My life before cancer was pretty good. I wasn't thrilled with where I was in my life but I was making headway to get those goals accomplished that I thought would bring me joy. I had hope that life was just about to be fantastic! I was looking forward to so many things. Fast forward a few months after my diagnosis and I'm in chemotherapy... trying to rationalize that I have advanced breast cancer and while it was likely that my disease would be treatable, the treatment itself was hard on my body and my spirit.
Along the way... I lost my relationship. I think some of my friendships were strained a bit. My manager at work wasn't as understanding as I thought he could be. I was scared. My money was funny. I was weak and I was having a small crisis of faith too. I simply could not understand what was going on. I kept trying to just go with the flow of it -- because breast cancer treatment can feel like being caught up in a tsunami and hoping that the water throws you up on the beach at the end of the storm but not knowing if it will or not. I was caught up.
So, I created a mental lifeline of looking forward to returning to normal. I wanted to get back to a point in my life where people did not look at me and see a sick person. I wanted to get back to a place where something as simple as getting on the subway and going to dinner with friends was possible. I think a lot about the months of chemotherapy because it was the first part of my breast cancer treatment and also because it was the darkest time for me.
But normal was my lifeline.
Well... those days are long gone and all that is stretching ahead of me is the future. And I'm still looking for normal. Its just not where I left it. And I can't seem to find it at all.
I started reading a book recently that is supposed to help me move forward after surviving cancer. I will be honest, I wasn't really too hopeful that this book would be able to help me. However, I recognize that I sincerely need some assistance because I'm still stumbling and feeling lost a bit. How do you recover the person you once were when everything that kept you walking on solid ground was shaken and taken? How do you not feel utterly vulnerable every day wondering if whatever mysterious genetic/environmental/just plain bad luck vibe that gave you cancer in the first place won't come back?
Some days it is very difficult to put into words what that nagging feeling is in the back of my throat. I hate to admit that I'm still afraid. I was afraid of cancer (like everybody else) before I was diagnosed and even though I feel that I gained a lot and grew as a person throughout my treatment... I'm still afraid of cancer.
That is a difficult admission because I often try to comfort women who are scared of finding a lump and scared of finding out that they have cancer by telling them that they can get through it. I have said that a million times and I believe that its true. Just because your self-exam may reveal a lump doesn't mean that you have cancer. And even if you have cancer, more than likely, you're going to be alright. The treatment itself is hard but its not impossible to get through.
I know that in my head. I know it in my heart. But I still am afraid of cancer. This book though, in the few short pages that I've read so far, has helped me to articulate in my mind where my fear is coming from and I'm hopeful that it will give me the strength and courage to once again open my arms wide to the world and accept all blessings that God has for me.
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