New Breast Cancer Treatment

Here is a two and half minute video on a new innovative breast cancer treatment … partial breast irradiation.

Daily Brivanib Side Effects

After being on a few different chemo regimens, I’ve learned the best thing to do when starting a new one is to keep a daily diary of the side effects. It just makes them easier to manage and to reconcile them when and if they are better or worse in my mind. Also, when the nurse asks me how the last week was I can give her a detailed list of what went on. She really likes my list.

These are a few side effects I experienced daily …

• woozy and drunk like till noon and then tapers off to nothing around 5 pm
• chills and nausea … mild
• fatigue
• blood stained mucus … minimal
• a rash just above my PICC line … minor

When I signed up for this clinical trial, the Onc warned me that my bp will probably go up. And mine is now 170/103.

Anyways, he put me on 5mg of Ran-Ramipril and said we’ll watch these numbers closely and adjust as required.

Results after One Week on Brivanib

After having my blood drawn and PICC line redressed at the clinic, I spent some time catching up on emails and surfing. I was feeling a bit down going into this appointment because of my dark urine earlier this week and I was not expecting good news. Anyways, the nurse and I went over the side effects I documented this past week. She then brought out the blood work and said with a smile, your liver numbers have gone way down. Really? Yes, my overall liver function has improved by 20%.

Then my Onc came in to the room and joined in. We all sat there with a look of surprise and then I saw a small smile come across on my Onc’s face … that said it all for me.

I can honestly say we all were very surprised by these results, especially after having dark urine this week. But for whatever reason, my body is very receptive to this new chemo. I’m overjoyed.

And then when I got home more good news … D said a lady from the Credit Union came by and dropped off these flowers and some chocolate. Apparently, she said they read my blog and just wanted to give me some flowers. There was no card and so I don’t know who this is from. However, I want to thank you so much because it just made a wonderful day that so much more wonderful.

Sears Coffee Group Meeting

Our Sears Coffee ladies group decided to visit one of our own who is in hospice. J’s daughter T greeted us at the entrance to J’s room. We all walked in and started chattering just like a bunch of school girls. First thing was for everyone to find a seat … of course that included our mascot Ari. He found a spot on the bed amongst J’s assortment of soft and cuddly stuffed bears. Unfortunately he kept falling over … giggling that he was being too rambunctious, we had him sit on S’s lap so he’d behave.

Then we checked in with J to see how she was feeling. She has had a drain put in from her liver so she is not looking jaundiced any more. She said today was a good day and had quite a busy schedule this week… visitors and such. She said she was happy because everything she needs is taken care of. Then we checked out all her doodads on her shelves and that were pinned to a cork board. We admired some newly added photos, we checked out some of her lovely flowers on the shelf and talked about the nice view she had out her bedside window. J said she enjoyed the little things like the pigeons that circled around the building for her.

We chatted about what’s new with all of us. I talked about how my chemo made me feel drunk like and of course we got a few jokes and chuckles out of that. J presented each gal with a book mark with inspirational message. Each one specially chosen for each of us… mine said … ‘May God give you a rainbow for every storm’. J I will cherish that, thank you.

Then it was time for photos … C said she didn’t want to be in the front. Once again we had some laughs … trying to rearrange five ladies around a bed … to fit into a picture.

As we were about to leave C decided to share a joke that had been sent around on email. She did a great job telling it and we all laughed pretty hard. 

Soon it was time to leave, each gal giving J a kiss and a hug and a few private words.

Feeling Better after a Rough Patch

My coughing from allergies is way better and I’m crediting that to our first snow fall.

As this past Monday wore on, I thought … is my urine getting darker? Sure enough, Tuesday morning, my first pee of the day shocked me. It’s was a dark brown color. I contacted the research nurse and she asked if I was turning yellow … jaundice. I said no. Great she said, we’ll do blood work on Thursday when we see you. She reminded me to drink 6 to 8 glasses of water every day. And sure enough, after drinking a whole bunch of water … my urine is now clear again.

Apparently my billirubin levels were sky high to begin with and that combined with the Brivanib I just started; my liver just isn’t able to properly remove the bilirubin from my body. It then exits through the kidneys and into the urine turning it dark brown.

Do you know what cancer is?

Everyone has heard of (and maybe had nightmares about) cancer. The Big C. The boogeyman. Many of us have fretted about what we would do if we or someone we loved found out that they had cancer. And a whole lot of us have lived through that nightmare. What is amazing though... is that while so many us know the word cancer... I don't really think that a whole lot of us know exactly what cancer is. I'm going to try to explain it. (keep in mind that I'm not a medical professional and even as a survivor, my understanding of this disease is limited)

Ready? Let's go...

What cancer is NOT.

• cancer is not an automatic death sentence
• cancer is not a mysterious boogeyman coming to steal your mom, dad, child, brother, sister.... away from you
• cancer is not contagious
• every cancer is not the same
• cancer is not a curse

What cancer IS.

• cancer is actually more than 100 diseases that fall under the umbrella of "cancer"
• cancer is a disease that happens at the cellular level

• cancer cells are different from normal, healthy cells in that they grow abnormally and invade other body areas.

How cancer starts.

• normal cells live, divide and die in a very specific way. If something goes wrong with a cell, it either fixes itself or it dies. In a cancer cell, when something goes wrong, the cell doesn't repair itself and it doesn't die. Instead, it changes the cells around it.
• cancer cells grow out of control and invade other cells. That is what makes them cancer. Think of it as a part of your body deciding that it wants to rebel against the job it was created to do. Imagine that your nose decided that it wanted to be an arm. (silly thought, but its something like that)
• when cancer cells grow out of control, they form a tumor. Every tumor is not cancer. Every cancer does not create a tumor. Some cancers, like leukemia, are formed in the bloodstream.

What makes cancer, well... cancer?

• cancer is named for the area that it is found in. For example, I had breast cancer because tumors were found in my breast.
• no matter where cancer may spread, it is still treated as the cancer from the first location. If my breast cancer were to spread to my bones, it would still be treated as breast cancer.
• each type of cancer is different and requires different treatments. So if (for example) my breast cancer spread to my bones, it would be metastatic breast cancer and not bone cancer. The treatment would be for breast cancer and not bone cancer because the two cancers are very different.
• some tumors are benign -- which simply means that they are not cancer. Benign tumors can still be a problem but their treatment is different from cancer tumors. Benign tumors can grow and press against other body parts/organs but they cannot invade cells. That is what makes them different from cancer tumors. Rarely are benign tumors deadly.

What else?

• early detection is best for treating cancer.
• just because you find out that you have cancer, it does not automatically mean that you're going to go through chemotherapy and lose all of your hair. Not everyone has to go through that treatment. Some cancers are treated with medication you take orally. Others are treated with relatively simple surgical procedures.
• being afraid of "what if" is more dangerous than finding out that you have cancer and taking proactive steps to cure it.
• sadly, cancer is very common. Nearly 50% of men will get cancer in their lifetime. And 30% of women will get cancer in their lifetime. While common, it is NOT -- I repeat N.O.T. -- an automatic death sentence.
• we know how to avoid some cancers -- don't smoke (or quit if you do), stay in shape (if you're obese, lose weight), drink alcohol in moderation, limit your time in the sun unprotected, eat a healthy diet (fresh fruits and vegetables, moderate meat intake, lots of water)
• those cancers that we don't know how to avoid, we still can take protective measures against -- know what you're putting in your body through food (the more natural the form, the better for you), be careful about what you put on your skin (chemicals in our cosmetics have been linked to cancer), and pay attention to changes in your body.

All cancers are not fully understood but they are not mysterious boogeymen either. If you are ever diagnosed with cancer, know that you can survive the diagnosis and go on to live a full and rich life. Life can continue and be beautiful after cancer.

I am a witness.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cancer

Mammogram by Lady Ta Ta ~ Video

I wanted to share a fun video that I first saw on my friend Dee's mets blog … Dee’s Updates.

The four and a half minute video is a parody of the Lady Gaga song "Poker Face" inspired by the folks at Susan G. Komen Foundation.

I still forget that I have to make changes



my lymphedema arm during physical therapy

 One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies is... "Youth is wasted on the young...". (Its from Its a Wonderful Life)  Whenever I find myself becoming wistful for my remember when days... that line pops into my head... "youth is wasted on the young". Today I am thinking it because it just dawned on me that I am at fault for aggravating my lymphedema this week. As a young person, you take good health for granted. You hurt yourself, you heal and then you bounce back... good as new. You rarely have to make lifetime adjustments to accommodate your changed body. Usually because your body just bounces back to its original state and you can keep it moving.

Well, I could not figure out why my arm was feeling so heavy. Or why it was swelling up. I was slightly alarmed but mostly annoyed. What in the world was going on? And how... HOW... was I going to deal with this crazy lymphedema if it just flared up for no reason like this?

Ha ha! No reason? No ma'am... there is always a reason, you just have to find it. Long story made short -- I aggravated my condition because I haven't been doing what I'm supposed to do. I haven't been walking every day like I should. I haven't been elevating my arm twice daily for 15 minutes. I haven't been doing my stretches and exercises. And ... I haven't been diligent about NOT carrying heavy bags on that side.

This past weekend, I attended (hosted actually) a brunch event for my meetup group. The sponsor of the event had supplied a few items to be given away to the participants. Since I don't drive and typically travel by subway, I moved the items from the box they were shipped in, to a bag that I could throw over my shoulder and keep moving. That's logical right? Wrong. At least... wrong for Nicole.

The giveaways were full size bottles of body wash and hair conditioner. I'll guess that with my regular stuff and the Dove prizes... I was probably carrying a bag that weighed maybe 15 pounds. Not super heavy... but too heavy for me to be carrying around on my bad arm. Which of course I did. Along with carrying my "I already know its too darn heavy" purse as well.

Ugh. I sooo hate it when I do stupid things because I'm not being aware and conscious. Carrying the products wasn't the worse thing ever. But it was part of a snowballing effect where I wasn't being a good caregiver for myself. I know better. I do. But I got comfortable and lax... and my body responded.

Sigh. I'll be taking my walk shortly. And elevating my arm. And wearing my compression sleeve. And I won't be pretending that I do not have to pamper myself and remain conscious that things are different now. I can do anything I set my mind to, I just have to be aware of how I do things and make accommodations for potential problems.

I met a miracle the other day...

Serendipity is a wonderful thing. Lately, I have had the great fortune of having a multitude of serendipitous moments... I cannot complain about random good things. So Saturday evening, I was bone-tired and trying to find enough energy to make it to a dinner party that I had been invited to. As I was resting in the ladies lounge and charging my cell phone, a woman came into the lounge pushing a stroller.

Turns out that she was an old co-worker and she had just had a baby 6 months ago. Miss Emma was one of the most beautiful and happy babies that I've ever seen. As Emma's mommy told me the story about her birth -- her mom never really wanted kids but then changed her mind, once she changed her mind she found out that her body had some challenges that would make it difficult if not impossible for her to get pregnant or carry to term.

Long story short... all of the challenges and concerns did not stop Miss Emma from making her world debut. Like I said... she was beautiful. Cherubic, smiling face... the melodic gurgling giggles... just perfection. She was absolutely perfect.

Normally, the sight of a beautiful baby gives me a moment of womb-envy. It makes me pause and sigh and wonder what in the world my future will hold in that regard. But as Emma's mom and I kept talking -- mind you, we haven't seen each other in years so we had a lot to catch up on -- she helped to reframe my thinking about all of this.

Emma's mom had a lot of reasons why having a baby could have been a long-shot. She had a twisted cervix, and a serious issue with fibroids. Her doctor had actually recommended that she consider having a hysterectomy. But she decided that she wanted to try and she wanted to have a baby. And while she did experience some problems... her baby is perfect and beautiful.

(Fibroids are a major health issue for african american women - a lot of us have them and they can wreck havoc on your womb health) http://www.fibroids.com/news-blog/2010/04/african-american-women-and-fibroids/

As we discussed my history with breast cancer and I explained that I was concerned that my fertility was gone or significantly reduced, and I explained that the medication I take now to reduce my chances of breast cancer recurrence cannot be taken while pregnant... so the consideration about having a baby is a serious one for me. She asked me whether I wanted to have a baby... and I laughed.

Yes, I think children are beautiful (albeit expensive) and I would love the challenge of having a child and being able to nurture a new person for the world... but interestingly enough I can't do it alone. And there's still no guy for me to consider having a baby with. Emma's mom said something that made me pause... she told me to wait until I came across the guy who would adore me. Now, I've heard that before but for some reason it was as though a lightbulb went off when she said it. Emma's mom was glowing. And I could tell that it wasn't just because she had that beautiful baby. She was really in love and with someone who loves her back.

And it made me think about my own dating life -- or what vestiges remain of it -- and I laughed out loud at myself. I've been kicking myself for being too picky at times. Kicking myself for not being picky enough at other times. Kicking myself for being too aggressive. Kicking myself for being too passive. Overall... I've been kicking myself for not getting this dating thing right. But it just hit me that until I meet "the one"... moving beyond the ones who aren't him is exactly what I am supposed to do.

Likewise... Emma's mom dropped another nugget of wisdom on me. Again, something I new but it still made the lightbulb go off. She said simply... "our bodies are so amazing".  (don't worry if the lightbulb didn't go off for you) All of the ways that the doctors tried to prepare her for the likelihood that she could not become pregnant or that her baby might be born with some health concerns... at the end of the day, none of it mattered and her blessing was simply her blessing.

I needed to be reminded that sometimes God just has something for you. Its got your name on it and it will not be denied... no matter how long the delay may be.

I found my second wind and went to the dinner party. Fatigue overtook me after I ate and I had to leave before the partying began but... I went and had a good time. My frame of mind was better and I was peaceful with the notion that if its meant to be, it will happen.

That is a beautiful thing. :)

Update on how I’m Feeling

So I thought I better do an update on how I’m feeling outside the clinical trial side effects. For the last couple of weeks I’ve been struggling with what I think are environmental allergies. It started out with wheezing during the night which I’m treating with a nightly dose of Benadryl.

I don’t wheeze anymore but during the day, my chest feels so full. I cough and later have some shortness of breath. I find this especially when laying down or getting up from a laying down position. I’ve coughed so much I’m hoarse. My nose is a bit stuffy and my head feels a bit headachy.

I’ve also been experiencing the chills. This started a couple of days after getting my flu shot last week. I’m not too worried about this because my temperature remains normal.

Other than that … there is fatigue. I really have to plan and monitor my activity so I don’t over tire myself. If I do, I easily become emotional, anxious and nauseous.

Three days on Brivanib

So I’ve been on Brivanib for three days now and I thought I’d share what I’m experiencing. About 40 minutes after I take it, I feel woozy and drunk like, to the point that I should not drive. Even my laptop screen is blurry. About two hours later and after I’ve had bite to eat, the dizziness and lightheadedness pretty well disappears and I feel quite normal. 

I think I’m already getting a bit lazier because the couch is getting just a bit too comfy.

This change in my treatment is causing me to change up my blogging schedule a little. I used to like writing my blog every day with my morning coffee. But now I have to lay out some thoughts the night before when I’m thinking clearer and can string some thoughts together. I’ve also made a mental note not to schedule any morning appointments, for now anyways.

My Final Press Interview

Ok, this is the last newspaper article with me in it … this week I’m in the Edmonton Examiner. The story is still part of me helping the Canadian Breast Cancer Network with their campaign to promote Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day. 

If you’re in the Edmonton area, I invite you to pick up a copy of this week’s paper or go here for the online version to read what I had to say. Working with the reporter from the Examiner was nothing but a pleasure. Not only did she help me get the message across accurately but she came by to take the lovely picture of me and my dog Daisy. 

I’m kinda glad this promotion stuff is all over now. I’m exhausted.

Eight Hours at the Clinic

I was pleasantly surprised when I got to my room on the ward and saw two beds … yes believe it, semi-private. My roommate was a lung cancer patient who was also there on a study drug. The nurse said, you will be here the longest … you get the bed closest to the window. Oh my, that was music to my ears. Being up so early in the morning, I was feeling wiped already so now the thought of crawling into a bed with a warm blanket was simply divine. 

Anyways, once we all got organized, the nurse took eight vials of blood through my PICC line. I was pretty excited about that because my hand was still badly bruised from my visit to the lab last Friday. She checked my bp and then gave me my first four tablets of the trial drug Brivanib Alaninate. I had blood drawn three more times throughout the day, along with having my bp checked. 

I was so comfy in bed that I skipped breakfast and just watched DVDs and checked email. As lunch approached, I decided it was time to get up and find some food. As I got up and walked down the hall to the cafeteria, I sure felt woozy, like I had a couple of drinks. 

At the end of the day, I was sent home with a log book and a three week supply of Brivanib. They want me to take it once a day, everyday at exactly the same time. I’ve settled on 8:30 in the morning and they can be taken with or without food. Because of the clinical trial the nurse warned me about taking any other drugs and to consult her first. She suggested if I do need to see a doctor, that I bring my clinical trial consent form with me.

Finally ... I’m on the Clinical Trial

Yippee yahoo … I’m on Brivanib Alaninate!

Yesterday at the clinic, the nurse came checked my blood pressure. After that the Onc came in and gave me a physical exam and discussed my health in general. I said other than being a little tired, I was feeling pretty good. He looked at all my test results. Everything looked good except some of my liver numbers were high … sky high. He said I made it in … just under the maximum … with only a few points to spare.

Long story short, the nurse asked when I’d like to start and I said … ASAP. Excellent, we’ll see you tomorrow morning at 8:00am … bring breakfast and lunch. Your appointment will last eight hours and blood will be drawn every two hours. Here’s hoping my PICC line can be used for that.

How do I measure up?

In a few days I will be seeing my oncologist for a follow-up appointment. I haven't seen Dr. S in about 6 months and I am actually excited. My oncologist is a very nice man... and he is exceptional at what he does. Making very sick people better.

When I first met Dr. S, I only knew what I had been told about him from another doctor and what I found from a google search. He exceeded my expectations. The physicians that I know personally (friends and family members) are wonderful, warm and easy to talk to. But I tend to think of them as the exception to the rule, rather than the standard. I expected Dr. S to be stiff and stuffy and to come across as arrogant and condescending. He was none of those things. And along the way, I developed a crush of sorts on him.

I don't mean that I thought of the man in a romantic way. But I felt very comforted by him. I never felt that he was trying to take advantage of me -- or of my health insurance. I always felt that he listened to me and that when I expressed fear or concern about something, he took it seriously. We had a great rapport. That said... I've missed him, and the other members of the oncology team during the past few months. They were my safety net and now they are gone. Its a little scary out here on my own.

I know that I will have to take a lot of tests and I will have to remember to tell him all the things that I have noticed about myself since my last visit. But what I really will be interested in knowing is how I measure up. Am I making good progress in my healing? I think so... but what will the numbers show? Is my fear of recurrence rational? Probably not... but its still there.

I know that comparing yourself to others is not a great way to go through life. There will always be someone prettier, smarter, taller/shorter, wealthier... something... than you are. Getting comfortable and excited about who you are is the goal. I know this and yet, I am still very concerned about how I will measure up next week.

I'll keep you posted about what I learn. Say a prayer and keep your fingers crossed that I never ever have to hear the words... "Ms. McLean, you have cancer" again.

A WomansDay.com Article

About a week ago I received an email from a writer from WomansDay.com. She said she was working on a story for WomansDay.com about breast cancer bloggers and she wanted to include me in the article.

She said she wanted me to write something about my experience with breast cancer. Also to say something about the impact I’ve had on other breast cancer patients and the cause in general. She said she wanted my personality to shine through and to give their readers an honest view of what I’m currently going through and what I have already gone through.

I feel so honored to have been offered the opportunity to share my story on such a large stage. To see the article ... click here.

still working on my "sexy"

A few months ago, I asked the ladies in my email group what they did to feel sexy. And when were the times that they felt the sexiest and most feminine. The ladies gave me lots of examples... including after a massage, after getting their hair done and more. I was looking for ideas and suggestions to help me reclaim what I feel is still missing in my life.

When I lost my breast to the mastectomy, I lost my sexy. I lost the feeling of femininity. It was strange to me because prior to that surgery, I would have never thought that how I viewed myself was in anyway connected to my breasts at all.

I lived with one breast for 10 months. Some women live the remainder of their lives with one (or no) breast(s) after their mastectomy. Those 10 months were very challenging for me. I often felt like a fraud. Like I was masquerading as a woman... hard to feel sexy when you've lost the connection to your own body.

I have now had my new breast for nearly a year and my connection to my sexuality and my sensuality is much stronger than it used to be. But I do believe that it can be even greater than it is. I know now that when I get dressed, I look good in my clothes. I like that my belly is flat -- though I feel a little fraudulent about that too. Flat belly from surgery, not exercise. That's cheating, right? (shrug) But I still am not completely connected to this new body. I go through periods were I vacillate between feeling uber-sexy and non-sexy. It is strange.

I look at old pictures of myself and I remember how dissatisfied I was with my body before cancer... and yet, I felt sexy and attractive every day. (laughs) Even on the days where I didn't look my best, I felt sexy. Now, its just not the same. I feel sexy when I'm dressed up. I feel sexy if I'm spending time with a special person. But if I'm alone... or dressed very casually... nope. Not a bit of sexiness do I feel.

I understand logically that my feelings of sexy start in my mind and go from there. But it just doesn't always translate. Struggling to pull this compression sleeve on and off -- not sexy. Running my hand across my skin and noticing how dry and thin it feels -- not sexy. Fighting with this (still) strangely curly hair everyday -- not sexy. Being afraid to have my brows waxed too frequently because I'm secretly worried that the hair won't grow back in a timely manner -- not sexy. Being scared to death to have a pedicure because the risk of infection is high -- not sexy. And on, and on.

The little things make a woman like me feel sexy. A fresh haircut, nicely shaped brows, pretty painted toes... yes. Those little touches make me feel so much like a beautiful girl. Trying to forget or ignore all the other ways that my life is different is a constant reminder of that non-sexy feeling. I don't move like I used to. I can't use my arm like I used to. My arm doesn't look like it used to. My clothes don't fit like they used to. Some things I need to get rid of because they will never fit again -- like my collection of expensive bras in my former size. I have a stockpile of things that I've collected over the past two years... things that I needed to cope with different side effects of treatment. When I open the medicine cabinet in the bathroom and see the soothing gel I used on my burns during radiation treatment, I get teary. And yet, I can't bring myself to throw it away. I have more bandages that the normal person should own... but I needed them when my fingernails and toenails lifted and fell off during chemotherapy. I can't throw those away. The toothpaste I used then. The lotion and creams that I used on my sensitive chemo skin... The collection of pill bottles... you get the drift.

I know I should throw that stuff away and be done with it. Move on. But I'm finding it difficult. So, I look past it. Act like its not taking up too much space in my life... but it is. And I know that its far beyond time for it to go.

I suspect that I will focus on taking care of that this week. I need a fresh wind to move through my life and my world. Guess it starts with me cleaning out my closets and getting rid of things that are from my old life. Maybe then some of the cobwebs in my head will fall... and my sexy will come back full-time.

The Flu Shot

Yesterday D and I drove to the local mall to get our flu shot and get a bite to eat at the food court. We were the only ones standing in line. We started talking to the gal who was directing folks to each of the nursing stations for their shots. After a bit of small talk she said she was a trained psychologist and was also on the lookout for people with high anxiety.

She directed us to a nursing station were D and I sat together. The RN said we’d get a vaccine for three types of flu including H1N1. I said that I’d like to get my shot in my thigh because I have lymphedema in one arm and a PICC in the other. So the RN ushered me to the back where they had a screen setup.

After my shot we went back to meet D who’s biggest concern at that point is if he could get a sucker in case he started to cry. The nurse and I only chuckled a little bit. She said we don’t have suckers this year … only stickers. Just then we saw a mother and a two year old in tow who just got his shot. He was smiling and waving to everyone as he passed by. What a little trouper.

After the mandatory 15 minute wait for a negative reaction, we headed over to the food court were we felt like having Chinese.

This morning, my thigh was only mildly sore where I got the shot … if this is all it is … I’m ok.

I whip my hair back and forth...

Unless you've been living under a rock or something... you've probably heard that Willow Smith, daughter of Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith has a blazing hot new single called "Whip My Hair". She is a fiesty 9 year old girl who has stolen my heart with this wonderful little tune. Why? Because she reminds me to be present... and to be happy to be an individual.

Whip my hair is about being an individual. To quote Willow, "Like you can't be afraid of yourself. You have to be yourself and you can’t let anyone tell you that it’s wrong!"

The song is catchy with an infectious hook and a happy beat. The video that was just released yesterday is equally amazing and fun and effervescent. In this song, Willow has captured the essence of what it means for me to be a breast cancer survivor... its MY life now. I get to choose how to live it, what to do with it, and what brings me joy.

I whip my hair back and forth...

Being happy is a choice that you have to make every day. Several times a day. All the time in fact. Life is constantly presenting challenges. Some of them stop you in your tracks. Some of them are easy to get beyond. But everytime you're faced with one... you have, in that moment, a chance to choose how you will react to it and whether your will choose happiness or something else.

I read recently that people who think of themselves as happy people tend to constantly look at life as a series of choices and obstacles. They choose to see challenges not as impenetrable walls or road blocks but as detours. You choose one path and then a challenge pops up... if you sit there and stare at the challenge, cry about the unfairness that the challenge appeared in your way, sit down and study the challenge... you're missing an opportunity to be happy and to be on your way.

Go around it. Or maybe you need to go under it. Sometimes you may have to go back a little bit to find a different path to reach your goal. But the choice to be happy while you keep moving is always yours.

I don't say any of this facetiously. I know that some of the challenges that life presents to us can knock us to our knees. Learning that I had breast cancer, that I would have to give up my breast and my fertility in order to save my life... knocked the wind out of me and pushed me to my knees. And it hurt. It hurt so very deeply that I can still feel the heartbreak from that time. But the choice to smile and find something -- no matter how small -- to be happy about was mine.

I'll be honest. I didn't always choose happiness. There were (and still are) lots of moments when I do just stop and cry. I look at the obstacles in front of me and I just cringe. I shout out to God that I've simply had enough of the shenanigans. And then after I've gotten it out of my system... I get up. And I start moving again.

Or as Willow says... "I whip my hair back and forth..."

Check out the video, if you haven't seen it already.
 
Whip my hair - youtube video


PS. I am not trying to make light of having breast cancer or going through any type of traumatic experience. If you find that you cannot find your way to joy or happiness... you may need to talk to a counselor or a therapist. Depression is real. Post-traumatic stress disorder is real. And sometimes you need more than willpower or a catchy tune to find your way to happiness. There is no shame in seeking help. There is no shame in grieving your losses. If the people who love you and see you most often seem concerned about your sadness... chat with someone who may be able to help steer you in the right direction.

But if it feels like a temporary state of unhappiness... just whip your hair back and forth until you giggle. Believe me, it works.

Photos of my day on Parliament Hill

Hey everybody - I finally got around to doing a blog showing off the press photos taken on Parliament Hill with the Canadian Breast Cancer Network gals and me meeting our parliamentarians.

Because of the CBCN, the folks on the Hill have a better appreciation of what all us METs gals are going through.

This was a once in a life time experience and it was so cool because they were really listening to what we had to say. I’m so proud. 

Here is a shot of me in conversation with Senator Vivienne Poy. To see all 19 pictures, click here.

How to give the perfect gift to someone with breast cancer

I want to offer some quick advice about gift giving for the breast cancer patient/survivor. There are a few simple rules that I've come up with during my time dealing with breast cancer... feel free to use (or not) as you see fit and as apply to your situation.

1. You learn that someone you love (or like a lot) has been diagnosed with breast cancer. You are distraught and want to help but you have no idea what this person likes or needs. What do you do? Simple answer:  call (or email) and ask. It is preferable if you can reach out to someone close to that person, especially if the diagnosis is new and you are afraid of upsetting them.
2. You are not very close to this person (or you're shy and don't want to bother them with a phone call) but you want them to know that you care and that you are supporting them. What do you do? Simple answer:  send a card or a handwritten note expressing your feelings. The note does not have to be very long. It can simply say... "Thinking of you at this time" and that's it. The thought that someone outside of the situation cared enough to spend a little time and thought to send a note, really is helpful.
3. You don't want to look like a cheapskate and you want to give a gift that really will help their life since the diagnosis. What do you do?  Simple answer:  Try to think of soothing things... gift baskets that you make yourself are very nice. Try to be mindful about where the person is in their treatment schedule. If they are in chemotherapy for example, then keep in mind that food is likely not their favorite thing so edible gifts may not be the best gifts. Every girl doesn't like flowers (though I do... and still accept them even now)... but flowers are a nice touch of thoughtfulness.
4. You figure if it has a pink ribbon on it and/or your purchase of the gift will also be a donation to a breast cancer charity... its a great idea, right? Simple answer: NO! Just because it has a pink ribbon doesn't mean that it will matter at all to the person that you want to give it to. Some patients are very disturbed by the image of the pink ribbon. Many companies use the pink ribbon image and the promise of charitable donations merely as marketing ploys... keep in mind what your gift will mean to the recipient.
5. Your money is limited but your time is not. What do you do? Simple answer:  Call and offer your time. A visit is a beautiful gift that doesn't cost anything beyond your transportation expense. Offer to cook (or bring food) for them. Or offer to accompany the patient to an appointment or hang out with them during chemotherapy. Breast cancer can be very isolating and it is also very draining on the patient and their caregivers. You can give the caregiver a break for a few hours and sit with the patient... laughter is always free and a beautiful gift that will not go unnoticed. You can offer to cook or clean or maybe babysit the kids.
6. Your time is limited but your money is not. What do you do? Simple answer:  Give money. (laughs) Seriously though, cancer is a very expensive disease. Even if the person has great health insurance, co-pays, prescriptions, and all the "stuff" you need to buy as you go along in treatment really can tap your savings account in a major way. If you're uncomfortable giving cash, offer a gift card or a Visa/Mastercard giftcard to help offset expenses. Offer a giftcard for the grocery store, the pizza parlor (or whatever food place delivers and is enjoyed by the recipient).
7. The person diagnosed is one of your closest friends but you live a million miles away. You want her to know that you love her and that you want to be of help. What do you do? Keep regular dates with your friend. Either call at the same time or day every week or send cards/notes regularly. Do not fall off the face of the earth. And do not take it for granted that "if she needs me, she will call me" because she may not. She may not have the energy to call.
8. You talked to your friend and she seemed really upset. What can you do? Simple answer:  You have to know your friend in order to know what will help. For me, comedy and laughter was the best gift. Some of my favorite gifts were funny movies and silly books that took my mind off of cancer for awhile. Also, the best thing that you can do to help your friend, is to learn about her disease. There are books out there to help husbands understand breast cancer, and there are books to explain breast cancer and its treatment. The more you know, the better you will be able to help her during this time. And the more you know the less likely you are to say something well-intentioned but insensitive.
9. You are crafty/handy and want to give a hand-made gift. What would be helpful? Simple answer: it depends on the patient. Two things to keep in mind. One, if you want to buy clothes or things that will touch the skin, natural fabrics are best and be aware that chemotherapy and surgery makes the skin very sensitive. So, things that you might purchase for yourself may not be gentle enough for the patient. I remember wearing my socks inside out because my feet were so tender during chemotherapy that the seams inside the socks irritated my toes. (laughs) Yes, its that serious. Two, if you want to give gifts like lotions or soaps, etc. please PLEASE make sure that it is all natural, preferably organic and does not have any irritating properties to it. If you don't live in an area where organic beauty supplies are plentiful, give items that are made for infants where possible. Epsom salts are a WONDERFUL gift. And cheap. May not be the sexiest gift in the world, but it is so soothing to take an epsom bath after chemotherapy. It helps with the aches and pains and it also pulls some of the toxins out of the body. Avoid items with parabens, mineral oil and sulfates. Not good for the skin. A good rule of thumb is if you wouldn't or couldn't eat it, don't put it on your skin.
10. You're not a great gift-giver but you want to help. What do you do? Simple answer:  provide ways to make life easier for the patient. Create a medical binder that the patient can use to keep all of the paperwork in one place. She will need a calendar system as well. Organization is the key to keeping everything relatively smooth going. The gift of a journal can also be helpful. A journal will give her a place to write her thoughts about the entire process but also to note any questions that make come up between doctor appointments. I kept a binder with sections for insurance paperwork, appointment paperwork, lists of medications and how to take them, bills and notices from the insurance company too. I purchased a large spiral paper calendar that I carried with me to every appointment so that I could write down where I was supposed to be and when. Any way to help keep things organized will be extremely helpful to the patient.

The bottom line is that you should remember a few things... depending on your relationship with the patient, your gift(s) and interaction should reflect your concern. If it is a work colleague, you may want to protect their privacy. In that case, a one time card/note with kind words and maybe a floral arrangement will be sufficient. If it is your best friend since forever... constant contact may be more appropriate. Regular get well soon cards, or thinking of you notes... regular phone calls and visits may be more in line with your close relationship. You just want to let this person know that you care and that you want to help. Just because it has a pink ribbon doesn't mean that she will like it -- or that she should. Give the gift from your heart... and all should be fine.

Vote For Health ~ An Initiative of the Canadian Cancer Society, Alberta/NWT Division

As per the Canadian Cancer Society’s website …

On Monday, October 18, Albertans will head to the polls to elect new city and town council members. The Canadian Cancer Society urges you, the voters, to consider health when casting your vote on election day.

The Canadian Cancer Society acknowledges the important role governments play in the prevention of disease. As such, we have educated candidates in municipalities throughout the province on important issues of health and surveyed them for their stance on each. The goal is to identify candidates that support healthy public policies and thereby empower you to Vote For Health in your communities.

To learn more about election issues and to find your community for a list of candidates in your area, please go to http://voteforhealth.ca/index.html.

...can I be a little sick of pink ribbons on EVERYTHING?

As a kid, October was one of the best months because of Halloween. Getting dressed up in costumes and going trick-or-treating around the neighborhood was BIG FUN! When I outgrew that stage of development, October lost its shine... and became the month that little kids overindulged in sugary sweets.

Little by little... October's importance as breast cancer awareness month grew as I got older. It did not make October a favorite month of mine, but my respect for the month grew. And then I was diagnosed with breast cancer... and suddenly October's importance loomed large in my life again.

There are many breast cancer survivors who don't care for the pink ribbon or all of the hype that this month brings. I am not bothered by the sea of pink that this month brings. In fact, since pink has always been one of my favorite colors, I'm absolutely overjoyed to be able to find so many items in pink because of breast cancer awareness.

So... today when I opened an email and read about "breast cancer pears"... I was confused. What on earth is a breast cancer pear, I thought? Well... its a piece of fruit. Yes, that's all. A piece of fruit that grew on a tree. No, it doesn't have magical qualities or some sort of miraculous healing properties that will cure breast cancer. It is simply a pear.

Sigh.

But it is a pear that is marketed by an organization that claims that purchasing these breast cancer pears is a wonderful way to show someone that you care for them ... and to contribute to the Susan G. Komen Foundation for breast cancer research. Its interesting that I stumbled on this email today because a few days ago I was engaged in a deep conversation with some ladies on line about the Komen Foundation and whether or not they are really working towards finding a cure... or just making money on the image of caring. (paraphrase mine...)

So... a pear that is just like any other pear that you buy or pick off a tree, suddenly is "better" because its packaged with a pink ribbon and sold (probably for a premium) in order for the California pear industry to be able to make a sizable donation to Komen.

Sigh.

Just seeing that made me sigh deeply. Some of the items that are plastered with pink ribbons simply mean nothing. Nothing. Companies have now begun to just take advantage of a disease that is ravaging the lives of many women and men... because it looks good to say that we support breast cancer awareness. But the lack of specificity about how exactly you hope to support breast cancer awareness, the lack of direct assistance to the millions of women and men who are struggling physically and financially because of this disease, the lack of anything other than a boost to the corporate bottom line... is truly distasteful to me.

Not every corporation is guilty of slapping a pink ribbon and leaving it at that. And maybe I'm just cranky because its starting to feel overwhelming this month... but some of the ideas are just so disingenuous. A pear? Why not a biscuit or a cherry or heck... some tea? I'm being facetious but I'm sure that if I searched for any of these items, there will be an organization who is selling the false hope that something is being done... because they slapped a pink ribbon on it and wrote a check.

I won't tell anyone how to spend their money. And honestly, I do believe that seeing pink ribbons everywhere does help raise the awareness of the disease. But, I also think it gives people a false sense of involvement and understanding... breast cancer is a complicated disease that requires a complex range of treatment options. Buying a pear -- no matter how well intentioned the giver is -- will not make anything better.

I wanted to respond to the person who posted that they were looking for these miracle pears because they wanted to gift them to someone who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. And maybe I will go back and send her a private note. But, I feel badly telling someone who has good intentions that their gift idea is lame and probably a waste of money. If you want to buy pears... just buy some pears. They don't have to be wrapped in a box with pink ribbons in order to be effective or appreciated.

Its the thought that counts... not the pink ribbon.

A Full Day at the Clinic

It was seven hours at the clinic yesterday starting at 9:00. First off I saw the research nurse to sign the trial chemo consent form. We chatted for a while and then she gave me a requisition for blood work and heart tests. Come and talk to me when you have a break between appointments she said. Next I went for my CT scan. First thing, change into a gown, get an IV in and have a two liter contrast cocktail. 45 minutes later, I was laying down getting scanned. 20 minutes later I was back to my street clothes.

Next it was off to get my blood work done. They also needed a urine sample and did my Electrocardiogram (ECG/EKG). Now I had some time. I went back and found the research nurse. We found an empty room where she reviewed my test results and asked me some health questions including how I’ve been feeling, what medication I’m on, including vitamins and such. She took my blood pressure and asked if I had any questions. I asked if I should get a flu shot … she checked my white blood cell count and gave me the thumbs up.

After that I slipped over to the cafeteria and a bit of lunch. This was the first time I ate today because I had to fast for the CT scan. I had some time and decided to go to my Echocardiogram appointment early. I felt I had been waiting too long and was wondering why I wasn’t being called when all of a sudden it hit me; I should be in X-ray instead Nuclear Medicine. 

Fly over to X-ray … to … we were looking for you. Argg! I changed back into a gown and had my Echocardiogram. So now I am running behind schedule. Change back into my street clothes and run back over to Nuclear Medicine for my radioisotope bone scan injection. Fortunately, they used the IV line inserted earlier for the other yummy imaging stuff. She asked did you want to wait here for the stuff to circulate or leave and come back? I said I need to go over to Daycare and have my PICC line redressed. Then it was 45 minutes on the table for the bone scan. 

It’s now kissing four o’clock …. and I’m thinking that I definitely need a couple of aspirin when I get home. I’ll get all the test results this coming Wednesday.

Shout Out ~ Body, Mind, Spirit 2010: BC Conference

It’s a national conference for young women living with breast cancer on October 29 - 31, 2010 in Toronto.

The Canadian Breast Cancer Network and co-presenter Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation will bring together 400 young women with breast cancer to educate and inspire them in all aspects of their cancer journey. Participants can network with others who understand their situation, learn about the latest research from some of Canada’s leading medical professionals, and participate in themed workshops.

This year’s conference includes two gala dinners: “Rock Your Cancer” with Canadian rocker and breast cancer survivor Bif Naked, who will share experiences from her two-year battle with breast cancer; and “Breast Fest” where Rethink Breast Cancer will roll out the pink carpet to premiere the film “Jonna’s Body, Please Hold”. 

Other activities include author book signings, writing and creative arts sessions, a breast cancer art show, and an exhibitor showcase that will feature fashions, breast cancer resources and information from community support groups.

A special three-part series on BRCA will cover management options, fertility and psychosocial issues. More than 35 workshop topics include: “The Many Faces of Breast Cancer: Personalized Medicine”; “Taking Charge of Your Treatment for Women With Metastatic Breast Cancer”; “Breast Reconstruction: Knowing Your Options”; “Intimacy and Sexuality” (for couples and single ladies); “Babies After Breast Cancer”, and “Financial Health For Women on Long-Term Disability”. Plenary sessions will cover the topics of Healthy Living, Hope and Empowerment.

For conference schedule and online registration go to www.cbcn.ca. Note: there will be no onsite registration.

For more information contact: Jenn McNeil, Canadian Breast Cancer Network: 1-800-685-8820 ext. 224, or jmcneil@cbcn.ca.

Dating chronicles: Follow up to my rant

The other day, I did a radio interview to discuss the blog and my journey with breast cancer. It was so much fun. During the interview, I was asked about my dating life after breast cancer and I really had to stop and take a deep breath.

See, a little bit of time and space has helped my perspective and while I'm still disappointed that I'm not going to be dating the guy that I was interested in... I'm very much okay with it now. I laughed and talked about some of my more interesting dates but I didn't mention the ones that I had allowed myself to feel vulnerable with.  I didn't see the point. But I will explain why.

I talk a lot about my life here on the blog. And honestly, it amazes me that people actually want to read about my craziness and all of my emotional outbursts. I keep a lot of stuff inside and don't talk to anyone about certain things. One of those things is the really personal and deep feelings that I may have for someone I'm dating. I have been in love before. Many times actually. (and I know somewhere someone is shocked by that revelation) But its true. I am very passionate and emotional... so either I'm totally open to loving a man early on... or it likely will never happen and we remain great platonic friends. Rarely does someone cross from platonic friend to romantic interest. And even more rarely does someone cross back.

The thing about dating for me now is that I'm actually more likely to open myself up and be vulnerable than I was before my diagnosis. The reason for that is that in order to even get to know me right now requires that you have to be open to hearing about the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. And then to become intimately involved requires that I open myself up to scrutiny as I discuss and/or reveal my scars (both physical and emotional). Because I am building a life and a career around discussing my journey with breast cancer, I am becoming more comfortable with wearing my vulnerability and not being ashamed of it. For me, that is a big step and a big deal.

Dating after breast cancer "can" be a buzz-kill but I'm finding that most of that negative energy is emerging from between the ears of the one who fought the breast cancer battle. Not from the people who find them exciting, attractive and appealing. We (survivors) put a lot of pressure on ourselves because we are no longer "perfect". We think that someone else will be freaked out because well... we've been freaked out. And yes, there may be some guys who cannot handle your new boobies, your surgery scars, your radiation burns... but a lot of guys are going to find your strength and your courage so very sexy... so very enticing that you're going to wonder what in the world is going on.

I'm back to thinking positively about dating again. I'm pretty sure that as long as I remain laid back and easy going about it... I'll meet someone who makes me smile and makes me laugh... and who thinks that this cancer girl is hot and sexy.

That's all a girl like me needs some days. :)

Newspaper Interview and New Oncology Survey

When I agreed to help the Canadian Breast Cancer Network with their campaign to promote Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day, I also agreed to do any local requests for media interviews.

Yesterday I did my first phone interview with the Edmonton Sun. If you are from the Edmonton area I invite you to pick up a copy of today’s newspaper or here is the online version. Unfortunately there are a couple of misquotes but I hope I was able to get the main message across.

Secondly, I wanted to share some information with you. The Canadian Breast Cancer Network put out an online survey directed at medical oncologists across Canada. The survey was about the importance of progression-free survival and the government funding process for late stage cancer treatment. I've added  a couple of links below so you can read more about it.

For the news release … click here.

For the results of the study … click here

.

Support is critical for your healing

I spent most of the day today at a funeral for one of my cousins who passed away unexpectedly in her sleep a few days ago. Arlene's death was surprising and upsetting but it reminded me that support through tragic situations is something that we all need.

We all go through tough times and tragic situations. It may not always be something like breast cancer... but it could be losing your mother unexpectedly or losing your job. Something. And when that something hits, you have to dig deep into yourself and find the strength to carry on and keep it moving. But often, you may need a little bit of outside help and support to really get through the hard time.

Because I am an internet-girl... I will advise any breast cancer patient, care-giver or friend of a survivor... to use the internet to seek out other people who can relate to the intensity of the situation that you face. But if you're not an internet person, check with the social worker at your cancer center -- or the cancer center of a hospital near you if you're a care-giver looking for advice -- and they can direct you to resources that you can utilize to help to support you.

I am seriously going through some stuff on this side of the computer. To put it mildly, I'm hoping for some financial miracles and blessings. The bills are coming faster than the money and its looking really hard over here. But the beauty of my support system is that they always manage to do something smile-worthy when I least expect it. A beautiful care package was waiting for me when I got home from the funeral today. The perfect pick-me-up after a really long day and a very, very stressful week.

Build yourself a sturdy support system. Give back to them any and every chance that you get. Say thank you over and over again for their love and their affection and their prayers. And then pay it forward and be a support for someone else.

A few online support group resources to check out:

http://www.thewellnesscommunity.org/

http://www.cancercare.org/

http://www.menagainstbreastcancer.org/

http://www.cancer.org/

Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day

Today, October 13 is Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day. The whole point of designating a day to this is to bring more attention to the needs of those living with advanced breast cancer.

We need more support and information ... especially for those newly diagnosed who often feel isolated and alone. We need more information for all of us with MBC so that we can make the best treatment decisions for ourselves. And most importantly, we need more treatment options so we can live longer.

Here is a four minute video titled Faces of Metastatic Breast Cancer ...

A new way to emphasize my survivor status

I'm an 80's kid... I was coming into my own in the 80's and I have lots of fond memories of that time in my life. Back in the day... we took a lot of risks with our fashion and we carved our own niche that made us stand apart from our parents and other folks. We had our own style... and it included things like nameplate necklaces and earrings... two (or three) finger rings and so forth.

I had a name ring -- in fact, I think I still have it somewhere -- and I had the requisite bamboo earrings (at least two pair) but I never had a name necklace. Those things were expensive and I was very accident prone and highly likely to lose any piece of really expensive jewelry that I had.

I was surprised a few years ago, when I was watching Sex and the City and noticed that Carrie was rocking her 80's name necklace. It was adorable... and instantly made me think that I needed to get one. But with today's world being what it is, I felt a little leery about walking around with my name on my neck. Cute, sure. But appropriate for a woman my age? Um... not so sure about that. But I couldn't shake the desire for my own name necklace. I just pushed it to the back of my mind.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. I received an unexpected gift and decided that since I still had not celebrated my cancer-versary, I was going to do something just for me. So I did a little internet searching and decided that I wanted to order a name necklace for myself. But... with a twist. Instead of getting my name on a necklace... I got a title. And I couldn't be happier with my gift.

My cancer-versary gift to celebrate my second year of beating this disease was a name necklace with the word "Survivor". I haven't taken it off since it arrived. It makes me happy in a way that I don't think I can adequately explain to you. Its not super huge, or excessively gaudy... it just says what it says and nothing more.

It does exactly what I wanted it to do. Makes it plain to anyone who can read that I've been through something and I'm proud of my progress. One of my girlfriends suggested that I get some bamboo earrings with "Survivor" on them. Not sure about all that. But I have been considering a two finger ring.

What do you think?

Not So Tired Anymore

I’ve been recovering nicely from last week’s trip to Ottawa; I’m not so tired anymore. Yesterday was the first day I didn’t have an afternoon nap. Tho I have been working hard on trying to make sure I get a solid night’s sleep. One of the tricks I use to help ensure I sleep well through the night is a pair of ear plugs. They take a bit of getting used to but boy-o-boy do they work. For me they muffle out the sounds that tend to wake me up.

Also, I’m still taking one Benadyl at bedtime so I don’t wheeze and cough when I lay down to sleep. It helps me breathe easier and therefore I sleep more solidly. 

I think I still need a bit more R & R so I’m going to stay close to home for the remainder of the week. I have a big day at the cancer clinic on Friday … appointments scheduled from nine in the morning till three in the afternoon. All these tests are in anticipation of starting my new study drug.

Dating chronicles: It is official, I think that dating sucks

I had an entirely different post written... but I had to delete it because it was bitter and caustic and slightly mean. And I know that I wrote it that way because I'm emotional. So, I'm going to try to do this a different way.

I hate dating. I really hate dating post-breast cancer. There are a lot of really nice, very attractive men in the world. Really nice. Very attractive. And a lot of them are single. And out of that number... there have been plenty who have looked at your favorite breast cancer blogger and thought wow... she's pretty doggone hot! Okay... so maybe that wasn't what they were thinking... but that's what I think they were thinking. Because for a breast cancer chick... I'm one sexy babe.

Really. So, what's the problem you ask? The problem is that I am sick of dating. I'm sick of the getting to know you phase of life. I'm absolutely mortified of showing my new body, my new breasts to someone new... and I'm really tired of second-guessing whether or not I'm a good catch in a bad town... or a bad catch and should just let it go. The emotional baggage that circles my heart because I feel like I'm damaged goods... makes it difficult to get to know someone. And it makes me take everything that someone says to me... and analyze it to death.

What's sadder is that I am a really fun girl. I know this. I cultivated this personality over years and years of trying to get beyond my shy high school girl persona. I am a lot of fun, dammit. But I am more than that too. Its sort of a twisted problem. How can you be mad that people like spending time with you because you're fun? The same way you can miss your old saggy boobies that you had to replace with perky new ones because you had breast cancer. Its not logical but it is real.

To sum up why I'm hating dating right now -- its the same song that I've been singing for awhile now. It is difficult for me to find nice guys that I get along with, who make me smile and make me think... and who make different parts of my body tingle with just a word or a smile. Those guys are rare. But they are out there. And when I find one who does all that and then some... AND he thinks I'm cool and great and fabulous... I tend to want to spend time with that guy and get to know him well. And just maybe... maybe... go deeper than the shallow getting to know you stuff.

But when he tells you that he likes you... but not that much, you wince a little bit. Or when he says that you live too far away, or he doesn't like you enough to dig deeper... well, it stings. And then when you start to wonder what part breast cancer may or may not have played in this whole scene... it becomes a strange and sad feeling.

To be fair, I'm no saint and I'm far from innocent. Seriously. I've broken my fair share of hearts in this lifetime. Not by choice or design... but simply because it was bad timing or I didn't like someone as much as I felt they deserved. So... I get it. I really do. Everybody isn't for every one at every moment. Yes. I know that.

But it still stings when you like someone... and he doesn't like you back. Every time.

PS. For the record, I think he thinks I'm mad at him for being honest with me. I am not mad nor angry. Just disappointed. And mostly disappointed with myself because I should have been prepared for this sting... and yet, it caught me completely off guard.

That's the risk you have to take when you like someone... and when you're looking and hoping to find someone to love. No risk, no reward.

Talking Metastatic Breast Cancer

Here is a two and half minute video where Lori Baur shares her journey with metastatic breast cancer.

Write a letter to someone you love about cancer

A few days ago, I wrote a post that was a break-up letter to cancer.  (Dear Cancer...) I got the idea from a pink ribbon sister I met through my blog. She got the idea from a facebook page. And they got the idea (I think) from some other person's blog. All that to say, it was an idea that had been around for a time. And it was a good idea...

I've been thinking of ways to acknowledge the toll that cancer takes on the friends and family members of cancer patients/survivors. I decided that a letter campaign would be a good thing. If you know someone who is or has been struggling with cancer, consider writing a letter to them (whether they are deceased or alive) and letting them know how much their experience has touched you. Or if you are the one who has struggled with this disease, consider writing a letter to someone who impacted your life while you fought cancer.

Cancer affects so many people all around the world... and it can be an isolating experience for everyone involved. What would you say to your loved one with cancer? Why not write them a love letter and let them know how you feel?

It doesn't have to be long... but a heartfelt short note can change a lot. I think I will write a few letters... to my aunts who battled this disease, to my mom who stood by my side every day, to my ex-boyfriend who helped me in the beginning of this journey, to my best friends, my god-brother and the girls from DCSG... and to my grandmother who died from cancer when I was 9. Her journey has had a large impact on my journey.

Who will you write to?

So Exhausted from the Ottawa Trip

Pooped, tired, worn-out, drained, beat, bushed, dog-tired, fatigued … I think that pretty well describes how I’ve been feeling these past few days. My Ottawa trip plain old wore me out. I thought I’d be able to handle all I had to do over there a bit better but apparently not. For now, my days of gallivanting across the country are over.

I was so tired these past few days that I felt nauseous and head achy. Emotionally … I could cry at the drop of a hat. I was plain old beside myself. I even started checking my temperature thinking something might be wrong.

Today I’m feeling quite a bit better. Even my sleep schedule is back on track. I’ve been having afternoon naps to top things up. I actually pulled out my trusty Benadryl before bed the last couple of nights because I’m coughing and wheezing when I lay down to sleep. I think some of my fatigue is partly my system fighting off the fall allergies.

Long story short, I’m no longer feeling like such a schmata.

I want to go to Kenya... can you help?

Thanks to my insomnia, I'm often up very late at night... usually playing games on facebook or working on some writing. The other night, I was up late as usual on facebook when a young Kenyan woman started to chat with me. We have never met but she heard an internet radio interview that I did some months ago and started to follow my blog. I was flattered that she wanted to know anything about my challenges with breast cancer. After our conversation, I was stunned and moved.

This young woman, with internet access and a desire to learn about global issues... was distressed that the conversation about breast cancer was very limited in her country. She knew someone who died of breast cancer and the person never said a word about being sick, or having cancer. Her death was a surprise and a shock to her classmates and friends. During our brief conversation, she explained to me that in her country women (especially young women) do not discuss breast cancer as openly as we do here in the US. This young lady was under 30 and seemed quite alarmed that she simply did not know enough about the disease or prevention. She said to me... if I know very little, with all of the access that I have to the rest of the world, I worry about the other women and girls in my country who do not have the same connections. She told me that conversations about breast cancer were simply lacking. Since our conversation, I've pulled a few articles from the internet and the news is pretty startling. I will post the links to a few articles at the end of this post. I ask that you read them... and think about ways that you and I can make an impact on this nation.

She asked me if I would consider coming to her country to speak about my experience with breast cancer. I rarely turn down opportunities to speak. Even when the events don't pay, I still try my best to be there. (Though, between you and me, I could surely use the money from any and all paid engagements).  This young woman did not contact me as the representative of some large organization, she had no budget or even a schedule. She simply reached out to one person that she knew felt as passionately about the issue as she did.

I cannot ignore her request. Even though I have no connections, no ideas about how to go about getting to Kenya and finding audiences of interested women, I still want to try to get there. Between the two of us, we have no idea how I would get there or where I would start with speaking to the women of her country. But there was something about her plea that really struck a chord with me.

I want to go. I have never been to Africa but I would love the opportunity to reach out to my sisters and share what I have been through. Kenya faces a lot of challenges... and I don't know if my voice would make a huge difference. But I'm praying that maybe I can help in some small way.

My journey with breast cancer has been relatively smooth... I did not have many major issues with finances until the end of my treatment. And even those issues have been mild compared to some of the stories that I've heard over the past couple of years. I was connected to a wonderful oncology team at a cutting-edge hospital. I had a very dedicated oncologist who promised to do his best to save my life. And he did that. The opportunities for life after a diagnosis of breast cancer are so much slimmer in Kenya. Between the poverty of the people, the lack of medical resources, and the cultural taboos... it is a serious challenge to get women to speak up and to take charge of their health.

I read somewhere that the cost of a mammogram in Kenya could be $20. Seems cheap right? Until you get the perspective that some people earn $1.00 per day. One dollar. The issue is staggering in scope. I am one person. One sister who feels compelled to talk about her journey. But as the face of breast cancer changes -- from the face of an older (probably wealthy) white woman, to the face of a younger, poverty-stricken woman of color -- more voices are necessary.

Please read the articles that I have linked to below. They will open your eyes to the scope of the issue in our developing nations. It is estimated that by 2020, 70% of breast cancer cases will come from developing nations. That is a lot of women who may die because money, access and understanding just may not be available to them.

I want to go to Kenya. If you have any ideas, any connections... or just an encouraging word, please feel free to share.

Articles:
Breast Cancer Around the World

Battling breast cancer (Time magazine)

Controlling cancer in Kenya

Kenyans urged to go for breast screening

The changing face of breast cancer