I'm getting myself prepared for my first vacation in a couple of years... and its been a doggone hassle. My skin is healing from the radiation treatments. Its still peeling and flaking off but its not as gross as it was previously. I have to go back to the radiation center on Friday so that they can look at my progress and possibly prescribe more medication to help with the healing.
In the meantime, I'm preparing myself to protect my very fragile skin from the harsh Florida sun. I'm researching sunscreens that will be mild enough for my skin, yet have high spf to protect me from the sun. The only time in my life that I've ever been sunburned -- and lawd it was BAD -- was a few years ago on a Florida birthday vacation weekend. I got burned because I was in the ocean for hours. Yes, I said hours. Then I followed up with sitting on the roof of a bar for HOURS... and needless to say, my poor skin paid the price.
I can't afford to get burned and because of the chemotherapy treatment and the medicines I take, my skin is very susceptible to too much sun. I've found a few options, but I won't know whether they are good until I get to Florida. :)
As a woman, buying swimsuits is already a hassle. Being a woman with larger than average breasts makes a hassle even more of a challenge. But DAMN... being a woman with just ONE extra-large breast... just took all the drama to a new level.
sigh.
So, I have spent the past few weeks searching for suits online that may work. The coordination of necklines, sizes and designs -- has to be designed in a certain way so that I can wear my prosthesis -- has become a serious headache. I have laughed at myself more times than I can count over the past few weeks. There's another dilemma to my story...
...mastectomy prostheses don't come as large as my natural breast.
So, I'm trying to find ways to limit my lopsidedness -- without it being too obvious that I've had one breast removed. I haven't bought a bathing suit in years and now I remember why. Its a real pain in the butt. I'm big on top and not so big on the bottom. My natural breast rarely fits in the suit -- they just aren't designed for all this tissue -- and the few designs that are out there for either mastectomy patients or larger women are U-G-L-Y!!
Its absolutely crazy. I have 3 suits on my bed right now that I will be sending back because they just don't fit. Right now, I'm laughing, but honestly... I've cried more than a few times throughout this ordeal.
Did I mention how much "fake" boobies cost? Good lawd. These things are expensive. Who knew? Not only is having cancer expensive from a medical point of view -- its expensive from a general living perspective as well. Just getting prepared to go to Florida is costing a lot of money. I'm only going to be there 4 days... The cost to stay there, is cheaper than what I'm spending to be prepared when I get there.
sigh.
But... (cheesy smile) I'm going to FLORIDA!! And I'm excited. :)
For a moment (a long long moment) I considered not swimming at all. But that's just not me. I love the water and if I lived near the ocean I would probably swim everyday. It made me very sad to think of being so close to the water and not being able to get in because I couldn't find the proper attire. Eventually, I decided that I deserved to have all the fun I could stand on this trip -- so I'm still looking for a great suit. I will post a picture of me at the beach so that you can see what I finally end up with. Three weeks out -- its not looking promising. And you know, that if you're not wearing clothes that you feel look great on you, you may not feel that you look great at all. And your attitude can quickly go downhill from there. I need to have all the fun and giggles I can stand... so to me, its imperative that I look FAB-U-LOUS so that I feel fabulous and I can radiate happiness and joy all around.
It is a journey. :)
What else is new? Oh, I will be going back to work very soon. I haven't decided on a date but probably in a few days. Its going to be a challenging transition. But its time. I will still have to work around all my medical appointments and my remaining chemotherapy treatments. And I still have to schedule my reconstruction surgery for the fall. And I don't know yet whether or not I will have the other breast removed as well. But I will be heading back to work within the next week.
Thinking about the possibility of the cancer returning scares me. But when I research the numbers about removing the non-cancerous breast to avoid recurrence -- it doesn't make a lot of difference. So, I just don't know yet what to do.
Right now, I would say that my biggest issue is my mind. How I think of myself has definitely changed. I broke down into a puddle of tears over the weekend at the idea of going out for drinks with a friend. I could not finish getting dressed because I became so upset at the idea of a guy talking to me. How crazy is that? Going out with my friends when I know that it will just be us girls, doesn't freak me out. But the thought of meeting guys, or even just talking to them unnerves me.
That's not who Nicole is. I can talk to anybody, any where. At least I used to be able to do that. Now, I don't know. I've lost something, some part of me is missing.
I have been thinking a lot lately about how public this blog is... and how I'm managing the attention that it receives. Most of the time when I'm writing an entry -- I don't really think about you (the audience). I know you're there but I don't pay attention to that. I write what I'm feeling. But... after the fact, when someone responds to me in a certain way, I become ashamed and a little embarrassed. Even with that... I still want people to read it and I still share it far and wide because I know that this story isn't the only story out there.
I will be talking (in public) about my journey with breast cancer next month. And I've been amazed at how much this frightens me. Talking in front of groups does make me nervous, but usually only slightly so. I speak off-the-cuff, rarely do I write a speech or jot down notes to help me. I say what's in my heart in that moment. But with this, because of the serious nature of the disease, because I don't want to give out false information, because I know that breast cancer touches a lot of lives -- I'm starting to freak out a little bit. I don't want to do a disservice to anyone who has the disease, or who has had a loved one deal with it. And I know that I'm alternately upbeat and distraught about it. I don't want to scare people in the audience with my tears and my frustrations... but I do want them to know that you can get through this.
I have about a month before the event, so hopefully after spending some time in Florida my mood will be better and I will be able to connect with the audience in a way that leaves them with good thoughts on their mind.
Returning to work is scary to me. I still am uncomfortable travelling alone. I still haven't worked up the courage to get on the subway again. I still am freaked out by the notion that I may pass out, faint, fall down, trip... or otherwise end up in need of medical attention. So, going back to work is challenging me in many many ways.
Today is one of those days where I am just thinking a lot, about a lot of things. I'm feeling a little lonely but not enough to get outside and go somewhere to be around people. Last night on facebook, I was chatting w/an old friend. And he made a comment about me being sexy or something like that. My face was crushed. There was a time when I felt sexy and desirable but that is not the case anymore. I know in my head that when people look at me, they can't see anything wrong or different about me. But my heart and my spirit are in a different place. I still blurt out "I have cancer" when I do talk to people I don't know, or who don't know. And I feel that it is highly inappropriate to do that but I can't help myself.
I'm in a relatively constant state of self-pity. It is SO VERY annoying. But its there and I can't shake it. I told my friend that I was different now, I felt different now about myself. That I felt that cancer had taken a lot from me. And he replied that he hoped that cancer had not stripped away my confidence and my joyful nature because that was the most attractive thing about me.
I didn't want to tell him that I thought that it had. I'm pushing myself (slowly though) to a place where I reach outside of myself and my feelings to connect with others. I gave myself a challenge to go out alone one day this week. Today was supposed to be the day. I'm still shut up in my room. I tried to go out on Friday to a birthday party of a friend of mine, and I could not get it together. I started thinking about seeing all of my friends there and was overwhelmed with the notion. I talked myself out of going but I really wanted to. These feelings are foreign to me. Well, not totally. In the height of my depression, I rarely left the house. I would actually have panic attacks when it was time to go to work. One day, I had to call in and tell them I was sick because I couldn't walk beyond my own bathroom to get to the living room and walk out of the door. That was a really really bad day.
I'm not "that" bad right now... and I don't want to get to a point where I'm once again feeling so afraid of engaging with other people that I don't leave my home. So, I know that its important that I force myself to interact with people and get outside. Just to remind myself that my story isn't the only story in the world. I think that I will make my solo adventure day tomorrow -- maybe I will go to the mall and look around.
I still need some shoes for my trip and a birthday outfit to wear to my brunch. (eyes rolling around) I don't like shopping too much and I'm not looking forward to spending money. But, I HAVE TO get out of this house and do something that makes me feel like I am able to take care of myself, by myself.
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