It just dawned on me that my birthday is coming right up. Its in less than 10 days -- eek -- and I don't have a thing to wear. Hmmm... not sure what I'm going to do. I decided to switch up my celebration a bit from my normal happy hour, or reserved table at the club. My energy is just not what it used to be and I did not want to put myself in a situation where I ended up leaving my own party too soon. (laughs) So, I opted to have a brunch. I like to eat and I figured that having a brunch would allow my friends (married and single, with and without kids) to celebrate with me without the stress of going to the club. Plus, it seemed more adult to have a brunch. (laughs) I am looking forward to the day and I hope that the rain clouds stay away.
So... I still haven't solved the swimsuit dilemma and now I have two additional shopping emergencies to work out. (sigh) First, is deciding what to wear to the brunch. You would not believe the mental hoops I've been putting myself through trying to decide whether to wear a dress, a skirt, jeans or a suit. For weeks, I was determined to find the prettiest and most feminine dress. I wanted to feel like a lady. But then one day, I actually stopped and looked (well, stared actually) at the radiation scar/burn... and it dawned on me that I wasn't really up to showing that to anyone. Its not horrible, in fact its much better than it was just a week ago... but its not pretty either. I'm rather self-conscious about how I look these days so, I didn't want to wear anything that might disturb my peace of mind on that day.
So my next thought was to wear some nice trousers with a crisp white shirt. But then, I got all discombobulated thinking about choices. Throw in the dilemma about what shoes and what purse to carry... and then I just shut down for a few days. Shopping before my cancer treatment wasn't always fun but if I had the money to spend, then I could always find something to look nice in. Now... jeez. I have to consider so many things that I didn't think of before. My body is different now, and its not just because I only have one breast but its also because my skin is burned and black, my breast forms are not the same size as my natural breast so I worry about looking lopsided. And I worry about my burns peeking out for the world to see.
(sigh)
Its just overly dramatic in my mind. And I'm tired of over-thinking everything. So... I moved from thinking about trousers and a shirt to wearing a suit and a feminine blouse. And I think that's where I'm going to stay. (laughs) For now. So... let's throw another twist into my shopping dilemma....
I'M GOING TO A BALL this weekend.
ha! Can you believe that? I received a call from the hospital inviting me and a guest to go to the cancer gala this Saturday night. I accepted because the folks at my cancer center have become super important to me. Super-duper important. I can't state it enough actually. I love those folks like I love my family/friends. This event is a fundraiser for the cancer center and the tickets are $500 per person. (ouch!) But luckily, I am able to attend as a guest of the cancer center and bring a guest. I asked my mother to go with me. I asked her to go at first because I was so excited and I thought that she would enjoy a "glam" night out. Plus, she's been so good at being by my side every step of the way -- especially since my boyfriend became to busy and then eventually became my ex-boyfriend. She didn't miss a beat in helping me out everyday, making sure I made it to every appointment, filled my prescriptions, had adequate rest and good nutritional habits. She has been my #1 supporter.
But... the downside -- which didn't hit me until a day or so later -- was that I don't have a doggone thing to wear. The event is this Saturday and I don't have a dress or even shoes for the grand event. I suppose that I will figure something out. But its just another twist on the shopping drama.
Let's add it up, shall we? I still need at least 1 swim suit and a cover up, related sun accessories; I need a fancy dress w/shoes and finally... a birthday outfit as well. For a sister on a limited budget and low energy... this is a tall order. But I'm up for the challenge, or I'm going to miss out on some fun activities. And I don't want to miss out on another thing in this life. Not another thing.
I had a great weekend. Had dinner with some girlfriends, celebrating another birthday and then we followed up with drinks and giggles at a martini lounge. It was fun. I enjoyed lots of champagne (early toasts to myself for just making it through the past few months) and even danced a little bit. I wasn't totally the "old" Nic but I certainly was very much the "new" Nicole. And I enjoyed myself immensely. I think I stayed out too long and drank too much wine but it was a really good time. I spent Saturday in bed... my joints were aching something terribly and I was just tired. But I sort of expected that. I walked a lot on Friday -- got turned around before I made it to the restaurant -- and then I was dancing and drinking like I didn't have a care. I figured it would come down on me later and it did. Sunday, my parents and I went to National Harbor and had dinner together. It was another really good time.
My parents are really wonderful people and they make me laugh all the time. All the time. I always threaten them that I'm going to put some hidden cameras in the house and tape a reality show about them. (laughs) But they are wonderful parents and good people. I feel so blessed to have them in my life. I relish the time we spend together, especially the happy laughing times. Life for all of us has been so stressful and scary over the past year. And I feel a lot of guilt about having cancer, having to rely on them so much, even for not being married yet and not having kids. Yep. I know its irrational, but its what I feel.
I went to chemotherapy today - a day early - for my herceptin treatment. I was not scheduled to see my oncologist today, but I got lucky (laughs) and had a chance to see him for a few moments. Dr. Siegel is just wonderful. He and the nurses at the cancer center have been my sunshine through all of this craziness. I know that they have stressful and demanding jobs. And it would not be unreasonable if they were curt or rude on occasion but they haven't been. Dr. Siegel always has a smile and a joke for me; or some flattery. (laughs) He's very human. And the nurses are too. They have made some mistakes (the nurses) but nothing that wasn't fixable. The reason I went to chemotherapy a day early was because one of the nurses made an error. She ordered herceptin from the pharmacy but it was a mistake. The herceptin has to be used within 24 hours of preparation or it is trashed. So, the nurse called me and asked me sweetly if I would come in a day early for my treatment. No muss, no fuss.
When I'm in the cancer center, I watch the other patients -- I just love watching people no matter where I am -- and some of the patients are just cruel and harsh to the staff. And it makes for an uncomfortable setting for everyone involved. I try my best to remain calm and not get stressed out while I'm getting treatment. Making other people feel bad just because I may feel bad will not resolve a bad situation. So, I think that the nurses treat me a little special because I am not a "problem" patient. And it has made for a good ray of sunshine during an otherwise gloomy time.
There is a gentleman in the cancer center -- I don't know his name -- but he just started his chemo about 2 months ago. I'm not sure what type of cancer he has, but he's in an advanced stage of cancer. He is a trip. (in a good way) Very lively personality but seeing him today made my heart twinge. He's really frail and thin, much thinner than he was when I saw him last. He walks very gingerly, as though his feet are just in pain. And he is completely bald now. I noticed dark spots on his head and on one arm... and I remembered that I had those same spots when I was bald as well. At the time, I thought that it was just the way that my scalp looked without hair but I realized today that it must be from the chemotherapy.
He was happy today and cheerful as usual but I felt so sad watching him. I know that he is probably giving his all everyday to kick cancer butt, and judging by his cheerful demeanor he probably recognizes that this is just one step on his journey. But I wanted to cry when I saw him. I'm not done with my treatment, not by a long shot. But I don't have the "look" anymore. My pain is manageable and I can return to my life for the most part. I pray that my friend will soon return to his life as well.
Whenever I see a cancer patient, I feel overwhelmed with sadness. Cancer is hard and its mean. And the treatment of it is hard and mean as well. You lose some of your essence going through the process of treatment and you may lose people that mean a lot to you. You can't get back the days you lose because you're sleeping, or in the hospital, or in too much pain to move. You can't get back the time you spend in waiting rooms, or hooked up to IV's. You can't get back the hours you may spend in the emergency room, or at the cancer center receiving infusions... or what feels like millions of tests and vials of blood that is taken from you.
You can't get any of that back. And the worry about how the treatment is affecting your body, and whether the cancer will come back... you have to learn how to live with that constant nagging in your head but not allow it to consume your heart and mind. Its a constant juggle. So when I see cancer patients, I get teary sometimes and I get sad everytime. Because I know that there is another soul who has been set on a rough path and I wish that they didn't have to suffer that way. I wish that I didn't have to either.
I am still in the process of learning how to balance having cancer (or as my friend would say... HAD cancer) with moving forward with life. In one moment, I can be happy and carefree and excited about something silly like my birthday... and then 10 minutes later I may have tears running down my face because I look back in my mind and realize that I have been through hell and its not quite over yet.
My mental state is a circus actually. I am trying to prepare to return to work. I am trying to figure out what clothes to wear and all that. I'm also thinking about my trip to Miami for my birthday celebration and considering my plans for the future. Going back to school, buying a new vehicle and preparing myself to buy a home of my own. Just trying to put everything on the right schedule. It can be done, it just needs to be planned out.
I've got to go, my ambien is kicking right in. And it is difficult to focus on ending this well.
Have a good day everyone. I have to go back to the hospital for an echo-cardiogram. They have to make sure that my heart hasn't been damaged.
i'll finish this tomorrow.
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