Getting past the week from hell

This has been a hard week for me. I overdid my fun last weekend and set myself up for a bacterial infection that kept me out of work all week. Five days of fighting a stomach flu is NOT FUN. A week of eating like a bird is not fun. But, I feel like I contributed to my own dilemma by not keeping in mind that I cannot do now what I may have been able to do 20 years ago. I just can't hang like I used to.

Its okay. I'm older now. I will make adjustments.

The second part of my week from hell is... I am an emotional BABY. There is a guy in my life that I like. (just going to put it out there plainly) But I am having a difficult time finding my equilibrium with this. Without going into details... as much as I would like to believe that I want to be in a relationship; that I would like to be married one day.... I really don't know whether that is possible at all. I am distrustful. I am scared. I am hesitant. I am unsure of what I believe from moment to moment. Its like I can't trust myself to acknowledge what I see and accept it for what it is.

Sigh. (Shrug)  But, with all that said and acknowledged... I can even be cool with that. Hey, the truth is that I know I'm a work in progress when it comes to relationships, affection, love, etc. I've known that about myself for a long time. My heart and my head simply don't speak the same language. Makes it difficult to trust my own choices. If I stay and move forward... have I chosen a good person? Will he be in it for the long haul? Can I make him happy and bring something good to his life? Can he do the same for me? On the other hand... If I leave and cut my losses... did I miss out on a great person? Is this fear talking or am I being logical? Did I miss the context clues that showed me that he was not the one? One part of me says one thing, another part says something totally different. Its confusing and yet makes sense.

The cherry on top of the sundae is the third part... every time I have to go through another procedure, appointment, etc. relating to this stupid breast cancer, I end up farther and farther behind the economic eight-ball. I make a pretty average salary. In the area where I live, its better than some but far from what many of my friends and peers earn. And honestly, that's cool most of the time. I try to live within my own means and not act as flossy as I may feel. I know that I don't make six or seven figures and I act accordingly.

It is one thing if you over spend because you like expensive handbags or watches or shoes. Its one thing if you spend twice your paycheck buying jewelry or video games or whatever your vice is. That is one thing. That is something that you can change by exercising some restraint and some willpower. But when the bills come because you're doing what you need to do to get your life back after breast cancer... it feels very unfair and it seems overwhelmingly difficult to get a handle on.

How do you bargain shop when you need a surgical procedure? Or physical therapy? Or medications? I know that a lot of people end up in bankruptcy court because of medical costs. I am trying not to be one of those people. But it gets more and more difficult every month because the costs continually add up. The bills continue to keep coming. I am growing more and more tired and frustrated about it. Every choice about my healthcare becomes this crazy mathmatical equation where I try to figure out the cost/worth of my time, my health, my job, my finances and ultimately my happiness and my joy.

I want to enjoy what life I have left. I don't like to whine about my life because I know that to many people, even with the breast cancer experience, being single, never married and childless seems like a fantasy dream. Time to think whenever I want. Time to do whatever I choose. Money to spend however I see fit. No one screaming my name, needing me to take them here or there or just generally expecting me to show up in their life and make it all better. (shrug) I know that many people envy my freedom. And for the most part, I understand.

For all the mothers that I envy, all the marriages that I am wistful about... I know that each person's life story presents its own challenges and difficulties. I look at those friends and family members who are in love (either with their spouse or their children or both) and I sigh. I envision myself as wife and mother... and in my version of the movie, its wonderful all the time.

Today, I am another $4000 in debt. Which means that something I wanted to do will have to be pushed to the back burner for some other time. (shrug) My oncologist saved my life but I'm wondering whether this new life will ever be mine again.