Giving up dating... and wishing

My insomnia is back and my nightsweats aren't helping. I'm back to living in an upside down world, time-wise. The only good thing about being up when everyone else is not is that it gives me a lot of time and quiet to think and to write. I will be honest, sometimes I don't want to think too much. Somedays -- sometimes for weeks on end -- I do everything in my power to keep from experiencing any long stretches of silence or quiet. I know its not the best thing to do, but sometimes its all I can do to keep the nightmares away or the fears.

I still cry a bit. But, like I said, I have been thinking a lot and asking myself tough questions. The result was an epiphany that left me feeling a little strange and a lot free-er. I've decided to put a moratorium on dating.

Ha! Funny, right? The girl who dreams of having a baby doesn't want to date anymore? Yep. That's pretty much where I am right now.

I got here -- as usual -- by some convoluted way. Months ago I joined a few online dating sites. Actually, now that I think about it, maybe I joined a year ago. I don't know, not really remembering clearly. At any rate... I've had some HORRIBLE matches pop up. I mean, utter foolishness for real. Its rather disappointing that there are so many frogs out there. Probably princes for some other princesses... but for me? Nothing. Anyhoo... the other day I was asking myself what I really wanted out of this life. Did I want to get married? Did I want to write? Flee the country? Something else? Or nothing else? And while I was thinking this way, I received an email that I had new messages on my profile. And as I was reading the messages, I just stopped for a moment and asked myself why in the world I was torturing myself this way...

He ain't here. (or maybe I don't have the required patience)

Now, please understand. I do not have a problem with internet dating. I've done it many times over the years and have actually met some nice guys. Dated one guy for a couple of years that I met online. So, I don't think that online dating is a bad thing and I'm not against it at all. But as I was reading the messages -- and most of them were lame as hell -- I just got weak. I mean literally, I felt the wind just seep out of me and all I kept thinking was... is this it? Is this what I've reduced myself to? Hoping and wishing that Prince Charming shows up online, or at a party, or heck at a sandwich shop when I'm going about my business? THIS is what it comes down to? I fought through all that sickness and fear just to end up still living on a wish and a hope that someone will notice me? Pass.

I know that I'm not every guy's cup of tea. And honestly, that's cool because there are a lot of guys out there who do not float my boat either. But this sitting around and waiting... This hoping and wishing... Ick! Its not me. I'm not feeling it. I hate when I try to force myself into an opening that doesn't feel comfortable simply because I think its the right thing to do. The truth is that I'm still trying out this new "normal"... and I'm going to keep bumping into walls and spaces that don't quite fit anymore. But I need to "feel" something... feel good, feel alive... just FEEL. And looking at static pictures on a website has no feeling at all.

I'm no longer ashamed of telling guys that I'm a breast cancer survivor. I don't get annoyed or angry if they react poorly or decide to stop talking to me, or stop calling... Eh. Their loss. But I really am not feeling (at this moment) this passive role that I've fallen into. Its all my fault. I blame myself. I reasoned that if I really wanted to get married, I had to push myself out there and make contacts with guys. But the way that I chose to go about it was wack.
So, for a time... maybe through the fall and winter... I'm going to take dating off the table. If I meet someone and I want to hang out, I'll do that. But nothing serious. No strings. Just fun. Just laughter. Just feeling...