Awhile back, someone commented that breast cancer was the best thing that happened to her life. I found that thought to be...well...ridiculous. But as I contemplate the days ahead, I am starting to understand a little bit better how this journey can make you see life in a brand new way. I won't go as far as to say that having breast cancer has been the best thing ever. (laughs) But I will admit that the challenge of this illness has forced me to become strong and confident in ways that I was not sure I was capable of a year ago.
I think of my early days with this disease quite a bit now. I find myself talking to other women who have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer a lot. Since I have started this blog, I have become a magnet for other sisters struggling with finding their way through this maddening maze of breast cancer. Each time I talk to one of my new pink ribbon sisters, I relive my early days of treatment and try to explain to them how I felt, what I went through and what they can expect from their treatment in the coming days. I purposely take myself back down that emotional rabbit hole, so that I connect with them in a way that resonates with the fear and anxiety that they feel. Each time, each sister... I virtually take their hand and walk beside them for a few steps so that I can feel what they feel in order to get them to see what I see now. That where they are today is not where they are meant to stay.
I am certainly no medical expert on breast cancer. I am one victim who is struggling to be triumphant in the end, like so many others before me. I am only an expert in how I felt, what I did and how I managed to keep moving forward even when I wasn't even sure I was making progress at all.
Battling breast cancer has given me ample opportunities to examine myself, my life and to really stop and consider where I am going and what I have to contribute to this world. When you find yourself faced with your own mortality, you shift your priorities pretty quickly. (laughs) I am guessing that I only have 1 maybe 2 more rounds of herceptin chemotherapy and then I'll be back into the real world again. I am guessing that I will feel some sort of separation anxiety from leaving my safe cocoon of regular visits to the cancer center. But even though I imagine the next few weeks/months to be interesting emotionally... I know that it is truly time for me to move on and claim my new presence in this world.
As I really think about dating again, and I think about the possibilities of this life... I realize that even if my time is shorter than I had ever hoped or imagined, that's no excuse not to enjoy every moment and wring all of the possibilities out of it that I can manage with the time that I have.
I want to love again. I really do. The idea of being vulnerable, though, is scary. But, I ask myself what is the alternative and I realize that the possibility of connecting with someone good, kind and decent really doesn't have a downside. I read another pink ribbon sister's blog the other day and her post was a mini-rant about the possibilities of dating as a breast cancer patient. Her words echoed a sentiment that I have felt myself -- who wants to date the cancer-girl? She went on to discuss her concerns about having one breast and dealing with all of these treatments and appointments and wondered -- much like I have over the past year -- what guy would willingly sign up for this side of life?
The truth is...a good guy would. The right guy will. She and I just have to have faith and believe that it is possible. Because it really is possible. Honestly, I am afraid of being in love because it makes me vulnerable to being hurt again. But the alternative is to live a life without love, without intimacy, without companionship. Eek! Don't want that. So, I'll open my heart and take a chance and hopefully the good things that I experience will outweigh any possible negatives. The truth is that without breast cancer, I would still feel the same hesitation about dating and love possibilities.
I want to be focused on something other than my health. I want to keep travelling, laughing and enjoying the joys of this world. There are so many things that I still want to do. Maybe that's why tonight my anxiety about chemotherapy is lower than usual. Instead of worrying about what may happen when I get to the cancer center in a few hours...I'm thinking about the weekend. Thinking forward to my trip to Las Vegas in a couple of weeks... Thinking about the giggles and joy I will feel on Friday when the work week is over.
After all that goodness... being anxious about having a 2 inch needle stuck in my chest for a couple of hours is low on the priority list. Its not like I haven't handled it before. (laughs)
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