i got through chemo day okay...

Well, I made it through another round of chemo last week. To be honest, it was a pretty good day. I was in a good mood. I took random pictures of the cancer center and the chemo process so that I could remember it all. I laughed, I snoozed a little...I just tried to absorb all of it.

I mentioned awhile back that going to the cancer center has become a bit of a refuge for me. It is a cocoon of love and support -- and as hard as the world is these days, I need those hours of respite just to remember that this part of my journey is about healing. This stuff isn't easy. Looking at yourself everyday with the knowledge that you have cancer -- or had cancer -- is hard. Looking at your chest and being forced to accept that you will never, ever, EVER be the same woman is really tough. That the definition of your womanliness has changed and not because you chose the change. But you made the decision to do the best you could with the hand you were dealt.

Everyday, I look at myself and make the choice to suck it up and keep it moving. Like everyone else, my world is filled with a variety of stressors and I have to constantly remind myself why all of this matters. It matters because I matter. And I matter because there is someone, somewhere in this world who will benefit from my struggle with breast cancer. It matters because breast cancer continues to be a killer...and it shouldn't be that.

I am scheduled for surgery next month. I've been looking forward to this next step since I was told that I couldn't have my mastectomy and my reconstruction at the same time. I guess that's been over 9 or 10 months now. I don't know that I can adequately express the feeling to you, of waking up in the hospital and knowing that underneath the bandages...there was nothing there. I've been living with one breast since early January and I'm still not fully comfortable with my body now. When I lay down at night, its still a time of wrestling around while I find a comfortable position to lay in. Still. After all this time.

So, help me understand why I am contemplating cancelling my surgery? I want my new breast. I really do. I want this fat removed from my tummy -- I really REALLY do (laughs). But I am afraid. Very afraid.

I am willingly subjecting myself to a very major surgery...and for what? A breast? Haven't I gotten to a place where I realize that I am more than my breast, or my hair, or anything else that cancer has forced me to give up, re-think in some way. Is it vanity? Or is it a step forward for my emotional health? Can I live without my breast and find a way to be happy with myself? I really don't know. Today, I am tired of wearing the prosthesis. And if I do decide to cancel this surgery...I will have to make some real changes. I'm going to either get really brave and stop faking the funk with the prosthesis and walk boldly with one breast. Or I will have to dig deep in my pockets and pay for a custom prosthesis that will fit my body appropriately and help to balance my body so that I don't continue to curve in a little on my left side.

Mostly, I am afraid of taking another 6 to 8 weeks off from work. Returning this summer after being gone for many months was difficult. It was hard physically, and it was hard mentally. I didn't remember so many things. And so many other things were so drastically different. Even now, a few months later, I find myself struggling to just get through the day some days. 

It is no small thing that I am considering not having this surgery -- not putting myself into a position of wholeness -- in order to keep from upsetting other people. I am actually surprised that I am sharing this here. I've been wrestling with this notion since I returned to work. And with all of the focus on breast cancer this month, the decision has become anything but easier.

A few months ago I briefly chatted with a pink ribbon sister who was on the verge of having her reconstruction surgery. She was really excited that finally she would have her breast back. She sticks out in my memory because she shared with me that it had been 8 years between the end of her treatment and her reconstruction surgery. Eight years!  The thought brings a tear to my eye. She said that she waited that long because the radiation effects on her body took that long to finally dissipate. I don't know the lady so I have to take her at her word but the conversation really freaked me out.

It is one thing if you decide at a later date to have the surgery -- for whatever reason. Some women initially think that they don't want anymore surgery and just decide to live with their body just as it is. Other women, look at their lives and decide that they simply cannot afford anymore time recuperating. Some women are like me...wishing they could do it all at one time so that life can go on with minimal disruption. But its another thing entirely, to delay or deny yourself the surgery because you don't want to disturb other people around you -- work colleagues, family, friends, etc.

The truth is that my breast cancer is difficult for everyone. And now I'm at a point where I am wondering whether I should sacrifice one for the team and just wait, maybe a year or two before I put myself in that vulnerable situation again. The question I have to ask myself is...can I handle living with one breast for an extended period of time? Right now, I really don't know. It seems like an impossible choice. Everyone around me is tired of my breast cancer. Probably even more than I am tired of my breast cancer. For them, I want to give them a chance to focus on something else for a change.

I am grateful that reconstruction is an option for me. I am grateful that I have insurance to cover the procedure. I am excited at the notion of possibly feeling whole again. But hours and hours of micro-surgery is scary. Five days in the hospital -- two or three days in ICU -- is scary. Weeks of bed rest while my body heals and recuperates.... again, all scary.

I am in a teary place today. Its been a long and boring weekend and it wasn't supposed to be. The plans that I had changed with no warning. That put me in a bad place emotionally because I had other plans for this weekend and I changed them to accomodate someone else. But I'm teary because there's just too much to consider and I'm afraid of making the wrong decision. Having fun and giggles this weekend was really supposed to help me decide whether to go forward or to hit pause.

Trying to hit pause on my life seems crazy because life doesn't work that way. I still carry the thought that I have a 30% chance of seeing this cancer return to my body. And if it does return, it very well may kill me. That is the honest assessment of where I stand. As a black woman with breast cancer, my likelihood of dying from this disease is higher than women of other races. I know that. Do I live my life with the expectation that tomorrow isn't promised and I should seize all the joy I can right now? Or do I live my life with the expectation that God may have blessed me with a really long life and I can relax just a little and take my time on certain goals?

As I prepare to go to Las Vegas in a few days... I keep focused on the fact that without breast cancer, this blog would not be here. If not for breast cancer, I would not be contemplating not one, not two but three books based upon the words that I have shared here. If not for breast cancer, I would not be looking at life as a possibility to do everything I wanted.

I've had the knack of putting myself on the back burner for years. The goals and dreams that I may have had as a kid, I have managed to delay and deny myself -- for lots of good reasons I've told myself -- for decades. And then breast cancer came along and shook me up a little bit and told me that I don't have the luxury of thinking that I would always have time to do whatever I wanted to do.  And even though I know that time is no longer mine to waste, I still wonder whether or not I'm being selfish for wanting my reconstructed breast now rather than later.