Will I ever "Say Yes to the Dress"?

On Friday evenings I have started a new ritual. I order a pizza, grab the remote and glue myself to watching hours of wedding shows. My favorite show is "Say Yes To The Dress".  I call these evenings... "spinster Friday". Just a little bit of humor about the fact that I am single and sitting home on an eligible "date night" preferring to dip into the extravagant world of bridal wear than actually going out or doing something else.

I haven't always been a girl who dreamed glorious fantasies of what my wedding day would be like, what I would wear and where it would be. I would however, be lying if I said that I never thought about it. I do... like millions of other women... and lately, I've been more open to even consider that someday it may happen.

A couple of weeks ago on the show, there was a bride who wanted a pink dress. Pink is one of my favorite colors (even before breast cancer) and I've thought about rocking a pink dress down the aisle. So, I was very interested in her story. Her mother was a breast cancer survivor and watching her mother battle the disease impacted her life greatly. She wanted to wear pink in honor of her mother and other breast cancer survivors. I thought it was a very nice gesture. And the dress she chose was really quite beautiful.

I've always felt that whatever wedding dress I chose, it most likely would not be white. Probably a soft ivory or perhaps a very pale pink. But after seeing that episode, I started thinking about all the ways that I could celebrate my survival in my wedding and honor other women who fight this disease. I can't tell you all my thoughts... but know this, if I do get married my wedding will be unique and special... and PINK!

I discovered a non-profit organization that serves women with mestastatic breast cancer who want to be married. Brides Against Breast Cancer is a fundraiser for the Making Memories Breast Cancer Foundation. A non-profit organization that collects bridal gowns from donations from designers, manufacturers and other women with dresses to give... and then sells them at an enormous discount to brides-to-be. The money that is raised at this event is used to help women and men who are dying from breast cancer fulfill a memory-making wish.

The Making Memories Breast Cancer Foundation has a noble premise... helping people who are dying of a disease they didn't ask for. They help more women in the process; brides who want a beautiful gown but who may not be able to pay full price. To me, that's a win-win situation.

I don't know if I'll ever get married (but I am keeping hope alive that it will happen). But I do know that if I find the guy who makes my heart smile, decide to get married and buy a wedding dress to help another pink ribbon sister (or brother) do something they really want to do in their last days... I will truly feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

If it moves you, check the link for Making Memories Breast Cancer Foundation. Maybe there will be a Brides Against Breast Cancer event near you soon... or perhaps you can make a donation to help. I'm sure they will be happy to hear from you in any case.

PS. Why DO wedding dresses cost so much? *just a question that popped into my head*

Dating chronicles: It is not getting better on the dating scene

Happy Valentine's Day!! Okay... so what that its just a few days past Independence Day (July 4th) and I'm a bit out of order to be thinking about Valentine's day... Bear with me for a second.  I came across an article today about how to get through Valentine's Day when you're single (and don't want to be). I know you're wondering who thinks about V-day in July? That would be me...

The article was nice, a little cheesy I suppose but then Valentine's Day is cheesy. And honestly speaking, the cheese factor is what makes that day and that time of year so extra exciting for me. Reading that article today though made me sniggle at myself because lately I've been on a roll of pretty pitiful dates.

Let's start with the guy that I've known for years.  We've actually gone out a few times on some pretty cool platonic dates. I wouldn't exactly call us close friends but we're more than acquaintances -- I mean, we've known each other for quite a few years. It is wearing me out that this friend will get one date right and we will have a fantastic time... and then every other date wrong. And by wrong I mean, stuff like... he'll ask me out on a date and then have no idea what he wants to do, where he wants to go or even if he's got the time. But he wants to go out. And he thinks he wants to go out with me. But he's not sure. So while he's making up his mind... he wants me to be on hold until he makes a decision. Or not. Or, he'll ask me my availability for a date and then when I say that I am available, he'll say... oh cool. Let's get together. And then I won't talk to him again for a month or so. (gas face) Or, he'll ask me on a date, actually have concrete plans to do something specific... and then he will stand me up. Sometimes he'll say he fell asleep. Other times, he got sick. And so on. Repeatedly. The excuses are always different but the end result is the same. I was asked on a date. And then the date falls through at the last minute.

(nervous laugh)  That's pretty normal, right? Everybody accepts dates with people who have known them for years but who then end up standing them up?  Isn't it common for someone you're not dating to pick a fight with you at very inopportune times.  Even after you remind them that you're not a couple AND the last few times that you were supposed to get together, he was the one who had a problem making it happen? Fights that make little sense considering that we aren't even dating... (you have to actually go ON the date in order to consider yourself, ya know... dating)

That doesn't happen solely to the smiley-faced breast cancer girl? Right? No? Sigh. Dang. Being stood up is one of the most pathetic feelings in the world. However, I recently had the joy of experiencing the absolutely most miserable feeling in the world (on a date) and that is...

Being left at a gas station late at night, at the end of the date. Sigh... I'm too embarrassed to even share the details of that fiasco. Long story short, I went to get a slurpee at the 7-11 next door, and he thought I teleported home... So, he took off. In the middle of the night. Leaving me stranded at a suburban gas station. And my cellphone was dead. And my charger was at home. So, I couldn't call him and scream at him to come back for me. And of course in this age of smartphones, I did not have his number memorized at all. Basically, I was short. Luckily, the clerks at the store took pity on me and called me a cab. But sheesh... how many other breast cancer survivor babes do YOU know who get treated so well by guys who dig her? (laughs)

There has to be an award for this sort of foolishness. Only Nicole has experiences like this. And only Nicole is still so giddy about love that she can read an article about how to maneuver through another "I'm still single" Valentine's Day in the middle of July... and smile. Despite her current track record of bad dates.

The guys aren't bad guys. Not at all. I just don't think that its been a good connection.  In all truth, maybe its me. Its highly possible that I'm just not a fun date these days. I have a lot on my mind and quite possibly, the thought of spending hours of time with me just might be more than some folks can bare. (laughs)  I really don't know.  I would say that I'm going to keep trying, keep accepting dates. But I know that's not the truth. Half of the year is gone and as you've seen, I haven't been doing so well when it comes to dating. So, I think that taking a mental time-out and focusing on other things might be the best course of action. Because if the next dude leaves me stranded, or falls asleep and forgets that he asked me out on a date... I just might get a little Lorena Bobbitt-ish on folks.

And that's not cool. (laughs) At least at this point... I'm not getting hit on by other people's husbands. And that is something to be excited about. Baby steps.

Domestic violence, breast cancer and redemption

Right now, many of us are riveted to television and the internet following the story of Chris Brown's latest meltdown. (Chris Brown apologizes) And many of us are wondering whether this latest tantrum is just more evidence that this young man is just violent and without redemption even two years after his highly publicized physical altercation with Rihanna. We've all seen the pictures so I won't post them here.  I don't want to cheapen this post with gratuitous pictures of either celebrity. This is about domestic abuse.

Disclosure:  I have never been in a relationship with someone who abused me physically. Never. I have, however, been out with men who put their hands on me in a non-loving way and/or who scared me enough with the threat of physical violence to know that you cannot underestimate the depths of anger and rage that some people have. I will say that in each of those circumstances, they were bad FIRST dates that never culminated in second dates. That said... domestic abuse is real. And its difficult to understand whether you're in the relationship or outside of it.

A few days ago I talked with a friend about a physical altercation she had with her partner. My friend is a breast cancer survivor and in the midst of an argument, her partner put his hands around her neck and choked her. My heart broke when she told me that. I didn't know how to react, what to say... I couldn't go to her side because we live far apart but I was scared and angry and mortified at the same time. My personal experiences with domestic abuse are limited (as I disclosed above) but I know many women in my life who have lived with, been married to, been deeply in love with men who physically assaulted them.

I did some research and the information I found was staggering. Many breast cancer survivors are also abused by people who claim to love them, or who are responsible for their care. I am not just speaking about sexual partners or married couples. Most breast cancer survivors are elderly women who rely on their family (husbands, children or grandchildren) to care for them while they go through treatment. And many of these women, as they fight for their lives against an internal demon, have to deal with being abused as well. Elderly abuse, financial abuse, emotional abuse... are all real ramifications of this disease.

I will be the first to say that dealing with cancer is hard. Very hard. It is stressful beyond belief and it takes its toll on the patient and the people who care for them. But abusing someone because you are incapable of handling and channeling your rage in a productive way... is not the answer. It is never the answer. When I spoke with my friend about what she was going through, she spoke to me about feeling lonely while dealing with her illness. And I felt like such a loser because I have moments when I feel really lonely but I'm single. Its sort of par for the course, I suppose. But to be connected to your love, your partner and to know that they are incapable of helping you deal with the hardest challenge you've ever faced has to take loneliness to a depth that I simply cannot understand.

Lots of breast cancer survivors end up losing their jobs for lots of reasons. Which often leaves them financially vulnerable and dependent on their spouse or their children to help them manage the costs of treating breast cancer. Add to that the stress of being in a weakened economy and all the stressors of just day to day living... and yes, I can understand how someone can snap in a moment of weakness. I'm not excusing the action, I'm just saying that I see how it can happen.

I don't have any answers regarding domestic abuse. I know that it is easy to tell someone to leave. I know that it is easy to be frustrated if they don't. I know that in the best of circumstances, a woman who is physically abused is reluctant to leave her home. And I know that breast cancer is not the best of circumstances so expecting grand change in the midst of so much uncertainty is expecting a lot. But I also know that there are people all over the country who can tell you that you deserve more. You do. I do. Everyone does. There is a point when your support of someone who cannot support you becomes unhealthy. It is one thing to love someone and teach them how to love you back. It is a wholly different thing to love someone who does not know what love is.

Love is not yelling at me. Love is not witholding money from me. Love is not making me feel inferior because I have a disease. Love is not hitting me, or choking me, or kicking me. Love is not isolating me from my friends and my family so that you feel more secure. That is not love.

Love is kind. Love is accepting. And we all deserve to be loved well.

If you are being abused please check out the National Domestic Violence Hotline http://www.thehotline.org/  Or you can call 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY) to speak to someone anytime, day or night. The website is set up so that there is a safety button that you can push to immediately redirect your page to another site -- in case you are using a shared computer or someone is watching you.

What does it mean to be a cancer survivor?

Thanks to Twitter and Facebook, I have connected with a wide group of breast cancer friends all across the globe. Many are bloggers like me and reading their words about their journey with breast cancer inspires me, makes me want to be better, live better and just enjoy life. I recently read an old post one one of those blogs... and it really made me think for a long time.

I am a breast cancer survivor.

Before my diagnosis I thought those words were just carefully crafted branding terms... I did not realize that they actually provide power and strength to the people who wear them proudly. There are a lot of people who have completed cancer treatment and do not choose to accept the label of "survivor". They have their reasons and because everyone's journey is uniquely theirs, I respect that. But Nicole... has warmly embraced the talisman of "breast cancer survivor" in her world.

Here's why:  I don't care where I am... or what I'm doing. I don't care whether I am laughing with tears streaming down my face or quietly reflecting or walking the dog... my breast cancer experience is with me. It only takes a millisecond for me to shift gears and still feel the plastic of the reclining chairs at the cancer center where I took my chemotherapy for months and months. It only takes an absent-minded stroke across my port scar on my chest to remind me that I am a battle-scarred veteran. I don't wear pink every day, and I don't wear my pink ribbon pin everyday... but without any labels, or brands or colors... I wear that armor that says... I'm here because I fought to be here.

I have no idea what it is like to be a military veteran. I have no idea what it is like to experience war, to see that sort of death and destruction up close and personal. But I can tell you what it feels like to walk into a large and crowded room with seats that remind you of recliners but slightly different, slightly less comfortable. To see pouches of medicine hanging on steel poles beside every chair... and to see tubes going into the chests or arms of old people, young people, black people, white people, asian people, latino... all sick and trying to get well. I can tell you what it feels like to walk into that room and realize that your learning curve has been so sharp that you can almost tell how far along someone is in their treatment just by looking at their hair (or lack of), the color of their skin and the way that they move. There is a look... a knowing that cancer patients and survivors share and recognize almost immediately. I will never look at a chest scar the same way. I will always wonder what happened, how they are feeling now.

I have gained empathy in levels that I never could have imagined before this. I have also learned patience and courage. I am comfortable with my fears now. I know that they can't kill me... thought they distract me from the bigger picture, the larger efforts of my life. I know that I can rest with them or push past them... the choice is always mine. Honestly speaking... some days I curl up with my fears and just explore them. And other days, I simply don't give them room to latch on to anything in my mind.

In case you wanted to know: 

“A cancer survivor,” ... “is a term used to describe anyone who has been diagnosed with cancer as well as caregivers and loved ones of those diagnosed with the disease.” The term survivorship was first coined in 1985, but was expanded to include family members and caregivers since “no one can survive cancer alone.”

...the importance of a strong support system because as a cancer survivor, “the most benign things will scare you to death.” She relayed a story about how she recently thought a rough spot on her neck may have been a skin cancer metastasis, when it was only a curling iron burn.  (taken from Journeying beyond breast cancer)

When I met with my therapist some months ago to catch up and check in and just make sure that I wasn't losing my mind... she and I talked about post traumatic stress disorder. These days, we hear a lot about PTSD in relation to the soldiers returning from war. But those of us who have battled and scrapped and cried and fought to get through cancer treatment... often have to deal with this disorder too. When you're jumpy or constantly anxious... always worried or concerned that every little thing could mean a recurrence of your cancer... you could very well be struggling with post-traumatic stress disorder.

In the beginning, it was very difficult for me to accept the label of survivor. I felt like a fraud because I couldn't be a survivor if I was still in treatment. A survivor was someone (in my eyes) who had gone through the fire and come out on the other side. While I was riding through the storm, I felt like I had no name... I was just "me" struggling to get back to normal. And now that I've sort of arrived back at normal (though honestly, it feels like anything but that)... I can accept and even feel some joy that I am a survivor. I willingly wear my pink survivor t-shirts in public now. I am comfortable talking with strangers about what I've been through, what my scars are from (though not always). For me... the label SURVIVOR is truly a talisman with sacred powers. When I think of myself in those terms, I am reminded of the strength that I had and the strength that millions of other people have to dig deep within themselves and simply push forward.

I had to take a few days off from the blog because I've been hearing hard news lately of survivors who have lost their final battles with cancer. And there is no describing how much it hurts me every time someone I know tells me that someone they loved is gone because of cancer. The pain of loss to cancer is a deep one. I suspect (and hope) that as more time elapses it won't hurt as much, won't slow me down as often. But honestly, its like constantly hearing bullets whizzing by. You keep wondering when it will be your day and your friends and family feeling that deep pain.

But, I shake it off after awhile... and I pick up my mental talisman of SURVIVOR and I push forward. So, this post is my push... I know that millions of us are struggling with this disease right now. I know that a lot of us won't finish this year. But I know that until its my time... I will be here. And that's just the way that it is.

What does it mean to be a survivor?

It means that you are frightened. It means that you are optimistic. It means that you are realistic. It means that your faith is deeper, your connection to the rest of the world is deeper. Things in your body may be different... which changes who you are but it is a refining of who you can be. It... is your new state of being. It means that you (or someone you love) went through hell and came out on the other side. You're different but you're better in a lot of ways.

Survivor.

Just saying it brings me a little more peace than I had a few moments ago.

Did you know... these famous african-americans battled breast cancer? Pt. 2

Robin Roberts, news broadcaster. Diagnosed with breast cancer in 2007.

Hattie McDaniel, actress, singer, song-writer. First african-american to win an Academy Award (Gone with the Wind). Passed away from breast cancer in 1952.

Minnie Riperton, singer. Best known for her 5 octave singing range. Passed away from breast cancer in 1979.

Naomi Sims, model, businesswoman, author. Known as the first african-american super-model. Passed away from breast cancer in August 2009.

Shirley Graham Du Bois, author, playwright, activist. Wife of W.E.B. Du Bois. Died of breast cancer in 1977.

Audre Lorde, writer, poet and activist. Died of breast cancer in 1992.

Lorraine Hansberry, playwright and author. Best known for her play, A Raisin in the Sun. Passed away from breast cancer in 1965. (aged 34)

Did you know... these famous african-americans battled breast cancer? Pt. 1

Edward W. Brooke, Alaina Reed Hall, Diahann Carroll, Edna Campbell, Pam Grier, Richard Roundtree and Ruby Dee.... all have what in common?

Breast cancer. Scroll down for more....

Edward W. Brooke, Former Republican Senator from Massachusetts. Diagnosed with breast cancer in 2002.

Edna Campbell, retired professional basketball player. Diagnosed with breast cancer in 2002.

Diahann Carroll, actress and singer. Diagnosed with breast cancer in 1998.

Ruby Dee, award winning actress. Breast cancer survivor of more than 30 years.

Richard Roundtree, actor and former model. Diagnosed with breast cancer in 1993.

Roxie Roker, actress. Passed away from breast cancer in 1995.
(mother of musician Lenny Kravitz)

Pam Grier, actress. Diagnosed with breast cancer in 1988.

Fannie Lou Hamer, civil rights activist. Passed away from breast cancer in 1977.

Alaina Reed Hall, actress. Diagnosed with breast cancer in 2007. Passed away December 2009.