cancer, cancer... everywhere

Last night was like most other nights recently. I had a difficult time falling asleep and endured repeated hot flashes that bathed me in moisture all night long. After the weird effects from the ambien earlier this week, I've resigned myself to just dealing with the drama at night without those pills.

I fell asleep around 5:30 am and awoke to my cellphone alerting me to new emails at 9:00 am. Usually I ignore the phone and just go back to sleep, but this morning something told me that I needed to see what was going on. And I'm really glad that I did.

I had received an email from an e-friend (smile) who shared some bad news about cancer touching her life. Her pain was so raw and although I've never met this sista in person, I wanted to go to her side and just hug her.

Since my diagnosis, I can't get away from cancer. For a long time, I thought that "getting away" was the goal. I wanted to move to a life where I didn't think about cancer anymore. But I'm coming to accept that it won't be possible to get away and even if it were possible, I'm not sure that I should.

Cancer is one of those illnesses that is always portrayed as a big scary monster. Television characters and movies use the word "cancer" as the ultimate threat. The fear of dying from cancer, the fear of living through cancer treatments... and so forth, just hangs out in the air like a blanket. Smothering us at its own will.

Even when you're not living in fear of the disease striking you personally, if it strikes someone close to you or someone that you recognize (like a neighbor or a celebrity)... it just hits a negative chord. Either we have become spoiled because of our track record with irradicating diseases or our ignorance about the disease is driving us mad. Maybe its both.

I'm supposed to be getting dressed right now to go to the cancer gala this evening. But I can't stop thinking about my friend's new family situation and the path ahead for them. I just read another breast cancer survivor's blog about healing after breast cancer. Her perspective was that healing is a process and you really don't start "healing" in a whole body-mind sort of way until after you've gotten through your treatment. I really agree with her.

I want to be able to tell everyone that now that my mastectomy is over, the harshest chemotherapy is past and my radiation treatment has finished... that NOW I'm healed and ready for the world. But the truth is that I cannot foresee the day when I don't have a thought or a tear about cancer. I may look okay and feel better but I know that this battle hasn't been won and it isn't over.

My doctor (the fabulous Dr. Robert Siegel) has been very careful not to say that I'm cured of breast cancer. Even though he is very optimistic about my future and has been very excited about the way that I've handled all of the treatment so far I am longing for the day when I hear that I'm in remission. But I'm wondering whether that word will just then become another label that I'm forced to wear without realizing the full weight of it until its too late.

My advice to my friend was that she allow herself room to grieve and be sad about this news. I am a true believer that we self-impose stress on ourselves trying to be brave and strong all the time. We are strong, but sometimes the best way to show our strength and to use our strength is to be vulnerable. Don't wallow in your weakness but accept those soft spots that we all have as part of the entire package of you.

Getting the diagnosis that you have (or someone you love has) cancer feels like the worst day of your life. And if my story is indication of other stories... you will remember nuances of that day for a very long time. But, I have to tell you, diagnosis is only the beginning. The road is hard and it is long -- if you're fortunate, very long. But you learn about yourself, your ability to love, your ability to be resilient, to be giving, to be... human. Willingly walking into the fire of cancer treatment is no easy decision and there will be many moments of doubt and fear. But you CAN get through this.

I tell myself everyday... usually after I've shed a few tears about something... that this is not THE END.

And to my friend, I am sending up prayers, sending healing thoughts and peace... but mostly I am waiting with open arms and ears for those moments when she will just need to talk/vent/cry/shout/whatever.

I will be here for you on those days. I am here for you now sis. We will all walk through this time together.

~Nicole