I'm watching "Waiting to Exhale"... for the millionth time. I read this book YEARS ago when it came out. And I watched the movie when it came out a few years later. I remember thinking then that the story was overly dramatic. And for a woman in her 20's... it was. (laughs)
Now, as I watch it from an older woman's perspective I appreciate so much more of the story. I better understand the nuances of the friendships and the angst that each woman is going through. But... this post isn't totally about Waiting to Exhale... as it is about one small character. A character you never see, never hear from but who just made me pause for a moment of reflection. Breast cancer.
Wesley Snipes plays a character who is married to a woman dying of breast cancer. The last few times I've watched this movie, I've been really drawn to his character and his relationship with his wife. Even though he meets Angela Bassett in a hotel bar and basically begins an emotional relationship with her... he comes off (a little) like a victim in the movie. Because his wife is dying of breast cancer.
He speaks of her with reverence and love. He talks about her struggle, her efforts to be strong for him. He doesn't apologize for her illness or make excuses for loving her. Neither does he make excuses for not wanting to divorce her.
Its admirable and disconcerting.
Life is full of so many gray areas. Watching a man (even a fictitious character) engage with a woman who isn't his wife -- yet not feeling any anger toward him for finding a way to meet his own needs is odd. You're supposed to dislike the man who cheats on his wife. But somehow I can't do that. He's so human, so raw and so very open -- I find it fascinating and enthralling. To know that a man can love a woman that much, that even in her darkest hour he sees some beauty within her is nice.
At one point in the movie, he sends a love letter to Angela Bassett basically talking about his love for his wife. I know, crazy huh? But it works.
I hate that cancer and specifically breast cancer is like the great 'boogey man' in so many stories and movies. It makes it that much harder to cope with having the disease. Breast cancer is like a ghost who is constantly whipping my behind... and I can't swing back, can't really defend myself against the attacks. But I feel the after effects every day.
For a few weeks now I have wanted to write a post about how men love their women through their breast cancer struggles. I can "see" how my father, male friends, male relatives and even my ex-boyfriend struggle to cope with my illness. But I do not really know what goes on in their minds.
I met a guy on-line -- through a friend's suggestion because his mother is a breast cancer survivor and is currently in treatment for ovarian cancer -- who makes me pause often to think about just how hard this disease is on the men in a breast cancer patient's life. I've never met him, probably never will, but there is a reverence that exists in emails to me regarding his mother's journey with cancer that reminds me of my dad and my male friends a little.
Its difficult to explain really. I also met a man (a minister) on twitter whose wife has breast cancer. She just started her chemo and he posts every so often about how she's doing and what she's going through. His posts have that same awe in them that reminds me of Wesley Snipe's character in the movie.
It is hard having breast cancer. It is difficult feeling like I have to throw off my superwoman cape and trust that my medical team is doing all that they can do to ensure that I come out of this struggle as healthy and whole as I can be. But how much more difficult is it for men to watch the women in their lives struggle with something that they can't fix, or take away? Men are conditioned to desire to take care of the women they love -- daughters, wives, sisters, and friends. But in dealing with breast cancer, they can't DO anything, except be there and be faithful to their love and concern for that woman. And I suppose, pray that their support (in whatever way they give it) is enough to help her get through it all.
I am a daddy's girl. (laughs) We look alike and everything. One of these days I want to sit down with my dad and ask him how he feels about me and his sister struggling with breast cancer. Not sure if I'll get the answers that I'm looking for, but I will ask. Because I really want to know.
Wesley Snipes's character talks about how his wife's struggle with breast cancer inspires him. I have had a few of my male friends tell me that I am their "shero" because of my battle with breast cancer. Everytime one of them tells me that, I squirm a little. I don't feel that I'm doing anything heroic. I am simply trying to survive. But I think that I need to learn to embrace that compliment because it is a rare and beautiful thing indeed.
I think that discovering a strength that I didn't know I had, in the midst of being the frailest I've ever been as an adult is a beautiful thing. I hope that this beauty continues to inspire men to love the women they know (and those they don't know) who are dealing with this illness.
That's all I can really hope for.
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