The downside to the breast cancer war...

Lots of people are aware that the pink ribbon represents breast cancer awareness. And many millions of people suffer through this disease either directly or indirectly. All of it is hard. I know that I flippantly write about the emotional highs and lows of my time with breast cancer... pre- and post-treatment. I try to remain open and honest about the ways that my emotions still flutter all over the place... about how this illness changed who I am. I open my heart and my arms for any survivor who wants to talk about how they feel as well.

But there comes a point in this war where you have to know who your allies are and who just cannot fight alongside of you. I don't mean to diminish any survivor, or any friend/family member of a survivor. I know firsthand the pain of losing your body, losing your self-esteem and losing a loved one to this disease. I've been on both sides of that fence. Neither is a good side to be on. But for the ones who remain, the ones who have to continue to wake up everyday and find a way to keep going... for some of us... we NEED to make a way through this. Some of us use humor. Some of us use our pain. Some of us are quirky, kinky, overtly sexual... we use all sorts of tricks and things to deal with the aftermath. Because breast cancer is just plain hard. Period.

As I become more and more entrenched in this breast cancer world, I find myself running into more and more survivors who are so bitter and so angry that they lash out at everyone who doesn't hate pink like they do, or who chooses to find a different way to deal with the aftermath. And after reading a particularly salty exchange between a survivor and a non-profit organization recently... I just feel sad.

I feel sad that so many women feel further victimized by the pink ribbon campaign. I feel sad that some companies are more concerned with their bottom line that they've lost sight that the mission is to save lives. I feel sad that there just isn't one right way to deal with any of this.

I am not one of those survivors who wants to hide or run away from pink ribbons. I will admit, the first October I endured breast cancer awareness month after my diagnosis... I thought I would vomit from excessive anxiety caused by seeing all those pink ribbons every where. I was in the middle of my first episode with chemotherapy. I was bald. I was weak. I was sallow and I was sadder than I think I've ever been in my entire life. I'd never experienced a heartbreak as deep or as long as that one. October 2008 was the blackest time in my life. It really was.

I think I know the painful place that some survivors are in where they cannot see anything good about the pink ribbon campaign and the way that many non-profits are springing up and utilizing it. I think I know that deep well of pain that they are living with. Hell, I'll be honest... I still cry a lot about breast cancer and for the most part, I'm beyond all of the difficult days of treatment. But something always reminds me that I'm different. A twinge in my arm when I do too much. When I try on a blouse and it doesn't fit over the arm that is swollen with lymphedema. I am always pushed to tears because of something that snaps me back to the reality that I am different. To me, the options are learn to deal with it and find some joy somewhere in all of this... or die a slow and horrible death from the heartbreak it has given me.

Personally, I think it would be a shame to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars in treatment, hundreds of hours in surgery and treatment and months and months recuperating... only to die of a broken heart. So, I'm opting to do it another way. I'm not saying that my way is best but it is what I think is best for me. I said all of this to say... I am no longer aligning myself with any and everybody who is a breast cancer survivor or a group/organization that claims to deal with breast cancer survivors. I am limiting my interactions and my support to those people and those groups that have an outlook that is similar to mine. As I move forward with building my own non-profit, I will carry that same thought process forward. Everyone just can't fit under the same tent. I'm only aligning myself with positive, happy, uplifting and encouraging people and organizations.

You don't have to try to change the whole world at once. Just take one step at a time, doing what you can do... and don't worry about what other people are doing. That's the Nic approach. What is for me, is for me. I don't worry so much about all the other stuff. For those survivors who are unable to be upbeat, I will love you from a distance. I will pray for you always. But for me...its about being happy, being able to be at peace with what has happened... and finding a way to re-strengthen my feminine spirit. That is the only battle I can fight.