Well... the ambien was a mess! I got a higher dosage than before and that stuff is crazy. I took the ambien late on Tuesday night and spent all day Wednesday in serious pain. I was nauseous and headachy... my stomach was so tender that I couldn't eat. In fact I threw up many times before I even had a chance to eat. It was not pretty. I had to go to the hospital to get an echocardiogram and I nearly cried through the whole process.
I made myself go alone. Not because my mother wouldn't take me but because I'm trying to force myself/stretch myself into some independence. As soon as I left the house I wanted to call my mother to come and get me. But I knew that I HAD to get this test, I couldn't delay it again so I took some deep breaths and just trudged through it. And I made it but it was really hard.
Those of you who know me... know that I do not have a poker face. Everything I'm thinking and feeling shows up on my grill. The poor technician who did my echo was quite worried about me. I was an emotional wreck. I talked to my doctor before I left the building and he told me that it was probably the ambien that was making me feel so horrible and that if it didn't get better in a day he would switch me to something else.
Um. Yeah. Nicole will not be taking anymore of those pills. I don't know what I'm going to do about sleep -- tylenol pm just isn't working but neither is this ambien. Oh well. We'll figure something out.
Today's excitement is that ... my new silicone prosthesis arrived today. WOW! It feels like jello in my hand, haha! I ordered the largest size they had because my foam prosthesis is significantly smaller than my breast and it looks really crazy to me. I am not balanced. But, this sucker is HUGE. (laughs) Huge being relative because I don't think its still quite the size of my natural breast but it is much closer and the weight is more accurate. The foam prosthesis feels sort of like a shoulder pad so when I have it on, I don't feel it really. But according to the information that is out there -- not wearing a prosthesis that is close to the size of your natural breast (or not wearing one at all) can cause problems with your posture and your shoulders.
I can tell by looking at myself, and checking myself at various points in the day, that its true. I favor my left side a bit more now. I hold my arm constantly at an angle across my body -- sort of an unconscious attempt to protect myself I think. They call it a "napolean reflex". (laughs) So if you see me and I'm holding my arm -- just kindly (and gently) push my hand down to my side. I try to remember to do that during the day when I realize that I'm holding it up. Its bizarre really. But, not uncommon it seems.
I can't wait until I have my reconstruction surgery and am really feeling whole again. I haven't been fitted for a prosthesis yet -- simply because I haven't made the time to find a store that specializes in these products and made an appointment. I honestly don't want to. But I will because I know I need to. In the meantime, I needed to get something to wear (at the minimum) that was waterproof and swimmable. Because I will spend some time in the ocean.
I just re-read (quickly) what I wrote here and it sounds like I'm chastising myself about wearing my prosthesis. I don't mean to be so hard on myself. Or appear that way. If I weren't going to the beach, wearing the foam prosthesis (shoulder pad, lol) would be acceptable for a while longer because I'm only a short time out of radiation. I don't imagine that I'll wear this silicone one too often at first -- because it really does feel heavy. But I will work up to wearing it comfortably.
I tell you. I don't know how some women get breast implants and double or triple their natural size - or go even larger than that. Its CRAZY! Breasts are heavy. Sheesh. Any way... what other goodies did I get? Oh! I also got a medic-alert bracelet. (laughs) Who woulda thunk that I would ever need one of those? Because I had a radical mastectomy and had some lymph nodes removed, I am at an increased risk of getting lymphodema. Because of that risk, I can no longer have my blood pressure taken on my left arm, or have injections on my left arm. It dawned on me that I might want to wear something that (just in case) would alert medical personnel that I do have a medical issue that they have to be aware of. Its not the "prettiest" bracelet I've ever seen but hopefully it will never ever have to be used.
At any rate... I talked to my HR disability person and she said that I am tentatively scheduled to come back to work on May 1 -- my birthday. But... even though they are expecting me at that time, I still can't actually walk on the premises until I have my doctor RELEASE me to return to work. Ugh. More paperwork. (shrug) But I can definitely tell that I'm ready to go back because I was talking that poor lady to death this afternoon. (laughs) I did apologize for my exuberance though.
My swimsuits are on their way and I also received today the "pockets" that I need to sew into them to hold the prosthesis. I have to chuckle at all of this preparation because its just not my style to work this hard. I'm learning to go with the flow more and more... and I'm working on not comparing myself today to myself 6 months ago. All in all, today was a good day -- even though I didn't go shopping for a dress today. But the plan is to head out tomorrow and hopefully find something at the first place I stop. Haha! Like that's even reasonable.
Today was good because I ate food and didn't vomit. My headache has practically gone away and I've crossed more things off my to-do list. I've had a few moments of sadness, thinking about dating and the future but after a few tears and a little bit of worrying... I pushed on. Whether or not I meet the right guy doesn't matter as much as learning to love this new stage of my life. As much as I'm worried about what dating might be like in the future, I know that its only going to be as good as I am. I'm finding my way back to peace through meditation and prayer and reading scriptures at night. Right now I'm planning to forestall dating until 2010 but we will see what happens. (and yes, I do have a reason for that...)
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