Almost a year after the TRAM Flap surgery

Its been nearly a year since I had my breast reconstructed. The TRAM Flap procedure is the method I opted for and generally speaking, I'm pleased. I ended up having a "free TRAM flap" which is a complicated and intense procedure. I chose this procedure because it used my own body tissue and because I felt that in the long-term, it would be better for me. It would have been easier and faster to have had an implant but after all of the breast cancer treatments, I was really leery about having anything foreign in my body. When I speak to other survivors who have gone through breast reconstruction, I still wonder whether I made the right choice -- or rather, was there an easier choice to make. But, its fine now and I really have few complaints.

My tummy is somewhat flat. It isn't as flat as I expected it to be. I thought it would be just ridiculously flat but a better descriptor would be smooth. I guess in order to get it to flat, I will have to do some work. (laughs)  My breast is amazing. I still don't have a nipple yet, but I will have one soon. Surprisingly, I'm actually okay without it right now. The reconstructed breast looks wonderful in my clothes. And its nice and perky (as is my other breast which was reduced to match in size). I often run around without a bra on... and that is really cool. Hmm... I didn't realize what I was missing all those years I carried those super-large breasts around.

The downsides are few... I still have limited feeling in my tummy area. The numb area is much smaller than it was immediately following the surgery. But all of the feeling has not returned to my tummy area. My abdomen muscles are stronger but still not completely strong. Every now and then I'll do something that reminds me that I had major surgery and had some of my abdominal muscles removed. But it doesn't happen often and when it does happen, the cramps don't last too long. My posture is still rather poor. It is better than it was after my mastectomy but I am truly a work-in-progress in this area. The tightness of my abdomen causes me to involuntarily curl at the shoulders to avoid pulling those muscles too hard. Hard to be sexy with rounded shoulders. (laughs) But I'm working on that too.

The additional surgery around my underarm area totally aggravated my lymphedema. It was very mild prior to the TRAM procedure... now, it is the bane of my life. I am so sick of the fat arm... ugh. But, I can still move it around and I'm just forced to constantly stretch and exercise and massage it. And wear my compression sleeve. I am hoping that as I start to lose weight (I'm changing my food habits now) and start to work out more (planning to incorporate some very light weight lifting into my exercise plan), the lymphedema will get better. I know that for the longest time doctors have been telling breast cancer patients with lymphedema risks not to over-exert the affected arm, not to lift heavy objects and all that. But that seems so off to me (and yes, I have no medical training whatsoever but so what). I'm just going to do what I think is best and hope for the best.

The other downside of the procedure is that while my new breast is nice... it doesn't actually look like a real breast. And there are times when that matters to me. Also, there's no feeling in it. I can feel around it... but I cannot feel the actual breast. If someone brushes against me, or even reaches out to grab me... I won't notice it unless I see it happen. That is not very sexy. (laughs) But, all things considered, I'm more happy with my reconstructed breast than I was without it.

The pain after the surgery is really a dim memory. I recall that it was the most painful thing I'd ever experienced in my life. And I absolutely hated the recuperation period. But, despite all of that... I am generally pretty happy. I chose the TRAM flap because implants require regular surgical maintenance and I did not want to do that. However implants are easier to get initially, take much less time in the operating room, cost significantly less and your recuperation time is far shorter. So they are truly a good option. TRAM flaps are one time options though. Once they take the flesh from your tummy, they cannot go back and do that procedure again. My plastic surgeon was trying to convince me to have both breasts removed so that she could do the TRAM flap for both breasts at the same time. I just refused to do that. I am hoping that I don't regret the decision to keep my natural breast.

I don't particularly like my scars (on either breast) but they don't make me as crazy as they used to when I look at them. I am becoming more and more comfortable wearing low-cut things that show off my cleavage and my scars. I am less concerned with people noticing my scars and asking me crazy questions. The scars on my hips and across my lower belly have healed well. They haven't disappeared which is what I had hoped for but they are okay. It really looks a lot like a cesarean scar except it stretches from hip to hip. Now that I think about it though, I have slacked off with my vitamin E oil/shea butter massages on my scars. Hmm... need to get back on that. It was definitely helping the scars to look better, my skin to look better and also to soften up the tissue underneath the scars.

I am about 11 months from the surgery and its been a good recuperation. I am confident that I will continue to make progress and feel sexier every day. I do not regret making this choice at all.

Feeling sexy with all my scars hanging out...

Okay, by now you should know what the deal is. Nicole is on a mission to recapture her swagger, to pull the sexy back into her life. Breast cancer survivor or not, I’m still a sassy single girl and I want to feel that way every time I wake up and every time I walk through a door. You want to know why?


Because I love being a girl.

I’ve cried and stumbled through most of this journey. I’ve been sad and feeling low for the better part of the last year and a half. And while that sort of disposition is contrary to my natural effervescence, it is perfectly understandable. Dealing with cancer is hard. Its heavy and it takes a huge emotional toll on you – if you let it. (Which I did) But, I’m moving on past that. Its time.

I have decided that even though I am not perfectly pleased with my body as it is that’s no reason to dim my own shine. Most of us aren’t happy with our looks. We want longer hair or shorter hair. Straighter hair or curlier hair. A smaller nose or bigger boobs. Some of us want hips and others want to give away the hips they have. (shrug) It is… what it is. At some point you have to accept yourself, flaws and all… and just damn what you think other people will think of your shortcomings.

Before breast cancer, I liked feeling like a sexy girl. I didn’t go too far out of my conservative comfort zone to find that sexiness to be sure. But I did my own thing, in my own way. I learned to own my own space in the world.

And then I lost it. Probably somewhere in the hallways of George Washington University Hospital. (laughs) I’ve been dressing like a schlump for the longest time now. Wearing ill-fitting clothes because I didn’t want to shop for new things and my old things didn’t quite fit right anymore. But when you dress well, you feel better about yourself. And I NEED to feel good. (My cuteness cannot be confined to just my face…)

So, today I wore a sassy dress to work that shows a LOT of cleavage. And… well, my cleavage is crooked. And it’s a little misshapen. And its got a darkened area of skin (hyper-pigmentation from my radiation treatment) And its got a crazy scar going around my new breast.

AND… I TRULY DON’T GIVE A CARE!

(sigh) That felt good to release that into the air. I don’t care that someone sees my scars today. I don’t care that someone in my office may feel uncomfortable with my putting it all out there for them to see and acknowledge. I don’t really care about any of that. For me, that’s a huge leap forward. I’ve been terrified, scared to death, that showing my scars was going to be embarrassing for me and for whomever came into contact with me. I’ve been wearing anything and everything that covers my entire chest area because I didn’t think I should bare my imperfection to the world.

But you know what? I’m forcing myself to get over it. Life is just too short for me to continue to put these crazy restrictions on myself. Last summer I met the nicest guy. And the sweetest (yet strange) thing he said to me was that he wanted to lick my scar. He was talking about the tiny scar on my chest where my port was implanted. He had no idea that (at the time) I had a huge sideways scar on the left side of my body where my boobie was removed. He just saw a girl at a party and threw it out there. I think about that comment a lot.

Life is short. I’m tired of feeling afraid. I’m tired of not feeling comfortable in my own skin, in my own space. Breast cancer has taken a lot from me…I refuse to give up anything else to this disease.


Sorry. Today is MY day. And I feel pretty doggone good too.

On the prowl for ways to diminish my scars

Shea butter! Cocoa butter! Vitamin E oil!!

My surgeon advised me to start using cocoa butter to massage into my surgical scars to help with the healing. I am thrilled that I actually have at home something that I need to help me with this process. I have some Palmer's cocoa butter and some vitamin e oil -- but that's just to get me started. I'm concerned that the Palmer's brand has too many additives to the cocoa butter. However, it is my understanding that shea butter is actually better for your skin and works better than cocoa butter to reduce scars. So, that's what I'm on the hunt for. (Though... I like the smell of cocoa butter better than shea)

I've been searching for pure shea butter and cocoa butter to use on my skin. And it seems that there is a whole world out there that I was previously unaware of -- folks who mix their own body butters and lotions and such things. Who knew? At any rate... I'm not really trying to get that deep into the mixology of it all... but I am going to purchase some unrefined shea butter and some cocoa butter -- as opposed to using the stuff I currently have from the Body Shop (lots of chemicals in that stuff) and the Palmer's cocoa butter. I want to give my body a real chance to heal itself and get a good glow going.

Only 6 months until summer!! Woohoo... I've got work to do before then.


Websites to find natural shea butter and cocoa butters (or recipes to whip up your own body butter):

From Nature With Love

Au Naturale by Miss Sixx

Subtle Essence


Do you know of any other sites where I could find natural products for my skin? Please leave a comment. Thanks!!

I wanna lick your scar...

"I wanna lick your scar..." Someone said that to me this weekend while I was out and about. It was the first time that I have ever been told something like that and honestly, it made me laugh. In fact, I have been laughing for days about it.

Now, of course there was no way that it was likely to happen. I told him that I was sensitive about that scar but I have to admit, the line itself was just plain funny.

Who says something like that?

You know who does? A man who has no idea what your history is and in the moment that he utters it doesn't care. He's just trying to make a connection. For the first time in many months, it didn't occur to me to correct him or inform him of all my medical issues. I just left the comment where it was. And I laughed.

Some of the joy I experienced this past weekend was being comfortable enough to hang out with little concern about the details of my breast cancer. I did not mope around wondering whether people could tell I had on a prosthesis, what they may have thought about my radiation tan or anything else. I simply did not care. It wasn't my highest priority this weekend.

That means that I'm growing. I'm returning to myself. Life is gaining some normal perspective. Its a beautiful thing. I am blessed. Its not so bad being the "sexy formerly-bald chemo girl" these days.

So... tell me, are scars sexy now? If so, I might need to flip my game around a bit. Who knew that my port scar might become a conversation starter one day? I didn't see that one coming.

...and that's a good thing.