Fighting against the mental images of your body as mutilated and unappealing is really hard.... And adding to the misery are physical symptoms that may really throw you for a loop. You may have to deal with issues of vaginal dryness, loss of sensation (due to damage to nerve endings), early menopause, and other symptoms. And there is also all of the emotional baggage that goes along with breast cancer that can come between a woman and her lusty side finding satisfaction between the sheets.
As we age, our sex life does change and become different. Hopefully the changes are good ones -- mainly because after doing it for awhile, you now know what you're doing and the pleasurable parts are easier to get to. (wink) But what if you are a sister who is trying to figure out how to get back to being active and lusty after feeling like a pin cushion for breast cancer for a year or two? Or what if you're a married woman who finds that her husband is having a really difficult time being intimate with you now that its time to get down? How do you manage these issues?
You know how? You make a plan. You treat yourself nicely and you take time to learn and relearn your body.
One thing I'm finding really wild is that contrary to what I've been expecting, my sexual libido seems to be getting higher and not lower. Now, there was a long stretch of time when it was non-existent. But those days are gone. Long gone. Long, long LONG gone. (laughs) That's good and its bad. Its good because that means that when I do have sex it isn't painful -- as it is for some women. And if I can manage to relax my mind, it is absolutely enjoyable. I am grateful and thankful for those things. However, I don't think that what I'm experiencing is all that normal. Its great for me but I know a lot of women who don't have this same experience. Many of my pink ribbon sisters struggle with finding their equalibrium sexually and they don't know how to navigate that area of their life anymore.
I will be honest, it requires a level of trust that reminds me of my early days of sexual exploration. The fear that I have sometimes when it comes to a moment of intimacy is palpable. But, I can usually get over it when I remind myself that I've chosen to share myself with someone who cares for me and sees me as beautiful. You would be amazed at how much a compliment from the right guy can turn your whole world around.
In reading different breast cancer message boards and blogs, some of the stories about sex -- rather the lack of sex after breast cancer -- are absolutely heartbreaking. There are women in the world who really feel lost, alone and unlovable after going through the hardest thing they probably have ever experienced. It is really sad and unfair. But I want to offer a little advice and a little hope that your sex life can be resurrected after breast cancer. Because it really can.
First things first... you might want to buy some toys if you don't have any. If you do, then great! Pull 'em out and get reacquainted with yourself. If you don't have any, make it a lusty date and take your man with you to the store so he can help you pick out some stuff. (If that is just too much for you, you can order things from the privacy of your home on-line and have it delivered to your door in non-descript packaging.)
My second suggestions will be to add some sexy clothes/lingerie to your shopping list. Oh, and be sure to get some good lubricants too -- try something new, something flavored perhaps.
Third suggestion... plan a romantic date with yourself. Yes, with yourself. Get some champagne and maybe some chocolate-covered strawberries (okay, that's my personal favorite thing) maybe some pineapple... whatever you like. Put on something that makes you feel sexy -- something soft to the touch preferably -- and then just spend some time remembering what you like and how you feel in your own skin.
A big part of the difficulty with finding your mojo after breast cancer is that after going through months (or years) of treatment, your body simply does not feel the same. You spend doctor visit after doctor visit, flashing your body to strangers. It becomes numbing after awhile. So you have to make an effort to get back to thinking of yourself as a sexy individual and not just a medical case. You're a woman, a beautiful sexy woman who has exhibited more strength than most people can imagine tolerating. You are a hot girl -- you just have to remind yourself of that.
After some time with yourself, make a date with someone you find attractive. (I do mean your spouse if you're married) Don't get too far down the road with it, just see if you have any chemistry. Do you feel anything when you're with him? That sort of thing. Butterflies can show up when you're not expecting them to. You just have to go with the flow.
I'm not going to dictate to you how you should go about having sexual intimacy but I will say that talking will help. Tell your partner if you're feeling scared or vulnerable. It will help ease the tension if he knows that you're not thinking that he's doing poorly (laughs) but instead may be worried about something else. Do as much as you want to do... and nothing that you feel uncomfortable doing.
The reality is that for us single girls, there may be men who don't find you attractive or who don't want to deal with your breast cancer baggage. You know what I'm going to say to that, right? Eff 'em. You don't need THAT guy. The guy you're looking for will look at you and see beauty and tell you that. The guy who really wants to be the one who helps you find your mojo... that's the one you're looking for. Because part of the way that we see beauty in ourselves is to see it in someone else's eyes when they look at us.
Now, let me be honest. The possibilities that sex can be difficult and/or painful does exist. But like every other muscle in your body, you've got to use this one in order for it to stay in top working condition. (laughs) Depending on the type of treatment you've received, you can experience serious dryness issues and even atrophy problems. (yes, that does mean what you think it does) Whatever you're experiencing -- fears, pains, confusion -- you absolutely can and should discuss them with your oncologist or your gynecologist at your next appointment. Getting back into the groove sexually after cancer is difficult. And it does require that you be good to yourself. But it is totally possible.
Totally. (wink)
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