rest in peace robin johnston

Last week, I received a note on facebook from a former colleague and he informed me that someone we used to work with was dying of breast cancer. It blew my mind. He suggested that I go visit her but I didn't go. I told him that I barely remembered her from that job -- it was about 10 years ago -- and that if she were indeed dying, I wasn't sure that seeing an old colleague would really lift her spirits in any way. And that was how I felt. I thought that she would probably want some privacy in her life, especially in the last days. But was unsaid was that I couldn't look at a woman who probably isn't that much older than I am and know that she was dying of a disease that I am carrying in my genes at the moment.

I received an email today from another old friend who still works at that company. Robin died on Sunday.

I still cannot bring her face to my memory. I cannot think of any conversations that we may have had during my time of employment there. All I have is a general feeling that I didn't dislike her and that I probably felt that she was an okay person. We worked in different departments and probably did not interact too frequently. But with all that said... someone who has crossed my path in this lifetime died of breast cancer. And while I don't feel like I know her really... the loss is still real.

Last night, I had an emotion wash over me that really shattered my peace of mind. One day, I might be dying from this disease too. The actual thought that I had was... what if I only have another 5-10 years? What if that's all there is? Have I done enough? Been kind enough? Left a legacy that is positive and lasting? Have I been a good steward over the life that God gave me?

I just didn't know what to think.

And then this morning I learned that Robin died. I will be honest, it took a little pep out of my step today.

Today, I'm not dying from breast cancer but the possibility of reccurence is real. And if it comes back, it might be unstoppable. That's a hard notion to bear.

Life is short. And right now, there is a family grieving the loss of a daughter, sister, aunt, mother, cousin, friend... sadly, it is a scenario that will play out again and again and again this year.

Robin was loved by her family and colleagues and she will definitely be missed. The email I received mentioned her courage and how she taught others how to weather adversity by the way she handled her illness. I don't think I do that. (laughs) I can't imagine what goes through your mind when you read my posts... but this much I know... if this disease takes me out...

Y'all BETTA say something nice about me. :) Even if its something as frivolous as... she kept her toes painted "real cute". LOL...

...just don't forget me.