My inner sex kitten... is about to make her public debut

This blog started because I was diagnosed with a disease that I honestly thought would kill me. And over the past two years, I have whined and cried and laughed and pondered over all of the minute details of my life. I have mourned the loss of my breasts, cried over my shrinking femininity, shrieked and wailed that I'd never find a man again or fall in love... or *gasp*  get married. I have been sick because of treatment. I have been sick despite treatment. I have taken more pills than I can count... and you know what? I'm still here.

All of that left me changed physically and mentally... left me emotionally drained and in need of constant reassurance that I was "okay"... whether I was cancer free or struggling with the aftermath of breast cancer. There's no doubt about it; Nicole is a very different gal than she used to be.

But I'm also very much the same. Well, not the same... better. More sure of a lot of things -- even while I'm unsure about some of the biggest things in my life. One thing that I am really starting to get (and pardon me for getting this so slowly) is that I am one sexy mugg! (laughs)  I don't mean that in a "see, I told you she thinks she's cute" sort of way. But in a "I know who I am, I know what I am and I'm cool with all of it" kind of way.

The past few days, I have been shown and reminded that every woman has an inner sex kitten that is clamoring to come out and say hello to the world. And that includes myself as well as my pink ribbon sisters in their various stages of healing. When I was bald from the chemo people kept telling me that they thought I was beautiful. I thought they were crazy. Then I agreed with them... and then I thought they were lying again. (laughs) And today... I think they were being kind (maybe too kind) but they were also right. I was beautiful. And I still am.

I'm saying all of this because I want my outward appearance to match the way that I feel inside about myself. Women often let themselves go because they stop having time (or making time) to focus on themselves. Maybe they gain weight after having kids or getting married. They may work too many hours to really focus on eating correctly or working out. You know all of the excuses. But MY biggest excuse was that I had just gone through breast cancer. My body wasn't the same. The period after I lost my breast was devastating. I wondered repeatedly how I would ever feel sexy again. Some days I did, most days I didn't. When I had my reconstruction done, I felt better. But then I realized that I was still going through those roller coaster emotional highs and lows -- one day I felt strong and feminine and sexy and then I felt damaged and broken and ugly. And it went on and on this way for many months.

Exhausting.

The same way that you look at some women and you marvel at how they exude a grace and charm and beauty that defies their age or their size or whether they fit the world's standards of beauty; I have started to marvel at myself. The real revelation came when I met a pink ribbon sister a few weeks ago while I was hanging out at one of my favorite lounges listening to old school hip hop. This sister was beautiful. She was kind and funny and fun... and a survivor like me. And as I chatted with her and looked at her, I realized that despite all that she had been through and was dealing with... her beauty shined like a light. It dawned on me a few days later that breast cancer didn't destroy her beauty and that's when it hit me that it had not destroyed mine either.

*Lightbulb* 

So, if you see me out and about and you notice that I'm dressing a little differently, walking a little differently... I'm switching gears (again). Coming at this life with a new enthusiasm...

Dating chronicles: sigh... it just doesn't get easier

This isn't a rant. Well, not exactly. But it is a notification that I'm just not getting this dating thing right at all. And I'm not alone in this struggle with dating after breast cancer.

I was just reading a breast cancer message board and I got a little sad and a lot angry (again) about being a survivor and being alone. Not to sound too much like a petulant child but... its really not fair.

I am a pretty girl. I am a sexy woman. I am confident in most things and most areas of my life. Even those places where I am slightly confused or less than thrilled... I'm still cool, you know? I have friends who love me. I have family who adores me. And I have a heart as big as the moon and filled with enough love to simply change the structure of a man. I know this.

I KNOW this.

Am I perfect? Well, of course not. To start, I have one real boob and one fake one. I have one nipple. (laughs) I have a zipper like scar rounding my fake breast. I have a scar that stretches from one hip to the other across my lower belly. I also have two tattoos, a few well-positioned moles... and generally speaking, my body is a gorgeous exotic land that I think that a man would love to have and hold every day. If for no other reason than its home to a generous spirit, a loving heart and a sparkling mind. And my imperfections and the way that I embrace them... makes me even more spectacular. At least that's what I think.

But that's just me. (laugh)  How I see myself is certainly not how others see me.

I said all that because when I was reading the topic about dating after breast cancer on the message board, I was (yet again) struck by how many women -- of various ages and races -- are struggling with the collision of body image issues and being open to finding love again. My body image gets better every day and I still struggle with moments of sadness.

One post really made me teary... the writer was an older woman of 61. She was a recent widow and did not have reconstruction when she had her lumpectomy 10 years ago. But now that she was single, she wanted to confront her body image issues and have the reconstruction done. Similarly, another poster was a young woman of 30 and she was absolutely terrified of showing her naked body to anyone. She was going through a cycle of meeting men, going on dates and by the 4th date, she would disappear. Just as things would progress to a more intimate level... she freaked out and just ran off. The "thought" that the man she was dating may one day want to be intimate with her was enough for her to simply disappear from his life and walk away from the chance to be loved.

How deep is that? How deep are these issues of self-esteem and secure body image for survivors?

When you look at yourself in the mirror every day, you cannot help but remember. It is staring back at you as you look at your own reflection. I'm guessing that many survivors probably do as I did for many months... work very hard not to look at their own reflection and try not to focus on the wretched reminders of a hard-fought battle. I perfected the way of looking at only my face and my neck when in the bathroom coming out of the shower or the tub. And would only take in my full image when I was fully clothed.

Sigh. That is not the way to present yourself to the world. If you're afraid of your own reflection, then what you're going to show the world is that fear. And as long as you're afraid, people will be afraid of you.

I do not believe that there is anything wrong with being single. I really don't. Being single gives you opportunities to experience life in a way that can be really fulfilling if you allow it to be. But, I believe that people need people... need to be touched in a loving way regularly. Need to be heard and listened to. And those things can be difficult to have when you're single. So, to go back to my original point... this dating thing is difficult.

The ladies who were struggling with dating post breast cancer treatment were advised to relax, trust their instincts and not to take it personally if a man showed himself to be incapable of dealing with them as survivors. I agree with all of that and still... I find myself wondering each time I date someone and it doesn't quite turn out the way that I'd like, was it the cancer that killed it? Or am I simply unlovable? (yeah, yeah... I know)

I won't go as far as others to say that a man who disappears after learning that you are a breast cancer survivor is no good. I just can't agree with that. But, I will agree that its for the best that he moved on because while you may be like me (feeling sexier everyday in your new body) there are some harsh realities to being a survivor and if he's incapable of dealing, its better to find out early. I think that dating and meeting new people is great. I've had some amazing fun this year the few times that I've opened my heart up and allowed someone in. But (you knew there was a but coming, right)... I am tired. Its starting to feel like I'm reading a map upside down or something. I just don't think I'm going in the right direction at all.

...and then again, maybe I am heading in the right direction. The more I date, the better I become at it. I think. (laughs)

They say that sex is different after breast cancer treatment

Breast cancer is a trip. The tricks that it plays on your mind are vicious and severe. Even after your body has healed from the treatment and the medications and the surgeries... you still may feel unlike yourself. Part of getting back to normal includes dealing with intimacy issues -- including sex but not just sex. It can be very difficult just to be close and intimate with someone. So many fearful thoughts are always just under the surface ready to throw a sister completely off in a moment.

Fighting against the mental images of your body as mutilated and unappealing is really hard.... And adding to the misery are physical symptoms that may really throw you for a loop. You may have to deal with issues of vaginal dryness, loss of sensation (due to damage to nerve endings), early menopause, and other symptoms. And there is also all of the emotional baggage that goes along with breast cancer that can come between a woman and her lusty side finding satisfaction between the sheets.

As we age, our sex life does change and become different. Hopefully the changes are good ones -- mainly because after doing it for awhile, you now know what you're doing and the pleasurable parts are easier to get to. (wink)  But what if you are a sister who is trying to figure out how to get back to being active and lusty after feeling like a pin cushion for breast cancer for a year or two? Or what if you're a married woman who finds that her husband is having a really difficult time being intimate with you now that its time to get down? How do you manage these issues?

You know how? You make a plan. You treat yourself nicely and you take time to learn and relearn your body.

One thing I'm finding really wild is that contrary to what I've been expecting, my sexual libido seems to be getting higher and not lower. Now, there was a long stretch of time when it was non-existent. But those days are gone. Long gone. Long, long LONG gone. (laughs) That's good and its bad. Its good because that means that when I do have sex it isn't painful -- as it is for some women. And if I can manage to relax my mind, it is absolutely enjoyable. I am grateful and thankful for those things. However, I don't think that what I'm experiencing is all that normal. Its great for me but I know a lot of women who don't have this same experience. Many of my pink ribbon sisters struggle with finding their equalibrium sexually and they don't know how to navigate that area of their life anymore.

I will be honest, it requires a level of trust that reminds me of my early days of sexual exploration. The fear that I have sometimes when it comes to a moment of intimacy is palpable. But, I can usually get over it when I remind myself that I've chosen to share myself with someone who cares for me and sees me as beautiful. You would be amazed at how much a compliment from the right guy can turn your whole world around.

In reading different breast cancer message boards and blogs, some of the stories about sex -- rather the lack of sex after breast cancer -- are absolutely heartbreaking. There are women in the world who really feel lost, alone and unlovable after going through the hardest thing they probably have ever experienced. It is really sad and unfair. But I want to offer a little advice and a little hope that your sex life can be resurrected after breast cancer. Because it really can.

First things first... you might want to buy some toys if you don't have any. If you do, then great! Pull 'em out and get reacquainted with yourself. If you don't have any, make it a lusty date and take your man with you to the store so he can help you pick out some stuff. (If that is just too much for you, you can order things from the privacy of your home on-line and have it delivered to your door in non-descript packaging.)

My second suggestions will be to add some sexy clothes/lingerie to your shopping list. Oh, and be sure to get some good lubricants too -- try something new, something flavored perhaps.

Third suggestion... plan a romantic date with yourself. Yes, with yourself. Get some champagne and maybe some chocolate-covered strawberries (okay, that's my personal favorite thing) maybe some pineapple... whatever you like. Put on something that makes you feel sexy -- something soft to the touch preferably -- and then just spend some time remembering what you like and how you feel in your own skin.

A big part of the difficulty with finding your mojo after breast cancer is that after going through months (or years) of treatment, your body simply does not feel the same. You spend doctor visit after doctor visit, flashing your body to strangers. It becomes numbing after awhile. So you have to make an effort to get back to thinking of yourself as a sexy individual and not just a medical case. You're a woman, a beautiful sexy woman who has exhibited more strength than most people can imagine tolerating. You are a hot girl -- you just have to remind yourself of that.

After some time with yourself, make a date with someone you find attractive. (I do mean your spouse if you're married) Don't get too far down the road with it, just see if you have any chemistry. Do you feel anything when you're with him? That sort of thing. Butterflies can show up when you're not expecting them to. You just have to go with the flow.

I'm not going to dictate to you how you should go about having sexual intimacy but I will say that talking will help. Tell your partner if you're feeling scared or vulnerable. It will help ease the tension if he knows that you're not thinking that he's doing poorly (laughs) but instead may be worried about something else. Do as much as you want to do... and nothing that you feel uncomfortable doing.

The reality is that for us single girls, there may be men who don't find you attractive or who don't want to deal with your breast cancer baggage. You know what I'm going to say to that, right? Eff 'em. You don't need THAT guy. The guy you're looking for will look at you and see beauty and tell you that. The guy who really wants to be the one who helps you find your mojo... that's the one you're looking for. Because part of the way that we see beauty in ourselves is to see it in someone else's eyes when they look at us.

Now, let me be honest. The possibilities that sex can be difficult and/or painful does exist. But like every other muscle in your body, you've got to use this one in order for it to stay in top working condition. (laughs) Depending on the type of treatment you've received, you can experience serious dryness issues and even atrophy problems. (yes, that does mean what you think it does) Whatever you're experiencing -- fears, pains, confusion -- you absolutely can and should discuss them with your oncologist or your gynecologist at your next appointment. Getting back into the groove sexually after cancer is difficult. And it does require that you be good to yourself. But it is totally possible.

Totally. (wink)

The itch has been scratched

Let me start by saying that I am truly OVER-SHARING here. I know it. Social media has caught me in its clutches and I’ve become “that girl” who types about every move she makes for someone to see. Twitter, Facebook, Form Spring, Four Square and this blog… have become my extended selves. But it’s not a good look because I’m starting to let the instruments handle me instead of me handling them. All that to say, this will likely be my first and last time posting a message of this kind.

I blame Tamoxifen – and my hormones

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. I’m blaming the medication that I take for the crazy road trip that my hormones have been on for the past few months. Considering that I will be on it for quite some time – another four years – I’m going to have to figure out other ways of handling the disturbances as they come up. By disturbances I mean, absolutely utterly ridiculous you’ve-got-to-be-freaking-kidding-me spells of extreme LUST. I was going to use the “h” word but I think it may be bad language so, we’ll call it lust.

For those who don’t know – maybe you’ve been snoozing under a rock or something – breast cancer killed my sex life. Notice that I didn’t say it killed my sex drive. Now, in all fairness, chemotherapy definitely did play a number on my sex drive. But that’s to be expected. My body was traumatized by all of the drugs I was being given so sex became a distant memory. Didn’t help that immediately following chemotherapy I had a mastectomy which required months of healing… which was followed up with months of radiation therapy. So, I can safely say that for at least 8 months, sex was not on my mind.

However, as my body continued to heal those urges came back. And they came back STRONGLY! I tried to downplay them for a long time because I wasn’t in a relationship any longer and I didn’t feel comfortable showing my new body to a new person. I had a really hard time looking at my chest for many months, I wasn’t ready to reveal that part of myself to someone else. So, more months of no sex. And then one day last summer, I scratched the itch. My mood lightened, I was happier and I honestly think that I may have started to glow (just a little bit).

Notice I said last summer. It is the following spring and that was the last time I scratched that itch. I returned to my life as a survivor. Getting back into the swing of a “normal” life – hanging with friends, going to dinner, going to parties, etc. – but I did not focus on this one aspect of my life. I focused on the emotional part of being lonely and wanting to be in a relationship. But I just sort of ignored my body’s calling for sexual intimacy. I just didn’t want to face that part of my existence. I don’t really know why.

Well, spring is here and this is my favorite season of the year. I love how it feels like the world is coming alive. I love how it makes me feel inside. I’m a spring baby and I love coming alive in my season. When I started feeling those familiar urgings, I knew I was going to have to pay attention to them but I still wasn’t ready to. I did a lot of things to distract myself. I watched movies (you know, the naked kind), I had long talks with myself, I flirted A LOT, and was intimate with myself but that was it.

While I understand (and appreciate) that some people practice celibacy in their lives for various reasons… Nic is not that girl. I like having a healthy sexual appetite and I like sex. A lot.

There. I said it. And I’m not taking it back.

I’m telling you all of this because last night, I scratched the heck out of my itch. I mean… I scratched and scratched and scratched that doggone itch. I think I scratched for about 4 or 5 hours. It was SERIOUS. My partner took a nap in the middle but he woke up and got back to work, scratching my itch. And it was a very good scratch. I am pleased. (I’m tired as heck today but eh… so what?)

Until yesterday afternoon, I wasn’t going to scratch the itch at all. I had decided that it was just better and more appropriate that I continue to ignore all of the signals that my body was giving me and just focus on finding a good, solid relationship. But then, I did something that I realized later on I didn’t want to do. I agreed to go on a date with this guy I met. I met him months ago, but we didn’t really connect. And when I ran into him yesterday, he just looked scrumptious. But I know he’s not that fine. And he’s a little corny. And he seems like a train wreck in the making really… but when he asked me on a date, I said yes immediately.

My judgment was compromised

I don’t know about the rest of you, but when one part of my life is out of balance… everything starts to shift a bit. Because I wouldn’t take ownership of my problem – I needed to have sexual relations – other parts of my life started to shift. I started noticing certain things about myself but I played it off and blamed other things. But when I was in the middle of a conversation with someone I should not have been talking to, and definitely should not have been sharing what I was sharing with that person – I realized that I had started to drift over to the dark side. I was holding on to my standards by the tips of my fingers and they were sliding off slowly. I actually articulated that I knew what I was saying was probably wrong but I could not keep it together enough not to say it. When you can acknowledge that you’re dead-azz wrong and still keep doing the wrong thing, you’ve got to make a change and quickly. After I accepted the date with the guy I had already thrown back in the pond… I realized that I needed my itch scratched. I could not afford to keep playing “nice girl” looking for a boyfriend. I needed to get back in the zone of “pimpin’ ain’t easy” and quick.

(I thought that girl died off years ago… but no. She’s still around.) I got past my insecurities about my body. I got past my insecurities that he wouldn’t want me. I got past my insecurities about “we’re not a couple” and I got down with the get-down. Repeatedly.

(shrug) It is what it is.

I’ve been following a conversation on a breast cancer message board for months. The topic is about dating after reconstruction and each time someone chimes in, I realize that I’m watching myself through other people. All of these women – smart, funny, strong, beautiful women of various ages and ethnicities – are afraid that they may never have sex again. May never be intimate with a man again. Feeling like they are less than gorgeous, less than wonderful and all because of breast cancer. These women have the same fears that I do, the same hormonal issues that I do, the same desires that I do but many of them are so afraid of rejection that they are not putting themselves out there. That makes me sad. It actually made me mad because I realized that until I put the ball in motion (pun not intended) the game would not move forward.

I apologize to everyone who witnessed my facebook craziness last night. Everything that I do does not belong on social media that way. However, I am not apologetic about scratching my itch with someone I trust. If I had not done that, I might have ended up scratching with someone I didn’t know just because he was cute or something lame like that.

I am officially a cougar now. J  And I think I like it.

Dating chronicles: meeting men on the internet... who are these people?

Okay, so you know I've been home recuperating from my reconstruction for a bit. The internet has been my way of exploring the world from the comfort of home. After a few (and I mean just a few) dates last year, I decided that I needed to be a bit more proactive about meeting guys. I needed a strategy and I needed to implement that plan. So, I decided to open my mind and revisit internet dating.

Um. Yeah. (confused face) Madness.

So, the cool thing about internet dating is that you can look at the pictures from the comfort of your home and decide quickly whether or not someone interests you. Its easy. And the instant gratification that comes when they respond to you is a good feeling. Unless the person who reaches out to you is a bit... well, different... from your normal interests.

First example of... not quite right. Attractive guy, close to my age, in my metropolitan area... seems cool. I looked at his picture when it came up in the rotation -- didn't comment or anything but thought to myself that he wasn't hard on the eyes. He was rather cute actually. But for some reason, I had a feeling that he wouldn't be feeling me. (This was shortly after my surgery and I was feeling a bit unpretty and very much like damaged goods) I thought it was a good sign when he tagged me to chat and wanted to get to know me.

After we got past the name introductions, he tells me... "I like women who have your look".

(What does that mean?)

I asked him if he meant that he liked women with short haircuts. He responded that no, that wasn't what he meant. He meant that I looked "open" and he liked women who were open.

Wait... what?

Again, not understanding what this dude is saying... I asked him what he meant by open. His response... "a woman who looks open to men and women".

Now... y'all know I am very straight. (and if you didn't know, now you do) But I am very big on building relationships between women (friendships and business relationships) and I believe that quality friendships can enrich your life in multiple ways. But, I'm not naive... I didn't think that he meant he could see in my shining smile that I liked linking good people with good people. I just had never spoken to anyone who thought that I looked bisexual. It was a shocker to me.

I responded... "just to clarify, I'm very heterosexual and I'm cool with that" and he responded "great". He then procedes to tell me that women who are very open are cool with him because he's very open.

Ruh roh. (Scooby doo voice)  Spidey senses are going off and I can practically see fireworks behind my eyelids... (sigh) Exactly what is this guy trying to tell me?

Me:  "what do you mean by that?"
Him: well... I like to have bj's by white guys.
Me:  blink blink - dead silence.
Me:  silent
Me:  silent
Me:  okay... what exactly do you mean?
Him: I like to have white men service me with oral sex (okay, that's not exactly what he said but I'm trying to clean it up since this is the internet)
Me: (thinking... what in the holy h*ll have I stumbled into?)
Me:  Oh really? Well, that's um, interesting.
Him:  yeah, I think its pretty cool. I like it a lot.
Me:  so... do you identify as gay or bisexual or what exactly?
Him:  oh no. I'm straight. I'm here looking for a long-term relationship with a woman.
Me:  blink blink - dead silence
Me:  sigh. How's that?
Him:  well, I don't have sex with men and I'm not attracted to them in any way but I like the power I feel when they want me and want to service me that way.

Okay... at this point, I'm wondering what I did in my past lives to have earned this sort of foolishness when I was earnestly trying to meet someone nice. I mean... I'm a good person, I love the Lord, I pray and read my bible. I'm a little behind on my tithing but hey... overall, I'm a good girl. So, why is this freak-dude on my computer telling me this weirdness? What sort of twisted punishment is this? (shrug) Don't even know. However, since I'm so curious about people and what drives them... I was compelled to ask a whole lot of questions because I knew that I would never talk to this guy again in my life.

So I keep going.

Me:  hmm... so why white guys? If its not a physical attraction, then what is it?
Him:  I feel like its payback for racism.
Me:  (thinking -- this dude is a moron for real) "Really now, that's interesting."
Him:  so... does that bother you?
Me:  (screaming inside... HELL YES!)
Me:  um, no. I mean, its your life that you're living. If you're happy with the choice then great.
Him:  cool... see, I knew you were open. (laughs)
Me:  (thinking -- man, you have no idea how closed and uptight I really am)
Me:  well, not really. I'm not that open-minded but I do accept that people have to do what makes them happy -- even if its not something I would do myself.
Him:  would you have a problem with this if we were to date?
Me: (again, screaming on the inside)  well, it would depend on the nature of our relationship. If we were platonic friends -- non-sexual friends -- nope. Your sex life is your business. But if we were to consider dating, then yes. Its a deal breaker for me. I couldn't comfortably date a man who was bisexual.
Him:  I'm not bisexual. I just do this "thing" from time to time. Its payback.
Me:  oh, my bad. I understand.

And I do (well sort of) understand. I understand that there are people who engage in same sex relations but who do not subscribe to the belief that they are gay or bisexual in any way. I don't really agree with the notion but then, I'm not into same sex love personally.

What surprised me -- beyond the admission of this weird prediliction for strange reverse racism sexual role play -- was that he told me this without coersion, immediately following the "my name is" portion of the conversation. I'm not sure why he felt so comfortable with sharing something so personal but I have to say it dinged my self-esteem in a major way. I was sick/sad/upset for a couple of weeks after this conversation.

Why? Because I internalized that his decision to find a girlfriend who was open to his lifestyle choices meant that I was someone who came across as "easy" or sexually loose -- neither of which are actually true. Now that weeks have passed since this conversation, I realize just how crazy I was to even think that way.

Having breast cancer as a single girl is damaging to the self-esteem. I cannot over state that. However, this guy's personal sexual choices are not a reflection on me nor are they a statement that I'm damaged goods only worthy of someone I'm so very incompatible with.

You would be surprised at just how long it took me to come to that level of understanding. In hindsight, the story was funny. I did ask him whether he had met a lot of women who were comfortable with his non-mainstream interests. He wouldn't answer. He did say that it was probably more than I would expect.

Wow.  Who knew?

I didn't immediately quit the dating site. I thought that he had to be an anomaly and I figured that there had to be better out there. Of course, you know my luck isn't that great so... there are more stories to follow. I left after a couple of weeks because the responses I was getting weren't really of the quality I was seeking and the site wasn't free. I didn't see the point of paying to meet losers. So I bounced.

I'll tell you about the spanker in the next episode of my dating with cancer chronicles.

Let me add... I never even took the time to explain to him that I was a breast cancer survivor. I hesitated in the beginning because I thought it was a liability and he would run screaming away. And then, well, the craziness started and I didn't see the point in sharing my stuff when his was so much more interesting.

Anybody else out there experiencing interesting connections on-line?