My recent trip to the oncologist

I had my first 6-month check-up with my oncologist last week. I was nervous leading up to the appointment. I suspect that I will probably be nervous for awhile.

It was all in vain though. Everyone was a nice as I remembered. The new cancer center still looks lovely and peaceful -- a different vibe from the way it looked prior to the renovation. The patients still had various expressions of sadness, anger, disappointment -- something -- on their faces. I didn't see any patients I recognized but I didn't expect to.

Dr. S seemed a little cranky and out of sorts (which was surprising) but everything checked out fine. I'm guessing that my bloodwork checked out fine too because I haven't received any calls asking me to come back. So... for now I can breathe easy and not think too much about recurrence.

One funny moment -- Dr. S gave me a breast exam. And as he was examining my reconstructed breast I laughed and asked him whether or not it was likely that a lump would show up in that breast since its not actually breast tissue anymore. (I thought it was a funny question... Dr. S did not) He told me that while my new breast wasn't actually breast tissue, the tissue around it had to be checked because there wasn't any way that they could remove all of the breast tissue. (that was a downer moment)

All in all... things went well. It was a good visit. Seems like I'm still cancer free. And still on tamoxifen.

Life is good.

How do I measure up?

In a few days I will be seeing my oncologist for a follow-up appointment. I haven't seen Dr. S in about 6 months and I am actually excited. My oncologist is a very nice man... and he is exceptional at what he does. Making very sick people better.

When I first met Dr. S, I only knew what I had been told about him from another doctor and what I found from a google search. He exceeded my expectations. The physicians that I know personally (friends and family members) are wonderful, warm and easy to talk to. But I tend to think of them as the exception to the rule, rather than the standard. I expected Dr. S to be stiff and stuffy and to come across as arrogant and condescending. He was none of those things. And along the way, I developed a crush of sorts on him.

I don't mean that I thought of the man in a romantic way. But I felt very comforted by him. I never felt that he was trying to take advantage of me -- or of my health insurance. I always felt that he listened to me and that when I expressed fear or concern about something, he took it seriously. We had a great rapport. That said... I've missed him, and the other members of the oncology team during the past few months. They were my safety net and now they are gone. Its a little scary out here on my own.

I know that I will have to take a lot of tests and I will have to remember to tell him all the things that I have noticed about myself since my last visit. But what I really will be interested in knowing is how I measure up. Am I making good progress in my healing? I think so... but what will the numbers show? Is my fear of recurrence rational? Probably not... but its still there.

I know that comparing yourself to others is not a great way to go through life. There will always be someone prettier, smarter, taller/shorter, wealthier... something... than you are. Getting comfortable and excited about who you are is the goal. I know this and yet, I am still very concerned about how I will measure up next week.

I'll keep you posted about what I learn. Say a prayer and keep your fingers crossed that I never ever have to hear the words... "Ms. McLean, you have cancer" again.