Feeling sexy with all my scars hanging out...

Okay, by now you should know what the deal is. Nicole is on a mission to recapture her swagger, to pull the sexy back into her life. Breast cancer survivor or not, I’m still a sassy single girl and I want to feel that way every time I wake up and every time I walk through a door. You want to know why?


Because I love being a girl.

I’ve cried and stumbled through most of this journey. I’ve been sad and feeling low for the better part of the last year and a half. And while that sort of disposition is contrary to my natural effervescence, it is perfectly understandable. Dealing with cancer is hard. Its heavy and it takes a huge emotional toll on you – if you let it. (Which I did) But, I’m moving on past that. Its time.

I have decided that even though I am not perfectly pleased with my body as it is that’s no reason to dim my own shine. Most of us aren’t happy with our looks. We want longer hair or shorter hair. Straighter hair or curlier hair. A smaller nose or bigger boobs. Some of us want hips and others want to give away the hips they have. (shrug) It is… what it is. At some point you have to accept yourself, flaws and all… and just damn what you think other people will think of your shortcomings.

Before breast cancer, I liked feeling like a sexy girl. I didn’t go too far out of my conservative comfort zone to find that sexiness to be sure. But I did my own thing, in my own way. I learned to own my own space in the world.

And then I lost it. Probably somewhere in the hallways of George Washington University Hospital. (laughs) I’ve been dressing like a schlump for the longest time now. Wearing ill-fitting clothes because I didn’t want to shop for new things and my old things didn’t quite fit right anymore. But when you dress well, you feel better about yourself. And I NEED to feel good. (My cuteness cannot be confined to just my face…)

So, today I wore a sassy dress to work that shows a LOT of cleavage. And… well, my cleavage is crooked. And it’s a little misshapen. And its got a darkened area of skin (hyper-pigmentation from my radiation treatment) And its got a crazy scar going around my new breast.

AND… I TRULY DON’T GIVE A CARE!

(sigh) That felt good to release that into the air. I don’t care that someone sees my scars today. I don’t care that someone in my office may feel uncomfortable with my putting it all out there for them to see and acknowledge. I don’t really care about any of that. For me, that’s a huge leap forward. I’ve been terrified, scared to death, that showing my scars was going to be embarrassing for me and for whomever came into contact with me. I’ve been wearing anything and everything that covers my entire chest area because I didn’t think I should bare my imperfection to the world.

But you know what? I’m forcing myself to get over it. Life is just too short for me to continue to put these crazy restrictions on myself. Last summer I met the nicest guy. And the sweetest (yet strange) thing he said to me was that he wanted to lick my scar. He was talking about the tiny scar on my chest where my port was implanted. He had no idea that (at the time) I had a huge sideways scar on the left side of my body where my boobie was removed. He just saw a girl at a party and threw it out there. I think about that comment a lot.

Life is short. I’m tired of feeling afraid. I’m tired of not feeling comfortable in my own skin, in my own space. Breast cancer has taken a lot from me…I refuse to give up anything else to this disease.


Sorry. Today is MY day. And I feel pretty doggone good too.

That body-image issue is a monster

I was recently chatting on facebook with a friend about her recent experience with a Korean spa. I only learned about Korean spas recently (within the last year or so) and they sound like a fabulous experience. Cheaper than a regular spa and typically less fancy... Korean spas seem to specialize in getting right to it, and getting you clean and detoxed.

I like that thought.

It seems as though they have techniques for scrubbing away all the dirt and dead skin that you weren't even aware that you had, leaving you feeling marvelous and tingly and just... well, clean. When I first heard about the experience, I considered it and then promptly forgot. So my conversation with my friend reminded me that I wanted to give it a try... some day.

My initial hesitation was that my skin is different now. Chemotherapy and radiation have done a number on my beautiful carmel skin. It is dry in ways that it never used to be and its more fragile. I have heard that the ladies at the Korean spa can be a little rough (and they don't always speak good English) so while I was interested, I was also hesitant. The last thing I want to do is overdo it and end up in a bad place. (remember the tragedy with my last pedicure? (read here)

But during our chat, I realized that I had a whole other issue that I had not truly considered. Dismal body-image. At the Korean spas, nudity is normal. The spa is segregated by gender and people walk around totally nude. It seems to be a non-issue there but the thought freaked me out.

Prior to my mastectomy, I would have hesitated (I'm a bit shy) but I probably could have convinced myself to go on through with it. Now? Oh hell no. I definitely would not have gone immediately following my mastectomy when I had one breast. But now? With my newly reconstructed "Barbie-boob"? Um... that's still a negative.

As those emotions washed over me during our brief chat, I grew sad and also angry with myself. Just how long will I be afraid of these scars? How long will it matter that when I open my robe in the bathroom... the reflection that I see is truly ME?

Now, in the grand scheme of things... I know that I should not be concerned with what any of the technicians at the spa or other patrons may think if they were faced with my naked body. However, my heart literally fell into my shoes at the thought of walking around naked the way that I am.

How long will my self-esteem be so closely connected to the image that I see in the mirror? Or the reflection that I imagine on the face of whomever I choose to share this body with? Its sad really. I know better and yet... I cannot help how I feel.

One of my goals for this year is to regain my sexiness, my swagger. To learn to look at this body, fully naked, and not cringe or cry or get sad. I hope that it won't be a long time before I change that habit.

dating when your scarred from breast cancer

(sigh)

I just read a blog post that really disturbed me. In it, the blogger was writing about a guy who felt deceived by his date because she didn't disclose some issues with her body prior to the point where they decided to have sex.  In fairness to Moxie (Moxie in the City - The Crying Game post ) ... she was writing in reaction to another blog post where a guy decided to bitch and moan about how some woman he met on-line deceived and lied to him.  Here's his post: Master dater - Online dating nightmare post

After reading this guy's post and his comments... a few things stand out to me. One, he's a jerk. Not sure whether it is just an on-line/blog persona or his real deal but he's a jerk (if he's a friend of yours, my apologies but this is how I feel). Two, he's rather insensitive and seems to have an inflated sense of self. And finally three, he doesn't plan too well. Who drives 4 hours to see someone who is virtually a stranger and doesn't have a back-up plan or a hotel room? I digress...


(more after the jump... click the READ MORE link)


Although I didn't find his post necessarily enlightening or helpful to my life, I did have a grudging respect for his silence about the turn-off issue.  It was an inkling of respect, no doubt, but he didn't sink as low as he could have. Now, how he treated her leaves a lot to be desired but eh... dealing with jerks is part of the dating landscape.

But my offense wasn't with him, it was with Moxie's post. In her description, she threw women under the bus who have already gone through extreme situations with their bodies and who, are most likely to suffer from body image issues.

Yes, let's pick on the fat girls and the girls with breast cancer. Easy targets... low-lying fruit, right? Who wants them?

"Clothes come off. Then and only then do you notice something...off. No, she's not transgendered. But there's something up with her body. Maybe it's excess skin from gastric bypass surgery or, worse, scarring from a mastectomy or other kind of surgery. It's not something run of the mill like she was seriously more overweight than her profile, since you would have spotted that in her face when you first met her in person".

Seriously? This is what it comes down to?

I have scars from my mastectomy, radiation treatment and now reconstruction surgery... so honestly, I was offended. Deeply.

I'm trying not to totally bash this woman because of one post. She immediately posted a clarification message after my comment on her site. And I truly do believe that she didn't intend to be rude, she just made a poor choice of words (or maybe she wanted to be provacative and try to evoke responses to her blog -- it is how we live in this blog world, comments rule.)

At any rate, the comment "or worse, scarring from a mastectomy" made me wonder if she felt that way about a woman's body... how do men feel? Considering that breast cancer strikes women far more often than men... are guys understanding of what it means to lose a part of your body in an effort to save your own life? Or ... is it that at the end of the day we're all supposed to look like Victoria's Secret models and those of us who fail to do so are just short? Not worthy of dating or being naked with someone ever again. I hope not.

Dating is a difficult thing sometimes. You don't feel like opening yourself up to the scrutiny of strangers in the hope of finding love and a connection. But the desire to be loved and to experience the wonderful intimacy of a relationship (a good and healthy relationship) is strong and it drives us single folks to seek that companion to walk through life with. When its good, dating is so wonderful and heady and fun that you wonder how you could be so blessed. But when its bad... dating can be so heartwrenching and painful... causing you to over-scrutinize yourself and doubt everything you may believe about yourself and your worth. Its got to be bad to go on a date with someone you talked to for months, on-line and on the phone, only to have him arrive for your date and eventually decide that you simply were not good enough for him. How horrible.

The world isn't fair and sometimes people say or do insensitive things that may hurt your feelings. I know that. But I'm still annoyed at the lack of compassion when dealing with someone who may have gone through something traumatic and life-altering. I understand that we all make choices about what we choose to deal with in our lives, but is it too much to ask that we make those choices in a way that doesn't diminish someone else?

I'm no angel. I've been insensitive in my life and in my writings and I'm sure that I will again. I am human and I am flawed. I also know that I'm not alone in my flawed human nature... so what gives?

Here's the deal, none of us know how someone will react to seeing our body for the first time in the nude. Whether we bear scars from past surgery, more weight than our frame should hold or if we think we are perfect... until the moment when the clothes are off, you have to have faith that the person you've chosen to be intimate with will appreciate what you're sharing. Sexy begins between your ears...and it moves downward from there. Love begins in your heart and it spreads outward from there. If you limit yourself to just the image that you see when you look at a person, you're missing out on the real beauty.

I think that's what Moxie was driving at with her post. And I think that I need to work on my switch and my swagger. My sexiness is not diminished by this flawed body. Any guy who thinks that... doesn't deserve all that I have to offer.

Simple as that.