I was just reading a breast cancer message board and I got a little sad and a lot angry (again) about being a survivor and being alone. Not to sound too much like a petulant child but... its really not fair.
I am a pretty girl. I am a sexy woman. I am confident in most things and most areas of my life. Even those places where I am slightly confused or less than thrilled... I'm still cool, you know? I have friends who love me. I have family who adores me. And I have a heart as big as the moon and filled with enough love to simply change the structure of a man. I know this.
I KNOW this.
Am I perfect? Well, of course not. To start, I have one real boob and one fake one. I have one nipple. (laughs) I have a zipper like scar rounding my fake breast. I have a scar that stretches from one hip to the other across my lower belly. I also have two tattoos, a few well-positioned moles... and generally speaking, my body is a gorgeous exotic land that I think that a man would love to have and hold every day. If for no other reason than its home to a generous spirit, a loving heart and a sparkling mind. And my imperfections and the way that I embrace them... makes me even more spectacular. At least that's what I think.
But that's just me. (laugh) How I see myself is certainly not how others see me.
I said all that because when I was reading the topic about dating after breast cancer on the message board, I was (yet again) struck by how many women -- of various ages and races -- are struggling with the collision of body image issues and being open to finding love again. My body image gets better every day and I still struggle with moments of sadness.
One post really made me teary... the writer was an older woman of 61. She was a recent widow and did not have reconstruction when she had her lumpectomy 10 years ago. But now that she was single, she wanted to confront her body image issues and have the reconstruction done. Similarly, another poster was a young woman of 30 and she was absolutely terrified of showing her naked body to anyone. She was going through a cycle of meeting men, going on dates and by the 4th date, she would disappear. Just as things would progress to a more intimate level... she freaked out and just ran off. The "thought" that the man she was dating may one day want to be intimate with her was enough for her to simply disappear from his life and walk away from the chance to be loved.
How deep is that? How deep are these issues of self-esteem and secure body image for survivors?
When you look at yourself in the mirror every day, you cannot help but remember. It is staring back at you as you look at your own reflection. I'm guessing that many survivors probably do as I did for many months... work very hard not to look at their own reflection and try not to focus on the wretched reminders of a hard-fought battle. I perfected the way of looking at only my face and my neck when in the bathroom coming out of the shower or the tub. And would only take in my full image when I was fully clothed.
Sigh. That is not the way to present yourself to the world. If you're afraid of your own reflection, then what you're going to show the world is that fear. And as long as you're afraid, people will be afraid of you.
I do not believe that there is anything wrong with being single. I really don't. Being single gives you opportunities to experience life in a way that can be really fulfilling if you allow it to be. But, I believe that people need people... need to be touched in a loving way regularly. Need to be heard and listened to. And those things can be difficult to have when you're single. So, to go back to my original point... this dating thing is difficult.
The ladies who were struggling with dating post breast cancer treatment were advised to relax, trust their instincts and not to take it personally if a man showed himself to be incapable of dealing with them as survivors. I agree with all of that and still... I find myself wondering each time I date someone and it doesn't quite turn out the way that I'd like, was it the cancer that killed it? Or am I simply unlovable? (yeah, yeah... I know)
I won't go as far as others to say that a man who disappears after learning that you are a breast cancer survivor is no good. I just can't agree with that. But, I will agree that its for the best that he moved on because while you may be like me (feeling sexier everyday in your new body) there are some harsh realities to being a survivor and if he's incapable of dealing, its better to find out early. I think that dating and meeting new people is great. I've had some amazing fun this year the few times that I've opened my heart up and allowed someone in. But (you knew there was a but coming, right)... I am tired. Its starting to feel like I'm reading a map upside down or something. I just don't think I'm going in the right direction at all.
...and then again, maybe I am heading in the right direction. The more I date, the better I become at it. I think. (laughs)
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