Year in Review

This past year was a toughie. I continued my Taxotere treatments up until October. There were some very dark days and nights where I seriously considered stopping treatment all together. I was so serious about quitting; I even spoke with my psychologist about it. I just wanted to tell someone that this really sucked and I didn’t know if I was strong enough to continue. I was quite exhausted all the time and I used to sit most of the day and play on the computer and blog. Nothing else inspired me ... not even food. After that meeting I decided to just focus on completing one cycle at a time and that`s what I did.

In April, I spent a few days in the hospital due to my central line catheter infection. This was located on my right side of my chest. After the catheter was removed, I had a PICC line inserted to infuse the Taxotere. This caused a skin irritation... turns out I was allergic to chlorhexidine which is used to clean area.

In about June I noticed swelling in my right arm. It turned out to be lymphedema. Likely the infection from the catheter caused it. My right side is also my mastectomy side.

In October, a bone scan showed no evidence of disease in my bones; however a CT scan showed tumours on my liver had grown and there were more lesions. The Taxotere was no longer working and I needed to change chemotherapy to Xeloda pills. This meant the PICC line came out, it meant fewer trips to the clinic and best of all more gentle side effects. Even with liver issues, deep down I was thrilled because I was so sick of the side effects from the Taxotere and the steroids. I was just so glad to be changing treatments.

After a couple of months, I felt like getting out and doing a few more things but my body was stiff and sore from just sitting around for a year. I decided to enlist the help of a chiropractor who stretched out some of those muscles. This along with the active release therapy and the massaging the edema out of my legs has helped me so much to get around.

I am feeling more optimistic and alive. My body is recovering nicely ... I can now stand longer and walk further. It’s been quit the year. I’m really hoping improvements continue into 2010.

Back Home Safe And Sound

We arrived home safe and sound after being away for a week visiting family in the foothills of beautiful Southern Alberta. It’s so nice to just look out the dining room window and see the mountains ... pretty cool. The roads were great and the scenery magnificent.

As we were all setting in for the 4 hour trip back, Daisy our dog sat on my lap. Then it must have been time for a nap ... she buried her head and front legs into my down filled vest ... her head right up into my shoulder. How cute is that. I think that all the excitement from the past week really had her tired. That only lasted a short time as she got too hot and moved onto her blanket in the back seat. She sure does travel well.

Today we are just catching on mail and stuff.

Bonus Week Away From Xeloda

Normally I would be starting a new cycle of Xeloda but because of the holidays, the clinic pushed some of us back 7 days, so no Xeloda this week. That makes me a happy camper because I have an extra week to recover and get stronger. I notice my coughing is down a bit these last couple of days and my nose isn’t running like a tap anymore either. Everything is settling down nicely.

I’ve been extremely lucky too because D had a really bad cold just before Christmas. You should have seen me ... don’t touch this, don’t touch that and don’t even think about touching my laptop. Wash your hands I’d bark out at him. We have hand sanitizer jugs everywhere. I guess it all worked because D is over his cold and I’m symptom free. I’m oh so glad about that.

Enjoying the Moment

I started the day with an excellent sleep. Slept right through last night ... what a difference that makes. So today I feel like I’ve got energy to spare.

Yesterday afternoon, we went for a drive out in the country and 3 dear crossed the road right in front of us... so beautiful.

Other than that, we’re just relaxing and enjoying the moment.

Nap Happy

Just got up from an afternoon nap ... something I seem to have gotten in the habit of doing during this holiday season. I think it has something to do with all the good food and conversation we’ve all enjoyed. This really tires a girl out. The coffee is always on and oh so many desserts. Yummy!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas.

Celine Dion - Don't Save It All For Christmas Day

Mr Bean Christmas

Oh Holy Night - Celine Dion

Happy Holiday!

Yesterday I had coffee with C, from our Second Cup coffee group. We chatted for three hours ... wow. We hadn’t met in about 3 weeks so we needed extra time to catch up on things. Anyways, we got out of the coffee shop and everything looked so nice all covered in snow. Real Christmasy. We’ve had tons of the white stuff fall here lately which makes for very pretty scenery.

With Christmas in a couple of days, I’ll probably be posting videos only instead of blogging. I’m going to spend time enjoying family, the festive season and just relaxing.

Happy Holidays!

Funky Self-Exam Video

This is a funky seasonal video 3:30 mins, about monthly breast self-exams ...

A Bit More Coughing

The last couple of days I’ve really been focusing on having my legs up on cushions... above my heart ... for hours at a time ... and I can honestly say I notice my feet are less swollen. I can see most of the veins in my feet and that’s great. The only problem is that that I have a bit of crackling in my lungs and I’m coughing a bit more than usual.

Today I saw my chiropractor and I asked him if the fluid from my legs and feet was just moving to my lungs and he said it’s possible but not likely. He thinks the chemo is creating the havoc in my body and that is responsible for the extra coughing. I’ve noticed that my coughing goes up and down depending where I am in the cycle. So the Chiro said ... for today, we’ll skip the leg massage.

Anyways, today is the last day for this round of Xeloda and I have a two week break. I’m so looking fwd to be off that daily pill regimen for Christmas ...so I can just enjoy the holidays. My thoughts are with all those who are not so fortunate and will be struggling with chemo and its side effects thru this holiday season.

Do They Know It's Christmas Time

Chiropractor Appointment #4

Yesterday I had by fourth chiropractor appointment. He says things are moving along nicely and I agree. To strengthen my arms and hands, he wants me to start carrying around cans of soup around the house. That I can do.

I’ve been thinking about putting together some sort of exercise program but I’ve been waiting to start because I find I have sore muscles from just my increased everyday activities. As I walk more, my leg muscles are sorer ... the more I do my arm stretches, my arm muscles are sorer. It feels like I’ve gone to the gym the day before. I’m going to do all this slowly and carefully.

Other than that, I’m doing really well.

dating when your scarred from breast cancer

(sigh)

I just read a blog post that really disturbed me. In it, the blogger was writing about a guy who felt deceived by his date because she didn't disclose some issues with her body prior to the point where they decided to have sex.  In fairness to Moxie (Moxie in the City - The Crying Game post ) ... she was writing in reaction to another blog post where a guy decided to bitch and moan about how some woman he met on-line deceived and lied to him.  Here's his post: Master dater - Online dating nightmare post

After reading this guy's post and his comments... a few things stand out to me. One, he's a jerk. Not sure whether it is just an on-line/blog persona or his real deal but he's a jerk (if he's a friend of yours, my apologies but this is how I feel). Two, he's rather insensitive and seems to have an inflated sense of self. And finally three, he doesn't plan too well. Who drives 4 hours to see someone who is virtually a stranger and doesn't have a back-up plan or a hotel room? I digress...


(more after the jump... click the READ MORE link)


Although I didn't find his post necessarily enlightening or helpful to my life, I did have a grudging respect for his silence about the turn-off issue.  It was an inkling of respect, no doubt, but he didn't sink as low as he could have. Now, how he treated her leaves a lot to be desired but eh... dealing with jerks is part of the dating landscape.

But my offense wasn't with him, it was with Moxie's post. In her description, she threw women under the bus who have already gone through extreme situations with their bodies and who, are most likely to suffer from body image issues.

Yes, let's pick on the fat girls and the girls with breast cancer. Easy targets... low-lying fruit, right? Who wants them?

"Clothes come off. Then and only then do you notice something...off. No, she's not transgendered. But there's something up with her body. Maybe it's excess skin from gastric bypass surgery or, worse, scarring from a mastectomy or other kind of surgery. It's not something run of the mill like she was seriously more overweight than her profile, since you would have spotted that in her face when you first met her in person".

Seriously? This is what it comes down to?

I have scars from my mastectomy, radiation treatment and now reconstruction surgery... so honestly, I was offended. Deeply.

I'm trying not to totally bash this woman because of one post. She immediately posted a clarification message after my comment on her site. And I truly do believe that she didn't intend to be rude, she just made a poor choice of words (or maybe she wanted to be provacative and try to evoke responses to her blog -- it is how we live in this blog world, comments rule.)

At any rate, the comment "or worse, scarring from a mastectomy" made me wonder if she felt that way about a woman's body... how do men feel? Considering that breast cancer strikes women far more often than men... are guys understanding of what it means to lose a part of your body in an effort to save your own life? Or ... is it that at the end of the day we're all supposed to look like Victoria's Secret models and those of us who fail to do so are just short? Not worthy of dating or being naked with someone ever again. I hope not.

Dating is a difficult thing sometimes. You don't feel like opening yourself up to the scrutiny of strangers in the hope of finding love and a connection. But the desire to be loved and to experience the wonderful intimacy of a relationship (a good and healthy relationship) is strong and it drives us single folks to seek that companion to walk through life with. When its good, dating is so wonderful and heady and fun that you wonder how you could be so blessed. But when its bad... dating can be so heartwrenching and painful... causing you to over-scrutinize yourself and doubt everything you may believe about yourself and your worth. Its got to be bad to go on a date with someone you talked to for months, on-line and on the phone, only to have him arrive for your date and eventually decide that you simply were not good enough for him. How horrible.

The world isn't fair and sometimes people say or do insensitive things that may hurt your feelings. I know that. But I'm still annoyed at the lack of compassion when dealing with someone who may have gone through something traumatic and life-altering. I understand that we all make choices about what we choose to deal with in our lives, but is it too much to ask that we make those choices in a way that doesn't diminish someone else?

I'm no angel. I've been insensitive in my life and in my writings and I'm sure that I will again. I am human and I am flawed. I also know that I'm not alone in my flawed human nature... so what gives?

Here's the deal, none of us know how someone will react to seeing our body for the first time in the nude. Whether we bear scars from past surgery, more weight than our frame should hold or if we think we are perfect... until the moment when the clothes are off, you have to have faith that the person you've chosen to be intimate with will appreciate what you're sharing. Sexy begins between your ears...and it moves downward from there. Love begins in your heart and it spreads outward from there. If you limit yourself to just the image that you see when you look at a person, you're missing out on the real beauty.

I think that's what Moxie was driving at with her post. And I think that I need to work on my switch and my swagger. My sexiness is not diminished by this flawed body. Any guy who thinks that... doesn't deserve all that I have to offer.

Simple as that.

Sears Coffee Group Christmas Party

In 2001, a bunch of us ladies met at a Breast Cancer Support group. We’ve been meeting every two weeks for coffee for nine years. We call it the Sears group because we used to meet at the Sears cafeteria.

Last night we had our annual Christmas get-together at J’s home. All six of the ladies are breast cancer survivors and were there and of course Ari, our mascot, who was all decked out in his Christmas attire. He sure is a handsome fella ... don’t you think?

We all brought a little something for the meal but to be honest we all waited anxiously for the ‘piest de resistance’ which is Erm’s dessert. Each year she does an amazing dessert and this year was no exception. She made a Yule Log ... oh so delicious. After stuffing ourselves, we moved to the living room to open the gifts we exchanged. I gotta tell ya ... the girls sure are creative in their giving.

What a pleasure it is to be a part of this great group of gals.

Fat Calves

“Do these couch cushions make my calves look fat?”... I asked D the other day … long silence. I figure we may as well make fun of my fat calves. Yesterday and today, I’ve spent time with my legs elevated and resting on couch cushions and they look fat. It’s hard to say if keeping them up there is making a difference but I’m going to continue doing it and hopefully with time, this will help the fluid will drain out.

Last night I went out with some girl friends I used to work with. It is such a pleasure to go out with these gals and I really appreciate them taking the time to go out with me. I know how busy this time of year is when you are working. It didn’t take long for me to realize ... I was such a chatter box. I can be a bit of a talker and now that I’m feeling better ... that is coming out in me.

The restaurant is a great steak place which was right up my alley because due to my poor appetite I haven’t had steak in about a year but lately I’ve been thinking a lot about having one. So that worked out just great.

Chiropractor Appointment #3

I had my third appointment with my chiro. First thing I mentioned to him is that I thought I was losing the battle with the edema. He said all we can keep doing it the ‘right stuff’ and see where it goes. I told him D was massaging my calves and that he always heated my calves up with a heating pad before doing the massage. The chiropractor said that he preferred to massage the legs cold because heat brings more blood into the area and that isn’t a good thing when you are trying to force fluid out. Makes sense to me ... no more heating of the legs before massaging and one less thing to be concerned about.

As he was working on my calves ... he said, when you are massaging, you should think of it as pushing the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube. I’ll take that to the bank.

I asked him about support socks/hosiery and he didn’t think they would be helpful in my case ... no support hose for me and one less thing to be concerned about.

I usually lay on my stomach so that he can work on my back and legs. After my first treatment, I had to slide off of the table and then down to my knees on the floor and pull myself up with my arms. Well yesterday, I was much more limber and was able to manoeuvre off of the table and stand up. We both felt good about that one.

Xeloda – Cycle 3 Week 2

Starting to experience more of the side effects associated with Xeloda. My fingers tips are becoming a bit more sensitive, a bit shiny so they have some swelling and they are once again slightly darkened. In the first two weeks on Xeloda, the toxins seem to build up and then on the third week off, they dissipate.

This same drill applies to the edema in my feet and legs as the amount of fluid has also increased... even with my twice daily massages. It’s a little frustrating but I’m not giving up on the pampering.

I’m still looking for other solutions and I’m going to investigate support socks/hose. D brought couch cushions up from the down stairs and stacked them in a pile on the upstairs couch. So instead of sitting on the couch, I’m lying down and keep my feet elevated up on the cushions. Hopefully that will allow for more drainage.

In comparison to Taxotere, the Xeloda side effects seem piddly.

healing well... time to start thinking about the next surgery

Saw the doctor today and I'm healing quite well. It is a good thing that my recuperation is coming along well and with no complications or infections. I am fortunate that I don't have keloid skin and generally speaking, my skin rebounds well from trauma. So, the scarring across my belly is looking very good and is already looking like it will fade nicely. The scars around my breast aren't healing quite as quickly but still seem to be doing alright. The skin around my breast is more traumatized though from the radiation treatment. I think that it will be some time before that area looks "normal" but that's okay.

The surgeon mentioned that I would need to come back in 2-3 months to check my healing again but also to start the planning for the next phase of my reconstruction. To be honest, while it seems that plastic surgery isn't quite as horrible as I'd imagined, it isn't a cakewalk. And I'm not that certain that I want to keep nitpicking for perfection. My plastic surgeon seems to really enjoy what she does. She gets rather excited when its time to discuss procedures and such. I am not so amused by the prospect.

Right now, my new breast is what I call a "Barbie boob"... its round and nipple-less much like a Barbie doll. It isn't (to me) shaped exactly as I envisioned. I am still swollen and tender in the area above the breast and in the area on the side of the breast. But, its tolerable and fine to me. My surgeon mentioned that if the swelling above the breast didn't go down, then she could go back and do a little liposuction to flatten that area.

Blink. Blank stare.

(more after the jump... click on the READ MORE link)

Really now? Um... I don't know about that. I have seen other breast cancer survivors after reconstruction and they have holes/indentations in their chest area where the fat shifted (or whatever). As you can guess... it is NOT a good look. So... I don't know about liposuctioning anything out of my chest. (That just sounds disgusting to me)

Another way that I was reminded today that I'm really not a huge fan of plastic surgery was when my surgeon was examining me and she noticed what I've been calling "my pinches"... areas on each of my hips where the end of the surgical incision was stitched up and caused a "pinched" area. It looks a lot like a hem that has had the thread pulled too tight. But to me, while its not perfect, its tolerable.

Oh no... not to my plastic surgeon. She wants to go in and smooth that out. (gas face) Are you counting? We're up to two procedures now -- the recontouring of my breast and the smoothing out of my pinches.  That's just a lot going on to me. I mean, I understand her perspective I think. She can fix it, all I have to do is say the word. But to me, the question is -- is this necessary? And I don't know that smoothing out my pinches is really necessary.

Keep in mind that the real reason for the next procedure should be to reduce and to lift my remaining breast. I KNOW that procedure will be a doozy. She's got a lot of tissue to manipulate and to remove. I'm not particularly looking forward to losing my girl but I can admit that right now I'm a little lopsided and crazy looking. One breast is sitting up so high that when I lay down, my chin rests on it. The other breast hangs so low... if I'm not careful it will roll completely off my chest and hang down my arm. (laughs) Okay, I'm exaggerating a little bit -- but not much. If you look closely... its a bit of a mish-mash over here.

But my fear and concern about more surgery has begun to cloud my vision and with all those areas that could use some refining, when I look into the mirror, I'm fine with the reflection I see. Really fine. I can't forget the week immediately following the surgery in the hospital. The pain... the pain was really bad. The morphin drip was my friend for a few days.  And I'm in no hurry to go through that again.

However, if she's able to do the nipple work at the same time... I may consider going back under the knife in about 6 months or so. Right now, the memory of the surgery is still fresh like my scars and the pain is still a big portion of my existence. But in 6 months, who knows? I'll probably be chomping at the bit to get back in the hospital to tighten everything up and make it all look nice.

I had a dream the other night that I went to the beach and had on a bikini. (laughs) So... more surgery just may be in my future.

Brunch on a Cold Day

Yesterday we went out for a Sunday brunch smorg with our friends B and D. We got to the restaurant and were greeted by the host who said they were having heating issues. Half of the restaurant had no heat. Thank goodness the seating area was nice and warm but where the food was all laid out, was cold. The burners under the food still kept the food hot and everyone just made the best of it.

We had a great time chatting and eating. B and D follow my blog so they are aware of what`s going on but it`s always nice to get together to talk about things a bit more intimately. Both B and D have been so supportive of me. For example, I haven`t even written my final exam at college and B and D have already given me a graduation gift ... a pretty necklace and earrings and an angel pin with a funny Snoopy card saying I Did It! What great friends.

Mood swings as side effects... who woulda thunk it?

The other night I was up surfing the internet and I came across an article that connected mood swings and depression with Tamoxifen.  If you've been following the blog for awhile, you've probably noticed a lot of posts lately about my depression fears and my crying spells. It never occurred to me that any of this emotional stuff could be a side effect of my medication. I honestly thought that it was part of the baggage that comes with battling breast cancer. It is... but I think in my case, there's something more.

I've noticed that when I talk with other breast cancer patients and survivors... they seem to be more balanced than I am. Women who have battled cancer numerous times, have a smile on their face and a pep in their step that I simply do not have. That bothers me. Why aren't I more upbeat or at minimum more balanced about this ordeal? Why do I cry just about everytime someone says breast cancer out loud to me? In my head, I don't feel that I should cry...but for some reason, I do.


(more after the jump... click on the READ MORE link)


For example... yesterday I received an award for being a breast cancer "shero" and in all of my preparations for the acceptance speech, I didn't prepare for tears. Yet, when I got to the podium... I was a bucket of emotion and tears just kept streaming down my face. That wasn't my intention but (once again), it was what happened. Meanwhile, later in the day, several breast cancer survivors came up to me to talk and they all were so very composed, so very calm about their journey with breast cancer.

Why isn't that me? I had been told by many that time would make it better...but it doesn't seem to be working that way actually.

I've been telling myself (and others) that I'm just a cry-baby. But I will be calling my oncologist on Monday to discuss the possibilities of the Tamoxifen causing side effects that are playing with my emotions. When I think about all the ways that I'm not feeling quite myself... I see that there is a pattern that I have to address.

A few of the Tamoxifen side effects include:

• hot flashes
• low sex drive
• mood swings
• nausea
• headaches
• weight gain

Interestingly enough, a few days before I read the article linking depression and Tamoxifen, I read a few articles about the use of anti-depressants with Tamoxifen. To summarize... if I choose to take anti-depressants (assuming that I need them), I have to be quite careful which pills I take because some anti-depressants reduce the effectiveness of Tamoxifen. (geez!) Basically, I am dealing with occasional headaches, serious mood swings, weight gain, some nausea and hot flashes.

Compare those symptoms with some of the symptoms of depression:

• difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
• fatigue and decreased energy
• feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
• feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
• irritability, restlessness
• loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
• overeating or appetite loss
• persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
• persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
• thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

I have quite a few of these symptoms as well... so, now I'm concerned. Calm, not scared... but definitely concerned. I hope to know something in the next few days...if nothing more than either there's something to be concerned about or there's nothing to be concerned about. I will keep you posted about what I learn. The way that I shift from laughing to crying... and vice versa has begun to concern me. I may have noticed it sooner if I didn't spend so much time alone. But, a talk with the doctor(s) is definitely in order.

My insomnia has gotten so bad that I have to double my ambien dose just to sleep more than 20 minutes. And without it, I do not sleep. Period. Its a little unsettling. And the other symptom that is beginning to really concern me is my eating habits. I have gotten to a point where I often forget to eat. Like today. Its almost midnight, I haven't eaten a thing all day. As soon as I finish this post, I'm going to eat. But for someone who likes food as much as I do... not eating for an entire day -- for no reason -- just isn't normal. (I feel scrambled eggs and maybe a bagel in my immediate future) This all just tells me that even when you're out of the phase of "active" treatment for breast cancer, you have to remain focused and diligent about taking care of your entire self. I've been so focused on my physical healing and scars that I was diminishing the possibility of having emotional scars that needed attention as well. I won't continue to make that mistake.

My Legs Are Getting Stronger

Yesterday we went to Walmart to pick up a few things. D said you better take the Zuca bag with wheels and I said, “No I think I will try going without it.” I knew where the chairs were and so if I got too tired, I’d rest. Well would you believe it, we shopped for about 45 minutes and I didn’t sit down once. I had a shopping cart that I leaned on but you know I felt really good, even today.

I’m very excited to say that last night I stood and washed the dishes. This is quite an accomplishment because just a couple of weeks earlier I wouldn’t have been able to stand that long. Our new dishwasher has connection issues... therefore the washing by hand.

I’m still doing stretches on my calves and legs ... and D and I massage my calves morning and night trying to get the edema out. Things are progressing nicely.

Chemo Nails

I thought I’d give you an update on my Taxotere nails. I’ve included a picture of my nails today and you can see how my nails were back in June here.

They are definitely improving.

Chiropractor Appointment #2

Today I had my second visit with the Chiropractor. He said he was going to be a bit harder on me today. He dug in deeper and we stretched those sore achy muscles. I knew it might hurt a bit more now but in the end, I’d be much happier for it. He asked if I could recruit D into massaging the edema out of my calves ... just to get things moving a bit faster. I said ... no problemo.

Last night as I was lying in bed, I massaged my calves trying to move the edema out of my feet. I said to D, feel this calf ... it was hard as a rock. I said I’ll be asking the chiro to spend some extra time on that one. Thanks to the treatments, the other leg muscles were much softer and flexible.

I can honestly say I feel a difference in my body ... I’m feeling more flexible and I can walk with more ease.

Chiropractor Appointment

My oncologist said it would be OK to see a chiropractor to help loosen up some of my muscles. She also said that even tho there is no evidence of cancer in my bones, I shouldn’t have any bone manipulation. That’s ok because I only want to see him for the active release techniques that he does.

So when the chiropractor first came in, I said to him, “I’m a bit of a mess and need your help.” We talked a bit about my history with cancer and that I was looking for help with tightness in my calves and feet and in my chest area. So after examining me, he said, “I have very strong computing muscles.” ... imagine that! Then he had me lay down on my stomach and hooked me up to this machine that vibrated my muscles in two key areas ... my calves and just behind my shoulders. That ran for about 10 minutes and was quite stimulating. After that, he stretched some muscles in these areas.

He then suggested I try at home to massage the edema out of my calves. I am to put my fingers around my ankles and massage upwards. I told him about the stretches I recently started doing and he said that they were perfect. He gave me two other simple exercises to do as well.

At the end of the session, he said I could be doing most of this at home and I said to him ... “I know but sometimes I just need a bit of support to get going.” He said, “Don’t we all?” I like this guy.

The art of massage and the beauty of shea butter

It is slowly dawning on me that pampering myself has to move from the "occasional" column to the "everyday" column in my list of life activities. Things that I used to consider as pleasures to indulge in every now and then -- or, even better, "when the time/money/mood is right" -- are now an important part of my recipe for healing.

One thing that I'm trying to absorb is to stop fighting against the slowing down process. Which is funny because anyone who knows me knows that I don't move fast... at all. Yet, I guess not moving fast doesn't equal not thinking fast. And I definitely do that... think fast, think long, and over-analyze. Everything. But like I said, I'm working on understanding the beauty of slowing down. Slowing way down.

For example, before cancer, taking a long soaking bath was a luxury of time and indulgence that I didn't engage in too often. Usually, in a rush to do something or go somewhere a long shower would often suffice as my me-time bath indulgence. Now... taking a soak is something my body craves several times a week. Its time that I could spend doing other things... but, why? When I was in chemotherapy, soaking in an epsom salt bath helped to draw out some of the toxins in my body and also provided relief to my aching muscles and joints. When I was in radiation therapy, it helped me ease into sleep and provided much needed moisture into my skin. Now... it does all of that and more. I think I get something from the actual soak and also from the time alone away from technology, away from the puppy... its time where I can pray and talk to God, read a book or just cry if something is bothering me. Its valuable me-time... AND it helps me heal. Win-win.

I've never had a professional massage in my life. I plan to change that pretty soon. However, in the meantime, I have learned to lightly massage myself as I apply the various creams and lotions to my skin to help with my scars. I apply cocoa butter and vitamin E oil to my skin every day -- sometimes twice a day -- and I rub/massage the scars lightly as I apply them. I plan to switch from the Palmer's cocoa butter (I think it has too many "additives") as soon as the organic, unrefined shea butter I ordered arrives.

Shea butter is actually believed to be better for healing scars and better for your skin than cocoa butter. Although I ordered my shea butter on-line, I have learned that finding organic, unrefined shea butter is not that difficult. If you find yourself in need of some, look for an African market in your community... they are known to carry them. Also, if you're really fortunate, you may find it at an organic market or even an open-air flea market as well.

The thing about shea butter... well, honestly about all products that you put on your skin... is that you have to do your research and you have to read the ingredient list. Your skin is the largest organ on your body, so whatever you put on your skin, you're putting in your body. Just as you have you be careful about what you eat, you have to also be aware of what you're putting on your skin. Less is better, I think. A lot of the additives that are in our lotions and creams are linked to toxins that are not good for you. At this point in the journey, I'm trying to reduce risks everywhere that I can so its organic and unrefined shea butter for me.

Highly refined shea butter is processed with chemicals in order to increase the yield. This process also manages to strip the shea butter of some of its healing properties. You have to be aware and do your homework. The information is out there. Although a year ago, I didn't think that I would get on the organic, all-natural band wagon... I'm starting to realize that the extra cost and additional time that it takes to find and purchase these natural products only benefits me in the long run. And more importantly, I am worth it.

Right now, I have scars zipping all around my body... across my lower belly, and around my new breast. I also have the scar where my port was implanted (which will probably be made worse once its removed) and all the little knicks on my arms from the multiple IV's that I've had from my hospital visits in the past year. Once upon a time, my skin was smooth and practically blemish-free... I plan to get back to that same smooth creaminess again.

Pink Glove Dance Video

Jury Duty

Yesterday I received a juror summons in the mail. I’m going to request to be excused because I’m on active cancer treatment. I just don’t think my mind or body has the stamina to serve on a jury. Would you believe the only other time I was summoned was in 2001 and guess what ... I was on active treatment for cancer then too. I would love to experience being a juror and deciding a case but it looks like luck is against me once again.

Some of my favourite shows have been Judge Judy, Joe Brown, Wapner and all the other judges on People’s Court. I’ve been watching these in the anticipation that one day I could put all that training to use ... like being on a jury ... Not!

Blood Work and Oncologist

My visit with the onc went really well today. Results from the blood work shows that my liver is stable. I showed her my fingers and she didn’t seem too concerned with them. She was more concerned with diarrhea ... whether or not I had experienced any. I said I only had it one day in the last cycle and I figure it was from a potato salad I had ... actually the cream in the potato salad. I’ve since cut out all dairy products and I have not experienced any problems. I told her that my energy level is increasing every day. She said that is a really good sign.

My next cycle will start in four weeks instead of three because of the way the stat holidays fall during Christmas. The doctor also mentioned that I will be booked for a CT scan after the fourth cycle to see how well the Xeloda is working ... so that should be somewhere at the end of January.

All in all, it looks like I am ending the year on a real positive note.

EXTRA! EXTRA! Sexy, sassy and single breast cancer survivor ready to date again

If I had a newspaper (and the nerve), I'd write a sassy article about myself and use this headline to grab attention. Luckily, I have neither. But, once again, I have started to make moves toward getting back into the dating groove again.

 

I made a forward step a couple of weeks ago and joined an on-line dating site. WRONG move! Well... not exactly. But it was a bad choice in dating sites for me. I only chatted with a couple of people but they were... well, freaks. (laughs) And not in a good way.

 

After sulking for a few days after experiencing some of the most ridiculous conversations I've ever had in my life, I realized something. I'm making progress. Its little tiny steps... but its progress none the less. For awhile I thought that I was going to have to resign myself to being single for the rest of my life. But, for some reason I feel differently today. (Might be because I deleted my profile and hopefully severed any chance of any of those freaks finding me ever again)

I spent a few days searching for stories of love, marriage and/or weddings that happened after a diagnosis of breast cancer, or after treatment for breast cancer. I found a few, but not very many. I was disheartened for a few days but then I realized that I would just have to write my own story about how I found love after I beat breast cancer. That sounds pretty good, right?

A few things I will keep in mind as I go forward... 

•  Dating is supposed to be fun... let it be fun;
• Your sexiness is between your ears, not confined to your chest;
• You don't have to disclose your medical history until you're ready and comfortable -- no need to blurt it out as soon as you start talking to someone (I have to work on this);
• If it doesn't fit, don't force it -- some guys just won't like you or be attracted to you and it will have nothing to do with breast cancer;
• If it does fit, go with the flow -- some men will find you witty, and charming and beautiful and sexy... LET THEM;
• You've survived something very traumatic and life-changing, be confident that God will continue to bless you in immeasurable ways -- including love;

and finally...

• It only takes one -- each bad date, bad connection is one less person you have to wonder about. You're only looking to fall for one really amazing guy... let the losers fall off your back and keep strutting.

I don't really know where all this confidence is coming from but I like it. I will keep you updated on my dating journey... To be fair and honest, I have met some really wonderful, attractive and interesting men this year. Really interesting... (laughs) but I'm still single, so I'm still open to dating.

The truth is that I'm still here for a reason. I don't know what it is, but I'm pretty sure its not so that I can be a miserable, lonely, sourpuss... watching other people live the life I want.

...and the real fun begins!

Sensitive Fingers

I had this picture taken of my hands over a week ago. You can see the tips of the fingers are a bit darkened, as though I’d been working in the garden. They are also a bit dry looking and have become sensitive to pressure, heat and cold. The fingers themselves feel numb; they feel tight and a bit stiff too. The ends of my fingers kind of feel like I have a layer of on wax them.

This past Friday, I was munching on a bowl of cut fruit and when I went to pick a grape with my fork. I felt the real pressure of the fork on my fingers. It’s hard to describe it except that when I pressed down on the fork, if felt so tender and sore. Today when I was making breakfast, the handle of the frying pan felt hotter than normal and I had to use a pot holder... something I normally wouldn’t have. When opening the flip top lid on the ketchup bottle, my fingers tips sure felt tender.

On the prowl for ways to diminish my scars

Shea butter! Cocoa butter! Vitamin E oil!!

My surgeon advised me to start using cocoa butter to massage into my surgical scars to help with the healing. I am thrilled that I actually have at home something that I need to help me with this process. I have some Palmer's cocoa butter and some vitamin e oil -- but that's just to get me started. I'm concerned that the Palmer's brand has too many additives to the cocoa butter. However, it is my understanding that shea butter is actually better for your skin and works better than cocoa butter to reduce scars. So, that's what I'm on the hunt for. (Though... I like the smell of cocoa butter better than shea)

I've been searching for pure shea butter and cocoa butter to use on my skin. And it seems that there is a whole world out there that I was previously unaware of -- folks who mix their own body butters and lotions and such things. Who knew? At any rate... I'm not really trying to get that deep into the mixology of it all... but I am going to purchase some unrefined shea butter and some cocoa butter -- as opposed to using the stuff I currently have from the Body Shop (lots of chemicals in that stuff) and the Palmer's cocoa butter. I want to give my body a real chance to heal itself and get a good glow going.

Only 6 months until summer!! Woohoo... I've got work to do before then.


Websites to find natural shea butter and cocoa butters (or recipes to whip up your own body butter):

From Nature With Love

Au Naturale by Miss Sixx

Subtle Essence


Do you know of any other sites where I could find natural products for my skin? Please leave a comment. Thanks!!

Still fatigued after the surgery

I am healing very well after my TRAM flap surgery. My plastic surgeon is quite pleased. However, I have to admit that I am really quite tired. My energy level has not returned and according to my doctor, it may be weeks before I'm feeling like myself. I'm beginning to wonder if that is even possible. (laughs)

I did receive the green light to return to work in a week -- though I believe she was reluctant to do so. But since I'm healing so well and looking pretty wonderful (her words but I agree) she agreed that I can return to work.

I'm beginning to feel like a prisoner again...which is why I asked to be released for work. And its this feeling that has me really wondering about the future surgical procedures I have to look forward to. We discussed briefly the procedure to reduce and lift my other breast and my nipple reconstruction as well. (First, let me say.. yuck. The conversation was not fun...but I digress.)  I am a little tired of being out of work for weeks at a time. It sounds nice in theory but really, I feel like a hostage or a prisoner. I'm too weak to go out, or travel and take advantage of the downtime. But my body requires the time to heal and needs the rest to make things better. I just don't know how to find a balance.

If I can make it 6 to 9 months (or longer) before I have to have another surgical procedure, I think I will be pleased. But... since it may not be possible (I don't know what God has in store for me actually) I will just hope that the next time I will be just as responsive in my healing as I have been this time.

Crazy Sexy Cancer Video

Quest for Hand Cream

I received a hand cream sample called ‘Udder Cream’ in my Xeloda kit. I found it to be really the best stuff I’ve tried, ever. The only problem is finding more before it runs out.

Xeloda really does a drying number on my hands, feet and legs. It’s recommended they stay well moisturized to stop my skin from becoming dry and flaky. Also to stop cracks, peeling and sores developing.

Well, after scoring zero after five trips looking for the stuff, I was ready to give up. The stock boy at one store said they discontinued the product and took it off the shelves two days ago. I decided to give Wal-Mart a shot. Hero... I found the Udder Cream. It has just a bit of a scent, not anything heavy, which I can handle right now.

I’m so udderly happy. Here is their website ... http://www.uddercream.com/

Getting Some of the Old Me Back

It’s been about six and a half weeks since my last cycle with Taxotere and I’m showing more signs of improvement just about every day. For example, I can walk up the stairs in one shot after a shower instead of resting at the base of the stairs; I can stand and brush my teeth ... instead of sitting on the side of the tub. When driving, I can turn the steering wheel ... no problem. My jaw doesn’t feel weak when I bite down on food and I’m slowly getting my taste buds back so things like fruit and raw veggies are becoming yummy again.

Yesterday, after the Breast Cancer Support Group coffee instead of going straight to my car, I stopped to look at some stuff in the mall ... it was just a few minutes but still that is something I’m so proud of. I’m really excited to be getting some of the old me back ... and just in time for Christmas. I couldn’t ask for a better gift.

Famous Breast Cancer Survivors Video

Genetic test results are in...

I saw the geneticist today to get my results from the test for the BRCA1 and BRCA2 gene. Because my mood has been so shady, today's appointment was the second one -- I skipped the first one last week and I nearly skipped this one. Fear of financial retribution from my insurance company (meaning, I was worried that they would charge me a fee for continuing to miss appointments) was the ultimate motivator to go to the hospital.

My plastic surgeon was very adamant about me getting the testing done because she was concerned (I think) that I wasn't really gung-ho about removing my other breast. With positive test results, my entire course of treatment would have shifted a bit -- including a very strong suggestion to proactively remove my second breast as a matter of caution.

Well, the results show that I am not a carrier of either of the known breast cancer genes. Like most of the women and men in the world struggling with breast cancer... I have no hereditary link to my cancer. Based on the previous consultation with the geneticist, it was more likely than not that I would not have it. I am relieved to be honest.

Having the breast cancer gene makes you a candidate for either breast cancer or ovarian cancer -- and often both cancers. As a matter of treatment, carriers of these genes are sometimes advised to remove their breasts and/or their ovaries in order to defeat the cancer before it strikes.

What defines me as a woman

This past year has taught me many things. One of which is that I cannot be defined by my body parts. Even though I've known for many years that I'm more than what I look like, it is still an adjustment to consider that there are pieces of your body that are wrong and need treatment and/or removal in order to preserve the whole. So, when I say that I am truly relieved that I do not have to face the option of removing any more parts ... at least not based on these test results... I am TRULY relieved. I trusted my gut instinct that (for me) it was an unnecessary step...and the test results proved me to be right in my decision.

In a way, I envy those women who are so confident in their decision to remove their breasts and keep moving forward. Prior to breast cancer, I had not realized just how much my "fabulous boobies" made me feel like me. They are not perfect, they are not all that perky (well, one is now), they have their own set of issues but all of that imperfection makes them mine. I am grateful to have them, reconstructed and all.

Shopping For Groceries

Yesterday D and I went grocery shopping which is quite an event because D has been doing it solo for a few months now. I just don’t have the energy to walk around. The reason yesterday was different is that as the days go by, I’m feeling a bit stronger and want to get and do stuff. This grocery store we went to has a bench at the entrance and seating at the pharmacy half way down. I walked around with D for a bit and then sat down. Once he got too far away, I walked to and from the cosmetic counter. There was some Bling over there that keep catching my eye and inviting me back. Anyways, I didn’t feel the exhaustion I usually do ... so I am thrilled. The old me is slowly but surely coming back.

I’m really excited about this new found energy. Now when I see things in stores, they appear brighter and more exciting than they did a few months ago. I don’t know how to properly describe it but when I was on Taxotere, everything appeared dull but now things are starting to sparkle again.

Volunteer Ideas, Vol 2

No. 2:
HEET:
Home Energy Efficiency Team

Want to show off your handy man/woman skills or learn some new ones? "HEET organizes free weatherization parties to teach volunteers hands-on how to lower their energy bills and carbon emissions. We consult with energy experts to pass on accurate information. We build community, create social marketing for energy efficiency and help facilitate exchanges of ideas."

The nuts and bolts: You get to help others AND help yourself. I was the caulking queen (immature jokes aside) at Cambridgeport School. I went home and fixed my own windows, felt warmer and saved myself some green while being green. What's not to love about that?

Location: A home, school, community meeting place, etc somewhere in the Boston area.
Commitment: Usually a half day; sign up as they come up.
Training: None necessary. Bring your skills and/or can do attitude.
Duties: Varies from painting to caulking to replacing windows to whatever you're willing to try!
Contact: heet.cambridge@gmail.com or visit heetma.com

Fighting depression

I suppose I'm beginning to sound like a broken record (yeah, that's a shout-out to the old folks reading this blog -- RECORDS -- remember those?). I'm terrified of depression creeping up around me.

Since the surgery, I've been in a frenzy of tears and sadness. I'm sleeping too much -- when I should be awake -- and awake at night, when I should be asleep. Its freaking me out because I feel like I'm shrinking away from myself. I'm over-thinking every step I've made on this journey and wondering if I did the right thing, made the right choices... am I going to be alright in the long run? I think about death far too much...and not in a proactive, let's prepare for the worst kind of way. But I think about it in a "what if I wasn't here" sort of way.

I know that those kind of thoughts aren't good. However, since I have dealt with depression in the past, I work on putting those thoughts out of my head and I focus my attention in other areas. So know that each and everyday, I am thanking God for your presence in my life as I count my blessings and work to relieve my mind of some of the emotional stress and turmoil that this cancer has brought to my world.

Studies have been done that show that after the active treatment for breast cancer has concluded, many women continue to struggle with their emotional health and wellness. Post-traumatic stress disorder and  depression (from mild to severe) can strike from day one when the diagnosis is delivered. Due to the nature of this disease, the focus of your active treatment includes all variations of eradicating the cancer cells but very little is usually addressed to your emotional health. I think that's a shame. Judging from the way that I'm feeling these days... I can honestly say that it should be a requirement that a mental health professional be consulted at least once or twice during the course of treatment.

Never thought I'd advocate for more doctor visits, but in this case I see a real need for it. Millions of women are living with bodies that are disfigured, self-esteem that has plummetted and sometimes a diminished outlook on life.

I feel crazy!

And not in a good way. I know that I'm not alone because a quick trip through some of the on-line forums on some of the breast cancer sites shows that lots of women are really struggling with body image issues, depression, fear, anxiety, and so on. A really big stressor for many women is balancing work, family and financial issues. Far too many of us are struggling to be all that we were before cancer and are frightened to our core of not being able to keep up. That is a real issue for me. I'm not sure how to find the solution, but I'm trying to figure it out.

One of the nurses at the hospital during my stay, was a breast cancer survivor. We chatted a few times and she eventually shared with me that she had opted to have both of her breasts removed and reconstructed with implants. She was a mother of 4 and was the sole income for her family. She shared that her implants were leaking and she needed to have them replaced. However, since she was the sole income for her family, she couldn't afford to take the time off from work in order to take care of her health.

Did I mention that she was a nurse?

I was mortified and scared... and a little relieved because I realized during that conversation that all of us -- patients, survivors, care-givers & supporters -- are walking a really thin line between living fully and shrinking a bit from the scary edges of life. I was relieved to know that I wasn't alone in my worries and my fears. But I was saddened because I realized that this lady was risking her health -- after taking the drastic step of removing her breast in case cancer came back -- because the fear of losing her income or her job was greater than the fear of whatever health repercussions a leaking implant would cause.

Somehow, when the dust settles and my mind is back to clarity... I'm going to figure out a way to help all of these women like myself, who are struggling under the weight of this disease and its financial burdens. I've been thinking and thinking of ways that it can be done -- primarily because I want some relief myself right now. But I know that if I need help, then there are thousands if not hundreds of thousands of other women out there who need financial assistance as well. There has to be a solution. Its just a matter of finding it.

Depression is not my fate. Poverty is not my fate. Low self-esteem, again, not my fate. These negative things are not my destiny. (sigh) I will keep fighting to smile, to be happy, to be joyous, to feel fulfilled in my life. Right now, its an uphill battle. But from what I've read... if I keep the faith, things will turn around.

Yummy Polski Ogorki

Yesterday I craved pickles. I’ve been turned off those babies since I started chemo over a year ago but yesterday was the day. I pulled out a fresh jar and D and I struggled to get it open but once opened, I estimate I had at least five pickles and not the itsy bitsy ones either. They don’t have calories but they do have salt and maybe that’s why I like them so much. Anyways, they were yummy, crunchy and delectable. I think I am good for a day or two now.

This morning I woke up extra early for some reason so I got up had my toast and Xeloda pills. I felt extremely tired and went back to bed for a three hour nap. I feel pretty good now.

It was a quiet weekend so I think that is all for now.

Feeling the financial crunch of being ill

I'm still at home recuperating from my major surgery the other week. It is so amazing that I went through 12 and half hours of surgery where pieces of my body where removed and then placed in other places....and then all of the blood vessels were micro-surgically stitched back together. It is AMAZING to know that I made it through all of that. I am in awe of the skills of my surgical team. Even though I was a bit of a problem patient for them I think -- not from a health issue but I wasn't emotionally connected and I wasn't reall hyped about the whole event. And that funky attitude really made a different in how I responded to the requests to do things while I was in the hospital.

But eventually I got my head n the game and did what I needed to do to get out of that hospital and back into my own home. Since being home, I have done some of the things I'm supposed to do. I do get my rest. I am not getting my walking which, starting tomorrow will change. I do try to eat and drink -- but I know I'm falling short on that too. My appetite is still pretty weak.

In an ideal world, I'd love to go and have dinner at one of my favorite restaurants in town, maybe have some drinks or coffee with friends and just laugh and enjoy myself. But, I can't see it happening right now. The bills of my life seem to come whether I have money to pay them or not. So, I have to stretch my money to cover this and that... and hope that there will be enough to pay for other things.

I want to do things like travel, buy a car, maybe buy a condo...but I am not sure how to work that plan based upon what I'm earning right now and what I have in the bank. Next year presents me with issues of more surgical procedures -- mostly out patient procedures, except for one. Each surgery means downtime and some additional costs that I'm not sure how I will pay. But I will pay.

The costs of being ill are high. Beyond the medical bills from the hospital, the doctors and the prescriptions. There's the additional costs of travelling to/from the doctors & hospitals, the costs of the medical tools and supplements that are needed -- like gauze, sponges, bandages, etc.

My appetite is really low... so low that I think I will be going back to drinking Ensure to make sure that I am getting enough nutrients and protein necessary for my healing. But that's again, an additional cost. And so forth.

I am dreaming of the day I can go back to work. I'm hoping that its very soon but I don't know when it will be exactly. When I go back to work, I will need more things to help me with that transition as well. Clothes, under garments that fit properly with support but without chafing, or rubbing. I have no idea where to find what I think I need.

I also have to be fitted for a compression sleeve for my arm to control my lymphedema. It was doing really well when I got home from the hospital but it seems to be puffing up again and I have to also find a physical therapist who can help me deal with this.

I will be searching for a budget program that will help me to figure out how I can stay on top of all these bills and expenses. I am confident that there is an answer out there. As soon as I find it, I will share it with you. If you know of anything that may help, please let me know.

...and help me find a way to let my family know that I'm not a Scrooge but gifts are going to be really minimal this year. The love is there, the money is not.

Website...Cancer View Canada

I’ve had a couple people send me the link to Cancer View Canada and I thought I’d share it with everyone. The website’s goal is to connect people to services, resources and information regarding to cancer. It includes information on prevention, screening, treatment and support.

Over the months I’ve found the whole site to be a good read. One thing I really like is that I can have clinical trials info on breast cancer ... in my area ... emailed to me. And that’s just great.

There is a lot to look at so stop by and have a peak...

http://www.cancerview.ca/

My First Public Wheelchair Ride

Yesterday we decided to hit Costco ... D phoned ahead to confirm they had wheel chairs, there’s no way I’d be strong enough to walk all those aisles. I’ve been very apprehensive of being pushed around in a wheel chair, never mind being seen in one. But you know what ... it’s like most things in life ... fear of the unknown ... because the trip ended up being pretty good. I sat in the chair and D pushed me up and down every aisle, we stopped and looked at this and that. It wasn’t a big deal.

I must say D needs some pointers on wheelchair chauffeuring because he’d stop and look at an item and say something like, “have a look at this” and I’d be ahead of him so I’d have to twist my neck to see what he was looking at. I didn’t have the heart to tell him he needed to pull me back to see what he was talking about. I just figured I get some extra neck stretches in for the day.

Costco is an amazing place with a lot of good deals but after seeing the huge line-ups to pay, we ended up leaving without buying a thing. We’ll try again another day.

Stretch and Exercise

Since I started my foot exercises this week I decided to start doing stretches as well. I’ve been stretching my arms and legs and it’s paying off because today I was able to have a look at the bottoms of my feet. I haven’t done that for months and months. This has all become possible because I’m off that horrible Taxotere. My last cycle ended five and half weeks ago and my body is starting recover.

My posture has become atrocious. To correct that, I’ve started sitting in a proper dining room chair while watching TV instead of the cushy living room furniture. I’ve also been pulling my shoulders back when sitting and walking.

My body is starting to release some of the fluid it was hanging on to. My moon shaped face is slowly disappearing. Yesterday, I pulled my belt one notch tighter ... so my chemo belly is going down and I’m back in some of my regular shoes. I’ve really been focusing on having protein at every meal and I think it helps with reducing water retention.

I’m so much more self-motivated now than when I was on Taxotere.

CDC ..Update For Cancer Patients

From the CDC website...

To help prepare you for the flu this season, CDC answers some of your most important questions about special considerations for cancer patients and survivors for seasonal flu and 2009 H1N1 flu.

Here is their link http://www.cdc.gov/cancer/flu/#1

Exercises and School

Yesterday I put together and started my exercise program for my feet. After doing some of the stretching exercise, I realise that my calves are extremely tight ... likely from the lack of activity on my part for the last eight to ten months. The exercises include ... picking up a tea towel with my toes and rolling my foot over a frozen water bottle. These two seem to benefit me the most when I do them in the morning.

As well as stretching my calves and feet, I’ve also been doing stretching exercises for my arms. Can I tell you ... I am so out of shape. I walk like someone who is 105 years old ... but I’m going to stretch all those weary muscles out and get in better shape. I only hope that Xeloda works because so far it is a very manageable chemotherapy.

Last night in class, we were working in small groups. One of the girls coughed and another said,”Bless you.” Then she said, “Oh bless you is for a sneeze ... what do we say for a cough?” I said, “Hope you don’t give me swine flu.” We all had a good chuckle. Now... there are only three classes left before I graduate.