Living with "30"

I've hesitated to write this blog posting for awhile. Not completely sure why but now is a good time to get it out.

You may remember that I wanted to talk to my oncologist about my chances for cancer recurrence. When Fran died, it took a lot of wind out of me. This sister was set to guide me through this maze of confusion and she passed away before we had a chance to meet. It still makes me cry to think about how fast she was gone. Never met her and she has impacted my life in a major way.

Prior to Fran's death, I knew that for some of us on the cancer journey it might become a repeat performance. But I wasn't intimately snuggled with that knowledge... in my heart, I mean. I knew it logically but in my heart it still was a distant thought. (much like breast cancer was a year ago) Fran's death changed the deal for me and I needed to know more about cancer coming back to my body.

My first meeting with Dr. S was sidetracked because I mentioned my back pain and he and his staff got off on that tangent. You'll be happy to know that my current back pain and spasms have nothing to do with cancer. It seems that I have a touch of arthritis.

...sigh. (laughs)

On my second visit to Dr. S, to discuss all the tests he made me take, I remembered to ask him about my chances for recurrence. Normally, Dr. S is a very happy kind of guy. But my question made him pause. He looked at my paperwork for a long time. I don't know if he was trying to get his words right or actually reading up on my history.

But he told me that I have a 30% chance of recurrence. He said that because I responded so well to the chemotherapy he felt that I would do well but he also said that he couldn't lie to me and tell me that there wasn't a possibility at all.

At the time, I shed a couple of tears but I felt a bit relieved. I thought all that day that "I could live with 30". My mom and I discussed it and she felt that (to paraphrase) it was time for me to take the training wheels off and live life full out. (She didn't say that exactly, but that's how I interpreted it)

Whatever it is that I want to do... I need to do it. A 30% chance of recurrence isn't bad. Its better than a 70% chance, you know? But there is definitely a chance that I'll be fighting this battle again.

I'm not sure how I feel about that. With my cancer-verisary coming up on the 30th and the knowledge that its really true that my life will never go back to the way it was... I think that I can live with 30.

Its better odds than I have of hitting the lottery... and I keep wishing for that to happen. :) So we'll see.

...as for this arthritis thing. (rolling eyes) Lawd... if it ain't one thing, its another. (remember that song by Richard Dimples Fields?) But like my momma told me, we can live with arthritis. Life might get a little uncomfortable but you can live through that. If it ain't one thing, its another.