When I first met Dr. S, I only knew what I had been told about him from another doctor and what I found from a google search. He exceeded my expectations. The physicians that I know personally (friends and family members) are wonderful, warm and easy to talk to. But I tend to think of them as the exception to the rule, rather than the standard. I expected Dr. S to be stiff and stuffy and to come across as arrogant and condescending. He was none of those things. And along the way, I developed a crush of sorts on him.
I don't mean that I thought of the man in a romantic way. But I felt very comforted by him. I never felt that he was trying to take advantage of me -- or of my health insurance. I always felt that he listened to me and that when I expressed fear or concern about something, he took it seriously. We had a great rapport. That said... I've missed him, and the other members of the oncology team during the past few months. They were my safety net and now they are gone. Its a little scary out here on my own.
I know that I will have to take a lot of tests and I will have to remember to tell him all the things that I have noticed about myself since my last visit. But what I really will be interested in knowing is how I measure up. Am I making good progress in my healing? I think so... but what will the numbers show? Is my fear of recurrence rational? Probably not... but its still there.
I know that comparing yourself to others is not a great way to go through life. There will always be someone prettier, smarter, taller/shorter, wealthier... something... than you are. Getting comfortable and excited about who you are is the goal. I know this and yet, I am still very concerned about how I will measure up next week.
I'll keep you posted about what I learn. Say a prayer and keep your fingers crossed that I never ever have to hear the words... "Ms. McLean, you have cancer" again.
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