I just read a blog post that really disturbed me. In it, the blogger was writing about a guy who felt deceived by his date because she didn't disclose some issues with her body prior to the point where they decided to have sex. In fairness to Moxie (Moxie in the City - The Crying Game post ) ... she was writing in reaction to another blog post where a guy decided to bitch and moan about how some woman he met on-line deceived and lied to him. Here's his post: Master dater - Online dating nightmare post
After reading this guy's post and his comments... a few things stand out to me. One, he's a jerk. Not sure whether it is just an on-line/blog persona or his real deal but he's a jerk (if he's a friend of yours, my apologies but this is how I feel). Two, he's rather insensitive and seems to have an inflated sense of self. And finally three, he doesn't plan too well. Who drives 4 hours to see someone who is virtually a stranger and doesn't have a back-up plan or a hotel room? I digress...
(more after the jump... click the READ MORE link)
Although I didn't find his post necessarily enlightening or helpful to my life, I did have a grudging respect for his silence about the turn-off issue. It was an inkling of respect, no doubt, but he didn't sink as low as he could have. Now, how he treated her leaves a lot to be desired but eh... dealing with jerks is part of the dating landscape.
But my offense wasn't with him, it was with Moxie's post. In her description, she threw women under the bus who have already gone through extreme situations with their bodies and who, are most likely to suffer from body image issues.
Yes, let's pick on the fat girls and the girls with breast cancer. Easy targets... low-lying fruit, right? Who wants them?
"Clothes come off. Then and only then do you notice something...off. No, she's not transgendered. But there's something up with her body. Maybe it's excess skin from gastric bypass surgery or, worse, scarring from a mastectomy or other kind of surgery. It's not something run of the mill like she was seriously more overweight than her profile, since you would have spotted that in her face when you first met her in person".
Seriously? This is what it comes down to?
I have scars from my mastectomy, radiation treatment and now reconstruction surgery... so honestly, I was offended. Deeply.
I'm trying not to totally bash this woman because of one post. She immediately posted a clarification message after my comment on her site. And I truly do believe that she didn't intend to be rude, she just made a poor choice of words (or maybe she wanted to be provacative and try to evoke responses to her blog -- it is how we live in this blog world, comments rule.)
At any rate, the comment "or worse, scarring from a mastectomy" made me wonder if she felt that way about a woman's body... how do men feel? Considering that breast cancer strikes women far more often than men... are guys understanding of what it means to lose a part of your body in an effort to save your own life? Or ... is it that at the end of the day we're all supposed to look like Victoria's Secret models and those of us who fail to do so are just short? Not worthy of dating or being naked with someone ever again. I hope not.
Dating is a difficult thing sometimes. You don't feel like opening yourself up to the scrutiny of strangers in the hope of finding love and a connection. But the desire to be loved and to experience the wonderful intimacy of a relationship (a good and healthy relationship) is strong and it drives us single folks to seek that companion to walk through life with. When its good, dating is so wonderful and heady and fun that you wonder how you could be so blessed. But when its bad... dating can be so heartwrenching and painful... causing you to over-scrutinize yourself and doubt everything you may believe about yourself and your worth. Its got to be bad to go on a date with someone you talked to for months, on-line and on the phone, only to have him arrive for your date and eventually decide that you simply were not good enough for him. How horrible.
The world isn't fair and sometimes people say or do insensitive things that may hurt your feelings. I know that. But I'm still annoyed at the lack of compassion when dealing with someone who may have gone through something traumatic and life-altering. I understand that we all make choices about what we choose to deal with in our lives, but is it too much to ask that we make those choices in a way that doesn't diminish someone else?
I'm no angel. I've been insensitive in my life and in my writings and I'm sure that I will again. I am human and I am flawed. I also know that I'm not alone in my flawed human nature... so what gives?
Here's the deal, none of us know how someone will react to seeing our body for the first time in the nude. Whether we bear scars from past surgery, more weight than our frame should hold or if we think we are perfect... until the moment when the clothes are off, you have to have faith that the person you've chosen to be intimate with will appreciate what you're sharing. Sexy begins between your ears...and it moves downward from there. Love begins in your heart and it spreads outward from there. If you limit yourself to just the image that you see when you look at a person, you're missing out on the real beauty.
I think that's what Moxie was driving at with her post. And I think that I need to work on my switch and my swagger. My sexiness is not diminished by this flawed body. Any guy who thinks that... doesn't deserve all that I have to offer.
Simple as that.
No comments:
Post a Comment