether the cancer will come back... you have to learn how to live with that constant nagging in your head but not allow it to consume your heart and mind. Its a constant juggle. So when I see cancer patients, I get teary sometimes and I get sad everytime. Because I know that there is another soul who has been set on a rough path and I wish that they didn't have to suffer that way. I wish that I didn't have to either.
I am still in the process of learning how to balance having cancer (or as my friend would say... HAD cancer) with moving forward with life. In one moment, I can be happy and carefree and excited about something silly like my birthday... and then 10 minutes later I may have tears running down my face because I look back in my mind and realize that I have been through hell and its not quite over yet.
My mental state is a circus actually. I am trying to prepare to return to work. I am trying to figure out what clothes to wear and all that. I'm also thinking about my trip to Miami for my birthday celebration and considering my plans for the future. Going back to school, buying a new vehicle and preparing myself to buy a home of my own. Just trying to put everything on the right schedule. It can be done, it just needs to be planned out.
I've got to go, my ambien is kicking right in. And it is difficult to focus on ending this well.
Have a good day everyone. I have to go back to the hospital for an echo-cardiogram. They have to make sure that my heart hasn't been damaged.
i'll finish this tomorrow.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Unfair taxes?
First I would like to say that I am proud to live in a country where people can hold demonstrations or rallies to have their voices heard even if it is differing from my opinion.
Two days ago, tax day, there were rallies across the country for people who believe they are being unfairly taxed. This is interesting considering our current tax systems have been been benefitting the rich, not the poor who need it most, but I digress.
Two days ago, tax day, there were rallies across the country for people who believe they are being unfairly taxed. This is interesting considering our current tax systems have been been benefitting the rich, not the poor who need it most, but I digress. Now, I am certainly not rich, but I can sympathize with the notion of not wishing to have more money taken out of my paycheck or given to the goverment when I file my taxes. That being said, if five more dollars a paycheck could save programs that help vulnerable children or get one more homeless person off the street then I am for it. I think we all should do our part to help the community around us, hence why I am such an advocate for volunteering. Sure, people could just donate money to important causes or volunteer to help these causes and we may not need higher tax rates, but most people generally do not volunteer or donate money to help out the local community.
I don't think of myself as a socialist, rather I want to help out those who are less fortunate than myself. If the increase in taxes go to save a persons job, again why is this such a bad thing? Those are my thoughts, but I always like to hear others.
Related Posts: Casting About: Your MA State Ballot, Presidential Election, Registering to Vote, and the Questions, Handgun bans and Dogs
Picture Courtesy of: http://www.nj.com/news/index.ssf/2009/04/antitax_teaparties_rallies_hel.html
*This increase in taxes may not go to help these municipal services, but that is why I also think it is important to have your voices heard and talk to your local representatives about your opinions or attend rallies to peacefully demonstrat your views.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
the swimsuit chronicles....
I'm going to the beach with some friends to celebrate my birthday in May. I love swimming, especially in the warm Florida ocean... so I'm really looking forward to this trip. Really, really looking forward to this mini-vacation.
I'm getting myself prepared for my first vacation in a couple of years... and its been a doggone hassle. My skin is healing from the radiation treatments. Its still peeling and flaking off but its not as gross as it was previously. I have to go back to the radiation center on Friday so that they can look at my progress and possibly prescribe more medication to help with the healing.
In the meantime, I'm preparing myself to protect my very fragile skin from the harsh Florida sun. I'm researching sunscreens that will be mild enough for my skin, yet have high spf to protect me from the sun. The only time in my life that I've ever been sunburned -- and lawd it was BAD -- was a few years ago on a Florida birthday vacation weekend. I got burned because I was in the ocean for hours. Yes, I said hours. Then I followed up with sitting on the roof of a bar for HOURS... and needless to say, my poor skin paid the price.
I can't afford to get burned and because of the chemotherapy treatment and the medicines I take, my skin is very susceptible to too much sun. I've found a few options, but I won't know whether they are good until I get to Florida. :)
As a woman, buying swimsuits is already a hassle. Being a woman with larger than average breasts makes a hassle even more of a challenge. But DAMN... being a woman with just ONE extra-large breast... just took all the drama to a new level.
sigh.
So, I have spent the past few weeks searching for suits online that may work. The coordination of necklines, sizes and designs -- has to be designed in a certain way so that I can wear my prosthesis -- has become a serious headache. I have laughed at myself more times than I can count over the past few weeks. There's another dilemma to my story...
...mastectomy prostheses don't come as large as my natural breast.
So, I'm trying to find ways to limit my lopsidedness -- without it being too obvious that I've had one breast removed. I haven't bought a bathing suit in years and now I remember why. Its a real pain in the butt. I'm big on top and not so big on the bottom. My natural breast rarely fits in the suit -- they just aren't designed for all this tissue -- and the few designs that are out there for either mastectomy patients or larger women are U-G-L-Y!!
Its absolutely crazy. I have 3 suits on my bed right now that I will be sending back because they just don't fit. Right now, I'm laughing, but honestly... I've cried more than a few times throughout this ordeal.
Did I mention how much "fake" boobies cost? Good lawd. These things are expensive. Who knew? Not only is having cancer expensive from a medical point of view -- its expensive from a general living perspective as well. Just getting prepared to go to Florida is costing a lot of money. I'm only going to be there 4 days... The cost to stay there, is cheaper than what I'm spending to be prepared when I get there.
sigh.
But... (cheesy smile) I'm going to FLORIDA!! And I'm excited. :)
What else is new? Oh, I will be going back to work very soon. I haven't decided on a date but probably in a few days. Its going to be a challenging transition. But its time. I will still have to work around all my medical appointments and my remaining chemotherapy treatments. And I still have to schedule my reconstruction surgery for the fall. And I don't know yet whether or not I will have the other breast removed as well. But I will be heading back to work within the next week.
Thinking about the possibility of the cancer returning scares me. But when I research the numbers about removing the non-cancerous breast to avoid recurrence -- it doesn't make a lot of difference. So, I just don't know yet what to do.
Right now, I would say that my biggest issue is my mind. How I think of myself has definitely changed. I broke down into a puddle of tears over the weekend at the idea of going out for drinks with a friend. I could not finish getting dressed because I became so upset at the idea of a guy talking to me. How crazy is that? Going out with my friends when I know that it will just be us girls, doesn't freak me out. But the thought of meeting guys, or even just talking to them unnerves me.
That's not who Nicole is. I can talk to anybody, any where. At least I used to be able to do that. Now, I don't know. I've lost something, some part of me is missing.
I have been thinking a lot lately about how public this blog is... and how I'm managing the attention that it receives. Most of the time when I'm writing an entry -- I don't really think about you (the audience). I know you're there but I don't pay attention to that. I write what I'm feeling. But... after the fact, when someone responds to me in a certain way, I become ashamed and a little embarrassed. Even with that... I still want people to read it and I still share it far and wide because I know that this story isn't the only story out there.
I will be talking (in public) about my journey with breast cancer next month. And I've been amazed at how much this frightens me. Talking in front of groups does make me nervous, but usually only slightly so. I speak off-the-cuff, rarely do I write a speech or jot down notes to help me. I say what's in my heart in that moment. But with this, because of the serious nature of the disease, because I don't want to give out false information, because I know that breast cancer touches a lot of lives -- I'm starting to freak out a little bit. I don't want to do a disservice to anyone who has the disease, or who has had a loved one deal with it. And I know that I'm alternately upbeat and distraught about it. I don't want to scare people in the audience with my tears and my frustrations... but I do want them to know that you can get through this.
I'm getting myself prepared for my first vacation in a couple of years... and its been a doggone hassle. My skin is healing from the radiation treatments. Its still peeling and flaking off but its not as gross as it was previously. I have to go back to the radiation center on Friday so that they can look at my progress and possibly prescribe more medication to help with the healing.
In the meantime, I'm preparing myself to protect my very fragile skin from the harsh Florida sun. I'm researching sunscreens that will be mild enough for my skin, yet have high spf to protect me from the sun. The only time in my life that I've ever been sunburned -- and lawd it was BAD -- was a few years ago on a Florida birthday vacation weekend. I got burned because I was in the ocean for hours. Yes, I said hours. Then I followed up with sitting on the roof of a bar for HOURS... and needless to say, my poor skin paid the price.
I can't afford to get burned and because of the chemotherapy treatment and the medicines I take, my skin is very susceptible to too much sun. I've found a few options, but I won't know whether they are good until I get to Florida. :)
As a woman, buying swimsuits is already a hassle. Being a woman with larger than average breasts makes a hassle even more of a challenge. But DAMN... being a woman with just ONE extra-large breast... just took all the drama to a new level.
sigh.
So, I have spent the past few weeks searching for suits online that may work. The coordination of necklines, sizes and designs -- has to be designed in a certain way so that I can wear my prosthesis -- has become a serious headache. I have laughed at myself more times than I can count over the past few weeks. There's another dilemma to my story...
...mastectomy prostheses don't come as large as my natural breast.
So, I'm trying to find ways to limit my lopsidedness -- without it being too obvious that I've had one breast removed. I haven't bought a bathing suit in years and now I remember why. Its a real pain in the butt. I'm big on top and not so big on the bottom. My natural breast rarely fits in the suit -- they just aren't designed for all this tissue -- and the few designs that are out there for either mastectomy patients or larger women are U-G-L-Y!!
Its absolutely crazy. I have 3 suits on my bed right now that I will be sending back because they just don't fit. Right now, I'm laughing, but honestly... I've cried more than a few times throughout this ordeal.
Did I mention how much "fake" boobies cost? Good lawd. These things are expensive. Who knew? Not only is having cancer expensive from a medical point of view -- its expensive from a general living perspective as well. Just getting prepared to go to Florida is costing a lot of money. I'm only going to be there 4 days... The cost to stay there, is cheaper than what I'm spending to be prepared when I get there.
sigh.
But... (cheesy smile) I'm going to FLORIDA!! And I'm excited. :)
For a moment (a long long moment) I considered not swimming at all. But that's just not me. I love the water and if I lived near the ocean I would probably swim everyday. It made me very sad to think of being so close to the water and not being able to get in because I couldn't find the proper attire. Eventually, I decided that I deserved to have all the fun I could stand on this trip -- so I'm still looking for a great suit. I will post a picture of me at the beach so that you can see what I finally end up with. Three weeks out -- its not looking promising. And you know, that if you're not wearing clothes that you feel look great on you, you may not feel that you look great at all. And your attitude can quickly go downhill from there. I need to have all the fun and giggles I can stand... so to me, its imperative that I look FAB-U-LOUS so that I feel fabulous and I can radiate happiness and joy all around.
It is a journey. :)
What else is new? Oh, I will be going back to work very soon. I haven't decided on a date but probably in a few days. Its going to be a challenging transition. But its time. I will still have to work around all my medical appointments and my remaining chemotherapy treatments. And I still have to schedule my reconstruction surgery for the fall. And I don't know yet whether or not I will have the other breast removed as well. But I will be heading back to work within the next week.
Thinking about the possibility of the cancer returning scares me. But when I research the numbers about removing the non-cancerous breast to avoid recurrence -- it doesn't make a lot of difference. So, I just don't know yet what to do.
Right now, I would say that my biggest issue is my mind. How I think of myself has definitely changed. I broke down into a puddle of tears over the weekend at the idea of going out for drinks with a friend. I could not finish getting dressed because I became so upset at the idea of a guy talking to me. How crazy is that? Going out with my friends when I know that it will just be us girls, doesn't freak me out. But the thought of meeting guys, or even just talking to them unnerves me.
That's not who Nicole is. I can talk to anybody, any where. At least I used to be able to do that. Now, I don't know. I've lost something, some part of me is missing.
I have been thinking a lot lately about how public this blog is... and how I'm managing the attention that it receives. Most of the time when I'm writing an entry -- I don't really think about you (the audience). I know you're there but I don't pay attention to that. I write what I'm feeling. But... after the fact, when someone responds to me in a certain way, I become ashamed and a little embarrassed. Even with that... I still want people to read it and I still share it far and wide because I know that this story isn't the only story out there.
I will be talking (in public) about my journey with breast cancer next month. And I've been amazed at how much this frightens me. Talking in front of groups does make me nervous, but usually only slightly so. I speak off-the-cuff, rarely do I write a speech or jot down notes to help me. I say what's in my heart in that moment. But with this, because of the serious nature of the disease, because I don't want to give out false information, because I know that breast cancer touches a lot of lives -- I'm starting to freak out a little bit. I don't want to do a disservice to anyone who has the disease, or who has had a loved one deal with it. And I know that I'm alternately upbeat and distraught about it. I don't want to scare people in the audience with my tears and my frustrations... but I do want them to know that you can get through this.
I have about a month before the event, so hopefully after spending some time in Florida my mood will be better and I will be able to connect with the audience in a way that leaves them with good thoughts on their mind.
Returning to work is scary to me. I still am uncomfortable travelling alone. I still haven't worked up the courage to get on the subway again. I still am freaked out by the notion that I may pass out, faint, fall down, trip... or otherwise end up in need of medical attention. So, going back to work is challenging me in many many ways.
Today is one of those days where I am just thinking a lot, about a lot of things. I'm feeling a little lonely but not enough to get outside and go somewhere to be around people. Last night on facebook, I was chatting w/an old friend. And he made a comment about me being sexy or something like that. My face was crushed. There was a time when I felt sexy and desirable but that is not the case anymore. I know in my head that when people look at me, they can't see anything wrong or different about me. But my heart and my spirit are in a different place. I still blurt out "I have cancer" when I do talk to people I don't know, or who don't know. And I feel that it is highly inappropriate to do that but I can't help myself.
I'm in a relatively constant state of self-pity. It is SO VERY annoying. But its there and I can't shake it. I told my friend that I was different now, I felt different now about myself. That I felt that cancer had taken a lot from me. And he replied that he hoped that cancer had not stripped away my confidence and my joyful nature because that was the most attractive thing about me.
I didn't want to tell him that I thought that it had. I'm pushing myself (slowly though) to a place where I reach outside of myself and my feelings to connect with others. I gave myself a challenge to go out alone one day this week. Today was supposed to be the day. I'm still shut up in my room. I tried to go out on Friday to a birthday party of a friend of mine, and I could not get it together. I started thinking about seeing all of my friends there and was overwhelmed with the notion. I talked myself out of going but I really wanted to. These feelings are foreign to me. Well, not totally. In the height of my depression, I rarely left the house. I would actually have panic attacks when it was time to go to work. One day, I had to call in and tell them I was sick because I couldn't walk beyond my own bathroom to get to the living room and walk out of the door. That was a really really bad day.
I'm not "that" bad right now... and I don't want to get to a point where I'm once again feeling so afraid of engaging with other people that I don't leave my home. So, I know that its important that I force myself to interact with people and get outside. Just to remind myself that my story isn't the only story in the world. I think that I will make my solo adventure day tomorrow -- maybe I will go to the mall and look around.
I still need some shoes for my trip and a birthday outfit to wear to my brunch. (eyes rolling around) I don't like shopping too much and I'm not looking forward to spending money. But, I HAVE TO get out of this house and do something that makes me feel like I am able to take care of myself, by myself.
NPR and the state of the news
I am an avid NPR listener. And when I say avid, I mean ridiculously obsessed (here's a shout-out to WBUR, my local NPR affiliate - love you guys!). I listen in the car, when I'm cooking, while I put on my make-up.. you get the idea. One of the first melodies I could sing as a small child was the trumpet-lead "doo dooo do do DO DO DO" of All Things Considered (thanks, Mom).
However, I was still surprised to hear that NPR's Morning Edition audience is 60% larger than the audience for Good Morning America, and 33% larger than the audience for The Today Show on NBC. Over seven and a half million people listen to Morning Edition. NPR's audience has increased 47% since 2000. That's a lot of people getting their news from a non-profit organization.
Perhaps the other traditional media can learn something from NPR. A few reasons why I think it's doing so well:
- It's portable. People are on the move, with an average
commute time of 25 minutes. Personal radios are small, though some of us consider it a fashion statement to carry our bulky boombox around (see guy at right). - Most of us still commute by car - in fact, 77% of commute alone by car. Even the most basic of cars have a radio. What better riding companion is there than the smart people of NPR?
- NPR is tech-savvy, which gets GenY-ers like myself to listen even more. NPR tweets, it Facebooks, it blogs, it has an awesome streaming iPhone app, and some shows are even in Second Life.
- It has interesting news. Well, and not-so-interesting news, but the point is that it tells me what the heck is going on in Boston, the US, and the world. They have reporters giving first-hand descriptions of what is going on. They do research. They talk to the people behind the stories. There's a difference between a primary news source like NPR, and a secondary one (like many online sources, including most blogs).
- It's un-biased. Yes, NPR's listeners may skew slightly liberal, but in fact NPR is 62% more likely to have a Republican on air than a Democrat (source: Fair.org). And just 2% of NPR's funding comes from the government. Most of it actually comes from its member stations, which are funded by donations, foundation grants, and private bequests, or corporate underwriting. NPR itself works hard to prevent bias.
The overlapping-sources issues aside, traditional media has a lot it could learn from NPR and local affiliates. I still mourn the loss of BostonNOW, which I feel was the best example of Web 2.0 combined with traditional media... though it ultimately folded, so perhaps not.
What do you think of publically supported news sources like NPR? And how do you see our news sources changing?
Related Posts: Read the Paper!; BostonNOW is no more; More News about News; Boston Globe and OYFP; We're good enough for.. (1) and (2)
Friday, April 10, 2009
Vegan Diets for your Pet?
I watched this story about feeding your cat or dog a vegan diet a couple of mornings ago. I am not quite sure what to think about it. Essentially you are turning a carnivorous animal into a herbivore.
I have a dog and I know if my dog had a choice between chicken or Broccoli I know she would choose chicken. I have tried to feed my dog more 
vegetables (lettuce, peas, spinach), but nope not happening. A point to consider dogs have evolved from wolfs, wolfs hunt meat. I have never heard of a wolf in the wild who doesn't eat meat.
Additionally, many of the ways we play with dogs nowadays mimic the dogs natural instinct to hunt. If I throw a squeaky toy the first thing my dog does when she grabs a hold of the squeaky toy is to shake it violently. This action of shaking the toy is exactly what dogs do when they get a hold of their prey. They shake their catch violently because this is how they know to kill their catch (by breaking their neck). The squeak of the toy also mimics a sound that dying vermin make. When dogs bring the ball back (or prey) they do so as an offer to their dominant master.
My point is that dogs, just like cats have a natural instinct to hunt other animals in order to hopefully eat them. Can a philosophical approach to life from a human perspective be then applied to an animal? Typically your pet has to eat whatever food you provide it, but is it ethical to deny a type of food because of your dietary beliefs?
What are your thoughts?
Related Posts: Don't Forget About Your Pet, Guide Horse? Not Wasting Food - Spaghetti Salad to the Rescue!
Picture Courtesy of: My dog, Chai.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Twitter- Do people know about it?
One of the things I remember most about my grandmother is how she always had a phone on her ear. Always. She was an early adoptor of the cordless phone. She would be talking to a friend, one of her kids, an in-law, or a grand-child; coordinating donations for a charity that collects and distributes cribs; or frequently, trying to get into contact with a customer service department.If only Twitter had existed when she was around. Yes, Twitter, the microblogging platform. Think Facebook status updates, except without the rest of Facebook. (For further explanation, watch Twitter in Plain English.) When my grandma Mil was awake at 2 AM, she could have scanned her grandkids' tweets, or written an angry tweet to DelMonte foods about the declining quality of their green beans.
There are numerous jokes about Twitter. (Here, here, and here are my faves.) It's vain, it's egocentric, it's boring, it's dull. I've heard it all. Yet I keep going back to it.
But really, for us consumers, it can be great. See, many companies and non-profits have accounts on there, posting updates and responding to our tweets that are relevant to them. Gone is the time where you would have to wait hours and hours and hours on the phone just to speak to a Comcast representative. You can tweet them if your cable is out!
If you have a flight on Southwest, you can monitor its tweets to see if you're going to be on a WiFi enabled flight. If you're a huge NPR fan, follow the tweets of your local station and you might get to go to a special event!! Heck, even Idealist.org is on Twitter, talking about new jobs and trends in the non-profit world.
These companies and non-profits have realized that Twitter is a platform that allows them to engage with their audiences. They can talk - and people will listen!! And vice versa. Brands are actually able to create a relationship with their consumers. And you know what? It benefits us. At least for now - while they're still listening.
What are your thoughts on Twitter-land?
Follow Casey on Twitter: http://twitter.com/smazzle
Related Posts: Getting your volunteer on; Words for Sale; Create your own community - Online!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
not much to write about.
Today was the first day that I didn't have to go to radiation. I slept late, and basically did a lot of nothing. I tried to reschedule an echocardiogram that I have scheduled for tomorrow. But that didn't go so well. I will have to try again tomorrow.
I am supposed to have my heart tested every 3 months now to make sure that the medication and treatment isn't having an adverse affect on it. I'm a few months overdue. My oncologist didn't seem too perturbed about that but I definitely need to get it done before I see him again in 6 weeks.
Scheduling appointments seems to be my new job. I think that I will go to see a physical therapist and try to work on regaining the full range of motion in my left arm. I don't know if my thinking is correct but I feel that I should work on that arm before going into my reconstruction surgery. I am not, however, looking forward to trying to squeeze one more thing into my schedule.
I hope to return to work very soon. Its been a nice vacation (laughs) but I think its time to go back to the real world. I am so much more tentative about things that I readily did previously. Like riding the metro (the subway) and going places alone. I have become afraid of being out by myself. I worry that I may faint or otherwise lose my strength and be stranded away from home and safety. I don't go out very much now. And when I do, I rarely travel alone. I need to move past this fear. Its really important.
I am working on the new blog -- it is slow and tedious work. I'm not sure when it will be ready for the great reveal. But I think it may be several weeks from now. There are two blogger conferences that I would like to attend this year and if I can't get it together with the fear of travelling alone, its going to be a difficult journey for me.
(say a prayer)
I was a little rebellious today... I did not bandage my skin wounds all day. I wanted the area to breathe and get some air for a change. As a result, when I went to put my antibiotic creme on tonight the raw skin had started to crust over. I'm sure there is a good medical term but I don't know what it is. It wasn't a scab, but I'm hoping that it means that the healing is taking place. If I don't have new skin by the time I get to Miami... its going to be a difficult weekend for me. :)
I thought a lot about Robin and death today. And I've been considering that I need to execute a will -- not that I really have much of anything to distribute to others -- and also work out general ideas about my funeral. It will happen one day -- hopefully many decades from now -- so I want my family to be able to follow my wishes with ease. One less burden for them to carry.
My weight has been holding steady for the past few weeks. I am really pleased with that. My appetite is fine and my tastebuds are completely back to normal. It is wonderful. I am going to enjoy this simple joy for as long as I can. My hot flashes are still on-going but they have been a little milder lately. My hair is growing back and so are my nails. My next task is to pamper my skin back to its glory. It is rather dry right now and very sensitive.
I am still thinking about the reconstruction surgery and wondering what decision I will ultimately make. I still do not see the advantage to removing my right breast. However, I am still thinking and praying about it. Somewhere there is a right choice for me.
That's it for today...
I am supposed to have my heart tested every 3 months now to make sure that the medication and treatment isn't having an adverse affect on it. I'm a few months overdue. My oncologist didn't seem too perturbed about that but I definitely need to get it done before I see him again in 6 weeks.
Scheduling appointments seems to be my new job. I think that I will go to see a physical therapist and try to work on regaining the full range of motion in my left arm. I don't know if my thinking is correct but I feel that I should work on that arm before going into my reconstruction surgery. I am not, however, looking forward to trying to squeeze one more thing into my schedule.
I hope to return to work very soon. Its been a nice vacation (laughs) but I think its time to go back to the real world. I am so much more tentative about things that I readily did previously. Like riding the metro (the subway) and going places alone. I have become afraid of being out by myself. I worry that I may faint or otherwise lose my strength and be stranded away from home and safety. I don't go out very much now. And when I do, I rarely travel alone. I need to move past this fear. Its really important.
I am working on the new blog -- it is slow and tedious work. I'm not sure when it will be ready for the great reveal. But I think it may be several weeks from now. There are two blogger conferences that I would like to attend this year and if I can't get it together with the fear of travelling alone, its going to be a difficult journey for me.
(say a prayer)
I was a little rebellious today... I did not bandage my skin wounds all day. I wanted the area to breathe and get some air for a change. As a result, when I went to put my antibiotic creme on tonight the raw skin had started to crust over. I'm sure there is a good medical term but I don't know what it is. It wasn't a scab, but I'm hoping that it means that the healing is taking place. If I don't have new skin by the time I get to Miami... its going to be a difficult weekend for me. :)
I thought a lot about Robin and death today. And I've been considering that I need to execute a will -- not that I really have much of anything to distribute to others -- and also work out general ideas about my funeral. It will happen one day -- hopefully many decades from now -- so I want my family to be able to follow my wishes with ease. One less burden for them to carry.
My weight has been holding steady for the past few weeks. I am really pleased with that. My appetite is fine and my tastebuds are completely back to normal. It is wonderful. I am going to enjoy this simple joy for as long as I can. My hot flashes are still on-going but they have been a little milder lately. My hair is growing back and so are my nails. My next task is to pamper my skin back to its glory. It is rather dry right now and very sensitive.
I am still thinking about the reconstruction surgery and wondering what decision I will ultimately make. I still do not see the advantage to removing my right breast. However, I am still thinking and praying about it. Somewhere there is a right choice for me.
That's it for today...
Monday, April 6, 2009
rest in peace robin johnston
Last week, I received a note on facebook from a former colleague and he informed me that someone we used to work with was dying of breast cancer. It blew my mind. He suggested that I go visit her but I didn't go. I told him that I barely remembered her from that job -- it was about 10 years ago -- and that if she were indeed dying, I wasn't sure that seeing an old colleague would really lift her spirits in any way. And that was how I felt. I thought that she would probably want some privacy in her life, especially in the last days. But was unsaid was that I couldn't look at a woman who probably isn't that much older than I am and know that she was dying of a disease that I am carrying in my genes at the moment.
I received an email today from another old friend who still works at that company. Robin died on Sunday.
I still cannot bring her face to my memory. I cannot think of any conversations that we may have had during my time of employment there. All I have is a general feeling that I didn't dislike her and that I probably felt that she was an okay person. We worked in different departments and probably did not interact too frequently. But with all that said... someone who has crossed my path in this lifetime died of breast cancer. And while I don't feel like I know her really... the loss is still real.
Last night, I had an emotion wash over me that really shattered my peace of mind. One day, I might be dying from this disease too. The actual thought that I had was... what if I only have another 5-10 years? What if that's all there is? Have I done enough? Been kind enough? Left a legacy that is positive and lasting? Have I been a good steward over the life that God gave me?
I just didn't know what to think.
And then this morning I learned that Robin died. I will be honest, it took a little pep out of my step today.
Today, I'm not dying from breast cancer but the possibility of reccurence is real. And if it comes back, it might be unstoppable. That's a hard notion to bear.
Life is short. And right now, there is a family grieving the loss of a daughter, sister, aunt, mother, cousin, friend... sadly, it is a scenario that will play out again and again and again this year.
Robin was loved by her family and colleagues and she will definitely be missed. The email I received mentioned her courage and how she taught others how to weather adversity by the way she handled her illness. I don't think I do that. (laughs) I can't imagine what goes through your mind when you read my posts... but this much I know... if this disease takes me out...
Y'all BETTA say something nice about me. :) Even if its something as frivolous as... she kept her toes painted "real cute". LOL...
...just don't forget me.
I received an email today from another old friend who still works at that company. Robin died on Sunday.
I still cannot bring her face to my memory. I cannot think of any conversations that we may have had during my time of employment there. All I have is a general feeling that I didn't dislike her and that I probably felt that she was an okay person. We worked in different departments and probably did not interact too frequently. But with all that said... someone who has crossed my path in this lifetime died of breast cancer. And while I don't feel like I know her really... the loss is still real.
Last night, I had an emotion wash over me that really shattered my peace of mind. One day, I might be dying from this disease too. The actual thought that I had was... what if I only have another 5-10 years? What if that's all there is? Have I done enough? Been kind enough? Left a legacy that is positive and lasting? Have I been a good steward over the life that God gave me?
I just didn't know what to think.
And then this morning I learned that Robin died. I will be honest, it took a little pep out of my step today.
Today, I'm not dying from breast cancer but the possibility of reccurence is real. And if it comes back, it might be unstoppable. That's a hard notion to bear.
Life is short. And right now, there is a family grieving the loss of a daughter, sister, aunt, mother, cousin, friend... sadly, it is a scenario that will play out again and again and again this year.
Robin was loved by her family and colleagues and she will definitely be missed. The email I received mentioned her courage and how she taught others how to weather adversity by the way she handled her illness. I don't think I do that. (laughs) I can't imagine what goes through your mind when you read my posts... but this much I know... if this disease takes me out...
Y'all BETTA say something nice about me. :) Even if its something as frivolous as... she kept her toes painted "real cute". LOL...
...just don't forget me.
80s Game Night - April 7
If you have always dreamed of living in the 80s (minus the blatent coke consumption and over-use of hairspray), Tuesday night is your chance.Join OYFP and the Italian Home for Children for a night of fun and games (literally)! We'll be having Connect-4 and foos-ball tournaments, so you had better bring your A game.
On the other hand, if you bring a new or slightly used game instead of your A game (or in addition to), your entrance fee of $5 to $7 will be waived, since OYFP is all about helping the children. All donated games are going to the Italian Home after we're done playing with them. And yes, the Italian Home is quite a worthy organization. It provides schooling and care for children of all ethnicities who have nowhere else to turn.
Don't forget to put on your best approximation of 80s styles! I've
included a photo of the always stylin' Designing Women for some inspiration.See you there!
Event Details
Date: Tuesday, April 7th
Time: 7 pm
Location: Our House West
1277 Commonwealth Ave
Allston, MA 02134
(617) 782-3228
Partner: Italian Home for Children
Cost: $5 Online $7 Door
Info: http://oyfp.org/BOS/events/view/171/
Related Posts: Volunteering at Lunch; Read about Fred; Volunteering: Sara's Experience; "Stay-cation" in Boston
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Breast Cancer
Definition of breast cancer:
Cancer that forms in tissues of the
breast, usually the ducts (tubes that carry milk to the nipple) and lobules (glands that make milk). It occurs in both men and women, although male breast cancer is rare.Estimated new cases and deaths from breast cancer in the United States in 2008:
New cases: 182,460 (female); 1,990 (male)
Breast cancer is a cancer that starts in the cells of the breast in women and men. Worldwide, breast cancer is the second most common type of cancer after lung cancer (10.4% of all cancer incidence, both sexes counted)and the fifth most common cause of cancer death.In 2004, breast cancer caused 519,000 deaths worldwide (7% of cancer deaths; almost 1% of all deaths).Breast cancer is about 100 times as frequent among women as among men, but survival rates are equal in both sexes.
The first symptom, or subjective sign, of breast cancer is typically a lump that feels different from the surrounding breast tissue. According to the The Merck Manual, more than 80% of breast cancer cases are discovered when the woman feels a lump.According to the American Cancer Society, the first medical sign, or objective indication of breast cancer as detected by a physician, is discovered by mammogram.Lumps found in lymph nodes located in the armpits and/or collarbone citation needed can also indicate breast cancer.
Indications of breast cancer other than a lump may include changes in breast size or shape, skin dimpling, nipple inversion, or spontaneous single-nipple discharge. Pain is an unreliable tool in determining the presence or absence of breast cancer, but may be indicative of other breast health issues such as mastodynia.
When breast cancer cells invade the dermal lymphatics—small lymph vessels in the skin of the breast—its presentation can resemble skin inflammation and thus is known as inflammatory breast cancer (IBC). Symptoms of inflammatory breast cancer include pain, swelling, warmth and redness throughout the breast, as well as an orange-peel texture to the skin referred to as peau d'orange.
Another reported symptom complex of breast cancer is Paget's disease of the breast. This syndrome presents as eczematoid skin changes such as redness and mild flaking of the nipple skin. As Paget's advances, symptoms may include tingling, itching, increased sensitivity, burning, and pain. There may also be discharge from the nipple. Approximately half of women diagnosed with Paget's also have a lump in the breast.
Most symptoms of breast disorder do not turn out to represent underlying breast cancer. Benign breast diseases such as mastitis and fibroadenoma of the breast are more common causes of breast disorder symptoms. The appearance of a new symptom should be taken seriously by both patients and their doctors, because of the possibility of an underlying breast cancer at almost any age.
Cancer that forms in tissues of the
breast, usually the ducts (tubes that carry milk to the nipple) and lobules (glands that make milk). It occurs in both men and women, although male breast cancer is rare.Estimated new cases and deaths from breast cancer in the United States in 2008:New cases: 182,460 (female); 1,990 (male)
Deaths: 40,480 (female); 450 (male)
Breast cancer is a cancer that starts in the cells of the breast in women and men. Worldwide, breast cancer is the second most common type of cancer after lung cancer (10.4% of all cancer incidence, both sexes counted)and the fifth most common cause of cancer death.In 2004, breast cancer caused 519,000 deaths worldwide (7% of cancer deaths; almost 1% of all deaths).Breast cancer is about 100 times as frequent among women as among men, but survival rates are equal in both sexes.
The first symptom, or subjective sign, of breast cancer is typically a lump that feels different from the surrounding breast tissue. According to the The Merck Manual, more than 80% of breast cancer cases are discovered when the woman feels a lump.According to the American Cancer Society, the first medical sign, or objective indication of breast cancer as detected by a physician, is discovered by mammogram.Lumps found in lymph nodes located in the armpits and/or collarbone citation needed can also indicate breast cancer.
Indications of breast cancer other than a lump may include changes in breast size or shape, skin dimpling, nipple inversion, or spontaneous single-nipple discharge. Pain is an unreliable tool in determining the presence or absence of breast cancer, but may be indicative of other breast health issues such as mastodynia.
When breast cancer cells invade the dermal lymphatics—small lymph vessels in the skin of the breast—its presentation can resemble skin inflammation and thus is known as inflammatory breast cancer (IBC). Symptoms of inflammatory breast cancer include pain, swelling, warmth and redness throughout the breast, as well as an orange-peel texture to the skin referred to as peau d'orange.
Another reported symptom complex of breast cancer is Paget's disease of the breast. This syndrome presents as eczematoid skin changes such as redness and mild flaking of the nipple skin. As Paget's advances, symptoms may include tingling, itching, increased sensitivity, burning, and pain. There may also be discharge from the nipple. Approximately half of women diagnosed with Paget's also have a lump in the breast.
Occasionally, breast cancer presents as metastatic disease, that is, cancer that has spread beyond the original organ.
Metastatic breast cancer will cause symptoms that depend on the location of metastasis. Common sites of metastasis include bone, liver, lung and brain. Unexplained weight loss can occasionally herald an occult breast cancer, as can symptoms of fevers or chills. Bone or joint pains can sometimes be manifestations of metastatic breast cancer, as can jaundice or neurological symptoms. These symptoms are "non-specific", meaning they can also be manifestations of many other illnesses.
Most symptoms of breast disorder do not turn out to represent underlying breast cancer. Benign breast diseases such as mastitis and fibroadenoma of the breast are more common causes of breast disorder symptoms. The appearance of a new symptom should be taken seriously by both patients and their doctors, because of the possibility of an underlying breast cancer at almost any age.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Make Your Own Rain Barrel
My plus one and I really do try to be green, and one way we figured out to reduce the amount of water we consume is to create our own rain barrel. This rain barrel will allow us to collect all the rain water from one of our down spouts so we can water our indoor plants and my garden to be when it hasn't rained in awhile. So I thought would provide a how-to model (with Jamie's help) for those that are interested in having one.
Supplies Needed:
Assembly:
Top: Cut the Mesh Screen to fit the size of the drain. Hold it in place with the screws that hold the grate to the drain assembly. Cut a hole in the lid of a barrell to fit the diameter of the drain assembly. Attach the drain into the lid by tighting down the threaded collor of the drain assembly onto the lid. The rubber gasket should be positioned so that you have a water tight seal.
Overflow Tubing: Drill a one-inch hole into a side of the barrel towards the top. Thread the hose conector through the one-inch hole and attach overflow tubing to the hose connector.
Spigot: Drill a second one inch whole into the side of the barrel towards the bottom. Wrap the threading of the spigget with some teflon tape. Thread the spigot into the one-inch hole, turning until you have a tight fit.
Place the rain barrel under a down spout from your roof. The down spout can be cut to fit the barrel with a hack saw. Additionally we placed it on top of several cinder blocks so we could easily fit our watering can underneath the spigot.
Related Posts: What is hindering your ability to be Green, Get out of the House, Learn New Skills, Help Others and Your Resume Talking Trash
Picture Courtesy of: Jamie
Supplies Needed:
- Shower Drain
- Mesh Screen
- Large Barrel (Ours is 30 Gallon and was found on its way to the dumpster)
- 1-inch Threaded Hose Connector
- Half-Inch Vinyl Hose
- Brass Spigot
- Teflon Tape
Assembly:
Top: Cut the Mesh Screen to fit the size of the drain. Hold it in place with the screws that hold the grate to the drain assembly. Cut a hole in the lid of a barrell to fit the diameter of the drain assembly. Attach the drain into the lid by tighting down the threaded collor of the drain assembly onto the lid. The rubber gasket should be positioned so that you have a water tight seal.
Overflow Tubing: Drill a one-inch hole into a side of the barrel towards the top. Thread the hose conector through the one-inch hole and attach overflow tubing to the hose connector.
Spigot: Drill a second one inch whole into the side of the barrel towards the bottom. Wrap the threading of the spigget with some teflon tape. Thread the spigot into the one-inch hole, turning until you have a tight fit.
Place the rain barrel under a down spout from your roof. The down spout can be cut to fit the barrel with a hack saw. Additionally we placed it on top of several cinder blocks so we could easily fit our watering can underneath the spigot.
Related Posts: What is hindering your ability to be Green, Get out of the House, Learn New Skills, Help Others and Your Resume Talking Trash
Picture Courtesy of: Jamie
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