Dating chronicles: My date with Urkel (not his real name)

Well, I decided a few months ago to take a break from dating for an undetermined length of time. I got through the holidays just fine and all was well. Not dating was fine. I still went out (alone and with friends), I still had a good time when I was out. I just didn't accept any dates.

So, just as the new year kicked off, I decided that taking myself out of the game wasn't the smartest strategy for finding love. (laughs) I opened my mind (and my heart) to the possibility of dating and maybe finding love again.

Hmm... I bet you can guess where this is heading, right?

I have an online dating profile and wow. To say that it has been interesting, would be a major understatement. It is funny and yet disheartening that simply connecting with someone can be so very challenging. So, after deleting message after message after message for months and months and months... I received a message from someone that seemed promising.

He was able to introduce himself and express himself well. He seemed...well normal. In a sea of strange, abnormal, and downright weird folks on dating sites, his normalcy was very refreshing. When he didn't press me too hard for conversation, was open to texting for awhile... I thought, "this could be a cool new friendship."  Long story short, after exchanging texts for awhile, he asked me to dinner. That's where things started to get sketchy.

I know that I can be a bit aggressive but when it comes to dating and such...so I try to pull back a bit so that my personality doesn't overwhelm others who may be a bit more reserved or shy. Well, it turns out that the guy I connected with on-line was a bit shy.

Sigh.

If you don't know by now... I do NOT like to date the shy guy. I really don't. And its not a diss to the many shy male friends that I have -- and I do have quite a few. But, I'm an outgoing and gregarious chick. I make friends everywhere I go. I like talking to people and its second nature for me to do so. None of that ever sits well with the "shy guy".  But... since Nic is opening herself up to love and be loved... silly rules like "don't date the shy guy" have to fall by the wayside. They just interfere with the flow of things.

So, my date asked me out. (That was a plus) And he suggested a date and a time. (That also was a plus) But... he could not seem to make the next step and actually figure out somewhere to go. Sigh. (personal pet peeve #1 -- don't ask me out and have no plan) So after going back and forth for two days, I suggested a nice restaurant that was in a very easily accessible location, with a pretty generic menu and that would be quiet enough that we could hear each other talk without shouting. The restaurant wasn't super expensive -- at least I didn't consider it one of the more pricey restaurants that we have in town. And I know that the food was well prepared, fresh and tasty. I thought I made a good choice. I picked a restaurant that was not super-casual but not super-formal. Because my date was close to my age, I tried to select an environment that I thought would be reflective of a place that we both would enjoy and that wouldn't be peppered with rude kids or poorly trained staff. Again, I put quite a bit of thought into my selection. And I tried not to be annoyed that I was planning the date that he asked me on.

I arrived a bit early (which for me is amazing because I'm almost always late everywhere I go) and I sat at the bar and had a drink. Now, work with me. I had the equivalent of a blind date. I had seen pictures of him online but I had never talked to him on the phone and I had no idea if he would look like his pictures or not.

He did. Sort of. He was about 3 inches shorter than I expected. *shrug*  Not a huge deal but definitely something that I took notice of. (pet peeve #2 -- people who misrepresent themselves) He was ok looking. Like, he didn't make me want to run away, and he didn't make me melt either. He was very much like Steve Urkel honestly. But, he seemed pleasant enough so... I decided to make a new friend, get through dinner and then reassess later on.

Blah, blah, blah. We're getting along ok through dinner. Our waiter was absolutely fabulous and quite chatty. Personally, I found it nice and refreshing. I thought that my date was as entertained as I was.

First snag. My date only eats meat and potatoes. Now... while the restaurant that I chose specialized in American cuisine, they actually did not have a meal on the menu that was JUST meat and potatoes. Sigh. (pet peeve #3 -- if you know that you have a challenging palate, or allergies, please make that clear when plans are being made) But, our ever so handy waiter eventually worked it out so that my date got his well-done steak (gag) and potatoes. With no greenery whatsoever. *eye roll*  The one good thing was that we drank the same alcohol, so we did have that in common. As we chatted about who we were and what our lives were like... he made a comment that made me sit back in my chair. He said to me that in all of his life (this guy was about 43 or so) he had never EVER walked up to a woman and introduced himself and asked her name.

*blink, blink*

Ever, ever? No. Never.

Sigh. Y'all know that this was a BAD SIGN, right?

He then told me that he was extremely shy. (RED FLAG!) He was too afraid to speak to women directly so he preferred online dating. (RED FLAG!) Mind you... this gentleman was divorced and had a young son. I honestly could not wrap my brain around the notion that someone who was adult, intelligent, articulate, reasonably accomplished... did not have the balls to just say hello to someone. To me, that smacked of an issue that could easily be something quite serious but I didn't press the issue. I tried not to be too judgemental because I figured that maybe there was a logical reason why he was incapable of speaking to people.

So... during the course of dinner... our waiter would stop by ever so often -- he was quite attentive without being intrusive -- and check on us. And he kept striking up random and rather innocent conversation with us and with the table beside us. Well... long story short... between the two tables and the waiter, we became engaged in an interesting conversation about dating in DC. The waiter was a young man in his 20's, new to the area and he was having difficulty finding women that he felt were suitable. He tells this story about how he planned this really wonderful date for a young lady -- ice skating in the Sculpture Garden and dinner at Wolfgang Puck's new restaurant -- but the young lady decided that she didn't want to do that. She wanted to go to Hooter's instead.

*side eye*

(Laughs) Me and the lady at the next table just gasped at the foolishness... and then proceeded to explain to the young man that there was nothing wrong with the date that he planned and we both encouraged him to continue to plan really nice and thoughtful dates like that. Because we both felt that women really do appreciate those types of dates. The three of us rattled on for a few minutes about the minefield of dating in DC and how it could be treacherous but didn't have to be... and then he was off doing whatever it is that waiters do when they aren't bringing you your food.

Meanwhile, my date had gotten really quiet. I tried to find out what was bothering him but he just said he was tired. And then the meal was over and we were pretty much done after that. Was it the best date I ever had? Not even close. But it certainly wasn't the worst. At that point. He offered to take me home -- I refused -- and then he said that he would text me in the morning. Which he did.

At 5:30a.m. I received a picture text of him. He was naked from the waist up. *side eye*  Now, I'll tell you this... we had NO type of conversation that could have even remotely been able to be construed as sexual in any form. We were not even close to that page. But in the wee hours of the morning, he sends me a picture of himself half naked. I didn't understand it. I replied with a cheery "Good morning" and then after I thought about it for a moment, I figured maybe he wanted a picture of me. So I sent some random picture of myself -- just a headshot -- with some makeup and without my glasses.

Fast forward to the afternoon. I get a text message from him about 3pm that explains why he suddenly got silent at the dinner table the night before. This guy proceeded to tell me that he felt that the waiter and I had gotten too chatty and we "exchanged personal information". Sigh. Basically ol' boy was mad because the waiter said that he liked to date older women. And I replied (being an older woman), that it wasn't unusual in this town that young men and older women got together. It was very common. And if that was his preference then he needed to stop wasting time dating young women his age, and go after women that were older because very likely they would be open to it.

Now... I will accept that maybe that seemed out of order. (Well, actually no, I won't accept that) But I wasn't hitting on the waiter and the waiter wasn't hitting on me. We were just having random conversation. But since my date was a social retard (can you use that word?)... he had no idea that two people could chat about nothing in general and it mean absolutely nothing.

So, he was mad. And it took him a total of 18 hours to muster up the courage to tell me that I upset him. I'm guessing that he had some help in coming up with that reason to not choose to see me again (laughs) because he had explained to me that he had a group of women at work (subordinates) who counseled him on dating in DC. Mind you, he got married here (laughs) but these women felt that they could help him find the one. Because I am a veteran dater, I asked him whether he was interested in any of these ladies or if they had interest in him and he denied both. But I've been to the rodeo a few times and I'm pretty sure that somebody looked at the GSA schedule and figured out what he earns and decided that his next wife needed to come from within his agency and not from the dating site. I was ambushed by the war counsel at work. (laughs)  Dating in this town can be treacherous. But its okay. I was momentarily annoyed and then I realized that he (and they) had done me an amazing favor. I wished him well and promptly deleted his number.

It wasn't the best date of the new year, but it was the first date of the new year. And it set the tone for me of what NOT to deal with as the year progresses. I used to be pretty harsh and quick about cutting off people that I felt I had nothing in common with... and I've decided that I need to stick with that. It works for me.

I knew from the beginning that we were going to have difficulties. I have to tell you, the inability to speak to women bothered me. No one should be so inept that they cannot say hello to someone that they find attractive. He was challenged when we discussed my cancer experience. He was speechless when he realized that I blogged about my life with breast cancer. And I know that he would not have been able to deal with me always talking to people about my life, my cancer and myself. That was far outside of his comfort zone. And it wold have been far outside of mine to restrain myself from being the outgoing and personable woman that I am, just so that his feelings weren't hurt as I engaged with people.

I have read on a few breast cancer sites that other survivors suggest waiting weeks or even months before discussing that you are a breast cancer survivor. For me, that is difficult because I wear my "Survivor" necklace proudly every day. And I am equally proud of my blog and my life post-cancer. To hide that, to me, would be the equivalent of trying to hide my brown skin. Its just not possible. I am who I am and a big part of who I am is what I've been through. My experience with breast cancer has changed my life. I wouldn't trade any part of that journey now.

So, I will keep dating. Though... no more internet dating. But I've been having an interesting year so far. Some good dates... some interesting prospects.

Giving up dating... and wishing

My insomnia is back and my nightsweats aren't helping. I'm back to living in an upside down world, time-wise. The only good thing about being up when everyone else is not is that it gives me a lot of time and quiet to think and to write. I will be honest, sometimes I don't want to think too much. Somedays -- sometimes for weeks on end -- I do everything in my power to keep from experiencing any long stretches of silence or quiet. I know its not the best thing to do, but sometimes its all I can do to keep the nightmares away or the fears.

I still cry a bit. But, like I said, I have been thinking a lot and asking myself tough questions. The result was an epiphany that left me feeling a little strange and a lot free-er. I've decided to put a moratorium on dating.

Ha! Funny, right? The girl who dreams of having a baby doesn't want to date anymore? Yep. That's pretty much where I am right now.

I got here -- as usual -- by some convoluted way. Months ago I joined a few online dating sites. Actually, now that I think about it, maybe I joined a year ago. I don't know, not really remembering clearly. At any rate... I've had some HORRIBLE matches pop up. I mean, utter foolishness for real. Its rather disappointing that there are so many frogs out there. Probably princes for some other princesses... but for me? Nothing. Anyhoo... the other day I was asking myself what I really wanted out of this life. Did I want to get married? Did I want to write? Flee the country? Something else? Or nothing else? And while I was thinking this way, I received an email that I had new messages on my profile. And as I was reading the messages, I just stopped for a moment and asked myself why in the world I was torturing myself this way...

He ain't here. (or maybe I don't have the required patience)

Now, please understand. I do not have a problem with internet dating. I've done it many times over the years and have actually met some nice guys. Dated one guy for a couple of years that I met online. So, I don't think that online dating is a bad thing and I'm not against it at all. But as I was reading the messages -- and most of them were lame as hell -- I just got weak. I mean literally, I felt the wind just seep out of me and all I kept thinking was... is this it? Is this what I've reduced myself to? Hoping and wishing that Prince Charming shows up online, or at a party, or heck at a sandwich shop when I'm going about my business? THIS is what it comes down to? I fought through all that sickness and fear just to end up still living on a wish and a hope that someone will notice me? Pass.

I know that I'm not every guy's cup of tea. And honestly, that's cool because there are a lot of guys out there who do not float my boat either. But this sitting around and waiting... This hoping and wishing... Ick! Its not me. I'm not feeling it. I hate when I try to force myself into an opening that doesn't feel comfortable simply because I think its the right thing to do. The truth is that I'm still trying out this new "normal"... and I'm going to keep bumping into walls and spaces that don't quite fit anymore. But I need to "feel" something... feel good, feel alive... just FEEL. And looking at static pictures on a website has no feeling at all.

I'm no longer ashamed of telling guys that I'm a breast cancer survivor. I don't get annoyed or angry if they react poorly or decide to stop talking to me, or stop calling... Eh. Their loss. But I really am not feeling (at this moment) this passive role that I've fallen into. Its all my fault. I blame myself. I reasoned that if I really wanted to get married, I had to push myself out there and make contacts with guys. But the way that I chose to go about it was wack.
So, for a time... maybe through the fall and winter... I'm going to take dating off the table. If I meet someone and I want to hang out, I'll do that. But nothing serious. No strings. Just fun. Just laughter. Just feeling...

Dating chronicles: meeting men on the internet... who are these people?

Okay, so you know I've been home recuperating from my reconstruction for a bit. The internet has been my way of exploring the world from the comfort of home. After a few (and I mean just a few) dates last year, I decided that I needed to be a bit more proactive about meeting guys. I needed a strategy and I needed to implement that plan. So, I decided to open my mind and revisit internet dating.

Um. Yeah. (confused face) Madness.

So, the cool thing about internet dating is that you can look at the pictures from the comfort of your home and decide quickly whether or not someone interests you. Its easy. And the instant gratification that comes when they respond to you is a good feeling. Unless the person who reaches out to you is a bit... well, different... from your normal interests.

First example of... not quite right. Attractive guy, close to my age, in my metropolitan area... seems cool. I looked at his picture when it came up in the rotation -- didn't comment or anything but thought to myself that he wasn't hard on the eyes. He was rather cute actually. But for some reason, I had a feeling that he wouldn't be feeling me. (This was shortly after my surgery and I was feeling a bit unpretty and very much like damaged goods) I thought it was a good sign when he tagged me to chat and wanted to get to know me.

After we got past the name introductions, he tells me... "I like women who have your look".

(What does that mean?)

I asked him if he meant that he liked women with short haircuts. He responded that no, that wasn't what he meant. He meant that I looked "open" and he liked women who were open.

Wait... what?

Again, not understanding what this dude is saying... I asked him what he meant by open. His response... "a woman who looks open to men and women".

Now... y'all know I am very straight. (and if you didn't know, now you do) But I am very big on building relationships between women (friendships and business relationships) and I believe that quality friendships can enrich your life in multiple ways. But, I'm not naive... I didn't think that he meant he could see in my shining smile that I liked linking good people with good people. I just had never spoken to anyone who thought that I looked bisexual. It was a shocker to me.

I responded... "just to clarify, I'm very heterosexual and I'm cool with that" and he responded "great". He then procedes to tell me that women who are very open are cool with him because he's very open.

Ruh roh. (Scooby doo voice)  Spidey senses are going off and I can practically see fireworks behind my eyelids... (sigh) Exactly what is this guy trying to tell me?

Me:  "what do you mean by that?"
Him: well... I like to have bj's by white guys.
Me:  blink blink - dead silence.
Me:  silent
Me:  silent
Me:  okay... what exactly do you mean?
Him: I like to have white men service me with oral sex (okay, that's not exactly what he said but I'm trying to clean it up since this is the internet)
Me: (thinking... what in the holy h*ll have I stumbled into?)
Me:  Oh really? Well, that's um, interesting.
Him:  yeah, I think its pretty cool. I like it a lot.
Me:  so... do you identify as gay or bisexual or what exactly?
Him:  oh no. I'm straight. I'm here looking for a long-term relationship with a woman.
Me:  blink blink - dead silence
Me:  sigh. How's that?
Him:  well, I don't have sex with men and I'm not attracted to them in any way but I like the power I feel when they want me and want to service me that way.

Okay... at this point, I'm wondering what I did in my past lives to have earned this sort of foolishness when I was earnestly trying to meet someone nice. I mean... I'm a good person, I love the Lord, I pray and read my bible. I'm a little behind on my tithing but hey... overall, I'm a good girl. So, why is this freak-dude on my computer telling me this weirdness? What sort of twisted punishment is this? (shrug) Don't even know. However, since I'm so curious about people and what drives them... I was compelled to ask a whole lot of questions because I knew that I would never talk to this guy again in my life.

So I keep going.

Me:  hmm... so why white guys? If its not a physical attraction, then what is it?
Him:  I feel like its payback for racism.
Me:  (thinking -- this dude is a moron for real) "Really now, that's interesting."
Him:  so... does that bother you?
Me:  (screaming inside... HELL YES!)
Me:  um, no. I mean, its your life that you're living. If you're happy with the choice then great.
Him:  cool... see, I knew you were open. (laughs)
Me:  (thinking -- man, you have no idea how closed and uptight I really am)
Me:  well, not really. I'm not that open-minded but I do accept that people have to do what makes them happy -- even if its not something I would do myself.
Him:  would you have a problem with this if we were to date?
Me: (again, screaming on the inside)  well, it would depend on the nature of our relationship. If we were platonic friends -- non-sexual friends -- nope. Your sex life is your business. But if we were to consider dating, then yes. Its a deal breaker for me. I couldn't comfortably date a man who was bisexual.
Him:  I'm not bisexual. I just do this "thing" from time to time. Its payback.
Me:  oh, my bad. I understand.

And I do (well sort of) understand. I understand that there are people who engage in same sex relations but who do not subscribe to the belief that they are gay or bisexual in any way. I don't really agree with the notion but then, I'm not into same sex love personally.

What surprised me -- beyond the admission of this weird prediliction for strange reverse racism sexual role play -- was that he told me this without coersion, immediately following the "my name is" portion of the conversation. I'm not sure why he felt so comfortable with sharing something so personal but I have to say it dinged my self-esteem in a major way. I was sick/sad/upset for a couple of weeks after this conversation.

Why? Because I internalized that his decision to find a girlfriend who was open to his lifestyle choices meant that I was someone who came across as "easy" or sexually loose -- neither of which are actually true. Now that weeks have passed since this conversation, I realize just how crazy I was to even think that way.

Having breast cancer as a single girl is damaging to the self-esteem. I cannot over state that. However, this guy's personal sexual choices are not a reflection on me nor are they a statement that I'm damaged goods only worthy of someone I'm so very incompatible with.

You would be surprised at just how long it took me to come to that level of understanding. In hindsight, the story was funny. I did ask him whether he had met a lot of women who were comfortable with his non-mainstream interests. He wouldn't answer. He did say that it was probably more than I would expect.

Wow.  Who knew?

I didn't immediately quit the dating site. I thought that he had to be an anomaly and I figured that there had to be better out there. Of course, you know my luck isn't that great so... there are more stories to follow. I left after a couple of weeks because the responses I was getting weren't really of the quality I was seeking and the site wasn't free. I didn't see the point of paying to meet losers. So I bounced.

I'll tell you about the spanker in the next episode of my dating with cancer chronicles.

Let me add... I never even took the time to explain to him that I was a breast cancer survivor. I hesitated in the beginning because I thought it was a liability and he would run screaming away. And then, well, the craziness started and I didn't see the point in sharing my stuff when his was so much more interesting.

Anybody else out there experiencing interesting connections on-line?