Its the holidays...where will your gift giving dollars go?

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday of the year (besides my birthday, which I feel should be a national holiday). But immediately after Thanksgiving, we push right into the Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa season. The time of year where we shift our focus to gift giving and making people smile... by thanking them for all that they've been to you throughout the year.

Sooo... let me take a quick moment to say that as you're thinking of charities and organizations to give money to as we close out the year... please be sure to do some research and be sure that the organization you send your money to actually spends the money on what they say they will.

Pink for breast cancer is big business. I'd love to say it differently but the truth is that the pink ribbon campaign is a major PR and marketing campaign. Personally, I love the campaign more than I'm disturbed by it. Pink has been one of my favorite colors all of my life. I love the girly-ness of it, the various shades often reflect the varying feelings of femininity that I have at any given moment. From red-hot sexiness of hot pink and fuchsia... to the laid back giggle of soft baby pink... I LOVE PINK. So, like I said... sporting pink things to support breast cancer does not bother me at all.

But what does bother me is that a lot of organizations (large and small) use the promise of pink to unfairly influence consumers into believing that they are far more benevolent than they actually are. There has been a recent brouhaha about the "I Love Boobies" group's actual spending of the money that they have raised from selling their very popular bracelets. ("I love boobies", Huffington Post)

This organization, like many others, only claims to RAISE AWARENESS about the disease. They do donate some of their proceeds to a breast cancer fund but it is not a huge amount in the grand scheme of what they have earned from the production of these bracelets. Again, personally, I'm not upset or angry at what they've done. They haven't actually lied to the public about their intentions. But... that's the rub when it comes to spending money on items that are "pink for the cure"... many of us believe that the money we spend is actually going to help some woman (or man) directly who is struggling with the disease. Sadly, that is rarely the case.

More often than not, these companies use the money to make a nominal donation to an organization which then usually spends the money on indirect ways of supporting the disease. Maybe they make donations to research organizations, or they support groups whose main objective is to teach others about the disease. Both of these things are good... but they may not be what you had in mind when you made your purchase or sent in your donation.

As a survivor, I'm just grateful and thrilled that people care enough to want to help. And that's honest. But I want all of us to be really careful about where we send our support and be sure to do a little work to be sure that we are clear where our money is going and what it is supposed to do.

Everything that's pink will not directly help a sister with breast cancer. So, be sure to read the fine print and know where your money is going. And if you're really concerned and want to help directly, try contacting your local breast cancer center at a local hospital... if they don't take donations, they will know what organizations need funding for low cost or free mammograms and other such direct assistance.

...can I be a little sick of pink ribbons on EVERYTHING?

As a kid, October was one of the best months because of Halloween. Getting dressed up in costumes and going trick-or-treating around the neighborhood was BIG FUN! When I outgrew that stage of development, October lost its shine... and became the month that little kids overindulged in sugary sweets.

Little by little... October's importance as breast cancer awareness month grew as I got older. It did not make October a favorite month of mine, but my respect for the month grew. And then I was diagnosed with breast cancer... and suddenly October's importance loomed large in my life again.

There are many breast cancer survivors who don't care for the pink ribbon or all of the hype that this month brings. I am not bothered by the sea of pink that this month brings. In fact, since pink has always been one of my favorite colors, I'm absolutely overjoyed to be able to find so many items in pink because of breast cancer awareness.

So... today when I opened an email and read about "breast cancer pears"... I was confused. What on earth is a breast cancer pear, I thought? Well... its a piece of fruit. Yes, that's all. A piece of fruit that grew on a tree. No, it doesn't have magical qualities or some sort of miraculous healing properties that will cure breast cancer. It is simply a pear.

Sigh.

But it is a pear that is marketed by an organization that claims that purchasing these breast cancer pears is a wonderful way to show someone that you care for them ... and to contribute to the Susan G. Komen Foundation for breast cancer research. Its interesting that I stumbled on this email today because a few days ago I was engaged in a deep conversation with some ladies on line about the Komen Foundation and whether or not they are really working towards finding a cure... or just making money on the image of caring. (paraphrase mine...)

So... a pear that is just like any other pear that you buy or pick off a tree, suddenly is "better" because its packaged with a pink ribbon and sold (probably for a premium) in order for the California pear industry to be able to make a sizable donation to Komen.

Sigh.

Just seeing that made me sigh deeply. Some of the items that are plastered with pink ribbons simply mean nothing. Nothing. Companies have now begun to just take advantage of a disease that is ravaging the lives of many women and men... because it looks good to say that we support breast cancer awareness. But the lack of specificity about how exactly you hope to support breast cancer awareness, the lack of direct assistance to the millions of women and men who are struggling physically and financially because of this disease, the lack of anything other than a boost to the corporate bottom line... is truly distasteful to me.

Not every corporation is guilty of slapping a pink ribbon and leaving it at that. And maybe I'm just cranky because its starting to feel overwhelming this month... but some of the ideas are just so disingenuous. A pear? Why not a biscuit or a cherry or heck... some tea? I'm being facetious but I'm sure that if I searched for any of these items, there will be an organization who is selling the false hope that something is being done... because they slapped a pink ribbon on it and wrote a check.

I won't tell anyone how to spend their money. And honestly, I do believe that seeing pink ribbons everywhere does help raise the awareness of the disease. But, I also think it gives people a false sense of involvement and understanding... breast cancer is a complicated disease that requires a complex range of treatment options. Buying a pear -- no matter how well intentioned the giver is -- will not make anything better.

I wanted to respond to the person who posted that they were looking for these miracle pears because they wanted to gift them to someone who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. And maybe I will go back and send her a private note. But, I feel badly telling someone who has good intentions that their gift idea is lame and probably a waste of money. If you want to buy pears... just buy some pears. They don't have to be wrapped in a box with pink ribbons in order to be effective or appreciated.

Its the thought that counts... not the pink ribbon.

...and tomorrow is chemo day...

I'm coming to the end of my chemo days. I am not sure how many more I have but tomorrow is one more adventure in the land of breast cancer. I am not quite as nervous or anxious as I usually am. I think that's because I've been so busy at work, and then busy when I get home that I'm sort of exhausted. Too tired to worry.

Awhile back, someone commented that breast cancer was the best thing that happened to her life. I found that thought to be...well...ridiculous. But as I contemplate the days ahead, I am starting to understand a little bit better how this journey can make you see life in a brand new way. I won't go as far as to say that having breast cancer has been the best thing ever. (laughs) But I will admit that the challenge of this illness has forced me to become strong and confident in ways that I was not sure I was capable of a year ago.

I think of my early days with this disease quite a bit now. I find myself talking to other women who have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer a lot. Since I have started this blog, I have become a magnet for other sisters struggling with finding their way through this maddening maze of breast cancer. Each time I talk to one of my new pink ribbon sisters, I relive my early days of treatment and try to explain to them how I felt, what I went through and what they can expect from their treatment in the coming days. I purposely take myself back down that emotional rabbit hole, so that I connect with them in a way that resonates with the fear and anxiety that they feel. Each time, each sister... I virtually take their hand and walk beside them for a few steps so that I can feel what they feel in order to get them to see what I see now. That where they are today is not where they are meant to stay.

I am certainly no medical expert on breast cancer. I am one victim who is struggling to be triumphant in the end, like so many others before me. I am only an expert in how I felt, what I did and how I managed to keep moving forward even when I wasn't even sure I was making progress at all.

Battling breast cancer has given me ample opportunities to examine myself, my life and to really stop and consider where I am going and what I have to contribute to this world. When you find yourself faced with your own mortality, you shift your priorities pretty quickly. (laughs) I am guessing that I only have 1 maybe 2 more rounds of herceptin chemotherapy and then I'll be back into the real world again. I am guessing that I will feel some sort of separation anxiety from leaving my safe cocoon of regular visits to the cancer center. But even though I imagine the next few weeks/months to be interesting emotionally... I know that it is truly time for me to move on and claim my new presence in this world.

As I really think about dating again, and I think about the possibilities of this life... I realize that even if my time is shorter than I had ever hoped or imagined, that's no excuse not to enjoy every moment and wring all of the possibilities out of it that I can manage with the time that I have.

I want to love again. I really do. The idea of being vulnerable, though, is scary. But, I ask myself what is the alternative and I realize that the possibility of connecting with someone good, kind and decent really doesn't have a downside.  I read another pink ribbon sister's blog the other day and her post was a mini-rant about the possibilities of dating as a breast cancer patient. Her words echoed a sentiment that I have felt myself -- who wants to date the cancer-girl? She went on to discuss her concerns about having one breast and dealing with all of these treatments and appointments and wondered -- much like I have over the past year -- what guy would willingly sign up for this side of life?

The truth is...a good guy would. The right guy will. She and I just have to have faith and believe that it is possible. Because it really is possible. Honestly, I am afraid of being in love because it makes me vulnerable to being hurt again. But the alternative is to live a life without love, without intimacy, without companionship. Eek! Don't want that. So, I'll open my heart and take a chance and hopefully the good things that I experience will outweigh any possible negatives. The truth is that without breast cancer, I would still feel the same hesitation about dating and love possibilities.

I want to be focused on something other than my health. I want to keep travelling, laughing and enjoying the joys of this world. There are so many things that I still want to do. Maybe that's why tonight my anxiety about chemotherapy is lower than usual. Instead of worrying about what may happen when I get to the cancer center in a few hours...I'm thinking about the weekend. Thinking forward to my trip to Las Vegas in a couple of weeks... Thinking about the giggles and joy I will feel on Friday when the work week is over.

After all that goodness... being anxious about having a 2 inch needle stuck in my chest for a couple of hours is low on the priority list. Its not like I haven't handled it before. (laughs)