Dating post-cancer stinks, but my friends make it better

Newsflash:  Dating stinks.

I swear, some days it feels like I've been on this single-go-round for 100 years. It is ridiculous. 2011 was supposed to be my year of trying new things, expanding my dating horizons and being open to finding love no matter where or how it showed up.

*gas face*

So, with that mindset I have accepted dates with guys that I wasn't necessarily very attracted to initially, but who seemed like decent people. And to be fair and honest, I've met some interesting and relatively nice people this year. But, no love connections. The other day I had yet another missed opportunity/messed up connection with someone and the weight of the disappointment just made me so tired. I mean, I literally just got weak. My knees buckled a little bit and I just went to my room and got in the bed. Normally, my reaction would be to get really angry or very sad. To walk outside and scream to heaven... something like that. But, none of that happened. This time, when the disappointment hit... I just felt weak. 

(confession: I did get angry the next day)

A couple of months ago, I had a really very interesting and inspiring conversation with a male friend. He is someone that I went out with for a short time some years ago, but we didn't quite work. Years later, thanks to Facebook, we settled into an interesting friendship. This particular friend is now a newlywed and I have never seen or heard him so happy in all of the years that I've known him. *People in love are just too doggone cute and their excitement is infectious*  I don't remember what prompted our conversation but he proceeded to tell me the story of how he met his wife and about their romance. It was a very touching story. While he was talking about them... I felt like he was reading my mind. Long story short, he and his wife met on a blind date. And neither of them really wanted to go on the date. But it turned out to be the best thing they ever did. A year later, they were married.

Now, had I seen this story on Lifetime or the Hallmark channel... I probably would have yawned and flipped the station. But because I knew how cynical this man had become with dating and I know how hard it is in this city to connect with good people... I was really encouraged by their love story. He told me his story to encourage me to remember that every bad date, every bad relationship has a purpose. Unfortunately, he also told me that I won't realize why until I meet the one. But when I meet the one, there will be no denying that he is for me and I am for him. That story has stuck with me and encouraged me when I've felt like completely giving up.

To be very honest, I'm still struggling with how I see myself. Some days I feel pretty confident and consider myself really blessed and happy. But most days, there comes a moment when I wonder...."is this it?" and I'm wondering whether or not a life without romantic love is what I have to look forward to. Usually just as I get to a point of fatigue and start feeling like the pitiful cancer-girl, I'll talk to one of my male friends and they remind me that dating woes are not limited to breast cancer survivors named Nicole. They encourage me to keep trying and to stay open but even better... they remind me that I am not damaged goods and I don't have to keep treating myself that way.

These friends are so encouraging to me as I regularly make them laugh or infuriate them with my complaints and tears and giggles about how tired I am of trying to get this dating thing right. I love my male friends (and relatives) because not only do they constantly remind me that despite how I may feel on any given day, I'm still a good sister... but they remind me through their lives that there are good brothers out there. And that is encouraging.

The end of the year is swiftly arriving and I am again reminded that God's schedule is never on my time. I don't know if I'm getting this dating thing right or wrong. Or if there is even such a thing. But I do know that I will keep working on just being open to meeting the right guy. I believe that he's still out there. Somewhere.

Dating chronicles: It is not getting better on the dating scene

Happy Valentine's Day!! Okay... so what that its just a few days past Independence Day (July 4th) and I'm a bit out of order to be thinking about Valentine's day... Bear with me for a second.  I came across an article today about how to get through Valentine's Day when you're single (and don't want to be). I know you're wondering who thinks about V-day in July? That would be me...

The article was nice, a little cheesy I suppose but then Valentine's Day is cheesy. And honestly speaking, the cheese factor is what makes that day and that time of year so extra exciting for me. Reading that article today though made me sniggle at myself because lately I've been on a roll of pretty pitiful dates.

Let's start with the guy that I've known for years.  We've actually gone out a few times on some pretty cool platonic dates. I wouldn't exactly call us close friends but we're more than acquaintances -- I mean, we've known each other for quite a few years. It is wearing me out that this friend will get one date right and we will have a fantastic time... and then every other date wrong. And by wrong I mean, stuff like... he'll ask me out on a date and then have no idea what he wants to do, where he wants to go or even if he's got the time. But he wants to go out. And he thinks he wants to go out with me. But he's not sure. So while he's making up his mind... he wants me to be on hold until he makes a decision. Or not. Or, he'll ask me my availability for a date and then when I say that I am available, he'll say... oh cool. Let's get together. And then I won't talk to him again for a month or so. (gas face) Or, he'll ask me on a date, actually have concrete plans to do something specific... and then he will stand me up. Sometimes he'll say he fell asleep. Other times, he got sick. And so on. Repeatedly. The excuses are always different but the end result is the same. I was asked on a date. And then the date falls through at the last minute.

(nervous laugh)  That's pretty normal, right? Everybody accepts dates with people who have known them for years but who then end up standing them up?  Isn't it common for someone you're not dating to pick a fight with you at very inopportune times.  Even after you remind them that you're not a couple AND the last few times that you were supposed to get together, he was the one who had a problem making it happen? Fights that make little sense considering that we aren't even dating... (you have to actually go ON the date in order to consider yourself, ya know... dating)

That doesn't happen solely to the smiley-faced breast cancer girl? Right? No? Sigh. Dang. Being stood up is one of the most pathetic feelings in the world. However, I recently had the joy of experiencing the absolutely most miserable feeling in the world (on a date) and that is...

Being left at a gas station late at night, at the end of the date. Sigh... I'm too embarrassed to even share the details of that fiasco. Long story short, I went to get a slurpee at the 7-11 next door, and he thought I teleported home... So, he took off. In the middle of the night. Leaving me stranded at a suburban gas station. And my cellphone was dead. And my charger was at home. So, I couldn't call him and scream at him to come back for me. And of course in this age of smartphones, I did not have his number memorized at all. Basically, I was short. Luckily, the clerks at the store took pity on me and called me a cab. But sheesh... how many other breast cancer survivor babes do YOU know who get treated so well by guys who dig her? (laughs)

There has to be an award for this sort of foolishness. Only Nicole has experiences like this. And only Nicole is still so giddy about love that she can read an article about how to maneuver through another "I'm still single" Valentine's Day in the middle of July... and smile. Despite her current track record of bad dates.

The guys aren't bad guys. Not at all. I just don't think that its been a good connection.  In all truth, maybe its me. Its highly possible that I'm just not a fun date these days. I have a lot on my mind and quite possibly, the thought of spending hours of time with me just might be more than some folks can bare. (laughs)  I really don't know.  I would say that I'm going to keep trying, keep accepting dates. But I know that's not the truth. Half of the year is gone and as you've seen, I haven't been doing so well when it comes to dating. So, I think that taking a mental time-out and focusing on other things might be the best course of action. Because if the next dude leaves me stranded, or falls asleep and forgets that he asked me out on a date... I just might get a little Lorena Bobbitt-ish on folks.

And that's not cool. (laughs) At least at this point... I'm not getting hit on by other people's husbands. And that is something to be excited about. Baby steps.

Dating chronicles: Two years is a very long time

I have been really emotional this week. Thinking about a lot of things and a lot of people. I have talked to so many survivors who are dealing with recurrences of their cancer. It scares me to death. If I'm not careful this thing is going to kill me. How do you move beyond that? Ugh... its so much. And so much to handle alone.

Two years ago, the relationship I had when I was
diagnosed with cancer ended. Two years ago, my heart broke (yet again) in a million pieces and I had to deal with the aftermath. In the time since that break up, I have been angry, nonchalant, happy, sad, pissed-off and a million other shades of hurt over that man. Why is it difficult to accept that someone just doesn't want you? And even better... why do you want someone who doesn't want you? Why do you want them to want you? I don't think (for a moment) that he and I should be together again. I don't. But my ego needs him to still want me. To regret his decision to dump me. I need that. I know its not right, nor cool to say that but I'm being honest. In my twisted mind... he should always want me. (smile)

I date. A lot. Dating is fun. Sometimes its cool as hell. But its really shallow. Dating someone you don't know is just getting to know a stranger. No investment, limited risk. For me, after a few dates (and with some folks a few phone calls)... I find reasons to get out of it. I start nitpicking the poor guy apart. He's too tall. He's not tall enough. He has a lisp. And on, and on. The excuses are just that... excuses. As soon as it starts to feel like we could move deeper... I freeze. And I think about the ex. I think about how he just disappeared on me in the middle of my chemotherapy. I think about how my godbrother, my best friends and even my family... kept questioning me about his disappearing act. I think about the excuses he made to not be with me during the holidays. How my mother was so disappointed. I was honestly too sick and too tired to notice until my inner circle started asking questions that forced me out of my shell. I was busy trying to make the people around me believe that I was doing okay with my cancer treatment that I didn't realize that my relationship was falling apart. I noticed he was slipping away... but I didn't want to address it because I was afraid that he really would leave if I did. And then, it was March. And I couldn't avoid it any longer... so I pressed him. And he dumped me. That shit hurt.

My heart was broken because I had breast cancer. My body was weak from the treatment. My spirit was fractured because I just didn't know if I had to strength to keep going... and then my boyfriend (who had been my rock for months) was gone. I can't even tell you how many tears I shed over that. Today, its been two years since we ended that relationship. I still blame cancer for the demise of that relationship. I could be mad at him (and on some levels I still am) but I'm mostly mad at this disease. See, before we were in a relationship, we were friends. Real friends. Now? We're not even that. And it hurts sometimes.

So... when I talk to my friends and discuss their recurrences of cancer I get scared. I'm alone this time. There is no one there in my very intimate space to tell me that its going to be okay and to hold me. There is no one there to cry with me and share that fear. I feel crazy to try to pull someone into that space because it doesn't feel fair to them. I do believe that I am a beautiful person. Inside and out. I really do. Now, I know that I am a handful -- inside and out -- as well. But I go back to the question I had two years ago... "who will love the cancer girl?" and I still don't have any answers. I just know that its time to move on. Two years is a very long time to be so scared... a very, very long time. I've got to move on. Life is for the living.

Dating chronicles: My date with Urkel (not his real name)

Well, I decided a few months ago to take a break from dating for an undetermined length of time. I got through the holidays just fine and all was well. Not dating was fine. I still went out (alone and with friends), I still had a good time when I was out. I just didn't accept any dates.

So, just as the new year kicked off, I decided that taking myself out of the game wasn't the smartest strategy for finding love. (laughs) I opened my mind (and my heart) to the possibility of dating and maybe finding love again.

Hmm... I bet you can guess where this is heading, right?

I have an online dating profile and wow. To say that it has been interesting, would be a major understatement. It is funny and yet disheartening that simply connecting with someone can be so very challenging. So, after deleting message after message after message for months and months and months... I received a message from someone that seemed promising.

He was able to introduce himself and express himself well. He seemed...well normal. In a sea of strange, abnormal, and downright weird folks on dating sites, his normalcy was very refreshing. When he didn't press me too hard for conversation, was open to texting for awhile... I thought, "this could be a cool new friendship."  Long story short, after exchanging texts for awhile, he asked me to dinner. That's where things started to get sketchy.

I know that I can be a bit aggressive but when it comes to dating and such...so I try to pull back a bit so that my personality doesn't overwhelm others who may be a bit more reserved or shy. Well, it turns out that the guy I connected with on-line was a bit shy.

Sigh.

If you don't know by now... I do NOT like to date the shy guy. I really don't. And its not a diss to the many shy male friends that I have -- and I do have quite a few. But, I'm an outgoing and gregarious chick. I make friends everywhere I go. I like talking to people and its second nature for me to do so. None of that ever sits well with the "shy guy".  But... since Nic is opening herself up to love and be loved... silly rules like "don't date the shy guy" have to fall by the wayside. They just interfere with the flow of things.

So, my date asked me out. (That was a plus) And he suggested a date and a time. (That also was a plus) But... he could not seem to make the next step and actually figure out somewhere to go. Sigh. (personal pet peeve #1 -- don't ask me out and have no plan) So after going back and forth for two days, I suggested a nice restaurant that was in a very easily accessible location, with a pretty generic menu and that would be quiet enough that we could hear each other talk without shouting. The restaurant wasn't super expensive -- at least I didn't consider it one of the more pricey restaurants that we have in town. And I know that the food was well prepared, fresh and tasty. I thought I made a good choice. I picked a restaurant that was not super-casual but not super-formal. Because my date was close to my age, I tried to select an environment that I thought would be reflective of a place that we both would enjoy and that wouldn't be peppered with rude kids or poorly trained staff. Again, I put quite a bit of thought into my selection. And I tried not to be annoyed that I was planning the date that he asked me on.

I arrived a bit early (which for me is amazing because I'm almost always late everywhere I go) and I sat at the bar and had a drink. Now, work with me. I had the equivalent of a blind date. I had seen pictures of him online but I had never talked to him on the phone and I had no idea if he would look like his pictures or not.

He did. Sort of. He was about 3 inches shorter than I expected. *shrug*  Not a huge deal but definitely something that I took notice of. (pet peeve #2 -- people who misrepresent themselves) He was ok looking. Like, he didn't make me want to run away, and he didn't make me melt either. He was very much like Steve Urkel honestly. But, he seemed pleasant enough so... I decided to make a new friend, get through dinner and then reassess later on.

Blah, blah, blah. We're getting along ok through dinner. Our waiter was absolutely fabulous and quite chatty. Personally, I found it nice and refreshing. I thought that my date was as entertained as I was.

First snag. My date only eats meat and potatoes. Now... while the restaurant that I chose specialized in American cuisine, they actually did not have a meal on the menu that was JUST meat and potatoes. Sigh. (pet peeve #3 -- if you know that you have a challenging palate, or allergies, please make that clear when plans are being made) But, our ever so handy waiter eventually worked it out so that my date got his well-done steak (gag) and potatoes. With no greenery whatsoever. *eye roll*  The one good thing was that we drank the same alcohol, so we did have that in common. As we chatted about who we were and what our lives were like... he made a comment that made me sit back in my chair. He said to me that in all of his life (this guy was about 43 or so) he had never EVER walked up to a woman and introduced himself and asked her name.

*blink, blink*

Ever, ever? No. Never.

Sigh. Y'all know that this was a BAD SIGN, right?

He then told me that he was extremely shy. (RED FLAG!) He was too afraid to speak to women directly so he preferred online dating. (RED FLAG!) Mind you... this gentleman was divorced and had a young son. I honestly could not wrap my brain around the notion that someone who was adult, intelligent, articulate, reasonably accomplished... did not have the balls to just say hello to someone. To me, that smacked of an issue that could easily be something quite serious but I didn't press the issue. I tried not to be too judgemental because I figured that maybe there was a logical reason why he was incapable of speaking to people.

So... during the course of dinner... our waiter would stop by ever so often -- he was quite attentive without being intrusive -- and check on us. And he kept striking up random and rather innocent conversation with us and with the table beside us. Well... long story short... between the two tables and the waiter, we became engaged in an interesting conversation about dating in DC. The waiter was a young man in his 20's, new to the area and he was having difficulty finding women that he felt were suitable. He tells this story about how he planned this really wonderful date for a young lady -- ice skating in the Sculpture Garden and dinner at Wolfgang Puck's new restaurant -- but the young lady decided that she didn't want to do that. She wanted to go to Hooter's instead.

*side eye*

(Laughs) Me and the lady at the next table just gasped at the foolishness... and then proceeded to explain to the young man that there was nothing wrong with the date that he planned and we both encouraged him to continue to plan really nice and thoughtful dates like that. Because we both felt that women really do appreciate those types of dates. The three of us rattled on for a few minutes about the minefield of dating in DC and how it could be treacherous but didn't have to be... and then he was off doing whatever it is that waiters do when they aren't bringing you your food.

Meanwhile, my date had gotten really quiet. I tried to find out what was bothering him but he just said he was tired. And then the meal was over and we were pretty much done after that. Was it the best date I ever had? Not even close. But it certainly wasn't the worst. At that point. He offered to take me home -- I refused -- and then he said that he would text me in the morning. Which he did.

At 5:30a.m. I received a picture text of him. He was naked from the waist up. *side eye*  Now, I'll tell you this... we had NO type of conversation that could have even remotely been able to be construed as sexual in any form. We were not even close to that page. But in the wee hours of the morning, he sends me a picture of himself half naked. I didn't understand it. I replied with a cheery "Good morning" and then after I thought about it for a moment, I figured maybe he wanted a picture of me. So I sent some random picture of myself -- just a headshot -- with some makeup and without my glasses.

Fast forward to the afternoon. I get a text message from him about 3pm that explains why he suddenly got silent at the dinner table the night before. This guy proceeded to tell me that he felt that the waiter and I had gotten too chatty and we "exchanged personal information". Sigh. Basically ol' boy was mad because the waiter said that he liked to date older women. And I replied (being an older woman), that it wasn't unusual in this town that young men and older women got together. It was very common. And if that was his preference then he needed to stop wasting time dating young women his age, and go after women that were older because very likely they would be open to it.

Now... I will accept that maybe that seemed out of order. (Well, actually no, I won't accept that) But I wasn't hitting on the waiter and the waiter wasn't hitting on me. We were just having random conversation. But since my date was a social retard (can you use that word?)... he had no idea that two people could chat about nothing in general and it mean absolutely nothing.

So, he was mad. And it took him a total of 18 hours to muster up the courage to tell me that I upset him. I'm guessing that he had some help in coming up with that reason to not choose to see me again (laughs) because he had explained to me that he had a group of women at work (subordinates) who counseled him on dating in DC. Mind you, he got married here (laughs) but these women felt that they could help him find the one. Because I am a veteran dater, I asked him whether he was interested in any of these ladies or if they had interest in him and he denied both. But I've been to the rodeo a few times and I'm pretty sure that somebody looked at the GSA schedule and figured out what he earns and decided that his next wife needed to come from within his agency and not from the dating site. I was ambushed by the war counsel at work. (laughs)  Dating in this town can be treacherous. But its okay. I was momentarily annoyed and then I realized that he (and they) had done me an amazing favor. I wished him well and promptly deleted his number.

It wasn't the best date of the new year, but it was the first date of the new year. And it set the tone for me of what NOT to deal with as the year progresses. I used to be pretty harsh and quick about cutting off people that I felt I had nothing in common with... and I've decided that I need to stick with that. It works for me.

I knew from the beginning that we were going to have difficulties. I have to tell you, the inability to speak to women bothered me. No one should be so inept that they cannot say hello to someone that they find attractive. He was challenged when we discussed my cancer experience. He was speechless when he realized that I blogged about my life with breast cancer. And I know that he would not have been able to deal with me always talking to people about my life, my cancer and myself. That was far outside of his comfort zone. And it wold have been far outside of mine to restrain myself from being the outgoing and personable woman that I am, just so that his feelings weren't hurt as I engaged with people.

I have read on a few breast cancer sites that other survivors suggest waiting weeks or even months before discussing that you are a breast cancer survivor. For me, that is difficult because I wear my "Survivor" necklace proudly every day. And I am equally proud of my blog and my life post-cancer. To hide that, to me, would be the equivalent of trying to hide my brown skin. Its just not possible. I am who I am and a big part of who I am is what I've been through. My experience with breast cancer has changed my life. I wouldn't trade any part of that journey now.

So, I will keep dating. Though... no more internet dating. But I've been having an interesting year so far. Some good dates... some interesting prospects.

I'm tired of being mad, sad, frustrated, aggravated...

One of my favorite holidays just passed... and I'm still basking in the afterglow. Valentine's day is just a great holiday to me. Okay... okay... before I get hit with all the bah-humbug rumblings from the peanut gallery I understand that a lot of people simply do not enjoy the day the way that I do. Its okay and I'm okay with your choice to hate it as long as you're okay with my choice to love it.

Cool? Cool.

So, here I am a few days after v-day... nursing a headache because I've spent the past two days gobbling down so much chocolate that I think I may have sent my body into some sort of shock. Its been wonderful. I received some fantastic gifts from people who love me and think I'm great. One of those gifts came from myself. Yep. I chose to love on me this valentine's day and I have to tell you that I am so thrilled with myself.

I am single. I'm not actively dating any one person in particular though I do date a bit. I go out when invited and have fun. I also go out alone quite a bit and enjoy the company of myself too. (Do you feel a theme here?) 

A few days before valentine's day, I read a blog post from another breast cancer survivor and it really helped to solidify the way that I decided to approach this year's love holiday. My pink ribbon sister is dealing with metastatic breast cancer. That means that her cancer returned and now it has advanced to her bones and other organs and basically... there isn't much hope for a cure at this point, they are simply trying to manage her pain and help her deal with the inevitable. She will likely die from this disease. As I read her post and empathized with her anger, I realized that my choice to love the LOVE holiday was a good one.

Back when I last had a boyfriend -- which was during the beginning of my cancer treatment -- valentine's day came along and I was so excited at the notion that in the midst of all the craziness of my life with breast cancer, I would have an opportunity to ignore the madness and fully focus my attention on showing my guy that I really loved and appreciated him. And then I was hit with a brick wall. My guy didn't like valentine's day. Refused to celebrate it. And even better, he was going out of town that weekend to spend time with friends. To say that I was severely disappointed would be an understatement. To say that I'm still angry about it would be really true. Here's the thing... I understood that he was "unhappy" and felt that I had not been paying enough attention to him. Personally, I thought it was some crap but his feelings were his and just because I didn't agree didn't mean that they weren't valid. But considering that valentine's day came about a month after I had lost my breast and about 6 weeks after I ended my chemo... a nice time with my guy was something I looked forward to. And yes, my heart was broken that he decided that I wasn't worth his energy.

So... two years later I'm still a little pissy about that sorry valentine's day. But I'm not sad about it. I'm angry that I wasted my precious energy being sad back then. I can't (and don't plan to) change anyone's mind about valentine's day. I love it. I don't plan on stopping. I still have the valentine's day card that my high school boyfriend gave me. I haven't looked at it in years but I know that its in the box on the shelf in my closet. I'm that kind of girl, you know? When someone shares a piece of themselves with me... I treasure it. I keep it and I think about it. Because it is a true gift and you can't under estimate its worth. And when someone shows you that they don't look at life the same way that I do... I file it away so that I don't disturb them in the future with the things that bother them if I can help it. When my then-boyfriend told me (yet again) that he didn't like or appreciate my fondness for certain holidays, I filed it under... "crazy things about this dude that I love"... and kept it moving.

Fast forward two years... I'm single. I'm cancer free. I'm slowly getting my sexy swag turned all the way up. I'm dating -- as much as my little heart and always crowded calendar will allow. I have hair and its cute hair. Very curly, quite stylish. I'm feeling peaceful about a lot of things. But those few days before valentine's day when I was feeling "some kind of way" and I couldn't put my finger on it... I was once again mad with myself. For all of the things I could complain about in my life (like everybody else) I knew that I really just needed to focus on all the ways that I am super-duper blessed and keep it moving.

Look, I'm tired of being mad. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of being aggravated by other people, stupid situations and really unfortunate circumstances that life brings to my doorstep. No, I wouldn't wish breast cancer on my worst enemy. Hell, if I could go back in time and keep myself from getting it, I surely would climb into my Delorean from Back to the Future and stop this mad train from running me over. But I can't. And since there isn't a cure yet... I can't keep anyone else from getting it. What I can do... is try to help other people be more comfortable with the idea that IF it happens to them (or someone they love) they can get through it -- no matter how it shows up. Whether it shows up and just is a huge and expensive inconvenience or it is a large and looming deadly event... you can still be YOU and function in this world.

So, this year, I decided that in the midst of all the madness that I'm going through and all the wonderful blessings that are heading my way... I decided that I wanted something nice just for me. And that gift to myself brought me more joy that you can really imagine. The icing on the cake was receiving gifts of love from some of my favorite little people in the world and receiving all kinds of happy text messages and smiles the entire day. It was a good valentine's day for me. I hope that it was a good one for you too.

Next year... maybe I'll take myself on a trip someplace tropical and warm. (smile)

Dating chronicles: sigh... it just doesn't get easier

This isn't a rant. Well, not exactly. But it is a notification that I'm just not getting this dating thing right at all. And I'm not alone in this struggle with dating after breast cancer.

I was just reading a breast cancer message board and I got a little sad and a lot angry (again) about being a survivor and being alone. Not to sound too much like a petulant child but... its really not fair.

I am a pretty girl. I am a sexy woman. I am confident in most things and most areas of my life. Even those places where I am slightly confused or less than thrilled... I'm still cool, you know? I have friends who love me. I have family who adores me. And I have a heart as big as the moon and filled with enough love to simply change the structure of a man. I know this.

I KNOW this.

Am I perfect? Well, of course not. To start, I have one real boob and one fake one. I have one nipple. (laughs) I have a zipper like scar rounding my fake breast. I have a scar that stretches from one hip to the other across my lower belly. I also have two tattoos, a few well-positioned moles... and generally speaking, my body is a gorgeous exotic land that I think that a man would love to have and hold every day. If for no other reason than its home to a generous spirit, a loving heart and a sparkling mind. And my imperfections and the way that I embrace them... makes me even more spectacular. At least that's what I think.

But that's just me. (laugh)  How I see myself is certainly not how others see me.

I said all that because when I was reading the topic about dating after breast cancer on the message board, I was (yet again) struck by how many women -- of various ages and races -- are struggling with the collision of body image issues and being open to finding love again. My body image gets better every day and I still struggle with moments of sadness.

One post really made me teary... the writer was an older woman of 61. She was a recent widow and did not have reconstruction when she had her lumpectomy 10 years ago. But now that she was single, she wanted to confront her body image issues and have the reconstruction done. Similarly, another poster was a young woman of 30 and she was absolutely terrified of showing her naked body to anyone. She was going through a cycle of meeting men, going on dates and by the 4th date, she would disappear. Just as things would progress to a more intimate level... she freaked out and just ran off. The "thought" that the man she was dating may one day want to be intimate with her was enough for her to simply disappear from his life and walk away from the chance to be loved.

How deep is that? How deep are these issues of self-esteem and secure body image for survivors?

When you look at yourself in the mirror every day, you cannot help but remember. It is staring back at you as you look at your own reflection. I'm guessing that many survivors probably do as I did for many months... work very hard not to look at their own reflection and try not to focus on the wretched reminders of a hard-fought battle. I perfected the way of looking at only my face and my neck when in the bathroom coming out of the shower or the tub. And would only take in my full image when I was fully clothed.

Sigh. That is not the way to present yourself to the world. If you're afraid of your own reflection, then what you're going to show the world is that fear. And as long as you're afraid, people will be afraid of you.

I do not believe that there is anything wrong with being single. I really don't. Being single gives you opportunities to experience life in a way that can be really fulfilling if you allow it to be. But, I believe that people need people... need to be touched in a loving way regularly. Need to be heard and listened to. And those things can be difficult to have when you're single. So, to go back to my original point... this dating thing is difficult.

The ladies who were struggling with dating post breast cancer treatment were advised to relax, trust their instincts and not to take it personally if a man showed himself to be incapable of dealing with them as survivors. I agree with all of that and still... I find myself wondering each time I date someone and it doesn't quite turn out the way that I'd like, was it the cancer that killed it? Or am I simply unlovable? (yeah, yeah... I know)

I won't go as far as others to say that a man who disappears after learning that you are a breast cancer survivor is no good. I just can't agree with that. But, I will agree that its for the best that he moved on because while you may be like me (feeling sexier everyday in your new body) there are some harsh realities to being a survivor and if he's incapable of dealing, its better to find out early. I think that dating and meeting new people is great. I've had some amazing fun this year the few times that I've opened my heart up and allowed someone in. But (you knew there was a but coming, right)... I am tired. Its starting to feel like I'm reading a map upside down or something. I just don't think I'm going in the right direction at all.

...and then again, maybe I am heading in the right direction. The more I date, the better I become at it. I think. (laughs)

Dating chronicles: Follow up to my rant

The other day, I did a radio interview to discuss the blog and my journey with breast cancer. It was so much fun. During the interview, I was asked about my dating life after breast cancer and I really had to stop and take a deep breath.

See, a little bit of time and space has helped my perspective and while I'm still disappointed that I'm not going to be dating the guy that I was interested in... I'm very much okay with it now. I laughed and talked about some of my more interesting dates but I didn't mention the ones that I had allowed myself to feel vulnerable with.  I didn't see the point. But I will explain why.

I talk a lot about my life here on the blog. And honestly, it amazes me that people actually want to read about my craziness and all of my emotional outbursts. I keep a lot of stuff inside and don't talk to anyone about certain things. One of those things is the really personal and deep feelings that I may have for someone I'm dating. I have been in love before. Many times actually. (and I know somewhere someone is shocked by that revelation) But its true. I am very passionate and emotional... so either I'm totally open to loving a man early on... or it likely will never happen and we remain great platonic friends. Rarely does someone cross from platonic friend to romantic interest. And even more rarely does someone cross back.

The thing about dating for me now is that I'm actually more likely to open myself up and be vulnerable than I was before my diagnosis. The reason for that is that in order to even get to know me right now requires that you have to be open to hearing about the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. And then to become intimately involved requires that I open myself up to scrutiny as I discuss and/or reveal my scars (both physical and emotional). Because I am building a life and a career around discussing my journey with breast cancer, I am becoming more comfortable with wearing my vulnerability and not being ashamed of it. For me, that is a big step and a big deal.

Dating after breast cancer "can" be a buzz-kill but I'm finding that most of that negative energy is emerging from between the ears of the one who fought the breast cancer battle. Not from the people who find them exciting, attractive and appealing. We (survivors) put a lot of pressure on ourselves because we are no longer "perfect". We think that someone else will be freaked out because well... we've been freaked out. And yes, there may be some guys who cannot handle your new boobies, your surgery scars, your radiation burns... but a lot of guys are going to find your strength and your courage so very sexy... so very enticing that you're going to wonder what in the world is going on.

I'm back to thinking positively about dating again. I'm pretty sure that as long as I remain laid back and easy going about it... I'll meet someone who makes me smile and makes me laugh... and who thinks that this cancer girl is hot and sexy.

That's all a girl like me needs some days. :)

Dating chronicles: It is official, I think that dating sucks

I had an entirely different post written... but I had to delete it because it was bitter and caustic and slightly mean. And I know that I wrote it that way because I'm emotional. So, I'm going to try to do this a different way.

I hate dating. I really hate dating post-breast cancer. There are a lot of really nice, very attractive men in the world. Really nice. Very attractive. And a lot of them are single. And out of that number... there have been plenty who have looked at your favorite breast cancer blogger and thought wow... she's pretty doggone hot! Okay... so maybe that wasn't what they were thinking... but that's what I think they were thinking. Because for a breast cancer chick... I'm one sexy babe.

Really. So, what's the problem you ask? The problem is that I am sick of dating. I'm sick of the getting to know you phase of life. I'm absolutely mortified of showing my new body, my new breasts to someone new... and I'm really tired of second-guessing whether or not I'm a good catch in a bad town... or a bad catch and should just let it go. The emotional baggage that circles my heart because I feel like I'm damaged goods... makes it difficult to get to know someone. And it makes me take everything that someone says to me... and analyze it to death.

What's sadder is that I am a really fun girl. I know this. I cultivated this personality over years and years of trying to get beyond my shy high school girl persona. I am a lot of fun, dammit. But I am more than that too. Its sort of a twisted problem. How can you be mad that people like spending time with you because you're fun? The same way you can miss your old saggy boobies that you had to replace with perky new ones because you had breast cancer. Its not logical but it is real.

To sum up why I'm hating dating right now -- its the same song that I've been singing for awhile now. It is difficult for me to find nice guys that I get along with, who make me smile and make me think... and who make different parts of my body tingle with just a word or a smile. Those guys are rare. But they are out there. And when I find one who does all that and then some... AND he thinks I'm cool and great and fabulous... I tend to want to spend time with that guy and get to know him well. And just maybe... maybe... go deeper than the shallow getting to know you stuff.

But when he tells you that he likes you... but not that much, you wince a little bit. Or when he says that you live too far away, or he doesn't like you enough to dig deeper... well, it stings. And then when you start to wonder what part breast cancer may or may not have played in this whole scene... it becomes a strange and sad feeling.

To be fair, I'm no saint and I'm far from innocent. Seriously. I've broken my fair share of hearts in this lifetime. Not by choice or design... but simply because it was bad timing or I didn't like someone as much as I felt they deserved. So... I get it. I really do. Everybody isn't for every one at every moment. Yes. I know that.

But it still stings when you like someone... and he doesn't like you back. Every time.

PS. For the record, I think he thinks I'm mad at him for being honest with me. I am not mad nor angry. Just disappointed. And mostly disappointed with myself because I should have been prepared for this sting... and yet, it caught me completely off guard.

That's the risk you have to take when you like someone... and when you're looking and hoping to find someone to love. No risk, no reward.

Giving up dating... and wishing

My insomnia is back and my nightsweats aren't helping. I'm back to living in an upside down world, time-wise. The only good thing about being up when everyone else is not is that it gives me a lot of time and quiet to think and to write. I will be honest, sometimes I don't want to think too much. Somedays -- sometimes for weeks on end -- I do everything in my power to keep from experiencing any long stretches of silence or quiet. I know its not the best thing to do, but sometimes its all I can do to keep the nightmares away or the fears.

I still cry a bit. But, like I said, I have been thinking a lot and asking myself tough questions. The result was an epiphany that left me feeling a little strange and a lot free-er. I've decided to put a moratorium on dating.

Ha! Funny, right? The girl who dreams of having a baby doesn't want to date anymore? Yep. That's pretty much where I am right now.

I got here -- as usual -- by some convoluted way. Months ago I joined a few online dating sites. Actually, now that I think about it, maybe I joined a year ago. I don't know, not really remembering clearly. At any rate... I've had some HORRIBLE matches pop up. I mean, utter foolishness for real. Its rather disappointing that there are so many frogs out there. Probably princes for some other princesses... but for me? Nothing. Anyhoo... the other day I was asking myself what I really wanted out of this life. Did I want to get married? Did I want to write? Flee the country? Something else? Or nothing else? And while I was thinking this way, I received an email that I had new messages on my profile. And as I was reading the messages, I just stopped for a moment and asked myself why in the world I was torturing myself this way...

He ain't here. (or maybe I don't have the required patience)

Now, please understand. I do not have a problem with internet dating. I've done it many times over the years and have actually met some nice guys. Dated one guy for a couple of years that I met online. So, I don't think that online dating is a bad thing and I'm not against it at all. But as I was reading the messages -- and most of them were lame as hell -- I just got weak. I mean literally, I felt the wind just seep out of me and all I kept thinking was... is this it? Is this what I've reduced myself to? Hoping and wishing that Prince Charming shows up online, or at a party, or heck at a sandwich shop when I'm going about my business? THIS is what it comes down to? I fought through all that sickness and fear just to end up still living on a wish and a hope that someone will notice me? Pass.

I know that I'm not every guy's cup of tea. And honestly, that's cool because there are a lot of guys out there who do not float my boat either. But this sitting around and waiting... This hoping and wishing... Ick! Its not me. I'm not feeling it. I hate when I try to force myself into an opening that doesn't feel comfortable simply because I think its the right thing to do. The truth is that I'm still trying out this new "normal"... and I'm going to keep bumping into walls and spaces that don't quite fit anymore. But I need to "feel" something... feel good, feel alive... just FEEL. And looking at static pictures on a website has no feeling at all.

I'm no longer ashamed of telling guys that I'm a breast cancer survivor. I don't get annoyed or angry if they react poorly or decide to stop talking to me, or stop calling... Eh. Their loss. But I really am not feeling (at this moment) this passive role that I've fallen into. Its all my fault. I blame myself. I reasoned that if I really wanted to get married, I had to push myself out there and make contacts with guys. But the way that I chose to go about it was wack.
So, for a time... maybe through the fall and winter... I'm going to take dating off the table. If I meet someone and I want to hang out, I'll do that. But nothing serious. No strings. Just fun. Just laughter. Just feeling...

Flirting is good for the soul…

I am convinced that flirting is just good for the soul. I think it makes your skin brighter, your smile shinier and your eyes more sparkly.

I have no medical proof of this but that's what I firmly believe. Its how I felt yesterday when I spent the afternoon laughing with an acquaintance.

You know the drill... its always someone that you never quite think of in "that" way... someone you've known for awhile... someone who somehow, magically manages to do or say or smile just the right way... and then it clicks...

Wow... he's cute, and smart and funny and sweet... How did I miss all this before?

In the case of this specific gentleman... He’s someone I’ve known for a couple of years. He is just a smidge younger than I am. (well, more than a smidge but eh… I don’t look my age so we’ll just keep blurring that line) And he’s freaking adorable. I had a really fun easy-going time with him.

I like those.

The great thing about younger men is that they seem just a tad fearless in their approach. (laughs) They put it out there, and if you seem hesitant, they put it out there stronger. And again... and then they tweak it a little and try again. Until you smile... pow!

Persistence can be sexy. (Stalking is not -- know the difference, please!)

It is very appealing to chat with someone and discover little nuggets about them that make you smile and that send your mind wandering just a little bit into the land of ... "what if..." and then to pull back to reality and think... "gee, this is actually a really good moment". And your smile grows just a little bit larger... and you nod (maybe to yourself) that yes... yes! THIS is a good, good moment.

It was like that.

All sparkly, shimmery, fun and frolic. It was a giddy, tickly feeling in my tummy. It was... slide your eyes down low 'cause you're thinking slightly naughty thoughts and you don't quite want to give it away. (I can say all this here because he does not read the blog, hallelujah!)

All that to say... after having a great day -- I gave a talk about breast cancer to some very nice people in Baltimore (great experience) -- an unexpected opportunity to flirt and laugh and feel free and happy... was the cherry on top of the sundae. It was a good feeling.

I am going to encourage everyone to take an hour or so (hopefully longer) today – or over the next few days – to just smile, laugh and say naughty and inappropriate things to someone you really want to see smile. Trust me… it will make you feel good all the way down to your toes.



Did for me. (wink)
 
Sessy pink ribbon girl strikes again!!

Dating chronicles: meeting men on the internet... who are these people?

Okay, so you know I've been home recuperating from my reconstruction for a bit. The internet has been my way of exploring the world from the comfort of home. After a few (and I mean just a few) dates last year, I decided that I needed to be a bit more proactive about meeting guys. I needed a strategy and I needed to implement that plan. So, I decided to open my mind and revisit internet dating.

Um. Yeah. (confused face) Madness.

So, the cool thing about internet dating is that you can look at the pictures from the comfort of your home and decide quickly whether or not someone interests you. Its easy. And the instant gratification that comes when they respond to you is a good feeling. Unless the person who reaches out to you is a bit... well, different... from your normal interests.

First example of... not quite right. Attractive guy, close to my age, in my metropolitan area... seems cool. I looked at his picture when it came up in the rotation -- didn't comment or anything but thought to myself that he wasn't hard on the eyes. He was rather cute actually. But for some reason, I had a feeling that he wouldn't be feeling me. (This was shortly after my surgery and I was feeling a bit unpretty and very much like damaged goods) I thought it was a good sign when he tagged me to chat and wanted to get to know me.

After we got past the name introductions, he tells me... "I like women who have your look".

(What does that mean?)

I asked him if he meant that he liked women with short haircuts. He responded that no, that wasn't what he meant. He meant that I looked "open" and he liked women who were open.

Wait... what?

Again, not understanding what this dude is saying... I asked him what he meant by open. His response... "a woman who looks open to men and women".

Now... y'all know I am very straight. (and if you didn't know, now you do) But I am very big on building relationships between women (friendships and business relationships) and I believe that quality friendships can enrich your life in multiple ways. But, I'm not naive... I didn't think that he meant he could see in my shining smile that I liked linking good people with good people. I just had never spoken to anyone who thought that I looked bisexual. It was a shocker to me.

I responded... "just to clarify, I'm very heterosexual and I'm cool with that" and he responded "great". He then procedes to tell me that women who are very open are cool with him because he's very open.

Ruh roh. (Scooby doo voice)  Spidey senses are going off and I can practically see fireworks behind my eyelids... (sigh) Exactly what is this guy trying to tell me?

Me:  "what do you mean by that?"
Him: well... I like to have bj's by white guys.
Me:  blink blink - dead silence.
Me:  silent
Me:  silent
Me:  okay... what exactly do you mean?
Him: I like to have white men service me with oral sex (okay, that's not exactly what he said but I'm trying to clean it up since this is the internet)
Me: (thinking... what in the holy h*ll have I stumbled into?)
Me:  Oh really? Well, that's um, interesting.
Him:  yeah, I think its pretty cool. I like it a lot.
Me:  so... do you identify as gay or bisexual or what exactly?
Him:  oh no. I'm straight. I'm here looking for a long-term relationship with a woman.
Me:  blink blink - dead silence
Me:  sigh. How's that?
Him:  well, I don't have sex with men and I'm not attracted to them in any way but I like the power I feel when they want me and want to service me that way.

Okay... at this point, I'm wondering what I did in my past lives to have earned this sort of foolishness when I was earnestly trying to meet someone nice. I mean... I'm a good person, I love the Lord, I pray and read my bible. I'm a little behind on my tithing but hey... overall, I'm a good girl. So, why is this freak-dude on my computer telling me this weirdness? What sort of twisted punishment is this? (shrug) Don't even know. However, since I'm so curious about people and what drives them... I was compelled to ask a whole lot of questions because I knew that I would never talk to this guy again in my life.

So I keep going.

Me:  hmm... so why white guys? If its not a physical attraction, then what is it?
Him:  I feel like its payback for racism.
Me:  (thinking -- this dude is a moron for real) "Really now, that's interesting."
Him:  so... does that bother you?
Me:  (screaming inside... HELL YES!)
Me:  um, no. I mean, its your life that you're living. If you're happy with the choice then great.
Him:  cool... see, I knew you were open. (laughs)
Me:  (thinking -- man, you have no idea how closed and uptight I really am)
Me:  well, not really. I'm not that open-minded but I do accept that people have to do what makes them happy -- even if its not something I would do myself.
Him:  would you have a problem with this if we were to date?
Me: (again, screaming on the inside)  well, it would depend on the nature of our relationship. If we were platonic friends -- non-sexual friends -- nope. Your sex life is your business. But if we were to consider dating, then yes. Its a deal breaker for me. I couldn't comfortably date a man who was bisexual.
Him:  I'm not bisexual. I just do this "thing" from time to time. Its payback.
Me:  oh, my bad. I understand.

And I do (well sort of) understand. I understand that there are people who engage in same sex relations but who do not subscribe to the belief that they are gay or bisexual in any way. I don't really agree with the notion but then, I'm not into same sex love personally.

What surprised me -- beyond the admission of this weird prediliction for strange reverse racism sexual role play -- was that he told me this without coersion, immediately following the "my name is" portion of the conversation. I'm not sure why he felt so comfortable with sharing something so personal but I have to say it dinged my self-esteem in a major way. I was sick/sad/upset for a couple of weeks after this conversation.

Why? Because I internalized that his decision to find a girlfriend who was open to his lifestyle choices meant that I was someone who came across as "easy" or sexually loose -- neither of which are actually true. Now that weeks have passed since this conversation, I realize just how crazy I was to even think that way.

Having breast cancer as a single girl is damaging to the self-esteem. I cannot over state that. However, this guy's personal sexual choices are not a reflection on me nor are they a statement that I'm damaged goods only worthy of someone I'm so very incompatible with.

You would be surprised at just how long it took me to come to that level of understanding. In hindsight, the story was funny. I did ask him whether he had met a lot of women who were comfortable with his non-mainstream interests. He wouldn't answer. He did say that it was probably more than I would expect.

Wow.  Who knew?

I didn't immediately quit the dating site. I thought that he had to be an anomaly and I figured that there had to be better out there. Of course, you know my luck isn't that great so... there are more stories to follow. I left after a couple of weeks because the responses I was getting weren't really of the quality I was seeking and the site wasn't free. I didn't see the point of paying to meet losers. So I bounced.

I'll tell you about the spanker in the next episode of my dating with cancer chronicles.

Let me add... I never even took the time to explain to him that I was a breast cancer survivor. I hesitated in the beginning because I thought it was a liability and he would run screaming away. And then, well, the craziness started and I didn't see the point in sharing my stuff when his was so much more interesting.

Anybody else out there experiencing interesting connections on-line?

dating when your scarred from breast cancer

(sigh)

I just read a blog post that really disturbed me. In it, the blogger was writing about a guy who felt deceived by his date because she didn't disclose some issues with her body prior to the point where they decided to have sex.  In fairness to Moxie (Moxie in the City - The Crying Game post ) ... she was writing in reaction to another blog post where a guy decided to bitch and moan about how some woman he met on-line deceived and lied to him.  Here's his post: Master dater - Online dating nightmare post

After reading this guy's post and his comments... a few things stand out to me. One, he's a jerk. Not sure whether it is just an on-line/blog persona or his real deal but he's a jerk (if he's a friend of yours, my apologies but this is how I feel). Two, he's rather insensitive and seems to have an inflated sense of self. And finally three, he doesn't plan too well. Who drives 4 hours to see someone who is virtually a stranger and doesn't have a back-up plan or a hotel room? I digress...


(more after the jump... click the READ MORE link)


Although I didn't find his post necessarily enlightening or helpful to my life, I did have a grudging respect for his silence about the turn-off issue.  It was an inkling of respect, no doubt, but he didn't sink as low as he could have. Now, how he treated her leaves a lot to be desired but eh... dealing with jerks is part of the dating landscape.

But my offense wasn't with him, it was with Moxie's post. In her description, she threw women under the bus who have already gone through extreme situations with their bodies and who, are most likely to suffer from body image issues.

Yes, let's pick on the fat girls and the girls with breast cancer. Easy targets... low-lying fruit, right? Who wants them?

"Clothes come off. Then and only then do you notice something...off. No, she's not transgendered. But there's something up with her body. Maybe it's excess skin from gastric bypass surgery or, worse, scarring from a mastectomy or other kind of surgery. It's not something run of the mill like she was seriously more overweight than her profile, since you would have spotted that in her face when you first met her in person".

Seriously? This is what it comes down to?

I have scars from my mastectomy, radiation treatment and now reconstruction surgery... so honestly, I was offended. Deeply.

I'm trying not to totally bash this woman because of one post. She immediately posted a clarification message after my comment on her site. And I truly do believe that she didn't intend to be rude, she just made a poor choice of words (or maybe she wanted to be provacative and try to evoke responses to her blog -- it is how we live in this blog world, comments rule.)

At any rate, the comment "or worse, scarring from a mastectomy" made me wonder if she felt that way about a woman's body... how do men feel? Considering that breast cancer strikes women far more often than men... are guys understanding of what it means to lose a part of your body in an effort to save your own life? Or ... is it that at the end of the day we're all supposed to look like Victoria's Secret models and those of us who fail to do so are just short? Not worthy of dating or being naked with someone ever again. I hope not.

Dating is a difficult thing sometimes. You don't feel like opening yourself up to the scrutiny of strangers in the hope of finding love and a connection. But the desire to be loved and to experience the wonderful intimacy of a relationship (a good and healthy relationship) is strong and it drives us single folks to seek that companion to walk through life with. When its good, dating is so wonderful and heady and fun that you wonder how you could be so blessed. But when its bad... dating can be so heartwrenching and painful... causing you to over-scrutinize yourself and doubt everything you may believe about yourself and your worth. Its got to be bad to go on a date with someone you talked to for months, on-line and on the phone, only to have him arrive for your date and eventually decide that you simply were not good enough for him. How horrible.

The world isn't fair and sometimes people say or do insensitive things that may hurt your feelings. I know that. But I'm still annoyed at the lack of compassion when dealing with someone who may have gone through something traumatic and life-altering. I understand that we all make choices about what we choose to deal with in our lives, but is it too much to ask that we make those choices in a way that doesn't diminish someone else?

I'm no angel. I've been insensitive in my life and in my writings and I'm sure that I will again. I am human and I am flawed. I also know that I'm not alone in my flawed human nature... so what gives?

Here's the deal, none of us know how someone will react to seeing our body for the first time in the nude. Whether we bear scars from past surgery, more weight than our frame should hold or if we think we are perfect... until the moment when the clothes are off, you have to have faith that the person you've chosen to be intimate with will appreciate what you're sharing. Sexy begins between your ears...and it moves downward from there. Love begins in your heart and it spreads outward from there. If you limit yourself to just the image that you see when you look at a person, you're missing out on the real beauty.

I think that's what Moxie was driving at with her post. And I think that I need to work on my switch and my swagger. My sexiness is not diminished by this flawed body. Any guy who thinks that... doesn't deserve all that I have to offer.

Simple as that.

...and tomorrow is chemo day...

I'm coming to the end of my chemo days. I am not sure how many more I have but tomorrow is one more adventure in the land of breast cancer. I am not quite as nervous or anxious as I usually am. I think that's because I've been so busy at work, and then busy when I get home that I'm sort of exhausted. Too tired to worry.

Awhile back, someone commented that breast cancer was the best thing that happened to her life. I found that thought to be...well...ridiculous. But as I contemplate the days ahead, I am starting to understand a little bit better how this journey can make you see life in a brand new way. I won't go as far as to say that having breast cancer has been the best thing ever. (laughs) But I will admit that the challenge of this illness has forced me to become strong and confident in ways that I was not sure I was capable of a year ago.

I think of my early days with this disease quite a bit now. I find myself talking to other women who have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer a lot. Since I have started this blog, I have become a magnet for other sisters struggling with finding their way through this maddening maze of breast cancer. Each time I talk to one of my new pink ribbon sisters, I relive my early days of treatment and try to explain to them how I felt, what I went through and what they can expect from their treatment in the coming days. I purposely take myself back down that emotional rabbit hole, so that I connect with them in a way that resonates with the fear and anxiety that they feel. Each time, each sister... I virtually take their hand and walk beside them for a few steps so that I can feel what they feel in order to get them to see what I see now. That where they are today is not where they are meant to stay.

I am certainly no medical expert on breast cancer. I am one victim who is struggling to be triumphant in the end, like so many others before me. I am only an expert in how I felt, what I did and how I managed to keep moving forward even when I wasn't even sure I was making progress at all.

Battling breast cancer has given me ample opportunities to examine myself, my life and to really stop and consider where I am going and what I have to contribute to this world. When you find yourself faced with your own mortality, you shift your priorities pretty quickly. (laughs) I am guessing that I only have 1 maybe 2 more rounds of herceptin chemotherapy and then I'll be back into the real world again. I am guessing that I will feel some sort of separation anxiety from leaving my safe cocoon of regular visits to the cancer center. But even though I imagine the next few weeks/months to be interesting emotionally... I know that it is truly time for me to move on and claim my new presence in this world.

As I really think about dating again, and I think about the possibilities of this life... I realize that even if my time is shorter than I had ever hoped or imagined, that's no excuse not to enjoy every moment and wring all of the possibilities out of it that I can manage with the time that I have.

I want to love again. I really do. The idea of being vulnerable, though, is scary. But, I ask myself what is the alternative and I realize that the possibility of connecting with someone good, kind and decent really doesn't have a downside.  I read another pink ribbon sister's blog the other day and her post was a mini-rant about the possibilities of dating as a breast cancer patient. Her words echoed a sentiment that I have felt myself -- who wants to date the cancer-girl? She went on to discuss her concerns about having one breast and dealing with all of these treatments and appointments and wondered -- much like I have over the past year -- what guy would willingly sign up for this side of life?

The truth is...a good guy would. The right guy will. She and I just have to have faith and believe that it is possible. Because it really is possible. Honestly, I am afraid of being in love because it makes me vulnerable to being hurt again. But the alternative is to live a life without love, without intimacy, without companionship. Eek! Don't want that. So, I'll open my heart and take a chance and hopefully the good things that I experience will outweigh any possible negatives. The truth is that without breast cancer, I would still feel the same hesitation about dating and love possibilities.

I want to be focused on something other than my health. I want to keep travelling, laughing and enjoying the joys of this world. There are so many things that I still want to do. Maybe that's why tonight my anxiety about chemotherapy is lower than usual. Instead of worrying about what may happen when I get to the cancer center in a few hours...I'm thinking about the weekend. Thinking forward to my trip to Las Vegas in a couple of weeks... Thinking about the giggles and joy I will feel on Friday when the work week is over.

After all that goodness... being anxious about having a 2 inch needle stuck in my chest for a couple of hours is low on the priority list. Its not like I haven't handled it before. (laughs)

how breast cancer is affecting my issues with men

I went to dinner with a college girlfriend on Sunday evening. We had not seen each other in years (life gets in the way sometimes). But y'all know the story... cancer changes things. (smile) When she sent me an email the other day asking if I wanted to get together, I made sure that I made it happen. I knew that my cancer was really hard for her. I wanted her to see that I was doing okay. Plus it was good to just catch up and laugh... and an even better excuse to go to this fabulous new restaurant that I'm just in love with.

So, while talking about everything under the sun we started talking about relationships and men. She asked if I thought that having cancer scared men away from me, or if the way that I was handling having cancer scared men away. (We had been discussing how I was trying to handle the bulk of my treatment/doctor visits/etc. by myself)

I told her that I felt that the opposite was true. While I have my concerns with dating, I am realizing slowly that guys seem to be rather understanding of the situation. I have found that when I reveal that I have breast cancer, if the guy was sincerely interested in me his interest stayed the same.

It seems that the one with the problem is Nicole.

Here's the truth: I realized a short time ago that I have real trust issues with men.

Yes, I know that sounds horrible. Its not that I think that all men are bad. I know they aren't. I just feel that sometimes people start things that they are not able to complete, for lots of reasons (usually good ones reasons too). Being disappointed, heart broken and ultimately let down... scares me. I worry that I will be left hanging by someone who "meant" well... but ultimately was not prepared to really go the distance. I will accept that this bothers me because it is a reflection of how I feel about myself. I often feel that I should just stay single, not put my trust in someone else's hands. Just skip the risk of being let down.


The real question though is what sort of life is that? Navigating life alone because I'm afraid of getting my heart broken... seems like a real waste. Its truly not what I want. (shrug)

Here's where breast cancer is showing me things. Life cannot be carried the way I want it to be all the time. No matter how much I try to prepare myself for the unexpected -- life will throw you a curve ball and you simply have to be ready to adjust your stance. There's no getting around it.

Waking up one day and feeling a lump in your breast is a major curve ball. Waking up one day months later, weak from chemotherapy, bald all over and tired like you've run a marathon course... is a major curve ball. And so on. I've learned to navigate these switches in direction -- not easily, but I've managed to do it.

I do not want to live the rest of my life alone. But at the same time, I am absolutely terrified of putting my feelings, emotions and everything else on the line and end up disappointed. Again. I am such a punk. (laughs) But I am truly working on it.

I don't know. Dating was crazy and hard before breast cancer. I thought I had figured out (just before my diagnosis) what my issues were with dating. I thought that I had commitment issues. And I was working on that. But now, I don't think that's totally it. My issue isn't being unable to commit to someone... its believing that someone can and will be willing to commit to me. Today, my issue is compounded by the fact that (God-willing) I will be living with the after-effects of having breast cancer for the rest of my life. There will always be some concern, some fear... some nagging something that will linger around my life and have to be dealt with head-on.

It sucks but its real.

The question that lingers is... if it was hard to accept that someone could stick with me through my craziness, my mood swings, my very "Nicole-ness" before cancer... my goodness, who is that man who will be willing to take on that PLUS millions of doctor visits, unexpected medical bills, fatigue, body changes and so on? This is REAL LIFE STUFF and its serious.

I think that I've been forced to face my own erroneous ways of looking at and appreciating men thanks to my cancer. They aren't all shallow and self-serving all the time. They don't always think "penis-first"... Breast cancer has given me some truly tender moments with various men in my life. From my cousins calling to check on me every week during my chemotherapy days, to my ex-boyfriend literally holding my hand during my early appointments... to my god-brother making sure that I got out of the house every so often just to have some fun. My dad made some oatmeal for me one day months ago because it was one of the few things I could eat and taste. He made it and carried it up to my bedroom so that I didn't have to walk to the kitchen. Don't let me forget the virtual friends I've made through twitter and facebook, who have checked on me regularly, sent me jokes or little notes of encouragement... little things like that.

It has certainly forced me to take a long look at myself and think about things differently. I wonder whether its unrealistic for me to still want someone to love. My heart says no but my head... just hasn't completely caught up yet.


It just dawned on me what the lesson in this (for love) might be for me. Just as I am fragile and beautifully human, men are too. If I can expect a man to see me and still see some beauty, then I should be able to do the same. Rather than expect or demand that "he" be perfect in his love for me, I need to work on accepting the beauty of his very human (sometimes disappointing, most times not) love for me. Rather than try to force his love to my vision -- I'll need to look at the love he gives me and appreciate it for its very uniqueness in my life.

Damn. It took me 40 years and breast cancer to figure that out?

Sheesh.

sigh... Ok. Let's go! Love is out there... let's get with it. :)