I am a FINALIST!

This post isn't really about breast cancer... and then again... it is. I've been keeping this blog for about two years now. I have been encouraged by many friends to turn the blog into a book. And since I like to write, it makes sense. I decided that I should write a book about my breast cancer journey -- but a separate writing project from the blog. I think it would be the lazy way out (and I'm not above lazy things) to just compile the blog into a book. But I do think that a well-crafted non-fiction story about my journey could be a compelling project.

When the student is ready, the teacher appears.

Have you ever heard that adage "when the student is ready, the teacher appears"?  I recently joined an online community of women writers called "She Writes"... and a few weeks ago they announced a contest for non-fiction writers. The winner of the contest doesn't win any money (darn-it) but they do win some hugely impressive (to me) consultations with a dream team of folks involved in various aspects of publishing -- from editors, to agents, to a life coach and a website consultant and more. However, in order to enter the contest, you had to submit a 10 page book proposal.

Yikes! I've never written a book proposal before. Heck, I've never SEEN a book proposal before. But, I felt that this contest was really calling my name and I knew that it would be good for me to enter. I was scared, actually quite timid feeling about it but it felt so right and the timing was so perfect... I knew that entering was something I needed to do.

Of course, I went through a million shades of fear before I finally settled down and wrote something that was worthy of submission. I clicked send on my entry about 4 minutes before the deadline. But I did it!

Well, the finalists were announced today and I am one of the few. (smile)  I am really thrilled. Nervous too but happy. As much as I love to write, and as often as I am complimented on my writing... I still wonder and worry whether its good enough.

There are a lot of bad writers in the world. Many of them published authors making lots of money. (sigh) I want to be there too. Lots of money and doing something that brings me joy. But I know that good artistry isn't always rewarded the way you would expect.

I won't know whether I have won for another two weeks... but right now, I feel pretty good about taking this big ol' lemon and making it into lemonade. Or maybe lemon pie. Or what about lemon bars?? I love those! (laughs) I'm being silly but I'm happy... and though this post isn't about breast cancer directly, it is about another step in this adventure with cancer.

A year ago, I went to a formal dinner with my mother. It was a fundraiser for the cancer center where I received my treatment. The keynote speaker of the evening was a black woman who was being awarded for her work to raise money for breast cancer patients. She was a lovely woman who was bald from chemotherapy and frail. She was fighting her second battle with breast cancer and as she took the stage, she took my breath away. Not to sound horrible but she looked sick... and yet happy. I could not understand the happy glow that she had. And all I remember from her speech was how she said that breast cancer had been such a blessing in her life.

Keep in mind, at the time of this event I was still sort of bald from my chemotherapy. I had one breast because I had been through my mastectomy. I was weak. I was tired and I think I was in the midst of my radiation treatment. I was, simply put, a hot mess. I remember that I cried in the dressing room at the mall because I kept trying on dresses and nothing looked good. I felt like a monster. So, I'm looking at this woman who represents my nightmare -- me with a second bout of breast cancer -- and she's telling me that she's happy and she's blessed and breast cancer brought so much joy to her life. Even though, as she stood there, she was probably dying... she was happy.

I thought she was crazy. Until today.

I would not wish this journey on my enemy. I just wouldn't. Breast cancer steals a lot from you. It really does. It changes you in ways that you probably didn't want to change and did not expect either. But she's also right in that it blesses you. It awakens something inside of you that makes you try even when you don't want to. Even when you are used to talking yourself out of doing something. Knowing that you made it this far... even through all of your losses, it makes you want to reach out for more. And more. And more. And every time I lose something else... I just reach a little deeper and decide... there's got to be more.

So... I want to say congratulations to the other finalists. And I want to say thank you for the spirited competition from all the entrants. I want to thank the selection committe for thinking that a story about a single girl struggling with breast cancer might make a worthy story.

And I want to thank Fred and Ted and Jim. For showing up unannounced in my body... and waking me up.

I'm still dreaming that this little blog can become a book which can become a movie... and I will ride off into the sunset feeling like I've finally given more to the world than I have taken from it.