Hair chronicles: oh, my thin, thin hair

When people find out that they have cancer, usually one of the first thoughts they have (after wondering whether they are going to die from the disease) is... "will I lose my hair?"  I was no different. I wondered about hair loss and wondered whether or not I would feel differently about myself if I were bald. What makes all of that interesting is that I have worn my hair pretty short for quite some time now. I thought that losing my hair would not bother me. But it did.



(Nicole, December 2008)

This picture is of me after 4 months of chemotherapy. I am bald as a cue ball. (laughs) I called myself Uncle Fester because, well, that's who I thought I looked like the most during that time. My oncologist assured me that my hair would grow back and would probably return curly and nice. (I'm guessing that was supposed to be curly as opposed to its regular kinky state before chemo)

He was right. My hair did grow back curly. It grew back slowly but it did make a return. For awhile, I stuck with a promise that I made myself that I would not cut my hair if it came back after chemo took it away. And I didn't cut my hair for a long time, close to a year I think. And in that time, my hair grew about 2-3 inches.



(Nicole at a Blogalicious event, Feb 2010)

 Yup. That's it. I struggled and tried to work with the weird curliness that my hair presented post chemo. It was nice, I will admit that. I liked seeing the curls. However, I did not know how to do it. I haven't used a curling iron or a blow dryer in maybe 12 years. So, I had no idea what to do. I was afraid of doing too much to it, afraid that it would break off and I'd be back to bald again. I tried different types of products for naturally curly hair -- preferring to use products designed for african-american hair that wasn't chemically processed. For awhile, it was okay. And then one day I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that I simply did not recognize the girl that I saw.

My fear of not appreciating my new hair had left me wearing my hair in a style that didn't suit me nor make me feel sexy. So, I went to the barbershop and cut it all off. (shrug) My new (old) haircut felt right, and sexy. My swag jumped up to 100 and I was ready for the world.

Imagine my surprise recently when I realized that my hair was thinning. I had my hair cut recently and had it cut a lot lower than I normally wear it. At this length, I could easily see the patterns of my hair growth. I'm balding in a few spots. Right now, its noticeable but not horribly so. I don't think I'm scaring small children or anything yet but I'm not sure how I will handle this going forward. I don't have a problem wearing my hair short. It looks nice to me this way and ultimately, I just want to see myself when I look in a mirror and be able to smile at my reflection.


(Nic riding the subway, October 2010)



I like to look at myself and see a pretty face. And I don't like being distracted by strange hair issues and whatnot. But if my thinning hair doesn't reverse itself soon... I'm going to have to make some interesting choices.

You'll be seeing more posts from me as I set out to find ways to encourage hair growth. I'm not trying to grow long hair... I just don't want to have bald spots. So, things must change. I know that a lot of survivors struggle with dealing with their new hair. I'm no different in this regard. But I'm not sure whether my thinning is due to my Tamoxifen use or something else. Since its been nearly two years since my chemo ended, I don't think I can blame this effect on that. But, anything is possible I suppose.

In the meantime, if you spot me around town... yes, I'm likely to be the chick with the uber-short hair cut, looking stunning and easy going. At least, that is the goal. (smile)