Right now, many of us are riveted to television and the internet following the story of Chris Brown's latest meltdown. (Chris Brown apologizes) And many of us are wondering whether this latest tantrum is just more evidence that this young man is just violent and without redemption even two years after his highly publicized physical altercation with Rihanna. We've all seen the pictures so I won't post them here. I don't want to cheapen this post with gratuitous pictures of either celebrity. This is about domestic abuse.
Disclosure: I have never been in a relationship with someone who abused me physically. Never. I have, however, been out with men who put their hands on me in a non-loving way and/or who scared me enough with the threat of physical violence to know that you cannot underestimate the depths of anger and rage that some people have. I will say that in each of those circumstances, they were bad FIRST dates that never culminated in second dates. That said... domestic abuse is real. And its difficult to understand whether you're in the relationship or outside of it.
A few days ago I talked with a friend about a physical altercation she had with her partner. My friend is a breast cancer survivor and in the midst of an argument, her partner put his hands around her neck and choked her. My heart broke when she told me that. I didn't know how to react, what to say... I couldn't go to her side because we live far apart but I was scared and angry and mortified at the same time. My personal experiences with domestic abuse are limited (as I disclosed above) but I know many women in my life who have lived with, been married to, been deeply in love with men who physically assaulted them.
I did some research and the information I found was staggering. Many breast cancer survivors are also abused by people who claim to love them, or who are responsible for their care. I am not just speaking about sexual partners or married couples. Most breast cancer survivors are elderly women who rely on their family (husbands, children or grandchildren) to care for them while they go through treatment. And many of these women, as they fight for their lives against an internal demon, have to deal with being abused as well. Elderly abuse, financial abuse, emotional abuse... are all real ramifications of this disease.
I will be the first to say that dealing with cancer is hard. Very hard. It is stressful beyond belief and it takes its toll on the patient and the people who care for them. But abusing someone because you are incapable of handling and channeling your rage in a productive way... is not the answer. It is never the answer. When I spoke with my friend about what she was going through, she spoke to me about feeling lonely while dealing with her illness. And I felt like such a loser because I have moments when I feel really lonely but I'm single. Its sort of par for the course, I suppose. But to be connected to your love, your partner and to know that they are incapable of helping you deal with the hardest challenge you've ever faced has to take loneliness to a depth that I simply cannot understand.
Lots of breast cancer survivors end up losing their jobs for lots of reasons. Which often leaves them financially vulnerable and dependent on their spouse or their children to help them manage the costs of treating breast cancer. Add to that the stress of being in a weakened economy and all the stressors of just day to day living... and yes, I can understand how someone can snap in a moment of weakness. I'm not excusing the action, I'm just saying that I see how it can happen.
I don't have any answers regarding domestic abuse. I know that it is easy to tell someone to leave. I know that it is easy to be frustrated if they don't. I know that in the best of circumstances, a woman who is physically abused is reluctant to leave her home. And I know that breast cancer is not the best of circumstances so expecting grand change in the midst of so much uncertainty is expecting a lot. But I also know that there are people all over the country who can tell you that you deserve more. You do. I do. Everyone does. There is a point when your support of someone who cannot support you becomes unhealthy. It is one thing to love someone and teach them how to love you back. It is a wholly different thing to love someone who does not know what love is.
Love is not yelling at me. Love is not witholding money from me. Love is not making me feel inferior because I have a disease. Love is not hitting me, or choking me, or kicking me. Love is not isolating me from my friends and my family so that you feel more secure. That is not love.
Love is kind. Love is accepting. And we all deserve to be loved well. If you are being abused please check out the National Domestic Violence Hotline http://www.thehotline.org/ Or you can call 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY) to speak to someone anytime, day or night. The website is set up so that there is a safety button that you can push to immediately redirect your page to another site -- in case you are using a shared computer or someone is watching you.
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