I went to dinner with a college girlfriend on Sunday evening. We had not seen each other in years (life gets in the way sometimes). But y'all know the story... cancer changes things. (smile) When she sent me an email the other day asking if I wanted to get together, I made sure that I made it happen. I knew that my cancer was really hard for her. I wanted her to see that I was doing okay. Plus it was good to just catch up and laugh... and an even better excuse to go to this fabulous new restaurant that I'm just in love with.
So, while talking about everything under the sun we started talking about relationships and men. She asked if I thought that having cancer scared men away from me, or if the way that I was handling having cancer scared men away. (We had been discussing how I was trying to handle the bulk of my treatment/doctor visits/etc. by myself)
I told her that I felt that the opposite was true. While I have my concerns with dating, I am realizing slowly that guys seem to be rather understanding of the situation. I have found that when I reveal that I have breast cancer, if the guy was sincerely interested in me his interest stayed the same.
It seems that the one with the problem is Nicole.
Here's the truth: I realized a short time ago that I have real trust issues with men.
Yes, I know that sounds horrible. Its not that I think that all men are bad. I know they aren't. I just feel that sometimes people start things that they are not able to complete, for lots of reasons (usually good ones reasons too). Being disappointed, heart broken and ultimately let down... scares me. I worry that I will be left hanging by someone who "meant" well... but ultimately was not prepared to really go the distance. I will accept that this bothers me because it is a reflection of how I feel about myself. I often feel that I should just stay single, not put my trust in someone else's hands. Just skip the risk of being let down.
The real question though is what sort of life is that? Navigating life alone because I'm afraid of getting my heart broken... seems like a real waste. Its truly not what I want. (shrug)
Here's where breast cancer is showing me things. Life cannot be carried the way I want it to be all the time. No matter how much I try to prepare myself for the unexpected -- life will throw you a curve ball and you simply have to be ready to adjust your stance. There's no getting around it.
Waking up one day and feeling a lump in your breast is a major curve ball. Waking up one day months later, weak from chemotherapy, bald all over and tired like you've run a marathon course... is a major curve ball. And so on. I've learned to navigate these switches in direction -- not easily, but I've managed to do it.
I do not want to live the rest of my life alone. But at the same time, I am absolutely terrified of putting my feelings, emotions and everything else on the line and end up disappointed. Again. I am such a punk. (laughs) But I am truly working on it.
I don't know. Dating was crazy and hard before breast cancer. I thought I had figured out (just before my diagnosis) what my issues were with dating. I thought that I had commitment issues. And I was working on that. But now, I don't think that's totally it. My issue isn't being unable to commit to someone... its believing that someone can and will be willing to commit to me. Today, my issue is compounded by the fact that (God-willing) I will be living with the after-effects of having breast cancer for the rest of my life. There will always be some concern, some fear... some nagging something that will linger around my life and have to be dealt with head-on.
It sucks but its real.
The question that lingers is... if it was hard to accept that someone could stick with me through my craziness, my mood swings, my very "Nicole-ness" before cancer... my goodness, who is that man who will be willing to take on that PLUS millions of doctor visits, unexpected medical bills, fatigue, body changes and so on? This is REAL LIFE STUFF and its serious.
I think that I've been forced to face my own erroneous ways of looking at and appreciating men thanks to my cancer. They aren't all shallow and self-serving all the time. They don't always think "penis-first"... Breast cancer has given me some truly tender moments with various men in my life. From my cousins calling to check on me every week during my chemotherapy days, to my ex-boyfriend literally holding my hand during my early appointments... to my god-brother making sure that I got out of the house every so often just to have some fun. My dad made some oatmeal for me one day months ago because it was one of the few things I could eat and taste. He made it and carried it up to my bedroom so that I didn't have to walk to the kitchen. Don't let me forget the virtual friends I've made through twitter and facebook, who have checked on me regularly, sent me jokes or little notes of encouragement... little things like that.
It has certainly forced me to take a long look at myself and think about things differently. I wonder whether its unrealistic for me to still want someone to love. My heart says no but my head... just hasn't completely caught up yet.
It just dawned on me what the lesson in this (for love) might be for me. Just as I am fragile and beautifully human, men are too. If I can expect a man to see me and still see some beauty, then I should be able to do the same. Rather than expect or demand that "he" be perfect in his love for me, I need to work on accepting the beauty of his very human (sometimes disappointing, most times not) love for me. Rather than try to force his love to my vision -- I'll need to look at the love he gives me and appreciate it for its very uniqueness in my life.
Damn. It took me 40 years and breast cancer to figure that out?
Sheesh.
sigh... Ok. Let's go! Love is out there... let's get with it. :)
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