That body-image issue is a monster

I was recently chatting on facebook with a friend about her recent experience with a Korean spa. I only learned about Korean spas recently (within the last year or so) and they sound like a fabulous experience. Cheaper than a regular spa and typically less fancy... Korean spas seem to specialize in getting right to it, and getting you clean and detoxed.

I like that thought.

It seems as though they have techniques for scrubbing away all the dirt and dead skin that you weren't even aware that you had, leaving you feeling marvelous and tingly and just... well, clean. When I first heard about the experience, I considered it and then promptly forgot. So my conversation with my friend reminded me that I wanted to give it a try... some day.

My initial hesitation was that my skin is different now. Chemotherapy and radiation have done a number on my beautiful carmel skin. It is dry in ways that it never used to be and its more fragile. I have heard that the ladies at the Korean spa can be a little rough (and they don't always speak good English) so while I was interested, I was also hesitant. The last thing I want to do is overdo it and end up in a bad place. (remember the tragedy with my last pedicure? (read here)

But during our chat, I realized that I had a whole other issue that I had not truly considered. Dismal body-image. At the Korean spas, nudity is normal. The spa is segregated by gender and people walk around totally nude. It seems to be a non-issue there but the thought freaked me out.

Prior to my mastectomy, I would have hesitated (I'm a bit shy) but I probably could have convinced myself to go on through with it. Now? Oh hell no. I definitely would not have gone immediately following my mastectomy when I had one breast. But now? With my newly reconstructed "Barbie-boob"? Um... that's still a negative.

As those emotions washed over me during our brief chat, I grew sad and also angry with myself. Just how long will I be afraid of these scars? How long will it matter that when I open my robe in the bathroom... the reflection that I see is truly ME?

Now, in the grand scheme of things... I know that I should not be concerned with what any of the technicians at the spa or other patrons may think if they were faced with my naked body. However, my heart literally fell into my shoes at the thought of walking around naked the way that I am.

How long will my self-esteem be so closely connected to the image that I see in the mirror? Or the reflection that I imagine on the face of whomever I choose to share this body with? Its sad really. I know better and yet... I cannot help how I feel.

One of my goals for this year is to regain my sexiness, my swagger. To learn to look at this body, fully naked, and not cringe or cry or get sad. I hope that it won't be a long time before I change that habit.