how breast cancer is affecting my issues with men

I went to dinner with a college girlfriend on Sunday evening. We had not seen each other in years (life gets in the way sometimes). But y'all know the story... cancer changes things. (smile) When she sent me an email the other day asking if I wanted to get together, I made sure that I made it happen. I knew that my cancer was really hard for her. I wanted her to see that I was doing okay. Plus it was good to just catch up and laugh... and an even better excuse to go to this fabulous new restaurant that I'm just in love with.

So, while talking about everything under the sun we started talking about relationships and men. She asked if I thought that having cancer scared men away from me, or if the way that I was handling having cancer scared men away. (We had been discussing how I was trying to handle the bulk of my treatment/doctor visits/etc. by myself)

I told her that I felt that the opposite was true. While I have my concerns with dating, I am realizing slowly that guys seem to be rather understanding of the situation. I have found that when I reveal that I have breast cancer, if the guy was sincerely interested in me his interest stayed the same.

It seems that the one with the problem is Nicole.

Here's the truth: I realized a short time ago that I have real trust issues with men.

Yes, I know that sounds horrible. Its not that I think that all men are bad. I know they aren't. I just feel that sometimes people start things that they are not able to complete, for lots of reasons (usually good ones reasons too). Being disappointed, heart broken and ultimately let down... scares me. I worry that I will be left hanging by someone who "meant" well... but ultimately was not prepared to really go the distance. I will accept that this bothers me because it is a reflection of how I feel about myself. I often feel that I should just stay single, not put my trust in someone else's hands. Just skip the risk of being let down.


The real question though is what sort of life is that? Navigating life alone because I'm afraid of getting my heart broken... seems like a real waste. Its truly not what I want. (shrug)

Here's where breast cancer is showing me things. Life cannot be carried the way I want it to be all the time. No matter how much I try to prepare myself for the unexpected -- life will throw you a curve ball and you simply have to be ready to adjust your stance. There's no getting around it.

Waking up one day and feeling a lump in your breast is a major curve ball. Waking up one day months later, weak from chemotherapy, bald all over and tired like you've run a marathon course... is a major curve ball. And so on. I've learned to navigate these switches in direction -- not easily, but I've managed to do it.

I do not want to live the rest of my life alone. But at the same time, I am absolutely terrified of putting my feelings, emotions and everything else on the line and end up disappointed. Again. I am such a punk. (laughs) But I am truly working on it.

I don't know. Dating was crazy and hard before breast cancer. I thought I had figured out (just before my diagnosis) what my issues were with dating. I thought that I had commitment issues. And I was working on that. But now, I don't think that's totally it. My issue isn't being unable to commit to someone... its believing that someone can and will be willing to commit to me. Today, my issue is compounded by the fact that (God-willing) I will be living with the after-effects of having breast cancer for the rest of my life. There will always be some concern, some fear... some nagging something that will linger around my life and have to be dealt with head-on.

It sucks but its real.

The question that lingers is... if it was hard to accept that someone could stick with me through my craziness, my mood swings, my very "Nicole-ness" before cancer... my goodness, who is that man who will be willing to take on that PLUS millions of doctor visits, unexpected medical bills, fatigue, body changes and so on? This is REAL LIFE STUFF and its serious.

I think that I've been forced to face my own erroneous ways of looking at and appreciating men thanks to my cancer. They aren't all shallow and self-serving all the time. They don't always think "penis-first"... Breast cancer has given me some truly tender moments with various men in my life. From my cousins calling to check on me every week during my chemotherapy days, to my ex-boyfriend literally holding my hand during my early appointments... to my god-brother making sure that I got out of the house every so often just to have some fun. My dad made some oatmeal for me one day months ago because it was one of the few things I could eat and taste. He made it and carried it up to my bedroom so that I didn't have to walk to the kitchen. Don't let me forget the virtual friends I've made through twitter and facebook, who have checked on me regularly, sent me jokes or little notes of encouragement... little things like that.

It has certainly forced me to take a long look at myself and think about things differently. I wonder whether its unrealistic for me to still want someone to love. My heart says no but my head... just hasn't completely caught up yet.


It just dawned on me what the lesson in this (for love) might be for me. Just as I am fragile and beautifully human, men are too. If I can expect a man to see me and still see some beauty, then I should be able to do the same. Rather than expect or demand that "he" be perfect in his love for me, I need to work on accepting the beauty of his very human (sometimes disappointing, most times not) love for me. Rather than try to force his love to my vision -- I'll need to look at the love he gives me and appreciate it for its very uniqueness in my life.

Damn. It took me 40 years and breast cancer to figure that out?

Sheesh.

sigh... Ok. Let's go! Love is out there... let's get with it. :)

make tonight beautiful....

I'm watching "Waiting to Exhale"... for the millionth time. I read this book YEARS ago when it came out. And I watched the movie when it came out a few years later. I remember thinking then that the story was overly dramatic. And for a woman in her 20's... it was. (laughs)

Now, as I watch it from an older woman's perspective I appreciate so much more of the story. I better understand the nuances of the friendships and the angst that each woman is going through. But... this post isn't totally about Waiting to Exhale... as it is about one small character. A character you never see, never hear from but who just made me pause for a moment of reflection. Breast cancer.

Wesley Snipes plays a character who is married to a woman dying of breast cancer. The last few times I've watched this movie, I've been really drawn to his character and his relationship with his wife. Even though he meets Angela Bassett in a hotel bar and basically begins an emotional relationship with her... he comes off (a little) like a victim in the movie. Because his wife is dying of breast cancer.

He speaks of her with reverence and love. He talks about her struggle, her efforts to be strong for him. He doesn't apologize for her illness or make excuses for loving her. Neither does he make excuses for not wanting to divorce her.

Its admirable and disconcerting.

Life is full of so many gray areas. Watching a man (even a fictitious character) engage with a woman who isn't his wife -- yet not feeling any anger toward him for finding a way to meet his own needs is odd. You're supposed to dislike the man who cheats on his wife. But somehow I can't do that. He's so human, so raw and so very open -- I find it fascinating and enthralling. To know that a man can love a woman that much, that even in her darkest hour he sees some beauty within her is nice.

At one point in the movie, he sends a love letter to Angela Bassett basically talking about his love for his wife. I know, crazy huh? But it works.

I hate that cancer and specifically breast cancer is like the great 'boogey man' in so many stories and movies. It makes it that much harder to cope with having the disease. Breast cancer is like a ghost who is constantly whipping my behind... and I can't swing back, can't really defend myself against the attacks. But I feel the after effects every day.

For a few weeks now I have wanted to write a post about how men love their women through their breast cancer struggles. I can "see" how my father, male friends, male relatives and even my ex-boyfriend struggle to cope with my illness. But I do not really know what goes on in their minds.

I met a guy on-line -- through a friend's suggestion because his mother is a breast cancer survivor and is currently in treatment for ovarian cancer -- who makes me pause often to think about just how hard this disease is on the men in a breast cancer patient's life. I've never met him, probably never will, but there is a reverence that exists in emails to me regarding his mother's journey with cancer that reminds me of my dad and my male friends a little.

Its difficult to explain really. I also met a man (a minister) on twitter whose wife has breast cancer. She just started her chemo and he posts every so often about how she's doing and what she's going through. His posts have that same awe in them that reminds me of Wesley Snipe's character in the movie.

It is hard having breast cancer. It is difficult feeling like I have to throw off my superwoman cape and trust that my medical team is doing all that they can do to ensure that I come out of this struggle as healthy and whole as I can be. But how much more difficult is it for men to watch the women in their lives struggle with something that they can't fix, or take away? Men are conditioned to desire to take care of the women they love -- daughters, wives, sisters, and friends. But in dealing with breast cancer, they can't DO anything, except be there and be faithful to their love and concern for that woman. And I suppose, pray that their support (in whatever way they give it) is enough to help her get through it all.

I am a daddy's girl. (laughs) We look alike and everything. One of these days I want to sit down with my dad and ask him how he feels about me and his sister struggling with breast cancer. Not sure if I'll get the answers that I'm looking for, but I will ask. Because I really want to know.

Wesley Snipes's character talks about how his wife's struggle with breast cancer inspires him. I have had a few of my male friends tell me that I am their "shero" because of my battle with breast cancer. Everytime one of them tells me that, I squirm a little. I don't feel that I'm doing anything heroic. I am simply trying to survive. But I think that I need to learn to embrace that compliment because it is a rare and beautiful thing indeed.

I think that discovering a strength that I didn't know I had, in the midst of being the frailest I've ever been as an adult is a beautiful thing. I hope that this beauty continues to inspire men to love the women they know (and those they don't know) who are dealing with this illness.

That's all I can really hope for.