navigating the new normal

I just read a blog entry by another breast cancer survivor. We are almost the same age and she was diagnosed a short time after I was. We were introduced by a mutual friend and have become good internet friends from the first conversation. In her most recent blog post, she discussed that she finished her breast cancer treatment about a month ago -- and just the day before her 40th birthday -- and she was having difficulty navigating the "new normal".

I felt a wistful longing when I read her post because I have the same feelings of crazy guilt, unsteadiness and fear of the unknown. Its been a year since I finished my radiation treatment. Its been over 6 months since I had my last herceptin treatment. Its been a year and a half since my final chemotherapy infusion. And, as horrible as all of those stages of this fight were -- I miss it.

I'm not totally crazy. And I'm not saying that I miss being sick. But I miss the cocoon of warmth and love... and safety... that grew to be my "normal" during my treatment. I miss the comfort I felt knowing that someone was working diligently to make me better. That someone was taking control of whatever went wrong in my system and caused me to have cancer in the first place and they were fixing it; fixing me. So, when Alaina remarked in her blog that she was secretly feeling guilty about longing for more doctor appointments, more life-saving treatments, etc. I totally understood that feeling. I've been living this feeling for awhile... too afraid to really look at it head on though.

I can't be saying or feeling that I want to go back to having cancer. But in way, that's what it feels like. I feel stained. Even though, right now I'm living in NED-land (NED= no evidence of disease), I feel tainted and stained. I feel like the cancer left a mark on me -- more than just my scars -- but a mark on my heart and in my soul that I cannot shake.

It never goes away. No matter how much I try to avoid the feeling, I still FEEL like the cancer-girl. I still identify with those feelings, those fears. I still look in the mirror and see a totally different woman than the one who existed the day before I got the call confirming my cancer diagnosis. I am so different now. I'm not as good, not as sharp, not as together... as I'd like to believe I used to be. I'm scared (still) a lot of the time about everything. And even when I don't think I'm thinking about it -- my actions tell me that I am still worried, still living like a scared person.

These days... I am over-compensating for the time I feel that I missed. I am guilty of doing dumb things with little forethought because I need to feel differently about my life. I want to show the world this really brave face. I want to be this super-pulled together sexy, confidant woman and she... lives on the edge a little bit, she's the life of the party, she's unafraid to date and dance and drink and laugh. Because she's practically a super-hero right now.

Breast cancer survivor girl!! Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Has her entire life changed in a moment but... she bounces back better than ever and ready to take on the world!

Oh, but I rarely feel like that girl. Now, there are days when I do feel empowered and bold. But, many days I still feel small and weak and fragile. And its incongruent to feel that way when I am supposed to be healed and back to normal. Good as new.

I don't know. I'm not sure whether other survivors feel as conflicted as I do many days. I imagine that they do. Alaina said that she's taking it one day at a time, and simply putting one foot in front of the other. I think that is a great way to take this on. Because, at the end of the day, all you have is right now; this moment. Nothing more.

I've been mistreating myself trying to recapture something I lost when I was diagnosed with cancer. Mistreating myself by not eating properly, not getting enough rest... mistreating myself by partying too hard, not accepting that I may really need to slow down -- not speed up. I keep thinking... "I missed 2 years of my life fighting breast cancer". But is that what happened? Really? Because looking at this blog... I was doing a lot of living even while I was fighting for my life. I wasn't partying a lot but I was alive.

Can I be even more honest and more frank? (Is that even possible?)  I don't like my life too much right now. I mean, overall, I'm happy I think. I'm cool. But I'm not estatic about my life. I'm searching for something but I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking for. I just know that the new normal isn't as much fun as I thought it would be.

I don't really know what I'm feeling... but I know that the fear of recurrence still strangles me in my sleep. I know that the face in the mirror looks older and harder than it did 2 years ago. I know that the scars that zig zag across my body recount a story that I don't always want to remember.

Some days, its just really very hard. But then... I guess that is what normal is too sometimes, right??