Is sexting bringing sexy back?

Okay... I was a moderately vain girl before breast cancer. I mean, my head wasn't so large that I believed that every man wanted me. I knew that was fallacy. However, I did feel that the men who did find me attractive... found me VERY attractive. I liked that feeling -- even if i didn't always know how to work with it or handle it. Being desired is a fantastic feeling, right?

So, after going through all this disfiguring, yet life saving, breast cancer treatment it is fair to say that I woke up after each surgery feeling some kind of way about the changes in my body. As time goes on and I see the changes and I notice the way that I react to the changes, I've come to realize that my vanity is coming back. Before my mastectomy, I took a few pictures of myself naked because I wanted to remember what my body looked like before I was disfigured for life. (Yes, I can be very melodramatic sometimes)  I had no intention of ever sharing those pictures with anyone -- I mean, I will be honest, I wasn't THRILLED with my pre-cancer body. I was lumpy and bumpy in all the wrong places and I could point out to you, with my eyes closed, all the parts of me that needed fixing. But still, it was my body. I was used to it and for all reasonable purposes, I did like it. I didn't relish the thought of losing pieces of it but of course, I had to let those thoughts go. The breast had to go. And when it went, it took a big chunk of my self-esteem with it. It seemed deeply unfair that I had to sacrifice so much to save my life.

The next big blow to my self-esteem came from the horrible effects of radiation therapy. Oh my gawd. They warned me that I would look different, that the radiation treatment would burn me and scar me. But dang. I had no idea that the scarring would be so serious. I have walked around with this ridiculous square of blackened skin on my chest for almost two years now. And the final straw... was the scarring across my chest, my abdomen and my hips from my reconstruction surgery. Yes, I was excited to have my noobie (new boobie) but I looked patched together like Frankenstein. I had these horrible scars that zipped around my noobie... and skated around my reduced breast... and then zig-zagged from hip to hip across my lower abdomen. The finished look was far from flattering. At least to me. And all of these surgeries happened within the span of one year. I can tell you now... I was horrified at the way that I looked under my clothes.

Well, now that it has been over a year since my last procedure and my scars are slowly (and I do mean SLOWLY) fading and lightening up... I have found the courage to look at myself in the mirror and just take in the way that I look. I figured that it would be difficult to share my body with a man if I could not look at it myself. So, over the last couple of years, I've tasked myself with regularly just staring at my whole body in the full length mirror in my bathroom.

In the beginning, I couldn't look at myself everyday. It was just too much, too jarring. I would burst into tears and then hide from myself whenever I got dressed or stepped out of the tub or shower. But, like I said, I'm still healing. The vitamin E has been helping my scars to fade and even out. The Shea butter has been working to give my skin back some of its elasticity (that chemo is a beast on your skin too).

A few weeks ago, I got a new cellphone. It is a fancy Droid phone and it is absolutely fantastic. I didn't realize how much I was missing out on with my old phone but now I know. Smart phones are simply incredible. And guess what? They have cameras. (wink) You can take a picture.  Of yourself even. (wow!)  I have started to do that now and then. Ha, ha. Scandalous, yes... I know. But I do.

About a year ago (maybe longer) I was contacted by a photographer who stumbled onto my blog. He wanted to take boudoir pictures of me as a part of a project he was working on. He had taken a few pictures with other survivors and offered me a chance to have my own set of sexy pictures. Before cancer, I fantasized about taking sexy pictures of myself but I never mustered up the courage to do it. When the offer came, I accepted immediately... and then after thinking about it... I flaked. I couldn't do it. I wanted the pictures but I didn't want a stranger to take pictures of my body. I still didn't want to look at myself, I certainly wasn't ready for someone who looked at beautiful models all the time, to then look at my disfigured shell and try to make it look sexy. I just didn't think that I had sexy in me. Not at that level anyway.

Back to my new phone. I'm more comfortable now with looking at my naked body and one day as I was getting out of the shower I realized that my phone was actually with me in the bathroom... and before I knew it, SNAP! I had taken a picture of myself. I snapped a few more then scurried to my room to shut the door and get dressed. But I looked at those pictures for quite some time. Eventually, I got to a point where it didn't bother me to look at myself naked. Since that day, I've taken a lot of pictures of myself... various poses... highlighting different parts of me and whatnot. I have to tell you... it is LIBERATING as hell to look at yourself and finally be able to say (and believe)... I look good.

I look good. I really... look good. The scars no longer scare me. I do hate the way that my skin is discolored from the radiation but I love my port removal scar. I don't particularly care for the way that I have a scar that looks like a c-section scar (since I don't have children) and yet... I like my strangely Barbie-esque belly. I like myself. And (gulp, confession time) I've gotten a few compliments too.

What's that feeling? Desire? I am... gasp... clutch your pearls... a desirable woman AFTER breast cancer? Stop the presses! Really?

Yes. Really. I am desirable and sexy and beautiful and attractive and all of that goes far deeper than my nakedness or my scars. It goes directly to the heart of me.

You have just read the confessions of a breast cancer survivor sexter.

I am not ashamed of what I've done. Nor am I afraid to look at my body or to show it off either. That doesn't mean that I've lost all of my conservativeness and will begin to parade around naked. No. I am still the same girl who gets dressed behind closed doors and covers things up probably more than I have to. But now I am very confident that my body -- with its scars and shades and lumps -- is really a beautiful thing. And that revelation has made everything worthwhile.

I am sexy.  Take THAT! breast cancer.

Dating chronicles: Follow up to my rant

The other day, I did a radio interview to discuss the blog and my journey with breast cancer. It was so much fun. During the interview, I was asked about my dating life after breast cancer and I really had to stop and take a deep breath.

See, a little bit of time and space has helped my perspective and while I'm still disappointed that I'm not going to be dating the guy that I was interested in... I'm very much okay with it now. I laughed and talked about some of my more interesting dates but I didn't mention the ones that I had allowed myself to feel vulnerable with.  I didn't see the point. But I will explain why.

I talk a lot about my life here on the blog. And honestly, it amazes me that people actually want to read about my craziness and all of my emotional outbursts. I keep a lot of stuff inside and don't talk to anyone about certain things. One of those things is the really personal and deep feelings that I may have for someone I'm dating. I have been in love before. Many times actually. (and I know somewhere someone is shocked by that revelation) But its true. I am very passionate and emotional... so either I'm totally open to loving a man early on... or it likely will never happen and we remain great platonic friends. Rarely does someone cross from platonic friend to romantic interest. And even more rarely does someone cross back.

The thing about dating for me now is that I'm actually more likely to open myself up and be vulnerable than I was before my diagnosis. The reason for that is that in order to even get to know me right now requires that you have to be open to hearing about the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. And then to become intimately involved requires that I open myself up to scrutiny as I discuss and/or reveal my scars (both physical and emotional). Because I am building a life and a career around discussing my journey with breast cancer, I am becoming more comfortable with wearing my vulnerability and not being ashamed of it. For me, that is a big step and a big deal.

Dating after breast cancer "can" be a buzz-kill but I'm finding that most of that negative energy is emerging from between the ears of the one who fought the breast cancer battle. Not from the people who find them exciting, attractive and appealing. We (survivors) put a lot of pressure on ourselves because we are no longer "perfect". We think that someone else will be freaked out because well... we've been freaked out. And yes, there may be some guys who cannot handle your new boobies, your surgery scars, your radiation burns... but a lot of guys are going to find your strength and your courage so very sexy... so very enticing that you're going to wonder what in the world is going on.

I'm back to thinking positively about dating again. I'm pretty sure that as long as I remain laid back and easy going about it... I'll meet someone who makes me smile and makes me laugh... and who thinks that this cancer girl is hot and sexy.

That's all a girl like me needs some days. :)

Feeling sexy with all my scars hanging out...

Okay, by now you should know what the deal is. Nicole is on a mission to recapture her swagger, to pull the sexy back into her life. Breast cancer survivor or not, I’m still a sassy single girl and I want to feel that way every time I wake up and every time I walk through a door. You want to know why?


Because I love being a girl.

I’ve cried and stumbled through most of this journey. I’ve been sad and feeling low for the better part of the last year and a half. And while that sort of disposition is contrary to my natural effervescence, it is perfectly understandable. Dealing with cancer is hard. Its heavy and it takes a huge emotional toll on you – if you let it. (Which I did) But, I’m moving on past that. Its time.

I have decided that even though I am not perfectly pleased with my body as it is that’s no reason to dim my own shine. Most of us aren’t happy with our looks. We want longer hair or shorter hair. Straighter hair or curlier hair. A smaller nose or bigger boobs. Some of us want hips and others want to give away the hips they have. (shrug) It is… what it is. At some point you have to accept yourself, flaws and all… and just damn what you think other people will think of your shortcomings.

Before breast cancer, I liked feeling like a sexy girl. I didn’t go too far out of my conservative comfort zone to find that sexiness to be sure. But I did my own thing, in my own way. I learned to own my own space in the world.

And then I lost it. Probably somewhere in the hallways of George Washington University Hospital. (laughs) I’ve been dressing like a schlump for the longest time now. Wearing ill-fitting clothes because I didn’t want to shop for new things and my old things didn’t quite fit right anymore. But when you dress well, you feel better about yourself. And I NEED to feel good. (My cuteness cannot be confined to just my face…)

So, today I wore a sassy dress to work that shows a LOT of cleavage. And… well, my cleavage is crooked. And it’s a little misshapen. And its got a darkened area of skin (hyper-pigmentation from my radiation treatment) And its got a crazy scar going around my new breast.

AND… I TRULY DON’T GIVE A CARE!

(sigh) That felt good to release that into the air. I don’t care that someone sees my scars today. I don’t care that someone in my office may feel uncomfortable with my putting it all out there for them to see and acknowledge. I don’t really care about any of that. For me, that’s a huge leap forward. I’ve been terrified, scared to death, that showing my scars was going to be embarrassing for me and for whomever came into contact with me. I’ve been wearing anything and everything that covers my entire chest area because I didn’t think I should bare my imperfection to the world.

But you know what? I’m forcing myself to get over it. Life is just too short for me to continue to put these crazy restrictions on myself. Last summer I met the nicest guy. And the sweetest (yet strange) thing he said to me was that he wanted to lick my scar. He was talking about the tiny scar on my chest where my port was implanted. He had no idea that (at the time) I had a huge sideways scar on the left side of my body where my boobie was removed. He just saw a girl at a party and threw it out there. I think about that comment a lot.

Life is short. I’m tired of feeling afraid. I’m tired of not feeling comfortable in my own skin, in my own space. Breast cancer has taken a lot from me…I refuse to give up anything else to this disease.


Sorry. Today is MY day. And I feel pretty doggone good too.

Femininity after breast cancer

Does breast cancer have an affect on the woman's femininity?

I saw a tweet this morning with this question and a link to this page: (does breast cancer affect females femininity?)  And honestly, it annoyed and frustrated me instantly. I know that I complain and moan about not feeling sexy and losing my swagger throughout this process all the time. But seeing that tweet just made me feel like someone was telling me to just give up on the notion of ever feeling sexy in my own skin again.

Its one thing if I have concerns and worries about myself. It is a totally different thing if someone is trying to tell me that they "know" something to be true about who I am. I don't like that very much. You can't know what I don't show you. Breast cancer is a thief. But I refuse to give up anything else because of this disease -- especially something as wonderful and priceless as my femininity.

I read the poster's question and the responses...and it made me sad, mad and motivated. Sad because millions of women live with breast cancer and it is sad to think that there are millions of women out there who may feel disconnected from their feminine spirit. Mad... breast cancer robs you of so much throughout your treatment. You go through emotional swings daily (if not hourly). It negatively affects so many parts of your life. To think that it could steal something that is so intrinsic and beautiful about being a woman is just cruel. And finally... it motivated me to get busy turning the thoughts in my head into tangible efforts that will help someone else dealing with this issue.

I refuse -- hear me -- RE-FUSE to let go of my femininity. That certain thing that separates women from children and females from males is as exciting as the sparkle on a diamond,  and as comforting as a hot toddy on a cold evening. Femininity is a glorious thing. I may not feel it all the time, but trust me... that's a temporary state. I'm all about being wonderfully and totally a girl.

I found a company that creates luxury lingerie for mastectomy patients. They have really put some thought into these items. Very nice, very pretty. That's what I'm talking about. I can still be fine after its all said and done.

Breast cancer, what?? Get outta here. My lovely cannot be restrained. http://www.dimurini.com/