Yes. I'm serious. My precious girls are lopsided. (no, that isn't me in the picture) And it makes me giggle (sometimes) and slightly angry/annoyed/frustrated all the other time. I mean, seriously... why isn't this part of normal conversation?
I am a plain-talker. I need things to be spelled out for me clearly, plainly and obviously before I understand everything. Maybe I'm slow... I don't know. What I do know is that I am still recuperating from my surgery -- my body still aches, walking is still difficult, standing is hard and I am sooo frustrated. But I am determined to heal completely and to move forward so all this slow, awkward crap just has to go. I need my sexy back.. not now, but RIGHT NOW.
Okay. Sorry for the vent. But I'm a little pissed off at the moment. I am a single woman who would like to find a new boyfriend (or boy toy... you know, whatever's clever) and I'd like to re-engage in ... um, "relations" too. I miss it. Like a fat kid misses cake. (insert sad face here)
Back to the point. In all of the discussions that I've had over the past 16 months about losing this, and regaining that... the doctors didn't really mention how to deal with the in-between time between surgeries/procedures. Yes, I knew that when I opted not to have my second breast removed that it would mean that I would look different. But it never occurred to me just how different and for so long. Each surgery requires weeks/months of recuperation time. Time where you are basically just sitting still waiting for healing to take place. That's fine... but how do I adjust to how I look?
I'm vain. Sorry to offend anyone but really... I'm vain. Have been for most of my life. Even when I was a kid that other kids called ugly... I really thought I was cute. And when I grew out of that ugly-duckling stage (wasn't nothing wrong with their eyes, I did look a little crazy sometimes)... I really thought I was cute. Then I was sexy. And finally, I was moving into sultry. (okay... maybe only in my head but shoot... cute stops being applicable when you're 40) Bottom line is that my appearance mattered to me.
I like looking good. Dammit.
So... I'm sitting here lopsided and annoyed because before breast cancer and mastectomies, finding a beautiful and sexy bra that worked for me was difficult. I was a hard size to find (well, AM a hard size to find) and now that I'm still partially that difficult size I have to wonder why didn't anybody really tell me how awkward all of this would feel?
My mother -- bless her heart -- did try to convince me to remove both of my breasts. At the time, I thought it was crazy since there was nothing wrong with my other breast. I felt like I needed to keep a part of myself intact and whole. I still think that was a good decision. The way that my reconstructed breast feels (to me) is odd. I am guessing that it will take some time before it feels totally like me... assuming that it ever does. But check it. I'm still a girl. I still want to look sexy, in and out of my clothes. I still want to know that the man I'm with can look at me and be excited at the prospect.
Most women are uneven. We're not built perfectly symmetrical. Usually the difference is so negligible that women don't notice at all. But there are definitely numbers of women who naturally have significant differences in their breast sizes. I can only assume that their sexual partners either don't care or don't notice and life just goes on. In a way, I'm not dealing with something that a lot of women don't deal with every day. But of course, there's that breast cancer twist that makes it all just that much more ... ugh.
I was supposed to be healed and back to my life by now. And I was on my way... until I fell just before Christmas. That fall seems to have caused more problems than I initially wanted to admit. The delay in my healing has made me (once again) revisit having more surgery to make myself look normal again. Normal isn't the right word... but you know what I mean. I always thought that those women who went through multiple plastic surgery procedures had issues. Mental problems where they couldn't see their body in the right way -- body dysmorphia. I always felt a little sad for them. So, now that I am considering more surgery (and struggling with the notion) I am wondering where I fall on the spectrum of body dysmorphia.
Here's the real deal. I want to go to the beach this summer (as usual) and I had hoped to be able to sport a sexy bathing suit and play with some cute boys (okay... one cute one in particular, but you know... I'm single, I like to look around). While I know that my attractiveness, my sexiness is between my ears and not on my chest... I also know that a woman's body is a true thing of beauty. And I want that beauty back too.
More surgery, more recuperation, more pain OR using prosthetics and other "tricks" for the rest of my life?
Geez... what choices.
Breast reconstruction after mastectomy
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