Since the surgery, I've been in a frenzy of tears and sadness. I'm sleeping too much -- when I should be awake -- and awake at night, when I should be asleep. Its freaking me out because I feel like I'm shrinking away from myself. I'm over-thinking every step I've made on this journey and wondering if I did the right thing, made the right choices... am I going to be alright in the long run? I think about death far too much...and not in a proactive, let's prepare for the worst kind of way. But I think about it in a "what if I wasn't here" sort of way.
I know that those kind of thoughts aren't good. However, since I have dealt with depression in the past, I work on putting those thoughts out of my head and I focus my attention in other areas. So know that each and everyday, I am thanking God for your presence in my life as I count my blessings and work to relieve my mind of some of the emotional stress and turmoil that this cancer has brought to my world.
Studies have been done that show that after the active treatment for breast cancer has concluded, many women continue to struggle with their emotional health and wellness. Post-traumatic stress disorder and depression (from mild to severe) can strike from day one when the diagnosis is delivered. Due to the nature of this disease, the focus of your active treatment includes all variations of eradicating the cancer cells but very little is usually addressed to your emotional health. I think that's a shame. Judging from the way that I'm feeling these days... I can honestly say that it should be a requirement that a mental health professional be consulted at least once or twice during the course of treatment.
Never thought I'd advocate for more doctor visits, but in this case I see a real need for it. Millions of women are living with bodies that are disfigured, self-esteem that has plummetted and sometimes a diminished outlook on life.
I feel crazy!
And not in a good way. I know that I'm not alone because a quick trip through some of the on-line forums on some of the breast cancer sites shows that lots of women are really struggling with body image issues, depression, fear, anxiety, and so on. A really big stressor for many women is balancing work, family and financial issues. Far too many of us are struggling to be all that we were before cancer and are frightened to our core of not being able to keep up. That is a real issue for me. I'm not sure how to find the solution, but I'm trying to figure it out.
One of the nurses at the hospital during my stay, was a breast cancer survivor. We chatted a few times and she eventually shared with me that she had opted to have both of her breasts removed and reconstructed with implants. She was a mother of 4 and was the sole income for her family. She shared that her implants were leaking and she needed to have them replaced. However, since she was the sole income for her family, she couldn't afford to take the time off from work in order to take care of her health.
Did I mention that she was a nurse?
I was mortified and scared... and a little relieved because I realized during that conversation that all of us -- patients, survivors, care-givers & supporters -- are walking a really thin line between living fully and shrinking a bit from the scary edges of life. I was relieved to know that I wasn't alone in my worries and my fears. But I was saddened because I realized that this lady was risking her health -- after taking the drastic step of removing her breast in case cancer came back -- because the fear of losing her income or her job was greater than the fear of whatever health repercussions a leaking implant would cause.
Somehow, when the dust settles and my mind is back to clarity... I'm going to figure out a way to help all of these women like myself, who are struggling under the weight of this disease and its financial burdens. I've been thinking and thinking of ways that it can be done -- primarily because I want some relief myself right now. But I know that if I need help, then there are thousands if not hundreds of thousands of other women out there who need financial assistance as well. There has to be a solution. Its just a matter of finding it.
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